10/26

My Home Pages Joke Main For a subscription
For January 27 & 28, 2007
------------------------------------------------------------
If you want to subscribe or unsubscribe etc. easily, just see the "housekeeping" section at the bottom of this message before the sig.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is the "ULTIMATE" in human powered flight. It is powered by 4 Turbine jet engines used in R/C aircraft. All I can say is WOW !

flight
----------------------------------------------------------
The best illustration of the value of brief speech reckoned in dollars was given by Mark Twain.

His story was that when he had listened for five minutes to the preacher telling of the heathen, he wept, and was going to contribute fifty dollars... after ten minutes more of the sermon, he reduced the amount of his prospective con- tribution to twenty-five dollars... after half an hour more of eloquence, he cut the sum to five dollars.

At the end of an hour or oratory when the plate was passed, he stole two dollars.
---------------------------------------------------
So there was yer man driving down a Dublin street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.   Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me.   If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and even give up me Guinness and Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, Lord - I found one."
-------------------------------------------------
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, that I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this.   You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes.   Sure, I thought you were getting a group up to go right now."
-------------------------------------------------------
The Macintosh computer was introduced to the world at large in a 1984 Superbowl commercial that built on the mystique of George Orwell's novel, "1984". This commercial has been called "the most spectacular TV spot of all time." The computer went on sale three days later (January 25th). It sold for $2,495.

TOP 12 THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR FROM TECH SUPPORT

12. "Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?''
11. "That's right, not even McGyver could fix it.''
10. "Sooo -- what are you wearing?''
9. "Duuuuuude! Bummer!''
8. "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilithium crystals, Cap'n.''
7. "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with '60 Minutes.' Press 3 if you're with the FTC.''
6. "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape and a car battery.''
5. "I'm sorry, Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that.''
4. "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect.''
3. "Hold on a second ... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!''
2. "OK, turn to Page 523 in your copy of 'Dianetics.' ''
1. "Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney.''
---------------------------------------
Lot's Wife
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Johnny interrupted. "My Mommy looked back once while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"
-----------------------------------------
After the service a woman went to the preacher, "Pastor, I hope you don't take it personal that my husband walked out during your sermon."

"Oh, I'm so glad you told me that, because it upset me terribly," said the preacher. "What caused him to leave, if I may ask?"

"Oh he's been sleepwalking since he was a little kid."
------------------------------------------
MORE HEADLINES IN THE YEAR 2050

Plague of Spotted Owls Threaten Crops, Livestock

Texas Executes Last Remaining Citizen

Mother Monica Dies: Revered Hero of Bangkok Slums Overcame Lurid Past With US President

Wealthy Widow Anna Nicole Smith, 83, Weds Handsome Young Actor. "This Is True Love," He Beams.

President "Bonecrusher" Jones to Face Chief Justice "Mad Dog" Ortega In Cage Match

Baltimore Rams Defeat St. Louis Ravens

Pope Phil II Settles Custody Battle With Ex-Wife

Upcoming NFL Draft Likely to Focus On Mutants

D.C. Zoo to Receive Rare Cow

Authentic Year 2000 Chad Sells For $6.9 Million at Sotheby's

Nursing Home Lawsuit Case: Clinton Denies Candy Striper's Allegations

Court Clears AOLTimeWarnerGE-DisneyCiscoFordRJR-NabiscoExxon-Mobil of Monopoly Charges

50-Year Study: Diet and Exercise Key to Weight Loss

Baby Conceived Naturally

It Wasn't the Cigarettes - It Was the Ashtrays
----------------------------------------------------
A woman from Vancouver Island, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land, so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.

She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and than told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency,the Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.
-----------------------------------------------
Charge of the Goddess Caffeina

Listen to the words of the Great Mother, She who of old was called among men Savarin, Nescafe, Folgers Crystals and so many other names...

Whenever ye have need of wakefulness, at least once in the day, and better it be when the sun is rising, then ye shall assemble in your kitchens and adore the essence of Me who am Queen of all Beverages. There ye shall assemble, ye who are fain to gain awakening, yet have not won open eyes, to these I will teach things that are yet unknown. And ye shall be free from coherence; and as a sign that ye be truly free, ye shall be yawning in your rites; and ye shall read the morning paper, make bacon and eggs, and drive to work, all in My praise. For Mine is the ecstacy of the awakened, and Mine also is joy on earth; for My law is sleeplessness unto all beings.

Keep clean thy mug; let naught float upon its surface and so turn your stomach. For Mine is the secret door which opens upon the land of coherence, and Mine is the cup of the Elixir of Life, and the Cauldron of Caffeine, which is the Holy Grail of Insomnia. I am the Gracious Goddess, who gives the gift of wakefulness unto the mind of man. Upon awakening, I give the knowledge of the caffeine high eternal, and beyond morning, I give peace, and warmth, and tolerance of those with whom ye must interact. Nor do I demand aught of Saccharin; for Behold! I am the Mother of all Stimulants, and My love is poured out into your mug.

Open your hymn books, please....

Coffee, Coffee, Coffee,
Praise the strength of coffee,
Early in the morn we rise with thoughts of only thee; Served fresh or reheated, Dark by thee defeated,
Brewed black by perk or drip or instantly.

Hail Caffeina - the Goddess in Her Liquid Aspect!
-------------------------------------------------------
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila.

Tequila is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions.
Tequila can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Tequila almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, (well shyness
anyway) and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila.

Tequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

Tequila. Leave Shyness Behind.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
OK, move along, that's all there is, move along please ....
-----------------------------------------------
Housekeeping:

While I write some of what appears in my newsletters, mostly it is stuff that's merely passed on, often without attribution. If at all possible, attribution is given, and any copyright notice, if copyrighted material is used at all, is ALWAYS included. Written permission(s) (email-I can't handwrite) are sought where practicable. If you see anything at all that shouldn't be there, should be differently attributed, or is objectionable in any way, please let me know by simply writing to me . In no event is any income derived, and so the following notice is included:

*COPYRIGHT NOTICE** In accordance with Title 17 U. S. C. Section 107, any copyrighted work in this message is distributed under fair use without profit or payment..
[Ref. Fair Use ]

Group addresses:

Subscribe
Unsubscribe
List Owner
-------------------------------------------------------

If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got!

Home is where the grab bars are.