broken
>K inspired (or instigated) the rambling below by posting the following message... may she be forgiven for doing it :)
>The tears are streaming down my face. This is the first time I've cried
>like this in months. Things just seemed to be going so well.. and now I
>just let it all fall. I don't even know why I'm crying. I don't
>understand. It just hurts so much. I guess it's just my time to snap.
>This is just like at MayDay. And it's with Jairus, too. I can't do
>this. I just can't. I can't handle being his friend. It just hurts so
>much... I can feel it in my stomach, in my heart. Why does he have to
>be so cold?
>
>I remember when C hurt me. I remember sitting on my floor and
>crying for 25 minutes straight while he just chewed me out for something
>without even hearing my side of it. He seemed so emotionless and
>heartless. There was nothing in his voice... it didn't even waver. It
>hurt so much. I thought he was my friend. I thought that he actually
>cared about me. And all he ended up doing was hurting me.
>
>That's what it feels like now. I'm starting to crack. It's starting to
>go. I can't do this alone. I can't do this at all. My whole world was
>a huge lie. I'm supposed to be manic. I'm supposed to hurt. This is
>the real me, shining through the medications. And the real me can't
>handle life at all.
>
>This is the kind of thing I didn't want K- to have to deal with.
>
>"I'm all out of faith,
>This is how I feel
>I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
>Illusion never changed into something real
>I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
>You're a little late
>I'm already torn."
>
>Natalie Imbruglia
>
>I can't keep doing this. Nobody can help me, none of the drugs in the
>world can help me. It's all just so screwed up. I wish I were dead.
>Then nobody would have to deal with that. I just wish it didn't hurt so
>much.
>
>I can't stop crying. And it's not graceful tears rolling down my face,
>either. It's balling my eyes out for no reason at all. Christ, what's
>wrong with me? I'm cold. Numb. No, I only wish I were numb. This is
>far worse.
>
>Oh God, C, what happened then? What happened to us? We were
>friends. You actually meant something to me. And then you hurt me so
>badly... what was I supposed to do, not feel it? You hurt me so much,
>C, God I wish you could be reading this right now. I wish you
>knew. I'll never forget being curled up in a ball... hurting so much
>because you didn't believe me... you didn't -believe- me, C. I was
>telling you the truth. Maybe it didn't have that much of an impact on
>your life, but it certainly did on mine. I'll never, ever forget that.
>It will always be there for me to remember. I just wish I knew what
>happened.
>
>As for J, I don't know what I'm feeling. I haven't thought about
>him since we broke up. I mean, I haven't thought about the time we
>spent together. I just got depressed for a while, then got over it.
>But now... MayDay... hugz... I don't know. I just hurt.
>
> -K.
>
>--
>"It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right. I hope you had
>the time of your life."
hugz... I care... and you care - that why you reach out... and you have hope - or you wouldn't reach out... and because you have hope, you can... don't believe in can't - it is just a wall fear teaches us to build... you can resolve your confusion... you can rise above your pain... you can reach deep into your heart and understand - it is just love - wanting to be loved and wanting to love - and being afraid it won't happen cuz it doesn't always work out... and wanting it so much that it hurts to want and hurts even more to lose it when it doesn't
work... when it's broken...
but as long as you reach out - you have hope and as long as you have hope - it can be fixed... you can fix it... and alone - you can fix it alone... you must, for only you have the keys to your heart... where the pain is... where the confusion is... only you know what happened in there... don't be afraid - let it out...
the first time I fell... I mean really fell...
head over heals - you know how it feels -
you know it so well...
I gave it my all... and I mean it all...
all of my belief - my passion, my grief -
the ultimate fall...
and it felt so perfect
and it felt so right
my reason for living
my guiding light
cool and free each day
safe and warm each night
like a part of me I was missing
arms holding - lips kissing
eyes seeing deeper than I can see into my soul
the power, the glory,
the passion, the promise
the holiest goal
to trust so much that the gift is giving all control
till we lose control
there is just one first time
no other can be
so perfect, so precious
so comfortably
in pristine innocence
bliss can be found
it's the only moment
we can heard the sound
of love that grows deeper than the womb
it becomes a temple, a tower, a teepee, a treasure, a tomb...
beyond all else this is the deepest truth
it is the magic exlixer - the fountain of youth
it is the breath of the lover - the infant - the muse
it is the secret - the answer - the story - the word - the news
it is the power - the glory - the deal - the stash - the clue
and it lasts forever - even if it doesn't seem to
it lasts forever - even if it lonely and blue
it lasts forever - even if it is only you
she was my angel... I worshipped her breath
with her I had no fear - not of life, not of death
she was my princess... I was her prince and her throne
the rug she walked on... like marrow to bone
every day I woke up just to be by her side
every night I fell asleep with her deep inside
everyone knew we shared something no one could touch
I never wanted, I never needed anything so much
and it felt so perfect...
and it still burns...
and it is yesterday...
as the world turns...
