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A Dave Barry from the Miamii Herald
Confuse the Midwesterners: Be on your best behavior
BY DAVE BARRY
It's here, South Florida -- Super Bowl Roman Numeral 41, the biggest sporting event in the world, unless you include other parts of the world. Tens of thousands of visitors are coming to South Florida for the big game, and we hope they all enjoy -- to quote our new tourism slogan -- ``Hospitality, But Without The Hospital.''
But to make that dream a reality, we, the citizens of South Florida, must be on our best behavior.
Q. What do you mean, ``on our best behavior?''
A. I mean that, no matter how festive we are feeling, we should not shoot our guns into the air.
Q. What if Fidel dies?
A. That is different.
It's very important that our visitors feel welcome, because they're bringing tremendous economic benefits to our community in the form of money. According to the South Florida host committee's official website, the economic impact of the Super Bowl here will be ''more than $350 million.'' What does that mean, in layperson's terms? It means the host committee has been smoking crack.
No, seriously, it means that we, as a community, are about to receive a ''financial shot in the arm'' totaling more than $350 million, which will be spent as follows:
• The maitre d' at Joe's Stone Crab: $182 million;
• Lavish parties you cannot get into: $123 million;
• Strippers: $42 million;
• Prince: $3 million;
• Slightly increased attendance at Monkey Jungle caused by Super Bowl visitors who have mistaken it for a nightclub: $93.
So, OK, perhaps you, personally, will not benefit financially from the Super Bowl. But this is not just about money. This is about our image, as a community. Too many people still think of Miami as the crazy, violent place that was depicted in the old TV crime show Miami Vice. But Miami has come a long way since then, as reflected in the newer TV crime show CSI: Miami, not to mention the movie version of Miami Vice.
That's why this week we all need to be ''goodwill ambassadors'' for South Florida. Let's welcome our Super Bowl visitors with open arms. Let's kiss them on the lips while inserting a little goodwill tongue. Above all, let's keep them out of trouble. Remember that many of this year's Super Bowl visitors are coming from the Midwest, which is often called ''the nation's heartland,'' because it is covered with sleet. Midwesterners tend to be friendly, polite, honest and trusting, so down here they are dead meat. We need to keep an eye on them. If you see a visitor who looks confused, don't hesitate to offer help:
YOU: Hello! I see you are from the Midwest.
VISITORS: Why, yes we are! How could you tell?
YOU: By your non-taut, yogurt-colored bodies. Do you need directions?
VISITORS: Yes, thanks! We want to go to the beach.
YOU: Like that?
VISITORS: Yes.
YOU: We have no beach.
See? By going a just little out of your way to help, you have averted what could have been an unfortunate situation. If we all do our part, we can make this Super Bowl a wonderful experience for our visitors, one that will rank up there with some of the unforgettable Super Bowls of the past, such as XXLVII, XCCXIX, XXVLXXI, VMCLKX, and of course MMLVIXMXI.
Here at The Miami Herald we will be doing our part by publishing, every day, a minimum of 275 Super-Bowl-related articles (``Septic-Tank Pumpers Expecting Super Busy Weekend''). This is a big effort for us, so if you see an actual news event -- say, a mushroom cloud rising over the Port of Miami -- please do not call us, unless you have reason to believe it is a Super-Bowl-related mushroom cloud. Thank you.
The CAJUN FAMILY TREE OF BEAU GEAUX
His dizzy aunt------------------------------Vertie Geaux
The brother who loved prunes----------------Gotta Geaux
The brother with constipation problems----------Neaux Geaux
The cousin who worked at a convenience store-Shop N. Geaux
The grandfather from Yugoslavia-----------------U Geaux
The niece from Illinois--------------------- She Car Geaux
His magician uncle----------------------Where Diddy Geaux
His Mexican Cousin----------------------------Ah Me Geaux
The Mexican cousin's American brother---------Gring Geaux
The nephew who drove an armored car-----Wells Far Geaux
The uncle serving time in Angola------------- Lemme Geaux
The ballroom dancer--------------------------Tang Geaux
The bird-lover---------------------------Flo Ming Geaux
Her over confident nephew-----------------------E. Geaux
The fruit-loving cousin-----------------------Mang Geaux
The optimistic aunt-------------------------Way to Geaux
The bouncy little nephew------------------------Po Geaux
The niece with the oversized van---------- Winnie Bay Geaux
The Italian grandmother----------------------- Day Geaux
(And there you Geaux)
I've taken the liberty of putting your name into the
drawing for a Seven day Six night Cruise on the
fabulous new Gypsy Queen Cruise Line ship the
'Dixie Belle'.
All airfares, transfers, food and drinks included
with dinner at the captain's table as his personal
guest. Good luck, I hope you win!
The Flagship '
Your first night's meal promises to be scrumptious, featuring fillet
of Catfish, Hush Puppies and Collards, with all you can eat Boiled
Louisianna Rusty Crawfish! Boy, I wish I was goin' with ya'll. If'n
ya'll win, make sure to send pictures, especially of the Famous,
'Ole' Muddy Midnight Skinny Dip, with your hostesses Eulla Bell
and Krissie.
Since ya'll may have the presidential suite, yu'in's will have
a balcony view and the finest facilities.
Nothing... is too good for my family and friends...!
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If you
always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always
got!
Home is where the grab bars are.