blood and tears
>It's funny. I had this whole thing written for you all to read, and I
>trashed it all.
next time send it... I look forward to your words and sometimes the words we want to trash are the words we need to send most of all... well, sometimes :)
>So... I will tell you all a little story.
>
>Around April I tried to kill myself. Nothing was wrong... J and I
>were in this really great relationship, things were really going well
>for me, but I still did it. To this day, I have no good reason for
>wanting to do it. I swallowed an econo sized bottle of Tylenol... you
>know, the ones that have 100 tablets in them? Well, that was me. I
>swallowed 100 tablets of Tylenol and some Gravol. J was on the
>phone with me and ICQ'd my friend O, who called 911 and got an
>ambulance to come to my house. I would have died if it hadn't been for
>that. I didn't want to die. At the same time I didn't want everyone's
>attention. I think it was more of a desperate cry for help to myself.
so help yourself... I believe you can... and though there are not responses every day here, I for one care and don't want to see you hurting and I believe others out there care too... or at least others would like to care... if we give them the chance... if they give themselves the chance... if we overcome the fear of rejection...
I think it's important to see silence (no response) as neutral, not as a rejection or anything negative - not as apathy or ambivalence... just as silence...
sometimes I see silence as a positive thing... I mean, it's better than a negative reaction most of the time... just some thoughts on sharing, and silence...
>K and I just broke up. And I've been thinking about it for some
>time. It hurt... I cried, as usual, but it wasn't so bad. We talked,
>and when I finish writing this I'm going to call him back and talk. But
>for some reason, even though it doesn't seem so bad, I really want to
>cut myself. I want it so bad I can taste it. I want to watch the blade
>cut into my flesh, I want to watch the blood ooze down my arm. I'm
>sorry for being so graphic, but that's what I want. I can almost taste
>the adrenaline in my mouth.
if seeing the word HUG can convey the unconditional supportive caring I wish it to mean for you, then I hope you accept the ethereal hug... sometimes words are so vague... whatever you do, I hope it's positive, but whatever you do, I care about you...
>The thing is, though, that as badly as I want to do it, I also want to
>not do it. The razor is sitting on the desk in front of me. I could
>pick it up and do it at any moment. It would take three seconds. I've
>already held the blade to my arm a few times, but I haven't been able to
>do it.
maybe you understand the pointlessness (and the danger) of a harming yourself in order to feel something... your words lead me to ponder the physical experience...
hoping my bluntness does not offend, I suggest you touch yourself and love yourself and allow yourself to feel your sensuality whenever you want to feel something physically... recognize pleasure as the best rush there is, even when it's your hands providing it... sometimes especially when it's your hands, for no one can know your sensations and how to stimulate your sensual experience better than you...
we all deserve self-love in every form... much of western civilization represses and even condemns the physical stimulations our bodies can experience... so lots of people find ways to rebel (like cutting or other self-abuses)... chemicals like alcohol are acceptable... drugs may be illegal, but are often more acceptible than self-stimulation... I think the culture has it wrong... I think auto-eroticism is the safest way to get high and feel alive... and I think fear and misinformation keeps people from realizing this... I think sharing the experience is healthy and beautiful...
emotions combine the purely physical feelings with our thoughts and beliefs and and unless we are clear and comfortable with in our belief system, the combination can become confusing and painful... so it is most important to resolve our own personal conflicts about sexuality and sensuality in the physical world before we can truly experience our bodies and share the experience positively...
so we can clearly distinguish the feeling of pleasure from the feeling of pain and choose which feeling we really want to experience...
>Maybe I'm getting better. I hope so. I don't want to do it for
>attention... I just don't know any different. I don't know how else to
>deal with this situation. I'm completely numb... even though K and I
>will be friends, and this isn't hurting me nearly as much as when j
>and I broke up *and I didn't cut myself then*, I still want to do it.
maybe you want to do it to feel... there are other ways to stimulate yourself... it is your choice, I can hope you choose a way that does not risk infection and worse physical complications... maybe some of my thoughts here will help you decide...
>That's my honesty for today.
> -K.
>
>--
>"As a matter of fact, I swallowed one of these about two hours ago.
>And the explanation is that it is, in fact... my hand."
and as it is so often, your honesty is beautiful... even when seems scary...
newsbee
"I never saw her do it, I only saw the scars...
I never could imagine what would make her go that far.
I wondered, was she driven by desperate need to feel,
to find out she was living, to discover life was real.
or was it that the pain slicing through her like a knife
was easier to take than the emptiness of life?...
had a strange sense of drama caught her in a role,
or was she trying to cauterize the chancres on her sole?
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know...
She was burning herself, and her hair was filled with ashes.
She was burning herself, and her life becomes a flame.
She was burning herself, and the flame became her passion.
She was burning herself, and her passion...
her passion was her pain.
~ Harry Chapin ~
... a friend is a stranger waiting to be met ... a friend is a stranger wanting to be met ... a friend is a stranger willing to be met ...
