The Tiger Prince Written by Jonathan Woodward --------------- Yakko: ...Ooo, I thought they always landed on their feet? We cut to the title, red on black, with a big for SFX. Title: The Tiger Prince Title: (Act II) Scene: Extreme close up, an acorn. It is slowly rolling down a cliffside. It falls onto a relatively flat surface, and rocks back and forth a little. Suddenly, a big (from our perspective) gray paw slaps down on top of it. The acorn is picked up by its stem and rattled back and forth a little. We cut to a wider angle and discover... Slappy: Life's not fair, is it nut? You, will never grow up to be a mighty oak, and I never get any peace and quiet since those razzin-frazzin tigers took over. Slappy holds the nut over her mouth, and is about to drop it in when... Pesto: SLAPPY! She drops the nut. We cut to a shot of Pesto, winging past the cliffface, looking for Slappy. Pesto: Slappy! Where are ya, ya dried up cranky ol'... Pesto rounds an outcropping and nearly collides with Slappy's glaring face. He hovers there, eyeball to eyeball, looking discomfited. Together, their eyes track down, and we cut to a shot of the acorn tumbling down the rock face, , and falling into a crevice. Cut back to Pesto and Slappy, as their eyes turn to look at each other again. Slappy: You made me lose my lunch, bird. Pesto looks actively nervous. We flaps back a foot or so, and loosens his collar. Pesto: Um, heh, I, um... "You're going to lose a lot more than that when Poppa Tiger gets here." Slappy: Oh yeah, and why's that? Pesto: "You were supposed to be at Baby Tiger's baptism-ritual-doo-hickey today." Slappy: Why? So someone would have been there to catch him? Pappa Tiger: That's not funny, Slappy. Pappa sounds exactly like Darth Vader. We pan left to discover him walking up. Slappy: I hate to tell you this, but cats being dropped from an altitude is a long-standing tradition in cartoons. Why, I remember telling Chuck, "Chuck, maybe Marc Anthony should miss catching Pussyfoot just once..." Pappa: Silence! I don't know what I'm going to do with you, Slappy. There's a new order here, and the old cartoon ways are no longer relevant. Slappy: Dynamite is always relevant. Pappa: Come, Pesto. There is much planning to be done, and this is not the place to do it. Slappy: Don't forget ta pick up your asthma medicine! Sheesh, what a grouch. There must be a way to get rid of those namby-pamby tigers... ....And I know just how to do it! We begin to fade out, zooming in on Slappy's face, while her demonic cackle rises. Just as things are turning black... Slappy: Skippy! Quit playing with my light bulb! Skippy: Sorry, Aunt Slappy... There's a musical tag cue, and we close. --------------- "The Tiger Prince", Act III Scene: We fade in on a view of the top of Big Rock, home to Poppa Tiger, Momma Tiger, Baby Tiger, and a whole bunch of Extra Tigers That Are Getting Paid Scale. It's dawn, and they're all asleep, except, of course, for Baby (somewhat older than in Act I), who comes bouncing out onto the ledge (keeping well away from the edge, we note). Baby: The wonderful thing about tiggers / Is tiggers are wonderful things! / They're bouncy, bouncy, bouncy, bouncy... He seems to be stuck on "bouncy". Baby Tiger ain't too bright. He charges back into the cave, jumping from stomach to stomach of the Extra Tigers. Baby: Boingy, boingy, boingy, boingy! Extras: Oof! Oof! Oof! Oof! He doesn't miss a one. He jumps extra hard off the last, and we get a brief shot from his POV of Poppa Tiger's solar plexus (with a big red X on it), before he lands. Poppa: Eeeyyyaaa! Baby: Bingo! Poppa Tiger gasps for breath. Momma Tiger, who remains un-bounced, stretches in a way guaranteed to set furvert hearts a-pounding and says, Momma: Now, son, you know that aggravates your father's asthma. Poppa: Baby Tiger makes great big adorable Baby Tiger eyes and tries to look contrite. Baby: I'm sorry. Poppa! You said we were gonna go up to the bluff on an expotition! Poppa: That's "exposition", son, and yes, I do have to deliver rather a lot of it before I get hit by an anvil in the second reel. Momma: Not to mention several homilies. Poppa glares at Momma as Baby goes back to seeing how high he can jump. We fade to the bluff as they ascend it. Poppa gestures with a paw at the expanse of