THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... 

Letters To Strangers
(and strangers are just friends we haven't met... or is it friends are just strangers waiting to be met... well, it's something like that ;)

     another weekend :)

a mind full of thoughts
some happy some sad
some so dang intense
they're driving me mad
that's crazy, not angry
for clarity's sake
  (is clarity here yet?...
oh give me a break ;)
parentheses be gone
I'm distracted enough
by the confusing games here
and by my own tough stuff
so I'm starting over
I'm not quite sure how
but one thing is for sure
I'm starting right now :)

ok, so... I want to communicate... and I have too much to say to too many people in the limited time I have to write... so... I am going to write to everybody like this from time to time (I know, I have already, but now I'm deciding to... before it was not thought through... there is a difference... for one thing, I often feel more comfortable knowing what I am doing than just doing it without thinking it through much... anyway, this doesn't need much more explanation, does it?... maybe it didn't need any? LAM ;)  ... another form or mode of communication begins - or continues to take shape... wonder what will come of it... I suppose time will tell (but time will take it's sweet time telling, huh? :)  ... maybe you'll tell first? ;)

ok, see, I've got challenges of my own... and that's a big part of why I come here and why I write... but if all my writing time is going to be devoted to trying to mediate here (as it almost was last weekend), well... I won't want to come here (geee, did I just get blatantly honest?... excuse me, my little kid sometimes forgets the social protocols and stuff this culture tried shoving down his little throat ;)   ... but I do want to come here... so...

I'm making a deal with myself (gotta start here before I can present myself anywhere else, ya know? :)  ... I'm gonna come here for to give *and* to get support... fair deal I think... the giving part is up to you, in that I'll do what I'm asked to do to help as long as it doesn't violate my ideals (for more on my ideals, see Anonanonanon's "Hot Start" web page linked below :)  ... the getting part is up to me, in that I've got to articulate my "stuff" well enough to let you understand so you can respond... makes sense to me...

oh, did I mention I'm going to think outloud here?... I figure I'm allowed... free speech and all ;)  ... anybody who doesn't think I should use this forum to think outloud doesn't have to download or read my words... fair enough?... on the positive side for you, I figure it I can get myself back to the free-association, relatively uninhibited babbling I'm used to from me, then maybe my candor will inspire others to open up... and if you explore yourself in words, even just for yourself, with no inhibitions, maybe you'll figure yourself out (that's my goal and I usually reach it this way :)

so what I mean is (back to the previous paragraph :)  ... I'm gonna do my best to read as many of the posts as I can and respond when I have something positive to say... but time doesn't permit reading everything and certainly I do not have time to respond to everything I want to respond to (especially not the way I like to respond ;)  ... if I don't like something somebody posts, I might post a line or two as positively as I can get, but I'm gonna do my best to focus my time and energy on sharing without arguing or correcting or debating or upsetting myself over stuff I can not control...

the way I see it, anybody can post anything here, that's reality... and I can respond any way I want to, that's under my control... it's really that simple for the childinside me :)  ... so I'm gonna try to remember who I am (did I just hear Supertramp sing something about logical or highly illogical?... or was that Mr. Spock ;)  ... see, I really am very distracted by my own personal pains... my stinky sense of humour proves it... focus, ric...

ok, so anyway, I'm welcoming myself back by welcoming you into my written gardens (what I call my writing world)... as the web pages continue to grow, things may become clearer for anybody who doesn't know me well and wants to... but the web pages are not as interactive as a newsgroup, which is why I'm trying this - including this newsgroup in my gardens... who knows, maybe it's a step toward publishing (friends always seemed to want that for me more than I did... maybe I can make them happy this way... I think I'm gonna post these babblings on the web page too (though I think I'm reserving the right to edit as I go as I always do, as I never see any writing as completely "finished" :)  ... hmmm... what to call those pages or that section?... "letters to strangers"? (with the reminder that "friends are just strangers waiting to be met"... or strangers are just friend we haven't met"... or something like that :)... I think I like that... but I'll give it some more thought... any ideas?... hmmm... maybe an asl section?... oh, am I actually trying to *organize* my mind and gardens? LOL LAM :)

maybe it's just a dream
maybe we can make it real
by believing in each other
by sharing what we feel
by being tolerant of differences
and accepting of changes
maybe we can create friends
where once were only strangers

there is a childinside of me
who believes what I say
as idealistic as it seems
it will not fade away
and all the cruelty in this world
and all the pain I've known
has not detered this child one bit
child goes on alone
  but the child does not want to be alone...

