General

The behavior of the people around the table can turn dining into a wonderfully pleasurable experience, or the evening from Hell.  Here are some thoughts for making it a pleasurable experience.

By the way, it's a good idea to at least practice these ideas at most meals.  Granted, your behavior at a MacDonald's might be a lot more relaxed than if you were sitting at the head table for the Annual Corporate Awards Ceremony for General Electric.  But by practicing them in the more leisurely setting you will instill certain desirable habits for the more formal affairs.

Before the Meal

First of all, if you don't do anything else, for God's sake, take off your hat at the table.

If it is a formal seating, the rituals are very simple, but add so much to the beauty of the setting.  Often a host will have place cards at the table, which may or may not seat you next to your spouse or date.  Never rearrange the place cards.  If your host errantly seated you next to your ex wife's lesbian lover, then just accept it graciously and look forward to an evening of interesting opportunities to be magnanimous.

If there are no place cards, then just remember that junior high school party that you really hated.  That's right, you will sit boy - girl - boy - girl.  If some of the chairs have arms and some do not, your host has likely arranged them alternating.  The arm chairs are for the gentlemen, those chairs without arms are for the ladies.  This is not the chauvinist arrangement that you might suspect.  It arises from the days when ladies always wore full dresses, and an arm chair just would not allow them to sit.

Please remain standing behind your chair until all the guests have found their place.  If your lady wishes to sit before the others, then pull her chair out to allow her to step in front of it.  Then, as she bends her knees, gently slide the chair back beneath her.  If your lady has attended a fine finishing school, then she will then adjust her chair once, but only once.  Once all of the guests have arrived, and your host signals to do so, then you may be seated with the other gentlemen.

Place your napkin in your lap.  The wait staff may make the rounds of the table and place the napkins in your laps for you.  If so, then allow him or her to do so. 

During the Meal

It's really pretty simple from here on out.  Your silverware, in general, is arranged for your use from outside in.  Typically, the first course will be eaten with the utensils farthest from your plate.  If you are in doubt, hesitate to allow other guests to select their utensil, and follow suit.  It is best to watch your host for his or her selection.  Imitation may be wrong in some cases, but here it can only be flattery.

Do the things that your mother told you.  Sit up straight, don't slouch, don't slurp.  Cut your food into small bites so that you can easily chew, then swallow, so that if you are addressed in the conversation you can be prepared to respond.  Keep your elbows off the table (except between courses.)  Don't begin to eat a course until everyone at the table has been served.

Keep your voice temperate so that those around you can hear you without straining, but so that other conversations elsewhere at the table can carry on without interference from you.

If, during the course of the meal, it is necessary for you to leave the table, then turn to a person near you and ask, "Will you excuse me for a moment."  Then rise, place your napkin in your chair, and return the chair to its position under the table.  When you return, remove your napkin, and take your seat.  Unless it is truly an emergency, time this as well as you can to be between courses.

If any lady at the table should excuse herself from the table, rise in her honor as she rises from her seat.  Upon her return to her place, once again rise as she returns to her seat.  If you are the only man at the table who does this, then do it anyway.  This may make some other men at the table uncomfortable, or it may help them to better appreciate your fine manners.  We will hope for the latter.  After that point, you can eat your main course with the desert fork if you wish, and every other man, woman or child in the room will follow your lead.

Treat the wait staff with respect, whether you think they deserve it or not.  They do deserve it, by the way.  They, too, are humans with ambitions and problems similar to your own.  You can elevate them to a higher plane by treating them with courtesy.

While cleaning your plate is an old custom, I do believe that in the more health conscious 21st century, that it is perfectly acceptable to leave some food on your plate.  But, it is probably not best to leave all of any serving untouched.  Even if you don't like broccoli, take a few bites to honor your host.  It's a good lesson in self discipline.

Rave about the food.  Do it sincerely.  If you don't like the salad, then just eat it without comment.  But certainly, somewhere in the meal, there is something that you will like, and you should be certain to comment on it to your fellow guests.

After the Meal

When the meal is finished, politely step away from the table, helping your lady guest again with her chair.  If you are at a small party of close friends, help to clear the table.  If it is a large formal affair, then allow the wait staff to do that work.

Thank your host for a wonderful meal. 

If you are the host, or you are responsible for the bill, pay it in a very inconspicuous manner.  Do not call attention of others to the fact that you are paying for the meal. 

Leave a reasonable tip, this is how these people earn their living.

If you were displeased with the service, call it to the attention of the manager of the restaurant, but still leave a reasonable tip.  The minimum should be 15%.  I usually leave 20%, in order to compensate for those callous individuals who will not give these hard workers their due.  After all, if I can afford to pay a $200 dinner bill, I can afford to pay an additional $10 for the people who made it a pleasant evening.

I know a preacher who says "I don't tip more than I tithe" so he never leaves more than 10%.  I hope that he gets lousy service everywhere he goes.