raw
K wrote ...
>This is how I'm feeling. No cutting from this document, no deleting,
>nothing. Raw me. I don't understand how I got here.
>
>I've been through what I always thought was a painfully dull life.
> I lied, I tried to get attention. And now I realize that my life was very
>opposite dull. Painful, yes, but not dull.
>
>And I don't understand why everything has to hurt so much. Nothing
>can make me happy.
>
>A good thing happens, and it just upsets me.
>I don't think I'm capable of being happy.
>I sit and listen to sad songs on my computer.
>But I try to justify my unhappiness.
>
>R doesn't want me. K didn't want me, J didn't want me, P didn't want me,
>J- didn't want me. But it's so much more. I don't know what I am.
>Who I am. And everything hurts. H hurt. R hurt. Why does it always
>have to be about people with me? My friends ask me that a lot.
>Why can't I be alone? Because... I'm scared.
>
>I don't want to do this. I don't want to hurt, but I really do think
>this is the only way to deal with my pain. No, it's not. I know it's
>not, I'm lying to myself. I know that cutting myself isn't going to
>make the mental pain go away. Karl was right. It's an addiction. I'm
>in withdrawal, but it's an addiction.
>
>I want to fail. I want to be nothing. At least then I'd have an
>emotion that's justifiable. Then my actions would make sense. I can't
>explain how I feel right now.
>
>Nevermind. This is my life. I hate the way I am. I'm so confused, I
>don't know what's going on. I just know what I want to do. I used to
>be proud... I used to be happy. I don't know where it all went.
>
>I'm so lying to myself about Hal. I don't know what made me think that
>he liked me. That was so stupid of me. It was just sex. I don't know
>what I was thinking. Fuck it. I deserve this.
>
>I've waited far too long. I need this so bad. So just fuck the world.
>I want to do it, I'm miserable, everything's going wrong. I can't be loved.
>I don't know when to quit. I don't know what I was thinking.
>
>So just fuck it. I sleep around. I have no self respect. Everyone
>knows it. So if everyone knows already, there's no hope for me.
>Christ, I know it and I accept it. I'm so useless.
>
>I just wish there were some way to justify this.
>
> -Karen.
>
>This is how I'm feeling. No cutting from this document, no deleting,
>nothing. Raw me.
beautiful.
>I don't understand how I got here.
who does?...
>I've been through what I always thought was a painfully dull life.
it is far from through, please believe in you... I do...
> I lied, I tried to get attention.
who doesn't?...
>And now I realize that my life was very opposite dull. Painful, yes,
>but not dull.
maybe you reach for depths and heights others fear too much to explore or share, so you find yourself left alone wanting more... and unfulfilled wanting can be the dullest pain of all, but oh how it can hurt...
>And I don't understand why everything has to hurt so much. Nothing can
>make me happy.
only you can... you're in there... and you are worth exploring... and you do not have to cut yourself to come out... you just have to find yourself... and love yourself... a lot of people, maybe most, give up before they do either... they accept indifference and pretend to be happy in confused, superficial lives... eventually they pretend so well they fool themselves and accept a less aware level of living as happiness and fulfillment...
we call those who don't settle, but rather choose to deal with the angst of dreaming impossible dreams, artists and creative or eccentric or even geniuses... some lead very depressing lives cuz perfection can not be satsfied... some give up and just get wasted...
I hope you can find self-satisfaction in some things.... like writing - expressing yourself and your imagination in words... it can set you free if you learn to appreciate yourself for what you can do... take a step back and some of the pressure off... you don't have to figure out all of yourself overnight... you are not a failure just cuz you try lots of things and they aren't right for you...
just wake up and try to enjoy the day... one day at a time... remember what pleases you and what doesn't... and focus energy on what pleases you... if that changes things, activities, people, whatever in your life, so be it... but stay on the path wherever it leads and try to learn the most important lesson of all... patience... and acceptance of self...
>A good thing happens, and it just upsets me.
why?
>I don't think I'm capable of being happy.
I think everyone is capable of being happy... maybe you never learned - or have forgotten how... love you - do things that really please you (without lying to yourself)... that's the way to happiness...
>I sit and listen to sad songs on my computer.
send me some :)
try to accept it as a season in your life... no matter how long the
season seems to last, seasons change and you'll wake up one day and the sad songs will just be beautifully sad songs and reflections of your past instead of reflections the new season of your life...
I wondered if this could be true for me... until it happened to me... now I know that it is true...
"All my life's a circle, sunrise and sundown,
the moon rolls thru the nighttime, till the daybreak comes
around...
All my life's a circle, but I can't tell you why,
the season's spinning round again, the years keep rollin' by"
~ Harry Chapin ~
>But I try to justify my unhappiness.
intelligent, sensitive people want to make sense of and understand their feelings... consider it a plus that you don't just always wallow in it...
> R doesn't want me. K didn't want me, J didn't want me, P didn't want me,
>J- didn't want me. But it's so much more. I don't know what I am.