(misty fade-in flashback music :)

out of the blue is where you find me
painting pictures in the sky
out of the blue, so don't remind me
cuz I found a peaceful high
out of the blue, you can come with me
or you can go on your own
some say someone walked on water
but he took that walk alone

(some other kind of fade-back flash-forward music, or something like that ;)

I don't want to be a savior
not no prophet, not no saint
I just want to be an honest child
and I won't be what I ain't
I'll play with words when I feel sad
and when I want to smile
and maybe you will understand
if you will read a while

all I ever wanted was
to love and be loved
it's the reason I'm alive
and what I most dream of
I don't want any conditions
I don't want to play games
and if I don't get what I want
I'm the only one to blame

my dream has not come true just yet
but I will not give up
no matter what anybody else does
I don't want poisons in my cup
I'll live my way until I die
and die happy that way
even if my dream doesn't come true
this is the best I can do
and I wish the same for you
  so I've come here to say...

welcome strangers, welcome friends
to my world where love has no ends
my written gardens are open again
electronically I turn on my pen
what more can I do than be all I can be
and share myself with you honestly?
this is what I try to do right here
and I hope I can make myself clear
and I hope I inspire you to share
because it feels better to care
it always feels better to care
especially when someone else cares
  and I care...

so I start sharing here and now
and I am caring here and now
and I hope you will believe too
for I want to believe in you
and you can make yourself real
by expressing how you feel
and I hope I've inspired you
to tell me what you feel is true

if you dare believe in love
and share the dream you're dreaming of
we can learn how to do it better
that's the reason for this letter
to express myself to you
and hope you will share you too
and if we just don't pretend
  we can be friends... we can be friends...

maybe it's just a dream
  maybe we can make it real...

well, the rhymes tend to loop round and round cuz they're like songs and songs tend to loop round and round (and one reason I love songs is cuz if we don't get them right the first time we can sing them over and over again... no, I won't start singing "The Song That Doesn't End" just yet lol ;)

and I don't really like coming to an "end" so I would rather just come to a pause in the flow of words and say "till next time" or "later" or something...

but there was some other points on my mind when I started this :)  ... ah, this newsgroup (yes, giggling ;)   ... ok, I welcome and encourage comments or ideas on my ideas expressed in my words... if enough of you would rather I not include asl in my gardens, I'll humbly keep my ramblings in personal mail, journals, and web pages... I never tried going this public before, so it's new to me...

and the stuff inside me... the childinside me wants to come out to play again... I've kept child cooped up in a closet for a long time... saving myself for "the one"... it's some sense of loyalty to purity that might be described as ethereal virginity (now there's something to dive deeper into in time :)  ... some might call it crazy (and not just Steven Tyler ;)  ... as Linda Ronstadt once sang (I forget who wrote it) - "I may not have been faithful, but I always have been true"... most people don't believe I really exist when I describe myself... and those who come real close don't seem to want to believe I do when they find out I do... or something like that :)

so... I'm gonna try to come out and play again... right here even... ok?...

gotta heal some it seems (and an old song comes to mind... and a newer song too... two of my all time favorites... something about amazing amazement :)  ... I don't mean to be obscure (well, not always LAM ;)  ... I figure anybody who cares enough will find a way to budge me into deeper waters to explain whatever references I make... sometimes the explorations might lead to profound revelations... sometimes to utter nonsense (but fun)... sometimes to nothing at all (making love, out of nothing at all... oh, the music slowly creeps back through the cracks of my psyche... or is it the lyrics seeping back in through the cracks of my broken heart?... more to explore as the time permits and words flow :)

anyway, I can be as elusive as trying to catch a vaseline covered fish with rubber gloves on... and I can be as direct as a sledge hammer to the center of the psyche... usually, it's a relfection of the approaching questions and sharings :)  ... a friendly warning or an even more friendly challenge, depending on your mood I suppose :)  ... one thing I've found some agreement on about me is... I do tend to be a mirror most of the time...