I thought I died - I wanted to
maybe I did - who has a clue
only in the silence
can we heard the sound
of love that grows deeper than the womb
it becomes a temple, a tower, a teepee, a treasure, a tomb...
beyond all else this is the deepest truth
it is the magic exlixer - the fountain of youth
it is the breath of the lover - the infant - the muse
it is the secret - the answer - the story - the word - the news
it is the power - the glory - the deal - the stash -
the dues the heart must lend
there will always be a part of me that must pretend
when I smile... something is missing - my soul must bend
to hope and believing in the gardens that I tend
gardens of love - of dreams that innocent promises send
and it last forever - even if it seems to end
it last forever - even if we are not friends...
the hopelessly hopeful romantic experience that so many dream of by reading stories about it and watching films about it and staring longingly at it... and so few ever dare risk it all to the chance to actually live the dream... what can be said of those who do... nobody survives... we just go on believing we did, if we did...
believing someone will understand
believing someone will take our hand and lead us back to the future...
through all the memories, resolved
through all the fantasies, renewed
through all the innocence, reborn
through all the fears, hope makes dreams come true
through all the pain, this is the clue
if we dare to believe
if we dare to love,
if we dare to trust
through all the scars - beauty shines through
there's always hope... I hope... so I do believe - in whatever might bring the magic back... the precious feeling that makes life worth living no matter how challenging it gets... I will not give up... this is my experience and what I've made of it...
for the moment... and this moment, inspired by your angst, I try to renew my hope... and my hope is it gives you some reason to renew yours... my angst is constant as the universe, deeper than the blackest hole, more intense than the core of the brightest star... fusion, confusion, infusion, diffusion, illusion, resolution...
it's about love... it's about truth...
it's about finding out what it's all about...
that passion that is youth...
that vision that is hoping...
that power that is coping...
it's facing all the shattered dreams,
broken promises, traded teams...
it's raging in the face of disillusionment
laughing madly at the folly of cruelty
gazing blankly at the wall
just before running headlong into it...
it's never giving up... never giving in...
it's holding on and holding out...
that's what it's all about...
holding on and holding out...
cursing fear and spiting doubt
holding on and holding out
for love...
the dream of belonging so perfectly in someone's arms
as if you were born there
and ready to die there
that womb tomb tingling mingling fire burning the hell out of hell itself
that fairy tale up on the shelf
songs that come to mind... Harry Chapin, I Miss America... There Was Only One Choice... What Made America Famous... Corey's Coming... Jackson Browne, Hold On, Hold Out... Till I Go Down... Lives In The Balance... Moody Blues, Maybe... Saved By The Music... Quixote's - Impossible Dream... and so many more...
there is peace to be found in believing... second star on the right and straight on through till morning...
it's morning... still haven't slept...
it's mourning... still haven't wept...
it's over... still haven't died...
it's over... still haven't cried...
wishing I knew all the answers
or at least the right ones for me
wishing I could make it all better
wishing for wishes I see
just not ready to lie
just not ready to fake it
just not ready to say goodbye
just not read to make it
just not ready to heal my heart
just not ready to break it
just not ready to make new love
just not ready to take it...
and I feel like I've been here so many times
and each time it feels like the first
cast adrift out on a burning ocean
drowning and dying of thirst
and what is lost does not matter, for all that matters can not be lost for all that matters is what you have allowed to become a part of you... and though some pretend to or fool themselves into believing they lost themselves, this is impossible...
so be not so foolishly lead by fear
let your heart speak and let your mind hear
the magic of wonderment will appear
the moment you drink your own tear
to understand why you cry
to understand why you die
to understand why you lie
to yourself and deny
what you see with your eye
pretending you can fly
without getting high
i will not die by my own hand
i will not die willingly
i will not give up who i am
i will remember me
you can do what you want
you can treat me like dirt
you can act like i dont exist
like I do not hurt
as you wear the shirt off my back
and block every path I might take
whatever you do to me
you can not make me break
if I don't want to
and I don't want to
so here's what is true
i will not die by my own hand
i will not die willingly
i will not give up who i am
i will remember me
and so it goes... all my life's a circle and the circle will not be broken because I choose to keep it intact... I choose to keep in touch with me... helping my memory by recording moments as I am inspired to... and remembering me...
this may continue... it does not feel finished... and yet, perhaps it is... I will decide when I decide and that will not be now... for now, I close and press send...
honest love, newsbee
when all the words of wisdom fail
when you feel like you're heart's in jail
when you're chasing your own tail
just send mail, just send mail...
when your dream moves like a snail
when your best won't sell on sale
when your train slips off it's rail
just send mail, just send mail
when there are holes in your pail
when you've lost your seventh viel
when it's limp (I mean your sail)
just send mail, just send mail
when life's hammer hits your nail
when the rain turns into hail
when you can not find your grail
just send mail, just send mail
PS... coming back from free association land for a moment of serious directed energy for you... please do your best to stay open and free, at least to yourself, so you can stay who you are even as you grow and develop and appear to change... we are, for all intensive purposes in this world, what we share... share yourself - all you can find within you - freely... this is your best defense against fear, confusion, or loss of self... as long as you remember it is your choice... and you are only not in control when you give control away and then it is still your choice...
we share trust to experiece the wonder of falling in love... we give the power of belief and dependancy over to someone else... that gives them the power to hurt, disappoint, or even destroy parts of us... but it is not within anyone's power to do that unless we choose to allow them to do it... release yourself from the pain... choose to remember you have the choice... the power... the control... the love...
it works for me...
honest love, newsbee
... a friend is a stranger waiting to be met ... a friend is a stranger wanting to be met ... a friend is a stranger willing to be met ...
