I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor.
To me, boxing is like ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.
Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling.
Lots more Handey at ftp://ftp.std.com/obi/alt.quotations/Archive/jack_handey.txt
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. Cheryl, Age 6
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. Bobbie, Age 15
When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. Matt, Age 5
I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower. Charley, Age 10
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of your life? William, Age 16
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting any old yokel vote. Melissa, Age 12
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. Josh, Age 8
It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. Ricky, Age 7
Home is where the house is. Tommy, Age 5