On this day I will look at my past mistakes and project them onto the future.
Today I will create a crisis situation so I can feel really alive.
I have a right to be physically unattractive.
I will make spiritual bankruptcy my goal for the day.
I have a right to change people into who I want them to be.
Today I will belittle those around me as I've been belittled in the past.
Extreme mood swings are my goal for the day, as they are so invigorating.
I have a right to seek revenge on those who have hurt me, and so today I'll begin to intricately plot against them.
Today I will surround myself with unhealthy people so that I may feel superior to them.
Today I celebrate the fact that my underdeveloped sense of identity allows me to fit into a wide range of situations.
Today I will only do things for which I receive very clear approval or applause.
My choices are limited; therefore, I must rigidly stick to the plan I have outlined for myself.
Today I will start a project only so I can later abandon it because of my perfectionistic standards.
Today I will lie in bed and wallow in self-pity.
Today I will purposefully fuel someone's worst fears.
While in conversation today, I will practice keeping a mental inventory of other people's stupidity.
Today I will practice playing the victim with my friends and coworkers.
This year I will save money by not buying birthday cards for anyone; I will tell everyone their card must have been lost in the mail.
I have the hardest life.
Today I will hoard something I was denied as a child.
For more curmudgeonly commentary, imagine the things you'd love to say at work, comments that need to be made at work, and The Best of the NYC Bumper Stickers. Check out also the nearby collection of Gender Humor.