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Today is Wednesay, January 25, the 24th day of 2007. There are 341 to
go. The Sun is at 4 Aquarius. The moon is waxing.
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...
Your standard of living improves when you go camping.
Your prenuptial agreement mentions chickens.
You have jacked up your home to look for a dog.
Your neighbor has ever asked to borrow a quart of beer.
There is a belch on your answering machine greeting.
You have rebuilt a carburetor while sitting on the commode.
None of the tires on your van are the same size.
You hold the hood of your car with your head while you work on it.
Your town put the new garbage truck in the Christmas parade.
Your local beauty salon also fixes cars.
Your doghouse and your living room have the same shag carpet.
You've ever slow danced in the Waffle House.
Starting your car involves popping the hood.
Your garbage man is confused about what goes and what stays.
You whistle at women in church.
You actually wear shoes your dog brought home.
You've been in a fistfight at a yard sale.
You carry a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach
the kids in the backseat.
You think people who have cell phones and e-mail are uppity.
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About airplanes, from Ernie
What's the difference between a duck and a copilot? The duck can fly.
A check ride ought to be like a skirt -- Short enough to be
interesting, but long enough to cover everything.
Speed is life. Altitude is life insurance.
It only takes two things to fly: airspeed, and money.
The three most dangerous things in aviation:
1. A doctor or dentist in a Cessna
2. Two captains in a DC-9.
3. A flight attendant with a chipped tooth.
Aircraft Identification:
If it's ugly, it's British.
If it's weird, it's French.
If it's ugly and weird, it's Russian.
Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another very expensive
flying club (given the combat radius of the predominance of their
airframes, that's still the case).
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm and a
good bowel movement. A night carrier landing is one of the few
opportunities to experience all three at the same time.
The similarity between Air Traffic Controllers and pilots: If a pilot
screws up, the pilot dies. If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.
It's better to break ground and head into the wind than to break wind
and head into the ground.
The difference between flight attendants and jet engines is that the
engines usually quit whining when they get to the gate.
New FAA motto: "We're not happy, till you're not happy."
A copilot is a knot head until he spots opposite direction traffic at
12 o'clock, after which he's a goof-off for not seeing it sooner.
If something hasn't broken on your helicopter--it's about to.
Basic Flying Rules:
1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
2. Do not go near the edges of the air.
3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground,
buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult
to fly in the edges.
Unknown landing signal officer to carrier pilot after his 6th
unsuccessful landing attempt: "You've got to land here son. THIS is
where the food is."
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BY LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF A PERSON, YOU HAVE TO DECIDE iF HE IS A
COMPUTER GEEK OR A SERIAL KILLER. GO WITH YOUR GUT FEELING AND CLICK ON
YOUR CHOICE. THERE ARE 10 PHOTOS. YOUR SCORE WILL BE GIVEN AT THE END.
http://www.malevole.com/mv/misc/killerquiz
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Today's groaners
A pair of Ichthyologists took a sea mammal out of the ocean. It had
legs and our scientists were enchanted with the idea that they had
found the missing link. Upon further examination they determined it was
just an anomaly and decided to throw it back.
"Before we do," suggested Dr. A, "we should remove these
mutations."
"No", suggested Dr. B, "that would be defeating the porpoise!."
---
When the inventor of the first bracing elastic girdle for polio
survivors with very weak abdomen muscles was asked if it works, he
replied ~~~~~~> "OF CORSET DOES!"
(A stretch from the original in a 2006 Reader's
Digest)
---
A little girl was getting off a plane after a long flight, but her leg
had gone to sleep. Her mother noticed her limping and asked her what
was wrong with her leg. She answered, "I have jet leg."
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Today's Birthdays
On this day:
Pro Football Hall of Famer Lou Creekmur is 80. (Born 1927)
Emmy Award-winning actress Piper Laurie is 75. (Born 1932) She won the
Emmy for the TV special "Promise." Her other credits include the TV
miniseries "The Thorn Birds," the TV series "Twin Peaks," and the
movies "Eulogy," "Children of a Lesser God," and "Carrie."
The Galloping Gourmet Graham Kerr is 73. (Born 1934)
Actor John Hurt is 67. (Born 1940) His credits include the movies "The
Skeleton Key," "Hellboy," "Dogville," "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's
Stone," "Captain Corelli's Mandolin," "Alien," "Contact," "The Elephant
Man," and "Midnight Express."
