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Today is Wednesday October 31
the 314th day of 2007. There are 61 to go. The Sun is at 7-8 Scorpio
The moon is waning.
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Today/tonight
is Halloween, so
For
those who don't know, before Christians tried to take over and rename
the evening, (Celts, like many other cultures, used sundown as the
start of the day) had a perfectly good Wiccan/Druid holiday called
"Samhain"(say like "Sowhen") and was New Years. Then the Day of Nov. 1
was named "All Saints Day" by the religious new guys, so the evening
before was called - in English - "All Hallows Evening", which became
"Halllows Eve" and then"Hallow E'en" and then "Halloween".
Before
New World Pumpkins, they carved large Turnips.
New
Year's (Samhain) was thought to be the one 24 hr. period when the
barriers were down between this world and "Otherworld", so
"Ghosties
an Ghoulies,
An'
things that go bump in the Night".
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A Scotty dog competes in a dog show
and is thrilled to win first prize. On his way home with his award he
decides to stop in a bar and celebrate. He proceeds to down several
beers and becomes, well, more than a little tipsy. He leaves the bar
but forgets to take his award with him, leaving it behind on the bar.
When he arrives home he excitedly
relates to Mrs. Scotty dog and his son the story of his great
accomplishment. When they ask to see the prize he realizes that he's
left it behind in the saloon.
His son volunteers to retrieve it for
him (even though he's a Scotty and not a retriever). Scotty Jr. runs
all the way down to the saloon and bursts through the door.
"What'll ya have?" shouts the
bartender over the noise.
"What else?" shouts the little Scotty
dog. "Pap's blue ribbon!"
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Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
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Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
-
Anonymous
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Ronnie Barker, the British comedian of "The Two Ronnies" fame, passed away back in '05. He was 76. An excerpt from The Two Ronnies:
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Ronnie Barker, the British comedian of "The Two Ronnies" fame, passed away back in '05. He was 76. An excerpt from The Two Ronnies:
Corbett: Good evening! It's wonderful
to be back with you again, isn't it, Ronnie?
Barker: Indeed it is. And in a packed
programme tonight, I shall be having a word with a man who goes in for
meditation, because he thinks it's better than sitting around doing
nothing.
Corbett: And we'll be talking to a car
designer who's crossed Toyota with Quasimodo and come up with The
Hatchback of Notre Dame.
Barker: And we had hoped to have been
bringing you Arthur the Human Chameleon, but this afternoon, he crawled
across a tartan rug and died of exhaustion. But first, the news: The
House of Commons was sealed off today after police chased an escaped
lunatic through the front door during Prime Minister's question time. A
spokesman at Scotland Yard said it was like looking for a needle in a
haystack.
Corbett: West Mersea police announced
tonight that they wish to interview a man wearing high heels and frilly
knickers, but the Chief Constable said they must wear their normal
uniforms.
Barker: Many old music hall fans were
present at the funeral today of Fred "Chuckles" Jenkins, Britain's
oldest and unfunniest comedian. In tribute, the vicar read out one of
Fred's jokes, and the congregation had two minutes silence.
Corbett: Latest on the bullion
robbery: At Wansforth Police Station, a man who's as deaf as a post,
and doesn't speak English, with a terrible stutter, bad breath and
squeaky shoes, is not helping the police with their inquiries one
little bit.
Barker: At London's Heathrow, senior
customs officer Seaforth Mumbly retired today. He shook hands with
passengers passing through the customs, and confiscated a gold watch
for himself.
Corbett: There was a fire at the main
Inland Revenue office in London today, but it was put out before any
serious good was done.
Barker: The search for the man who
terrorizes nudist camps with a bacon slicer goes on. Inspector Lemuel
Jones had a tip-off this morning, but hopes to be back on duty
tomorrow.
Corbett: Finally, it was revealed in a
government survey published today that the Prime Minister is doing the
work of two men. Laurel and Hardy.
Barker: And now a sketch, featuring Mr
Ronnie Corbett, whose wife tries not to bring out the beast in him,
because she's afraid of mice.
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Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
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Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong
with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git
out there and fix it."
So Pa mosies out to the outhouse,
looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the
outhouse!"
Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the
hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my
head in that hole!"
Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in
the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in
the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong
with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head
out of the hole!" Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then
starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the
toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it
?"
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"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing." ~ Emo Philips (1956-)
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A guy was driving down through Mississippi and being hungry, he stopped at a roadside diner. Entering, he say a sign advertising the special "Fresh Venison" The guy orders the Special, and after completing the meal, he saw the cook standing behind the counter and said,"My complements to the chef, that was probably the tenderest venison I have ever eaten" The cook looked at him with a smile and replied, "Yep, an 18 wheeler will do that won't it?"
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Todd was arrested AGAIN and the detective was leafing through his crime history folder.
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"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing." ~ Emo Philips (1956-)
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A guy was driving down through Mississippi and being hungry, he stopped at a roadside diner. Entering, he say a sign advertising the special "Fresh Venison" The guy orders the Special, and after completing the meal, he saw the cook standing behind the counter and said,"My complements to the chef, that was probably the tenderest venison I have ever eaten" The cook looked at him with a smile and replied, "Yep, an 18 wheeler will do that won't it?"
