Worst Analogies Ever Written in a High School Essay
See also the wit and wisdom of Jack Handey, and my favorite curmudgeon.
"He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy
who when blinded because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those
boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high
schools about the dangers of looking at solar eclipses without one of those
boxes with a pinhole in it." (Joseph Romm, Washington D.C.)
"She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again." (Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station, Va.)
"The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't." (Russel Beland, Springfield, Va.)
"From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 instead of 7:30." (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)
"Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, Va.)
"Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who meant to access
T:flw.quid553328.com/aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaaakk/ch@ung
by mistake." (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills, Md.)
"Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever." (unknown)
"He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree." (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase,
Md.)
"The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in grease." (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Springs, Md.)
"They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences like Nancy Kerrigan's teeth." (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)
"John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met." (Russell Beland, Springfield, Va.)
"Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 pm and traveling at 55 mph, and the other from Topeka at 4:14 pm at a speed of 35 mph." (Wayne Goode, Madison, Al.)
"Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie, the guy would be buried in the credits as something like 'second tall man.'" (Jennifer Hart, Arlington, Va.)
"His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without cling-free." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, Va.)
"The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon." (unknown)