Title: Seamus and the Uber

Author: Luzmaria

Status: Complete

Rating: PG-13

Summary: Parody of Jack and the Beanstalk and in response to MaryAvatar’s fairytale challenge. Sorry, but I can’t make this one naughty.

Spoilers: None

Pairing: Harper/Rommie

Archive: Please email me at luzmaria8@att.net and ask first.

Disclaimer: The characters portrayed here belong to Gene Roddenberry and Tribune Entertainment. They are not mine. I’m just playing with them for a bit. The scenes however, are mine. If you wish to use any of the material written here, please contact me and ask first.

Once upon a time there was a beautiful but poor captain named Beka who lived with her engineer Seamus on an old salvage ship called the Maru. The ship was their only source of money because, in addition to it being home, it was what they used to go do their jobs. One day, when the ship’s slipstream drive broke down, the captain decided it was time to trade some of their supplies for the parts they needed to make a new one. Luckily they were already docked on Topeka Drift.

“Seamus, I want you to go board the drift and trade some of our food supplies for parts.”

“But I don’t want to,” Seamus said.

“Just shut up and do what I tell you,” Beka replied. So off Seamus went to the drift. When he arrived, he met up with a purple pixie. Striking up a conversation, he told her he needed some parts.

“Uh, I don’t have any parts, but I do have some extra antiproton fuel. Do you have any plants?”

“I’ve got some plant seeds left over from a supply run,” said Seamus showing her a packet of sunflower seeds.

“Ooh, pretty.” The pixie gave Seamus the antiproton fuel and happily skipped away. Thinking that he made the barter of the millennium, Seamus went back to the beautiful captain.

“I told you parts, not fuel,” said Beka. “Some genius you are.” And with that she added the extra fuel to her tank and shooed Seamus down to engineering to see if he could fix the drive.

Seamus was able to get the drive fixed, and when he was finally finished, he came back up to the Mess to grab a Sparky. And what should Harper see from the cockpit on his way to the Mess, but that they were no longer docked at the station. Looking at the controls, he could see that they were on autopilot.

“Oh great, Beka’s gonna kill me,” Seamus said.

That was when he saw a silver ship in the distance. Wondering what he could salvage on board (he was on a salvage ship, after all), Seamus decided to dock the Maru.

Once the Maru was safely docked, Seamus exited the Maru and wandered around the docking bay. In one corner there stood a long ladder that seemed to go up several decks. Seamus looked up in awe.

“Man, I think I’m in love. Baby, you are gorgeous.”

“Thank you,” said a loud voice that seemed to be coming from everywhere at once. Seamus looked around but was shaking.

“Who… who are you?”

“I am the ship,” the voice replied. “Now, who are you?”

Not knowing how else to address the ship, Seamus replied, “I… I’m Seamus. And I’m kinda lost. Do you think I could have something to eat?”

“Well, our weapons officer doesn’t like strangers on board, but I suppose I could offer you a Sparky.” The doors opened and with the help of the ship’s voice, Seamus found his way to what she called the Mess Deck.

There he found more Sparky cola than thought existed in this part of the galaxy. He drank his fill. He was on his seventh can when he heard the thundering sound of footsteps out in the hallway.

“You better hide, shorty. That’s our weapons officer. He’s a Nietzschean.”

“A NIETZSCHEAN? Why didn’t you tell me?” With that, Seamus hid behind the nearest potted plant. Moments later, the biggest, baddest Uber in the known worlds appeared at the doorway.

“Alright ship, what is this stench offending me?”

Seamus watched as a holographic image of the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen in his life appear before the Uber. “That stench, as you so lovingly call it, is your dinner. It’s fish. Now, go eat your dinner before your break is over.”

The Uber growled under his breath and went over to the warmer. Taking out the dish he sniffed, then snorted. “I could have made this better fresh.”

“You could have, but then you wouldn’t have time to eat it before the break ends and the avatar relieves you. Now eat.”

The Uber ate his fill, stopping only to complain about the service. When he was done, he pushed the plate aside and began to pull out his collection of guns, knives, and other weapons he carried with him while on duty. The hologram snorted.

The warship crossed her arms in annoyance. “I can protect you from any intruders on board, you know.”

“You can’t even protect me from that smell. It smells like mudfoot in here.” The Uber said as he counted. Soon he got tired. With a yawned he closed his eyes, slowly dozing off.

Once the Uber was asleep, the hologram vanished, only to appear in miniature by Seamus’ side. “Now’s you chance, kid. Run.”

“Kid?” Seamus crept out from under the table as quietly as he could. On his way out he spied some of the nicest Gauss guns he’d ever seen. Without thinking, he reached out and took a few with him as he made his way back to the Maru.

Once he arrived on the Maru, he woke up Beka, told her his tale, and showed her the guns. “Nice guns. So what else have they got?”

“Uh… more Sparky than I could possibly drink?”

“What else?”

“Uh, you know,” Seamus said, “This and that.”

“Go get me something else we can salvage.” Beka looked at the guns. “Maybe you can find some more guns or tech.”

“Beka… I don’t think this is a good idea.”

