times since February 16, 2002.
2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of the chain and gag himself.
4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
6. A penny saved is a government oversight.
7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
10. He who hesitates is probably right.
11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
13. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's "really in trouble."
14. Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "THE" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?
Read on for some of Life's Ironies, or instead imagine the things you'd love to say at work, comments that need to be made at work, and appropriate affirmations to improve your mental health.
I live in my own little world,
but it's ok, they know me here.
Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.
Home is where you can say anything you like
'cause nobody listens to you anyway.
If God had intended for man to use the metric system, Jesus would have only had ten disciples!
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"
When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!
Sign In Oriental Pet Store:
"Buy one dog, get one flea..."
Money can't buy happiness,
but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I don't have a big ego,
I'm way too cool for that.
Dyslexia means never having to say that you're yrros.
If flying is so safe,
why do they call the airport the "terminal"?
I see your IQ test results were negative.
Regular naps prevent old age.....
especially if you take them while driving.
When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half.
Sex is hereditary.
If your parents never had it,
chances are you won't either.
The most precious thing we have is life.
Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
I have learned there is little difference in husbands,
you might as well keep the first.
Travel is very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven different languages.
I was on a date recently, and the guy took me
horsebackriding. That was kind of fun,
until we ran out of quarters.
Shopping tip:
You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.
After all is said and done,
usually more is said than done.
I am a nobody, nobody is perfect,
therefore I am perfect.
I married my wife for her looks...
but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
No one ever says "It's only a game,"
when their team is winning.
I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign:
CHECKOUT TIME IS 18.
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.
The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
For more curmudgeonly commentary, imagine the things you'd love to say at work, comments that need to be made at work, and appropriate affirmations for the workplace. Check out also the nearby collection of Gender Humor.
This page has been seentimes since February 16, 2002.