and then the relationship ends
>This is my new plan of action.
>
>I don't date. That's it, for now. I've been hurt enough by so many
>men. Each and every time it happens, it's completely out of the blue.
>I don't even see it coming.
you miss some signs... ask yourself why...
>This leads me to believe that for some unforeseen reason, I can't seem
>to make it work.
it sounds like your awareness of changing moods is the issue... when the fun stops, don't just ignore it... see it as a sign that he might not be the right one for you... not that it is *always* fun with the right person... but it doesn't suddenly become dull and feel like it's going nowhere... it you find yourself feeling like complaining about a boyfriend more than you're singing his praises, that's a big clue you need to pay attention to... maybe you just ignore some signs cuz you don't want to believe it might not be the right guy forever... fact is, any relationship can end at any time...
>I just keep getting more and more hurt. I will NOT
>subject myself to this anymore. P did it, A did it, and J did
>it. I have to do something, and I think that this is it.
please try to look at the what you did too... what you ignored... it's not that you're a bad person... it's not that you don't deserve to be loved... it's not that you're a screw up... it is something that can be corrected - a mistake you can learn to stop making... like maybe ignoring some signs cuz you want so much for something to be what you want it to be that you deny the fact that it is not?...
>The reason it stops with J is because he's the one person who told
>me the truth about why we broke up.
what was it?... cuz the other girl liked him?...
>To the best of my knowledge, that
>is. T said "you can have faith in someone without trusting them..."
>I agree with him. I have so much faith in J I can taste it. But
>we both have a lot to learn.
I agree with T... what he said in your other post (journal - *this is a biggie*) was very wise... think about it a lot and make it make sense to you more and more, deeper and deeper :)
>In the meantime, I'm not just throwing myself at the next person who
>comes along. I have to learn to deal with stuff on my own. I have to
>make friends. Not just share my boyfriend's ones.
this sounds like an excellent plan of action... depending too much on another person for social life and happiness is not healthy... your happiness is best found inside you... for who you are... and if you are not happy with who you are, ask yourself why, answer honestly, and change what you can change to make yourself happier with who you are...
I think it's a good idea for you to define yourself as you - K. - without a boyfriend - without any attachments... just you... and without defending any of the males for I know many need to become more responsible in relationships, consider what mistakes you may have made in your relationships... it sounds like you depend on someone else for your happiness too much and that gives that person way too much control over you... I hope you find your way to be happy with you by yourself...
what I see as K. is a beautiful and sensitive person willing to open up and share honestly... not afraid of what others may say... maybe it is cuz we're strangers, I think it's a very healthy attitude... now if you can just bring this security into your personal life and relationships... this feeling of "I'm ok even if they don't like what I have to say"... then maybe you'll find you're ready for a more secure person too...
>And who knows... maybe... just maybe... I'll try being a hardcore dyke
>for a bit.
if you feel like trying a relationship with a woman, I hope you do it cuz you're attracted to her and not just cuz you're turned off to men... and if this was mostly a joke, then my giggle when I read it was my first reaction :)
>Blah. Future stuff.
> ~K.
find yourself K... I sense a very beautiful person in you that you've yet to discover... learn to appreciate her... nurture her... make love to her... make her the most important person in your life... give her judgment the most power... make her self-sufficient and whole... and then you'll be ready to experience the full wonder and pleasure of sharing with someone else who is whole too...
until we know who we are, we can not be whole... until we are whole, we can not be free... until we are free, we can not give ourselves to someone else... until we can give ourselves to someone else, we can not truly share or have a healthy relationship... we can only be co-dependant with someone else who is like us, someone else uncertain and confused and libel to change or go away at any moment for no apparent reason without warning... not because they want to hurt us... but because they are still searching for themselves...
hope these thoughts help... they are just my thoughts, my opinions... right for me at this moment, but what is right for you is for you to decide... please take my words as suggestions, even if I write them with authority at times...
newsbee
"and all the changes, keep on changing,
and the good old days, they say they're gone...
and only wise men, and some new born fools,
say they know what's going on...
but I sometimes think the difference is just in how I think and see
and the only changes going on are going on in me"
~ Harry Chapin ~
... a friend is a stranger waiting to be met ... a friend is a stranger wanting to be met ... a friend is a stranger willing to be met ...