Music manager Malcolm McLaren is 61. (Born 1946) He managed British
punk bands the Sex Pistols, Adam & the Ants, and Bow Wow Wow.
Former Journey lead singer Steve Perry is 58. (Born 1949)
Alabama bassist-singer Teddy Gentry is 55. (Born 1952)
Film maker Jim Jarmusch is 54. (Born 1953) His credits include the
movies "Coffee & Cigarettes," "Night On Earth," and "Mystery Train."
Neil Bush is 52. (Born 1955) He's the brother of President George W.
Bush.
Actor John Wesley Shipp is 51. (Born 1956) His credits include the
movie TV series "Palmetto Pointe," "Dawson's Creek," and "Sisters."
Hockey Hall of Famer Mike Bossy is 50. (Born 1957)
Actress Linda Blair is 48. (Born 1959) She starred in several films
including "The Exorcist" and "Airport 75."
Actress Diane Lane is 42. (Born 1965) Her credits include the movies
"Hollywoodland," "Must Love Dogs," "Under the Tuscan Sun,"
"Unfaithful," "The Perfect Storm," and "My Dog Skip," and the TV
miniseries "Lonesome Dove."
Rapper DJ Jazzy Jeff is 42. (Born 1965) He is best known for his work
with Will Smith as the duo DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince.
Former Guns N' Roses drummer Steve Adler is 42. (Born 1965)
Actress Olivia D'Abo is 40. (Born 1967) Her credits include the movies
"Wayne's World 2" and "Conan The Destroyer" and the TV series "The
Wonder Years."
Actor Christopher Masterson is 27. (Born 1980) His credits include the
movies "Scary Movie 2" and "My Best Friend's Wedding" and the TV series
"Malcolm in the Middle."
Actress Beverley Mitchell is 26. (Born 1981) Her credits include the
movies "Saw 2," "Mean People Suck" and "The Crow: City of Angels," and
the TV series "7th Heaven."
Pop singer Willa Ford is 26. (Born 1981)
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A Fred-On-Everything
Fred: A True Son of Tzu
Guderian Was the Mother
January 23, 2007
Being a military thinker of the profoundest sort, I offer the following
manual of martial affairs for nations yearning to copy the American way
of war. Read it carefully. Great clarity will result. The steps limned
below will facilitate disaster without imposing the burden of
reinventing it. The Pentagon may print copies for distribution.
(1) Underestimate the enemy. Fortunately this is easy when a
technologically advanced power prepares to attack an underdeveloped
nation. Its enemy's citizens will readily be seen as gadgetless,
primitive, probably genetically stupid, and hardly worth the attention
of a real military.
(2) Avoid learning anything about the enemy—his culture, religion,
language, history, or response to past invasions. These things don’t
matter since the enemy is gadgetless, primitive, and probably
genetically stupid. Anyway, knowledge would only make the enlisted
ranks restive, and confuse the officer corps.
Blank ignorance of the language is especially desirable (as well as
virtually guaranteed). For one thing, it will allow your troops to be
seen as brutal invaders having nothing in common with the population;
this helps in winning hearts and minds. For another, it will allow
English-speaking officials of the puppet government to vet such
information about the country as they permit you to have.
(3) Explain the invasion to the American public in simple moral terms
suitable for middle-school children at an evangelical summer camp: We
are bombing cities to bring the gift of democracy and American values,
or to defeat some vague but frightening evil, perhaps lurking under the
bed, or to get rid of a bad dictator no longer of service to us, or to
bring freedom and prosperity to any survivors. (This doesn’t work in
Europe, which is honestly imperialistic.) The public can then feel a
sense of unappreciated virtue when the primitives resist. Sententious
moralism should always trump reason.
(4) A misunderstanding of military reality helps. Besides,
comprehension would only lead to depression. As Napoleon said, or may
have, in war the moral is to the material as three is to one, which
implies that unpleasant facts should be played down in favor of
cultivating a cheerful attitude. Most especially, it should not be
noted that a few tens of thousands of determined, probably
genetically-stupid primitives with small arms can tie down a cheerful
force however gaudily armed.