plains. Poppa: Son, from here you can see the entire Circus Of Life... As Poppa launches into a rambling speech, the Goodfeathers land off to one side. Baby spots them, and somehow manages to instantly turn invisible in the tall grass. Pesto: Is this speechifyin' gonna take long? Bobby: Yo, Pesto, he's teachin' his son the meanin' of life. Pesto: It's gonna take long. Squit: Where'd Baby _go_, anyhow? The Goodfeathers look around, but don't see him. They turn to each other, and their eyes widen a bit. Together: Uh-oh. Baby pounces on them at about Warp 7. A "fight-cloud" ensues, with the various pigeon body-parts poking out of it rapidly becoming feather-denuded. We hear cries for help from the Goodfeathers. Poppa: ...And that's why we support a patriarchal, hereditary, species-based ruling structure. Son? The fight-cloud spins to a stop. Baby hops over to Poppa and spits out a _big_ mouthful of feathers. The pigeons reel about aimlessly. Baby: Yes, Pop? Poppa: Practicing your pouncing, eh? Good for you! Bobby: Practicing? He could give lessons! Pesto: Where is he? Lemme at him! Nobody squawks with me! Squit: <_completely_ out of it> As far back as I can remember, I wanted to be a chew-toy! All three collapse in a heap. Poppa: Son, someday everything the sun touches will be yours, when you are king. Baby: Cool! Soon? Poppa: More than likely. Baby gazes out at a darkened area of the plains. Baby: What about there, Pop? Huh? Poppa: No, son, we Tigers and Animaniacs don't go there. Baby: Aw, why not? Poppa: Because they have their own show, now. --------------- "The Tiger Prince", Act IV Scene: We fade in on the ledge next to Slappy's tree (which is located halfway up the back side of Big Rock for the purposes of this script). Slappy is approaching her front door. She looks like she's had a rough day spreading chaos across the savannah. She opens the door, and a supersonic orange-and-black blur hits her dead in the lower chest, rolling her backwards. Baby: Aunt Slappy! She ends up flat on her back with Baby perched atop her. Slappy: Don't call me that, you stripey-butted furball! Get off me! He does so, and Slappy picks herself up off the ground slowly. Baby occupies himself trying to see if his butt is really stripey, but he keeps getting distracted into chasing his tail. Slappy: What were you doing in my house, anyway? Baby: Huh? Oh, I was running down the rocks, an' I accidentally jumped in the wrong direction, an' I went through the window into your bedroom, an' when I stopped bouncing I realized I was in your kitchen, so I had a snack while I waited for you to get back and unlock the door so I could get out! Slappy looks in through her door. I'll let _you_ picture a poor old squirrel lady's home after a hyperactive tiger cub has been stuck in it for half an hour. Shredded bits of a (formerly framed and hanging on her wall) cel from "Nuts To You" (directed by Bob McCinnamon, 1949) waft out on the breeze. Slappy looks proto-nuclear. She casts about furiously, then reaches out-of-frame and grabs the Writer by the shirt-front. Slappy: I want to blow him up _now_, ya long-haired hack! Writer: Eek! Ah, you can't; I have to stick to the format of the material parodied. Slappy: I'll get you some raspberry soda! Writer: Now don't _you_ start! I promise that you get to traumatize him severely later on. Plus, if you follow the script, you get paid. Slappy: Severe trauma, huh? Writer: "Revenge is a dish best served cold." Slappy: Harumph. She lets his shirt go, and he zips back out-of-frame. Baby, oblivious as always, seems to have caught his tail. He's rolling around like a furry hula-hoop. Slappy takes a deep breath. Slappy: So, what have _you_ been up to? Baby: Huh? Oh, me and Poppa went up on the bluff, an' he told me how I'm gonna be king someday! An' then I get to rule over _everything_... 