NOTE: welcome back... in the past year or so I have been writing mostly in online journals and diaries and many of those entries could be considered letters to strangers or fall into any of the gardens here in my larger written world... still, now and then I am inspired to write an email and there are a few that could be pulled from the Sent folder to be put up here... hopefully that will happen one of these days... or years... for now, I offer you this glimpse into me as I was inspired to write this letter today...

take your time with answering... no rush... no obligation... no pressure at all... I understand a disassociative life... I work night shift and have gone through many periods of seldom getting out of the apartment between shifts and I spend most of writing rambling entries here because writing has always been my best friend, hobby, creative release, emotional catharis, therapy, salvation, and the thing I do to stay alive and happy with myself and also my primary coping mechanism as I deal with the world, life, and everything...

if I lived nearby, I'd like to visit you... I live in Orlando, FL and you are welcome to stop by if you visit here... it is the open honesty in your words that leads me to want to know you and talk with you... from a human perspective I suppose I am very child-like in that way, open, honest, curious, innocent (in that I mean no harm, not that I have not experienced trauma nor will I say that I have no negative or unpleasant or pleasantly sexual thoughts, not about you though... I do not feel any negative, unpleasant, or sexual thoughts about you... and being a comfortable heterosexual male {not at all homophobic}, that's ok for me)... I find that getting sexuality cleared up early is healthy for any meeting and being a very sensual person with a hungry libido, I do not want the sensuality and loneliness that occasionally pours out into my words to be misunderstood... the fact that we both love hot steamy showers or that I just enjoyed one may have brought this thought to mind... or perhaps it was the way the word innocence is so often miscontrued in human language...

I tend to handle fears and changes and challenges and new experiences well as I thrive on learning and growing and sharing... I used to read a lot of fiction, especially science fiction, but find writing time sucks up reading time these days... so in my free time now I mostly write a lot and read online when I can... I have recently started exercising again and it feels wonderful and hope the pattern continues... I might look back on this time of this life and think I was pathetic (not in a derogatory way), but it is the way I am and I love me, so I will accept the changes and hope for the best...

there have been times I knew great happiness in this life... lived with people who loved me, children called me daddy, almost... I am addicted to romance and want the full blown fairy tale of happily ever after (with all the fun stuff not put into fairy tales) and that is what I live for, besides the writing... there are times of great trauma and tragedy and profound betrayal of trust in my memory and that is what keeps me alone these days, fear of trusting intimacy again... others have probably had it much worse, but I only have my life to live and this is where I am today... reaching out like this is a positive sign...

what makes me feel best is sharing honest, open, innocent, unconditional love and trust... I still hope to do that again in this life, because I like to feel as good as I can feel... that is a very vulnerable way to be and I have learned to be a little (or a lot, perspective is everything, after all) defensive in recent years and I do not like being defensive so I am exploring the phenomenon rather delicately in an attempt to work through it... luckily for me is the fact that what makes me second happiest in this life is inspiring positivity in others and giving and I can give a little even from behind my defenses, like here I am giving words to you, giving me to you in a relatively safe way...

there were times in this life when I had much material stuff and wealth to give away... I loved those times because I could give people any small thing they wanted (I love surprising people with gifts when they least expect it and did not know I noticed that the gift is exactly what they were hoping to get for themselves as soon as they could afford it) every day... a lot of people came around in those days... almost all of those people are gone now... I do not want to believe they stopped coming around because I no longer have stuff to give and I do not have to believe that because I did move and disappear and change lives and get defensive and made it very challenging for anyone to keep in touch with me... but I am not completely stupid and I do know that people use people and many of the people who came around did so only for the stuff and did not really care who gave it... not everybody though...

I am not sure why I am reaching out to you today... I want attention, online especially... more than anything I want someone to understand and I think you might... there is always hope... as you may see in these words, as open or vulnerable as they might seem (are?), my defenses keep my introduction rather vague... not like yours, and yet, a little like yours... if that makes any sense...

I do not want to copy you... I wouldn't mind getting some of the attention you get, and yet, I have an ego that says "no, I want it because they like me not cuz I am following someone popular"... and yet, some fame-seeking happens inside of me from time to time, so that is partly why I am writing this... it will probably appear on the web somewhere, somehow...

I experience a similar love-trepidation relationship with attention and contact... I feel really bad when I do not respond to each one (note, comment, guestbook entry, email, phone message, etc.), not just respond, but visit the person (at least online) and read and get to know something meaningful about the person so I have something personally meaningful and therein more worthwhile to say to each person in my response... I wish there was time to do that... but poverty (work, work, work) and time itself (never enough) gets in the way these days... that is why I write in public in diaries and journals and wherever I think someone might read and appreciate the words I can offer... I want to mean something to someone, really, personally, seriously, intimately, be real for someone...

this is where I will pause or conclude (I don't know if any writing is every finished) this... I hope you found some worth in the time you spent reading... I hope you feel comfortable putting these words aside and letting time pass without any doubts or guilt or worries... I hope we can at least understand that similarity in each other... and I hope you will come to know and believe that if and when you feel like sharing something, it will be welcome here...

share, care, be well, be aware... till tomorrow,
honest love, ric
http://candoor.net
407-325-1482

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