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Today is Monday August 13
the 225th day of 2007. There
are 140 to go. The Sun is
at 21
Leo The moon is waxing.
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Turned 65 yesterday and
haven't disintegrated or drooled yet.
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For
Howard
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New Employee Orientation
Five cannibals get appointed as
engineers in a high-tech company. During the welcoming ceremony, the
boss says, "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money
here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat.
So don't trouble any of the other employees."
So don't trouble any of the other employees."
The cannibals promised not to trouble
the other employees.
Four weeks later, the boss returns and
says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of
you; however, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know
what happened to him?"
The cannibals disavow all knowledge of
the missing janitor.
After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, "Which of you idiots ate the janitor?"
After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, "Which of you idiots ate the janitor?"
A hand raises hesitantly, to which the
leader of the cannibals says, "You fool! For four weeks we've been
eating Team Leaders and Project Managers so no one would notice
anything, and you have to go and eat the janitor!"
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If Dogs Sent Letters To God...
Dear God, Why do humans smell the
flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear God, When we get to heaven, can
we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?
Dear God, Why are there cars named
after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and
the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar
riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename
the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?
Dear God, If a dog barks his head
off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God, We dogs can understand
human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers,
beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight
paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God, More meatballs, less
spaghetti, please.
Dear God, When we get to the Pearly
Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?
Dear God, Are there mailmen in
Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God, Let me give you a list of
just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog:
I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it
or after they throw it up;
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs,
etc., just because I like the way they smell;
I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty
litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar;
The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom
and Dad's laps;
The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff;
My head does not belong in the refrigerator;
I will not bite the officer's hand when he
reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration;
I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear
when he's on the toilet;
Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an
acceptable way of saying 'hello';
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when
I'm lying under the coffee table;
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before
entering the house;
I will not throw up in the car;
I will not come in from outside and immediately
drag my butt across the carpet;
I will not sit in the middle of the living room
and lick my crotch when company is over;
The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play
with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
Dear God, May I have my testicles back?
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No diet will remove all the fat from your
body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain you might
look good, but all you could do is
run for public office.
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Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."
Immediately the husband drove downtown
to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word
or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side
of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting
up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to
realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I
had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast,
I got a speeding ticket.
Later, when I was about three blocks
from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store
there were a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store
opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn
phone was ringing off the hook."
He took a deep breath and continued,
"Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer
to make change, and they spilled all over the floor! I got down on my
hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone was still ringing -
when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me
stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on
it...half of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone
is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it.
It was your wife - she wanted to know
how to use a rectal thermometer.......and believe me, Mister, I TOLD
HER!"
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HEADLINES
Chef
Throws His Heart Into Helping Feed Needy.
Tiger
Woods Plays With Own Balls, Nike Says.
Astronaut
Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft.
District
Attorney Declines To Try Shooting Suspect.
Man
Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge.
Clinton’s
Firmness Got Results.
U.S.,
Allies Demand N. Korea Drop Nukes.
Deer
and Turkey Hunt For Disabled People.
Circumcisions
Cause Crybabies.
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The
Present...
It
was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was
receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift.
She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is.
Flowers."
"That's
right!" the boy said, "But, how did you know?"
"Oh,
just a wild guess," she said.
The
next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her
gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box
of sweets."
"That's
right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.
"Oh,
just a wild guess," said the teacher.
The
next gift was from the son of the liquor storeowner. The teacher held
he package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off the
leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she
asked.
"No,"
the boy replied, with some excitement.
The
teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. "Is
it champagne?" she asked.
"No,"
the boy replied, with more excitement.
The
teacher took one more big taste before declaring, "I give up, what is
it?"
With
great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy! SURPRISE!"
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Home
remedies
1. If
you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of
boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost
instantly removed.
2.
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3.
Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet seat by simply
peeing in the sink.
4.
High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a
while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
5. A
mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.
6. If
you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be
afraid to cough.
7.
Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will
forget about the tooth ache.
Sometimes
we Just Need to Remember What The Rules of Life Really Are...
A.
You need only two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and it
should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.
B.
The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I
apologize" and "You are right."
C.
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
D.
Never pass up an opportunity to potty.
E.
If You Woke up Breathing, Congratulations! You have another chance!
F.
And Finally... Be Really Good To Your Family and Friends. You never
know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
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OK, move along, that's all there is, move along please ....
OK, move along, that's all there is, move along please ....
Housekeeping:
While I write some of what appears in my newsletters, mostly it is stuff that's merely passed on, often without attribution. If at all possible, attribution is given, and any copyright notice, if copyrighted material is used at all, is ALWAYS included. Written permission(s) (email-I can't handwrite) are sought where practicable. If you see anything at all that shouldn't be there, should be differently attributed, or is objectionable in any way, please let me know by simply writing to me . In no event is any income derived, and so the following notice is included:
*COPYRIGHT NOTICE** In accordance with Title 17 U. S. C. Section 107, any copyrighted work in this message is distributed under fair use without profit or payment..
[Ref. Fair Use ]
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Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
- DogByte
Home is where the grab bars are.