'cept the dark place over thataway. Slappy knows a line of attack when she hears one. Slappy: Well, you probably don't want to rule over The Rat Zone anyway. They're all crazy over there. Baby: Crazy rats? Slappy: Oh, sure! They're constantly building weird and kooky gadgets and stuff. It's like a cross between Silicon Valley, "Powerhouse", and Six Flags Over Pocoma. Baby: Wow! Cool! Slappy: Yeah, why don't you run along and check it out. Poppa won't mind. Baby: Neat! Bye, Aunt Slappy! Slappy: Don't call me that! Feh, I hate subtlety. I shoulda just stuffed some dynamite up his keister. She picks up a broom and heads into her house. We cut to the Tiger Lounging Grounds, where the Extra Tigers are keeping an eye on the young-uns. Baby comes tumbling in, and zooms up to where Baby Minerva is getting a tongue bath from her adoptive mother, Extra Tiger #3. (.fandom-ers may substitute themselves for this role at their discretion.) Baby Minerva looks like, well, she looks like a very young Minerva, older than Baby Plucky, but younger than, say, Buster. Baby: Hey, Minerva, I heard about this real neat place we gotta check out! Minerva: Hmm? It better not be anything _stupid_. I'm in the middle of my ablutions. Baby: Naw, it's _way_ cool. ET#3: You can go, Minnie... Minerva: Mom! Don't _call_ me that! ET#3: ...you're all clean now. Just don't go near The Rat Zone, kids. Baby: Of course not! What are we, stupid? Baby and Minerva take off. Minerva: So, where _are_ we going? Baby: The Rat Zone! What are you, stupid? Minerva ehaps him, hard. He rolls for a short distance, then picks himself up. He looks a little dizzier than usual. Minerva: Boys! They mature slower, you know. Baby: Sorry! C'mon! Pesto: Wait up, ya furry terror! Pesto wings up from behind them. Pesto: Your Poppa sent me to accompany youse, and make sure you don't get in any trouble. Baby: Aw, man! Pesto, trouble is what cartoons are all about! Pesto: Your Poppa wants peace and harmony kid, so peace and harmony we got. Frankly, I'm enjoying the quiet. We hear the music start to fade in. Baby: Aunt Slappy's been tellin' me about the way it used to be! It was grr-reat! Pesto: She ain't your aunt, fuzzball. Besides, _you_ didn't have to live through it. The music comes up to full. It's more like the Elton John version than the movie version, with a very heavy, rolling drum beat. I've left most of the action to your imaginations, as it would take many pages. As we begin, a matched set of anvils, arranged as instruments, drop from the sky. The Warner trio pop up out of nowhere to play them. Baby: I've heard about the olden ways In cartoon days of yore. Pesto: Kid, Poppa Tiger changed those things Ain't like it was before. Baby: I've heard the tales of silly fights And red sticks that go BOOM! I'm ready to bring all that back When the throne I assume! Pesto: You're a threat to peace an' life an' wing! Baby: Oh, I love to hear anvils ring! Gonna say "Hold this." Gonna say "Nice fall!" Gonna say "Eh, what's up?" Gonna say "Th-th-th-that's all!" Free to smooch my enemies Free to order from Acme! Pesto: Kid, if you should play with fire There's a chance you'll get burned. Baby: That'll be another rule That I've never learned! Pesto: If cartoon bombs and shotgun blasts are back, All right, that's it! Watch my feathers, watch the dust fly, kids, 'Cause I don't need this Anvils sure ain't _this_ bird's favorite thing! Baby: But _I_ love to hear anvils ring! Dogs are gonna chase cats Cats are gonna chase birds Birds are gonna chase worms It'll be absurd! Let every creature have a crazy fling Without no anti-violence picketing The endless fight will be our finest thing Oh, I love to hear anvils ring! Yes, I love to hear anvils ring! Oh, I love to hear anvils ring! Yeah! Baby and Minerva take off. Pesto is buried under heaps of anvils. Pesto: Mamee? Muhmerma? Mut miff !@#$% moffa me! _Melp_! --------------- JW's "The Tiger Prince, Act V" Scene: We're on the very border of The Rat Zone. Enter Baby Tiger and Baby Minerva. They top a small rise, and look down into the Zone. Both: Mega! The Zone looks like Frankenstein's junkyard. Far off, we can see what was probably once the Serengeti Division of Acme Labs, but this branch was given over to the rats a long time ago. A plain filled with scientific detritus stretches as far as the eye can see; infindibulators, cyclotrons, identomisers, space modualtors, tunneling electron microscopes... As one looks farther from the lab, the gadgets get less and less high-tech (presumably as the creator ran out of equipment to scavenge from) and begin to look positively rococco, being made out of bones, wicker, and animal hide. Though it's still late morning, a pall hangs over the area. There is a disturbance of some