6-28-036-28-03Hey you guys (said in my very best Electric Company voice)
I would like to first draw your attention to the fact that the US Supreme Court has decided that it’s legal for the federal government to require Internet filtering for libraries that receive federal funding or federal discounts on technology or technology utilities (that’s an awful lot of libraries folks). The case was argued by Bush’s buddy Olsen. This now means that even adults get told what they and cannot view via the Internet. Although the arguments focused on pornography, you should know that it’s difficult for software to know the difference between boobies.com and a breast cancer information site. It’s also an unfunded mandate. Quality filtering software and services are expensive, but there’s no additional money to pay for or enhance the services. I’m all for protecting children from porn and other harmful crap on the Net, but when it comes to dictating to libraries what information they can allow their patrons access to, I have to wonder what is next. Sorry to editorialize again, but a little more got taken from you this week. Maybe it’s something you won’t miss, but now you don’t even have the choice. It's cool if you disagree with me about this, but the important thing is that you are aware that it happened.
So anyway, Chris’ fraternity brother Carlton has been here since Monday the 16th, and I’ve been playing tour guide. The upside is that I have gotten to see some seriously cool stuff. While Carlton has been here, I’ve been to Odaiba, the Sumida River boat cruise, Asakusa Kannon (again), The National Museum of Western Art, the National Science Museum, Tokyo DisneySea (again), The Gyoen inner garden at the Meiji Shrine, the east garden at the Imperial Palace, Tokyo Tower, the Tokyo National Museum (again), Rinkai park super ferris wheel, a yakatori restaurant, an okonamiaki restaurant, and a Korean BBQ. I’ve got pictures of most of it and will sloooowly be getting that stuff up on the Web site.
This evening, to mark Carlton’s last night in Japan, Chris, Reggie, Carlton and I went to a place called Carne Station (described to us as a Korean BBQ). The place worked like this: you paid 2900 yen (roughly $24.50) per person. Each table has one or two grills built into it that were lit shortly before you were sat. As soon as you were officially sat at your table, a clock began counting down from 90 minutes and you were permitted to head off to this huge cooler display of raw, sliced and seasoned meats. Yep – all you could eat (and beer/wine/soda drink)…but only for 90 minutes. They also had a fantastic selection of fresh fruit – cherries, cantaloupe, pineapple, banana, grapefruit, oranges and peaches. That’s a big deal because fresh fruit is very, very expensive here (as in a really cheap melon is $6 and citrus can be a dollar a piece). There was a buffet with dumplings, soups, and rice. And to complete it all, there was a cake and ice cream bar. I am proud to say that we absolutely, positively got our money’s worth. Dad, I think we might have rivaled you and your fraternity brothers eating ribs back in the day. WE OINKED. We started with sliced beef and chicken, but made our way to the pork and veggies. We grilled mushrooms, peppers, eggplant and whole cloves of garlic. We downed plates of fruit. We drank up their beer. I got what I thought was a daiquiri but turned out to be just a yummy raspberry Icee. And all of this going on with just four white people and their chopsticks. In fact, that was the toughest part about it all…the fact that we have these retarded pairs of WOOD chopsticks to put our meat on the grill, turn it, keep the meat from catching fire, and eat. The first problem with that is the absolute lack of food safety standards. I mean we put raw chicken on the grill with the chopsticks, used them to snarf a mushroom or two, gobble up some beef, then flip the chicken. I was hung up on it for about three seconds, but when you’ve only got 90 minutes to eat your $24.50’s worth, you don’t want to quibble about something as silly as salmonella. The other problem was that every two seconds, there was a burst of hilarious but exceptionally foul profanity as someone burnt the living crap out of their hand while trying to rescue their dinner from charring with chopsticks. As we began to slow, we hit the desserts. Reggie made himself a melon soda float and two pieces of cake. Carlton *tried* to do the same but couldn’t read the labels on the ice cream containers and wound up dumping lemon sherbet into his soda. Carlton also ate four pieces of cake, and I had two. Chris hit the ice cream but wound up combining melon ice cream with rum raisin ice cream and passed on the whole affair. And then we checked the clock…17 minutes left. I was done. I was already at food-baby stage. Another bite might have caused disaster. But the boys looked at each other. Then looked at the clock. Then they looked at each other. Then someone said "well the best way to wash down cake is with MORE MEAT," and they all went back to load up on more beef, pork and chicken. We waddled out with 14 seconds left on the clock, and Reggie and Chris sped to the bathroom praying for a proper toilet.
Proper
toilet you ask? At this point, I shall stop to say more than a few words about
toilets in Japan. I’ve been waiting to share these harsh truths with you
folks, but now you must know. There are two main kinds: a western toilet that
most of you would be familiar with and the Japanese toilet known
not-so-affectionately as the "squatty potty." The squatty potty is a
trough of water in the floor, as you can see in the picture to the right. You
must pull your pants all the way down to your ankles. Then you squat over the
trough using your Olympic weight-lifter thigh muscles. You will balance there
until your business is complete, and for your next trick, you’ll balance some
more while you manage with the TP. (For a short yet hilarious visual
demonstration of how to use this device, visit www.asahi-net.or.jp/~AD8Y-HYS/movie.htm)
If your legs are not completely asleep by the time you are done, you rise and
attempt to get everything back where it belongs. The squatty potty is NOT your
friend. It is evil and cruel. When your are doing the pee-pee dancing and are
begging the Baby Jesus to help you hold it just a little longer, the squatty
potty will be the only available option. When you are being affected by an
intoxicant, the squatty potty will somehow make all of the western toilets out
of order or occupied. But the squatty potty is a reality of living in Japan, and
sooner or later, everyone is faced with the agonizing decision of hold it or
squat.
But even Western toilets are not entirely safe. There is a super toilet that is also fraught with danger. These maraud as regular toilets, but they are not. First off, the seats themselves are heated. The first time I sat on one, I jumped right up because I thought the person who’d used it before me had been on it so long that their body heat has caused it to become that warm and I got grossed out. Then I realized that the damn thing actually had a control panel. Please, please be careful with the buttons. There’s a button that turns the toilet into a bedet. There’s a button that adjusts the water pressure on the bedet. There’s a button that I assume causes a jet of water to clean female bits. But by far my favorite button is the one that causes the toilet to make a fake flushing noise to cover up the sound of anything you may be doing in the stall. I’ve heard that some models even have little exhaust fans in the bowl to prevent the need for courtesy flushing. Nothing…NOTHING is simple in Japan.
To complete the picture of Japanese bathrooms, I should tell you that NONE of them have paper towels. In fact, many don’t even have hand dryers. To deal with this, most Japanese and many resident foreigners who know better carry small hand towels with them. I love this. I like having my own little towel with me that allows me to not have to touch anything or deal with a hand dryer. These little hand towels are sold everywhere in a zillion different designs. Right now I have a Mickey Mouse one and a Miffy the bunny one. It’s a great idea, and I’m keeping all of my little Japanese hand towels to carry with me when I get back to the states.
Anyway, I’m now suffering the expected consequences of all-you-can-eat-in-90-minutes and am ready to brush my teeth and get to bed. Take care you guys!
-MaryGail