“Hey, how many times do I have to tell you, crew with me, you do what I tell you. Or out the nearest airlock you go.”

Seamus sighed. He loved her too much to tell her no. So out the Maru and back up the ladder he went.

Wandering the ship some more, he saw the beautiful hologram appear to him again. “What are you doing still on board? Do you want my weapons officer to kill you?”

Seamus could hear the thundering footsteps of the Uber as he ran in the corridor above his own. He shuddered. “Sorry sweet cheeks, but I was just looking. Besides my ship can’t leave yet, she still needs repairs. Can you cover for me a little while longer?”

The hologram nodded and crossed her arms. “Only if you do some work for me. I need to have some panels fixed on Deck 19. I’ll send my avatar, Rommie, to escort you.”

Seamus, not wanting to upset such a beautiful warship, waited. Soon he saw a woman, who looked just like the hologram approach him. Seamus could not believe his eyes.

“Now I know I’m in love,” Seamus said as the hologram and avatar simultaneously blushed. “You’re prettier than the goose that laid the golden eggs.”

“What’s a goose?” Rommie said, tilting her head.

“It’s an Earth thing. Lead the way.” Rommie led Harper to Deck 19 and provided him with all the necessary parts he needed, including golden circuit boards.

Which happened, by coincidence, to be the same sort of circuit boards the Maru used. Seamus grinned as he pocketed a few of them while he worked. When he was nearly complete, he looked over at the beautiful android and said, “So, what’s a good looking droid like you doing on a ship like this?”

“I am the ship,” Rommie said, concentrating on another circuit nearby.

“I thought the hologram babe was the ship.”

“She is. She’s also me.” Rommie still wasn’t looking up. Seamus took out a scanner and quickly wrote a program.

“So you know how to make these circuit thingies?”

“Yes.”

Seamus activated the program and Rommie fell over into his arms, unconscious. Picking her up, he said. “That’s all I need to know.” Seamus started back towards the ladder, but he saw the Uber on his way. Quickly he hid inside a conduit with the android.

The Uber was running down the hallway on his way to the Mess Deck when he stopped suddenly. “Ship, what is that smell?”

The hologram appeared again. “That’s the beef I’m preparing for dinner.”

“Are you absolutely sure? Cause it smells a lot like mudfoot in here.”

“Are you questioning my computing capabilities or the way I cook?”

Tyr rolled his eyes and continued on his way to the Mess Deck.

It was hard making his way back to the ship with the android, but he managed to do so. Once there he showed Beka the circuit boards and the beautiful android.

“Congrats,” said Beka. “You found yourself a love doll. But what about me? You go find me something to salvage already!!”

So Seamus went back on more time. This time when the hologram appeared in front of him, she was scowling.

“You took me to your ship, why?”

Seamus looked to the floor. “Well, I wanted to take you out to see some of the sights. And… I can’t take you, hologram. So I was hoping I could take your avatar instead. She can share her experiences with you when she gets back.”

“Where did you plan to take me?”

Seamus hadn’t thought that far. Taking a moment to think he said, “How about Infinity Atoll? I can show her how to surf?”

The hologram seemed satisfied with this. “I always wanted to go on vacation, maybe surf… Oh, what the hell. But first, finish my panels. I’ll send the science officer down with a Sparky.”

Seamus made his way back to Deck 19. He was about to finish up his final panel when he heard what had to be the worst possible voice in the galaxy singing in the distance. Looking up, he saw what appeared to be a Magog in Wayist clothing with a can of Sparky coming towards him.

Seamus stood just as he handed him his cola. Seamus was frightened of the Magog, but his curiosity got the better of him.

“Hi, you must be the little man Rommie keeps talking about.”

“Yeah… How did you get here?”

“Oh, it’s a long story. Suffice it to say that the Divine has a strange sense of humor.”

“Huh, ever did salvage work?”

“Once or twice.”

“Wanna meet my boss?”

“Okay, but I need to tell Tyr where I’m going. TYR!”

And Seamus saw the biggest Uber in the known worlds round the corner and look at them

“I knew I smelled mudfoot,” he growled as he ran towards them. Seamus grabbed the Magog’s hand and ran for the ladder back to the Hanger Deck. When he reached the ladder, he grabbed a hold of both sides and slid all the way down. The Magog followed, landing on his clawed feet with a toothy grin.

When the Uber saw what Seamus had done he tried to do the same thing. The only problem was, he was too big. He lost his balance and fell to the floor in a heap.

Seamus approached carefully and asked, “Is he dead?”

The hologram appeared. “No, he’s not dead. Just unconscious. This would be a good time to take me on vacation, by the way.”

“I was thinking the same thing.” He took the Magog on board.

Beka shook her head when she saw the pixie. “I said get something for me this time. And you got me a Magog? Well, if you want something right, do it yourself.” And Beka left the Maru to look around the silvery ship for herself.

Seamus looked back and forth between the Magog and the android. Finally he grinned widely. “Let’s book.”

So Seamus took the avatar and the Magog and left the silvery ship for parts unknown. And they lived happily ever after.

As for Beka, she soon met up with a very large and very angry Uber with a headache.

-- End--