> Who I am. And everything hurts. H hurt. R hurt. Why does it always
>have to be about people with me? My friends ask me that a lot.
>Why can't I be alone? Because... I'm scared.
there... get back to this moment and ask yourself what you are afraid of... really... deeply... express it...
>I don't want to do this. I don't want to hurt, but I really do think
>this is the only way to deal with my pain. No, it's not. I know it's
>not, I'm lying to myself. I know that cutting myself isn't going to
>make the mental pain go away. Karl was right. It's an addiction. I'm
>in withdrawal, but it's an addiction.
right... an addiction to physical pain and the experience... like any drug, it's an altered state, a heightened feeling... the body produces addictive drugs too... you understand this... ask yourself what else can produce the same or similar high... serious exercise is my answer... find yours...
>I want to fail. I want to be nothing. At least then I'd have an
>emotion that's justifiable. Then my actions would make sense. I can't
>explain how I feel right now.
you've done a great job of expressing what you "can't" explain :)
what are you really afraid of?... maybe risking being something?...
>Nevermind. This is my life. I hate the way I am. I'm so confused, I
>don't know what's going on. I just know what I want to do. I used to
>be proud... I used to be happy. I don't know where it all went.
into a dark spiral... maybe egged on by distractions like you've described - addictions... to love... to pain... to drugs... to emotions...
>I'm so lying to myself about H. I don't know what made me think that
>he liked me. That was so stupid of me. It was just sex. I don't know
>what I was thinking.
"dreaming of the perfect love
while holding it so high above..."
~ Jackson Browne ~
maybe your desire to be loved is blinding you...
and maybe you need to step back and re-define what love is... maybe start by separating it from physical sharing... explore the feeling of love that is not sexual, but rather ethereal... the love of children, or animals, or stars or flowers... the love of family... so much love is not sexual, just a fraction of it is... not to diminish the beauty and power of sexuality, but not to allow the sexuality to diminish the beauty and power of love either...
>Fuck it. I deserve this.
no you don't...
>I've waited far too long. I need this so bad. So just fuck the world.
>I want to do it, I'm miserable, everything's going wrong. I can't be loved.
>I don't know when to quit. I don't know what I was thinking.
yes you do... maybe you're afraid nobody cares... maybe you're ashamed cuz you gave yourself unconditionally yet again to someone who wasn't really going all the way with you... maybe you mad at yourself for falling for your own dream again... for giving into your desires... maybe you feel taken advantage of... but you know... it just hurts to think about the feelings...
>So just fuck it. I sleep around. I have no self respect. Everyone
>knows it. So if everyone knows already, there's no hope for me.
>Christ, I know it and I accept it. I'm so useless.
wrong... you have enough self-respect to come here and beat the crap out of yourself for doubting yourself and letting yourself down... you are being your own best friend here... just as you don't want your friends to mess up - you're trying to repimand yourself here... that takes a lot of deep self-respect and a whole lot of courage and integrity... and guts to do it for anyone to see...
in the middle of the storm, it is not easy to see it's beauty...
>I just wish there were some way to justify this.
if you mean cutting, there isn't... if you mean giving yourself unconditionally and not getting it back, there is... if you mean writing like this, there is... I hope you find it... I hope this helps...
> -K.
>
believe in yourself K... be true to your heart... and don't let this world break you or confuse you with it's fears... just be very careful out there...
newsbee
"It was just another night
and I was out on a limb
looking for someone
to help me back in.
A couple of hours
of cruising around
brought me into a bar
and I sat me down
nothing much to be found.
So I got in to talking to the old bar man
he said:
You got a problem I can understand
and I know a little lady who is all alone.
If you find her she will take you home.
She don't like to spend her nights alone...
They call her Easy.
They say it's not a way for a body to be.
They call her Easy.
She is giving out her love for free.
I found her on the street
like the bartender said.
She was not great looking
but not that bad.
Walked on up to her
and didn't say a word
but my eyes were talking
and I think she heard.
Yes, she heard me....
We walked down the road
to a rundown farm.
She lit a couple of candles
and she held out her arms.
Lord, she was gentle
as a windblown sigh
in the morning while dressing
I could hear her cry.
She was crying
and I went flying out of there.
They call her Easy.
They say it's not a way for a body to be.
They call her Easy.
She is giving out her love for free.
The next day found me
walking in town.
Saw the old bartender
and I flagged him down.
I thanked him for the girl
and told him that she pleased me
and laughed a little bit
about how she was easy.
But the old man stopped me
with the look in his eye.
He said,
You know I had hoped
you weren't that kind of guy.
oh dream of the kind of world
it could be...
if we were free with our love ...
like Easy...
It's a hard world
we must learn to be easy.
In a cold cold world
I must love the ones who please me
Easy...
They call her Easy.
They say it's not a way for a body to be.
They call her Easy.
She is giving out her love for free.
~ Harry Chapin ~
... a friend is a stranger waiting to be met ... a friend is a stranger wanting to be met ... a friend is a stranger willing to be met ...