sort down and to the left. Baby: Let's go check it out! They scamper down the slope. They sneak around a clump of wreckage, and we see what looks like a large mechanical man made out of bamboo. (That's what it _is_, actually.) Pinky and the Brain are climbing around its interior. Brain: Pinky, hand me that lug wrench. Pinky: What, you mean this stick, Brain? Brain: That's not a stick, it's a wrench. I realize our resources are running low, but soon it won't matter. Pinky: Why? Are we finally going to give up? Brain: No, Pinky! Once we put the final touches on our new mecha, we will pilot it to Big Rock, and seize control of the grassland! Their "mecha" looks like it would have trouble seizing an unresisting _bug_. Baby realizes this. Baby: Boy, rats are _dumb_! Brain: We're not rats, we're mice... Pinky! Intruders! Pinky: Egad! And I don't have a _thing_ to wear! Brain: To the treadmill, Pinky! I will take the conn! Pinky gets in a treadmill located in mid-torso; Brain heads to the controls in the head. Pinky-powered, the bamboo mecha lurches into "action". Baby: Wow! Cool! Can I ride? The mecha stands upright, and staggers towards Baby and Minerva. Brain: No, you fool! We're going to destroy you! Minerva: Not on your best day, rat. Baby and Minerva crouch behind the wreckage, and as the mecha passes them, Minerva sticks out her leg, tripping it. Brain: Whoa! Whoooooa! Pinky: Zort! The mecha hits the ground, and crumples into a mass of scattered splinters. Baby: Wow! I did it! Minerva: _You_ did it? They amble off in the direction of Big Rock, cheerfully arguing and wrassling. Pinky and the Brain gradually emerge from the mess. Brain: Hmm. Too top-heavy. Perhaps something in a bamboo hippo for tonight... The music starts to come up. Pinky: Why, Brain, what are we going to do tonight? Brain: I've explained this before, Pinky... The animation through this song is... well, if this ever got animated, it would be known as "The bit where Brain is scary." All the camera angles are set to emphasize him; the lighting is very shadowy. Brain comes off as an obsessed megalomaniac (which is basically what he _is_). Towards the end, his normally-pink eyes glow bright red. Brain: I know that the thoughts in your cranium, Are getting quite lonely these days. But, dolt that you are, pay attention! My schemes I'll simplify and phrase. It's clear from your brain's dissipation, You're bright as a flame in the wind. But we're talking world domination! To this you cannot be thick-skinned! So prepare for this evening's endeavours! Make plans for the future of mice! An age of rodentia, No ailurophilia... Pinky: To me it's still inky... Brain: Pay attention, Pinky! I know you're a ninny But we are beginning A scheme that will shake the whole land! Tonight exercise your brainpan; Make a plan! Pinky: Yay, Brain! We'll make a plan! Umm, now let's see... Pinky appears to be thinking quite hard. Brain: Don't hurt yourself, Pinky. A plot is already in the works. And this time, we have help... Slappy appears, pushing a wheelbarrow full of explosives. Slappy: I brought the dynamite! You sure this will get rid of those goody-goody tigers? Brain: With your aid, this plan is infallible! Soon, Poppa Tiger will be gone, and _I_ will rule the savannah! Pinky: It's great that you'll soon be our ruler! No more complex schemes every night! Brain: And you'll have carte blanche as my chancellor; Just stand right by me in the fight! The future's a glimmering beacon, For rodents of highest degree! (La, la-la!) Pinky: Have you got a fever? Brain: Pay attention! Or I'll have to hurt you, Pinky! Make a plan like we've never attempted! Make a plan for a braver new world! (Pinky: Zooort!) Where rodents are happy (We'll have cheese!) Yes, even Aunt Slappy (Lots of cheese!) The failures of decades (I repeat!) To rest they will be laid (Cheese replete!) I'm ruler, efficient (Naaarf!) Almighty, omniscient! (Naaarf!) And known for the genius I am! (Naaarf!) Yes! Are you pondering what I am? Make a plan! Yes, are you pondering what I am? Make a plan! Make a plan! Have a plan! Brain triumphantly holds up a sheet of paper covered with sketches and formulas. His maniacal laughter mixes with Pinky's demented gigglings and Slappy's throaty chuckles as we fade to black. --------------- JW's "The Tiger