LETTERS TO STRANGERS
...WORDS I HAVE POSTED PUBLICALLY IN VARIOUS PLACES IN RESPONSE TO OTHERS WORDS...
...a friend is a stranger waiting to be met...
ABOUT BETRAYALS
THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE...
all I've ever needed was the one
>Any suggestions, etc. would be greatly appreciated. I look forward to
LETTERS TO STRANGERS
...WORDS I HAVE POSTED PUBLICALLY IN VARIOUS PLACES IN RESPONSE TO OTHERS WORDS...
...a friend is a stranger waiting to be met...
ABOUT BETRAYALS
January 11, 2000
Hi :)
thanks and good to see you here and I think I'm gonna ramble on a bit :)
>Hello Folks,
>
>I would just like to announce that my de-lurking software finally worked. I
>lurked here for a little bit and appreciate the candid and straightforward
>conversations herein. It's refreshing to hear adults discuss these issues.
>
your attitude is fresh air
and I appreciate you opening your window
and letting me in :)
>I'd like to take a moment to describe my dilemma: Yes, I am a loner.
>I have been all my life. I can count the number of friends I have
>had on one hand. (That is, people who I cared for and cared for me.)
>All these friends however betrayed me in one fashion or another, and
>I am extremely tentative about starting any relationship that could
>be that close.
>
I have known betrayals... a couple so profound that they have interfered with living life as I want to... and though all are passing into the past and resolved enough to not be intrusive in my daily thoughts or perceptions, some I still work through deep inside... for nothing is unchanged, where there is or has been love... still, though changed, the longing for love remains...
trusting that someone will not betray again... is trusting that I can trust myself to use my senses to determine if another is in touch with self enough to be honest with self... so I must ask - am I honest with self?... hope so... think so... but what is the test?... solitary peace and happiness?... perhaps, but it all can be illusion... it's something deeper that continues even when consciousness hesitates and is heavy with doubts...
and it the seeking of proof that I can trust someone that will keep me from knowing if I can... it is my doubt that will keep me from trusting... and that is what will keep me alone... so I must overcome my own walls...
how?... I know of no other way but to do it... to do the act of trusting... to open myself and expose my vulnerabilities and allow anyone to do what they will, say what they will, and then... I might find another who trusts self enough to do the same... this is what makes sense to me when I think about it... but it was decided and is decided without thought...
and of course... I could be wrong...
>Don't get wrong, I know lots of people. Ironically enough, despite my
>anti-social attitude, I am a bartender. I can go to almost any bar in town
>and strike up a conversation with a number of people I've met through that
>particular venue. The problem is not that of casual relationships, but
>close, more intimate relationships.
>
there's little vulnerability in casual relationships... little to lose... little risk of pain... and little of the true meaning and depth of emotion life can offer...
>Last year, I had a girlfriend for several months. One day, she called me
>and said that she wasn't ready for a relationship just yet. I understood
>her position because I knew of all the crap that she put up with in the
>past. I decided to bide my time and wait it out. It turned out that she
>lied to get away from me. It wasn't that she didn't want a relationship.
>She just didn't want a relationship with me!
>
and to spare your feelings, she lied... the hypocrisy of those who propose that honesty is not the best policy baffles me... I believe any truth that might hurt hurts infinitely more if told as a softened truth mixed with little white lies... I think any truth can be told with compassion, but there is little if any compassion in even the smallest lie, just much selfishness, disrespect, inconsideration, fear, and other negatives energies...
>In the last couple of months, I've given this experience a lot of thought
>and I'm starting to notice a pattern. I know, and have known, a lot of
>single women, who by their own admission, are looking for a relationship.
>They tell me these things because I'm "such a nice guy." I've heard that
>line so many times, that I just don't believe it anymore. These women tell
>me that I'm good-looking, intelligent, honest, etc. But, when it comes to
>the remote possibility of _considering_ a deeper relationship with me, all
>of a sudden I am a leper.
>
do you think you are a leper?... or do you allow the rejections, however they come, to influence your view of yourself?... I think the only true of yourself that you can find is the view you see from the inside... I believe what others think, how other treat you is as important as you choose to make it...
it is a challenge... sometimes a seemingly unbearable challenge... to be faced with the views of others again and again when they are not positive or supportive judgments of you... when they are rejections... but it is still other people who do not know you as well as you know you... and the only way you will find what you deserve - to be loved and respect deeply and not rejected - is to find belief in yourself that you deserve it... that those who reject you, no matter how many or how often or how much energy the put into it, do not know your worth... in fact, they are only rejecting the surface - for they fear or don't care enough to explore and share deeper... that's what I think...
>Perhaps somewhere in the group there are people who can clue me in on this.
>It is not that I don't try. I dig down deep each and every time to try to
>relate with the people I meet. I make an effort to find the good in people.
>And yet I come up empty-handed all the time.
>
maybe you try too much... maybe you dig too deep... most people dn't want depth at first... most people fear their own depths and when presented with yours it is a reminder of how superficial they are - even if they smile on the surpface and act politely, subconsciously they hate you for you represent what they fear... and what they pretend... and what they lie to themselves about...
I have no answer, I am in a similar place... too intense, too deep, asking too much of an intimate partner... I don't know if words can even express it, really... why are we alone?... because no one satisfies the depths... why?... and we look outside of ourselves for answers... but do we ever ask the question... if we are not satsfied with ourselves alone... how can anyone be satisfied with us?... and how can we ask someone else to do what we won't do ourselves?...
>My goals are so simple:
>1. To find a person I can respect and honor (male or female), who I can
>trust and who trust me, whose company I can enjoy.
>
I sometimes wonder if I want to much... for certainly others find people they seem to respect and honor and trust and enjoy... and I've known some people I've felt all this for... but it's the permanence that I seek that doesn't remain... and then I wonder, why seek permanence in a life so brief... in a life where nothing is permanent, why not be satisfied with a moment...
that may be rationalization for accepting loneliness between the shared moments... or maybe it's peace...
>2. To find a woman with whom I can spend the rest of my life.
>
>Why is this so hard?
>
because I try too hard?... because what I want is too much for any one person to fulfill?... because I am afraid to give it all so I an suspect in asking for it all?... because I do give it all and I am suspect because I don't have the same fears and walls most have?... because the sky is falling?... it all makes so much sense (well, maybe not the sky part :}
and when it becomes an obsession
to love and be loved...
do we find fault with those who reject us
do we blame them for our fears and doubts
do we challenge them to prove they care
do we forget what we really want
to love and be loved...
do we accept some will not love us
and move on to those who do
or do we let the rejections
black out the love we can share
do we dare ask these questions
do we dare answer
so it's all my fault
for blaming myself
and carrying around the marks of rejections
screaming scars of failures
and I wonder why I'm not attracting
the positive, beautiful, healthy person
I wish I still was?
and when I am happy
rising above the pain
leaving behind the fear
open to sharing the love
daring to let go of doubts
ready to trust again
all the words become poetry
and all the beauty becomes life
>contributing more in the future, hopefully on a more positive note.
>
I don't know if I offered any suggestions
I sure do feel like you've inspired something...
so thank you for your appreciation
for your enjoyment
and for sharing yourself here...
>PS Thanks Ric for your poetry. I've enjoyed them very much.
:)
honest love, ric
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