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Todd was arrested AGAIN and the detective was leafing through his crime history folder.
"Hmmm, quite a record." he said.
"Shoplifting, hit-and-run, disorderly conduct, armed robbery, sexual
assault, sexual assault, forgery, sexual assault, manslaughter..."
"Yeah, I know," said Todd. "It
took me quite a while to figure out what I was good at."
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TOP 15 PET PEEVES OF MORTICIANS
15 Best make-up artist in the world, but your models never make the cover of Cosmo.
15 Best make-up artist in the world, but your models never make the cover of Cosmo.
14 No moth, no Jodie Foster -- just
leaves, dirt, and regular dead folks.
13 Only three hits this month on the
"World O' Coffins" web site.
12 Tough to convince anyone to let you
place bodies in action poses.
11 Ask any chem prof what happens when
you mix embalming fluid and breast implants... WHAMMO!
10 Working alone late at night
inevitably results in an extreme attack of "the willies."
9 Hard to close the lid on
Eroto-Asphyxiation victims.
8 Embalming fluid bottle looks an
*awful* lot like Colt 45 bottle.
7 Toe tag paper cuts.
6 The wife keeps asking if you could
bring a little more rigor mortis home, if you know what I mean.
5 Nobody visits your booth at junior
high "Career Days."
4 Every time Keith Richards gets
mistakenly hauled in, it costs *us* money.
3 At Thanksgiving, no one even TOUCHES
your giblet gravy.
2 Constant complaints of, "But he
looks like Michael Jackson!"
1 Dying in each other's arms may sound
romantic, but once rigor mortis sets in, it just means overtime.
[This list copyright 1997, 1999 by
Chris White
The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com
To forward or repost, please include
this section.
You like to receive credit for
your work, and so do we. ]
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Scrubbing the Bulkhead
I was scrubbing the bulkhead on
the USS Kitty Hawk one Sunday morning when the loud-speaker announced,
"Religious services. Maintain silence about the decks.
Discontinue all unnecessary work."
Discontinue all unnecessary work."
An hour later, the opinion many
of us held regarding our daily routine was confirmed with this
announcement, "Resume all unnecessary work."
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I missed the eclipse of the sun,
but someone said it will happen again at 2307. Its 1830 hours now, so
to an old military man like myself, 2307 is only slightly less than 5
hours from now. -Lawrence Brotherton
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Is it
just me or does anyone else find it absolutely amazing that the U.S. government can track a cow born in
Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in
the state of Washington, and determine exactly what that cow ate.
They can also track her calves right to their stalls, and tell you what
kind of feed they ate.
But they are unable to locate 11
million illegal aliens wandering around in this country, including
people that are trying to blow up important structures.
My solution is to give every illegal
alien a cow as they enter the country.
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If you drink, don't drive. Don't
even putt.
-Dean
Martin
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Undertakers have announced that when
Michael Jackson dies,he will be melted down to make plastic toys,so
kids can play with him for a change..
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We'll begin with a box, and the plural
is boxes; but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are
called geese, yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest
full of mice; yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called
men, why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I spoke of my foot and show you my
feet, and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are
teeth, why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would
be those, yet hat in the plural would never be hose, and the plural of
cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of
brethren, but though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he,
his and him, but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.
-- Author Unknown
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These are pathetic enough for a second look...
WORLD'S WORST PICK UP LINES
Do you believe in love at first sight
or do I have to walk by again?
I lost my phone number can I have
yours?
Excuse me, but I think I dropped
something. MY JAW!
Hey, have you got a quarter I could
borrow? Because my mom told me to call her when I found the girl
of my dreams.
You must be tired. Because you've been
running through my head all day.....
I didn't know that angels could fly so
low!
Let's go to my place and do the things
I'll tell everyone we did anyway.
That outfit would look great in a
crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
If I told you had a beautiful body,
would you hold it against me?
Is it hot in here or is it just you?
I miss my teddy bear. Would you
sleep with me?
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd
put U and I together.
I hope you know CPR, 'cause you take
my breath away.
That's a nice shirt can I talk you out
of it?
Was your father an alien? Because
there's nothing else like you on Earth.
I'm new in town, can you give me
directions to your apartment?
Do you have a map? I keep getting lost
in your eyes..
Would you like to dance or should I
just go fuck myself?
My name's [your name]. That's so
you know what to scream.
Bond. James Bond.
Can I buy you a drink or do you just
want the money?
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OK, move along, that's all there is, move along please ....
OK, move along, that's all there is, move along please ....
Housekeeping:
While I write some of what appears in my newsletters, mostly it is stuff that's merely passed on, often without attribution. If at all possible, attribution is given, and any copyright notice, if copyrighted material is used at all, is ALWAYS included. Written permission(s) (email-I can't handwrite) are sought where practicable. If you see anything at all that shouldn't be there, should be differently attributed, or is objectionable in any way, please let me know by simply writing to me . In no event is any income derived, and so the following notice is included:
*COPYRIGHT NOTICE** In accordance with Title 17 U. S. C. Section 107, any copyrighted work in this message is distributed under fair use without profit or payment..
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If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you always got!
Home is where the grab bars are.