well... this is a start... I haven't scratched the surface of the stuff I'm dealing with today or the pains I'm allowing them to cause... but the surface gets scratched on the web pages (and if nothing else, I'm certainly swinging from one extreme to another - can we say *undecided*? lam :)  ... if you're really looking to offer me support, well, you could start by responding to what's coming out on the web pages (or should I post what I put there here as I put it there?... another question for you that might be lost in all this babble... I notice I don't get as many answers to my questions as I'd like... suppose I'm not the only one without time to read and respond as I'd like :}  ... I'll scratch more in more places (like here) when the time is right (one thing that has not changed since my first conscious thoughts is my unfailing, unwavering, unconditional trust of my "gut", my "self" or whatever the bottom line inside me might be called)...

I really appreciate anybody still reading and caring... we know who we are (well, some of us do ;)  ... and I look forward to sharing (cuz if you don't tell me who you are, how am I to know? :)  ... please respond (any way you want, my mailbox has it's mouth open and it's hungry :)

I am determined (and I am a stubborn child LAM :)  to free myself from the blues I've allowed myself to be painted into in the last few years... and as I come out of the blue, I hope to find you either travelling along your path out of your blues or waiting out where the rainbow meets the sky :) 

so as I've said, this is a start... another weekend... how are you? :)

honest love, ric

IRL (IN REAL LIFE): please understand my life is so busy these days that my on-line time is limited to weekends, so expect responses from me only once a week for a while (but I still eagerly look for your responses :)

typos are free, so I include lots ;)
something to say to me?... write! :)  (click here)
when I have time, I'll include my ICQ # again :)
for more info, other paths (most yet to be discovered or created), and
possibly shocking disclosures (or at least more babble) check out
A Brief Introduction to Anonanonanon
and for the latest info about me in this life (real? ;) surf over to
my "Keep In Touch" page
  *  *  *  *  *  pages last added to on July 24, 1998  *  *  *  *  *

"Now sometimes words can serve me well
and sometimes words can go to hell
for all that they do,
and for every dream that's got me high
there's been a dream that's passed me by
I know it's so true,
and I can see it clear out to the end
  and I'll whisper... "
~ Harry Chapin ~

and once again I say "thank you Harry"... and keep the change :)

I have made a little music in some corners of the land
I have fused some crystal images from common grains of sand
And if I haven't reached the heavens, I've surely learned to fly
I've been caught up in the soaring and the touching of the sky

But the startripper's coming on back home now
It's a crazy blind man's journey he's been on
The startripper's lost and all alone now
And it's your face he'd like to look upon
Yes, he's praying that you won't be long gone

They put you in a capsule, they send you towards the sun
They carve you into plastic before you orbit's done
And all the scribes and seers they chorus out your name
Though the photographs and headlines change the story stays the same

So the startripper's coming on back home now
It's a crazy blind man's journey he's been on
The startripper's lost and all alone now
And it's your face he'd like to look upon
Yes, he's praying that you won't be long gone

I thought that I was soaring like an eagle
I thought that I was roaring like the wind
I thought that I had surely reached the end now
But I can't remember anywhere I've been

Was I looking for a star or something else behind it?
Whatever I was looking for, I surely did not find it
And for all my sky high journeys the only thing I know
Is that you almost always lose yourself when you let yourself go

So the startripper's coming on back home now
It's a crazy blind man's journey he's been on
The startripper's lost and all alone now
And it's your face he'd like to look upon
Yes, he's praying that you won't be long gone

~~  Star Tripper   by  Harry Chapin  ~~


Another Weekend
Ric Candor    ©1998

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