WHAT IS OLD?
Red Buttons, appearing on Dennis Miller's Show, announced that he was 80 but that is not really old. Red explained: Old is when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you are barefoot.
Old is when your doctor doesn't give you an x-ray anymore, he just holds you up to the light. Old is when a sexy sight catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your car. Old is when you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick. Old is when your mate says, "Let's go upstairs and make love" and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both."
THE BENEFITS OF AGING
No one expects you to run into a burning building
People call at 9 P.M. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
There's nothing left to learn the hard way
You buy a compass for the dashboard of your car
You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
You can live without sex, but not without glasses
You can't remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch TV.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You subscribed to the cable just to get the weather channel.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You send money to PBS.
You sing along with elevator music.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
Your eyes won't get much worse.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
Your supply of brain cells is down to a manageable size.
People send you this list.