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THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE...
LETTERS TO STRANGERS
...WORDS I HAVE POSTED PUBLICALLY IN VARIOUS PLACES IN RESPONSE TO OTHERS WORDS...

...a friend is a stranger waiting to be met...

Wanna Die

August 14, 1998

>dont evre trust nobody - dont believe in anyhting - dont hope for anythin -
>dont wish for anyhtign - dont love - cuz nobody loevs you back - they jsut
>make fun of you when they say they love you - hidehidehide - dont let
>nobody knwo ti hurts - they make it worsr - dont want - dont need -
>dontdontdont - dont try anymoer - wanna die to make evreyhting better
>

this sounds a lot like being dead... but then, I don't really remember ever being dead, so maybe being dead is better... and yet, we are alive and I do remember what being alive feels like...
 it feels good...
 it feels bad...
 it feels like the best thing I ever had...
 it feels so damned painful it drives me mad...
 it feels happy...
 it feels sad...
 it feels...
that's it, it feels
and feelings make it real

pretending I don't feel is just a waste of time
and I don't want to waste my time
I can appear numb, feel blind, deaf and dumb
but it's still feeling some
and all that does is increase pain
repression drives me insane
suppression smothers my brain
oppression is so inane

if I was held prisoner and tortured by someone
and I had the chance to get out and run
I'd set myself free from the tyrants cell
 so why do I create my own living hell?...

I am alive, pretending I'm not
and I am free, pretending I'm not
I am feeling inside, pretending it doesn't show
I am anything I want to be, pretending I don't know
 and I pretend so well, it makes it so...
being alive, being dead... achieve it and maybe you get what you say you want... but then, I post words... you post words... we reach out... what's that all about?... coincidence?... climbing a fence?... it's daring to share and letting someone be aware of who we are... and if we go this far, what then?... reject the responses we asked for by reaching out?...

I love you... others care too... I took this time just to write to you cuz I care about you... I hope this makes it a little better, even for just a moment...
> dont ever trust nobody dont believe in anything dont hope for anything dont wish for anything dont love cuz nobody loves you back they just make fun of you when they say they love you hidehidehide <
and they think it doesn't show
but it does
I see you, I see me,
and I like what I see

> don't let nobody know it hurts <
you know, I know
pretending nobody knows doesn't change it
pretending nobody cares doesn't stop me
pretending I don't feel doesn't feel any better
so I wrote this little letter...

> they make it worse <
you make it better, I make it better
when we want to
it's up to me and you

> dont want <
pretending I don't want doesn't stop desire

> dont need <
pretending I don't need doesn't put out the fire

> don'tdon'tdon't <
doing nothing doesn't feel any better

> dont try anymore <
not trying doesn't help me forget her

or him

I can still see the truth
even when the light is dim

> - wanna die to make everything better - <
but how can I be sure it will
uncertainty is a bitter chill
truth can be a scary pill
but I still have my own free will
and I feel this bad because I still have ethics
and a conscience - and a heart
even if it's falling apart
but truth is truth from the end to the start
I still have my own free will

and I will not condone murder
even if it's only me I kill...

honest love, ric

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