Pay no attention to tactics, which are boring. It should never enter
your mind that in this sort of war, if you don’t win, you lose; if the
enemy doesn’t lose, he wins. Think about something else. Above all, do
not understand that the enemy’s target is not you, but public opinion
at home. You don't need to remember this, as the enemy will remember it
for you.
(5) Do not forget that a military’s reason for existence is to close
with the enemy and destroy him. An army is not in the social-services
business. Do not let the mission be impeded by touchy-feely
considerations. If you have to kill seventeen children to get a sniper,
so be it. The enemy must realize that you mean business. Ignore
cultural traits, which are of concern only to idealistic civilians.
Grope the enemy’s women. High-profile rapes are a good idea as they
teach respect. It is better to be feared than loved. Be sure the
embassy has a helipad.
(6) Intellectual insularity should be a primary goal, as it avoids
distraction. This salubrious condition can be achieved by having
officers read Tom Clancy instead of history. In military discourse it
also helps to encourage the use of phrases like “force multiplier” and
“multi-dimensional warfare,” as these increase confidence without
meaning anything.
Remember that doctrine and optimism should always outweigh history and
common sense. Discourage colonels and above from reading about similar
campaigns fought by other amies, as this might lead to nagging doubts,
conceivably even to thought. Encourage the belief that other countries
have lost wars by being inferior to the United States. “The French lost
in Viet Nam? What else would you expect from the French? Never happen
to us.”
Some military philosophers favor actually removing from military
libraries books on what happened to the French in Viet Nam, the
Americans in Viet Nam, the Russians in Afghanistan, the Americans in
Afghanistan (a work in progress), the French in Algeria, the Americans
in Iraq (also in progress), the Israelis in Lebanon the first time, the
Israelis in Lebanon the last time, the Americans in Lebanon 1983, the
Americans in Somalia the first time, and so on. However, the best
thinkers hold that it doesn’t matter what books are in military
libraries, as only those on stirring victories will be checked out.
(7) Keep up to date with the latest nostrums and silver bullets.
Organize your military as a lean, mean, high-tech force characterized
by lightning mobility, enormous firepower, and extraordinary
unsuitability for the kind of wars it will actually have to fight.
Flacks from the PR department of Lockheed will help in this. Recognize
that an advanced fighter plane costing two hundred million dollars,
invisible to radar, employing dazzling electronic countermeasures, and
able to cruise at supersonic speed, is exactly the thing for fighting a
rifleman in a basement in Baghdad. Such aircraft are crucial force
multipliers in multi-dimensional warfare. Anyway, Al Quaeda might field
an advanced air force at any moment. It pays to be ready.
(8) It is a good idea to bracket your exposure. Be ready for wars past
and future, but not present. The Pentagon does this well. Note that the
current military, an advanced version of the WWII force, is ready
should the Imperial Japanese Navy return. It also has phenomenally
advanced weaponry in the pipeline to take on a space-age enemy, perhaps
from Mars, should one appear. It is only the present for which the US
is not prepared. .
(9) View things in a large context. People who have little
comprehension of the military tend to focus exclusively on winning
wars, missing the greater importance of the Pentagon as an economic
flywheel. Jobs are more important than wars fought in bush-world
countries. An American military ought to think of Americans first. This
is simple patriotism. It is essential to spend as much money as
possible on advanced weapons that have no current use, and none in
sight, but produce jobs in congressional districts. Good examples are
the F-22 fighter, the F-35, the Airborne Laser, the V-22, and the ABM.
(10) Insist that the US military never loses wars. Instead, it is
betrayed, stabbed in the back, and brought low by treason. For example,
argue furiously that the US didn’t lose in Viet Nam, but won
gloriously; the withdrawal was due to the treachery of Democrats, Jews,
hippies, the press, most of the military, and a majority of the general
population, all of whom were traitors. This avoids the unpleasantness
of learning anything from defeat. Further, it facilitates a focus on
controlling the press, who are the real enemy, along with the Democrats
and the general population.
(11) Avoid institutional memory. Not having lost of course means that
there is nothing to remember. Instead, read stirring novels and
cultivate a cheerful, can-do attitude unintimidated by primitives in
sand-lot countries, who are probably genetically stupid.
(12) Do it all again next time.
©Fred Reed
www.FredOnEverything.net
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OK, move along, that's all there is, move along please ....
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