Prince, Act VI" Scene: A gorge close to Big Rock. Most of the tigers are lounging around in the shade at the bottom. Off to one end Baby Tiger is practicing his bouncing. We do a slow pan away from him up the side of the gorge. We reach the top, and see... Marita: Flavio, pass me another wine cooler. I am parch-ed! Flavio: Certainly, my little azalea. Several dozen hippos, including the Hip ones, are relaxing in lounge chairs on the field overlooking the gorge. We cut back to Baby. Slappy approaches. Slappy: How you doing, kid? Baby: Hi, Aunt Slappy! Wanna help me bounce? Slappy: I'm not your aunt, kid! You're a tiger, I'm a squirrel! Sheesh. Listen, I just wanted to tell you that I'm practicing some gags with dynamite over thataway and you should stay clear. I gotta go get some fuzes. Baby: Uh, okay! I promise I won't fool with it! Slappy: I'm sure. Buh-bye. Slappy clambers up the hillside. She reaches the top, and waves at someone past the hippos. She then darts off to the right. We zoom past the hippos to discover Pinky and the Brain, ensconced in their bamboo hippo mecha, hiding in a cluster of trees. Brain: That's the signal, Pinky! Start your engines! Pinky starts running in the treadmill, and they wobble out towards the real hippos. We cut back to Baby, who (go fig) is investigating Slappy's "dynamite practice". There's nothing there but a classic cartoon dynamite detonator, shiny and red. Baby's eyes get big and round; he's in love. He prepares to pounce. We cut back to Slappy, who is watching Baby from a safe distance with binoculars. Slappy: Rose like a brook trout, didn't he? We cut back to Pinky and the Brain, who are attempting to stampede the hippos. Brain: Comrades! We must flee! There are, uh, large hippo-eating carnivores approaching! Marita: Who is that silly-looking person, Flavio? Flavio: Some commoner, darling. Perhaps we should change chairs, so he can't breathe on us. The other hippos are reacting much the same way, moving closer to the cliff. We cut back to Baby just in time to see him jump on the plunger. There's a mammoth , and the entire cliff face calves away. We cut to a brief shot of the hippos' surprise as they drop, then to Pinky and the Brain narrowly escaping falling themselves, then to Slappy looking quite pleased with herself. We cut back to Baby, who is now staring up in shock at a thousand tons of rock, hippos, and lounge chairs descending at terminal velocity. He takes off down the gorge at about Mach 3. We cut back to the Hip Hippos, who are rolling like big pastel bowling balls. Marita: D-d-d-darling, i-i-i-is th-th-th-this p-p-p-part o-o-o-of th-th-th-the t-t-t-tour p-p-p-package? Flavio: O-o-o-of c-c-c-course, m-m-m-my l-l-l-lovely m-m-m-meatball! I-i-i-it's th-th-th-the l-l-l-latest th-th-th-thing i-i-i-in e-e-e-exercise. The rubble hits bottom, and though the rocks mostly stop, the hippos keep rolling down the gorge. Cut back to Baby. Baby: Dad! Dad! _Dad_! Poppa: Hmm? What's that noise? AAAHHH! Baby leaps for a small tree sticking out of the wall of the gorge, and just makes it. Poppa and the rest of the tigers are innundated and carried along by the hippos, leaving nothing but dust and the occasional bottle of chic wine cooler in their wake. Baby clambers down, and stares after them, aghast. Slappy: Ahh! My dynamite! What has that little furball done?! Baby looks off towards her voice. His ears go back; he looks scared. Slappy: That little menace _better run_, or I'm gonna do _unspeakable things_ to him! Baby gets a clue when she says "better run", and takes off for the desert and Act VII. Slappy emerges from the dust, followed by Pinky and the Brain. Slappy: "Severe trauma"! Heh, heh. Gotta admit, Brain, that was a doozy! It worked! Brain gets a very odd expression on his face. Brain: It _did_ work, didn't it? Pinky, do you hear that? It worked! Pinky: I always _knew_ you'd do it _someday_, Brain. Narf. Brain: I am proud to have been able to reward your faith, Pinky. Come, we have a power vacuum to fill. First decree, as a thanks to our esteemed rodent-in-arms, "Everyone must leave Slappy alone." Slappy: It was a pleasure, Brain. You have a talent for mayhem! Brain: Many thanks, Slappy. May I say, I have never met anyone with a greater aptitude for explosives? Slappy: Hwah! You may! Pinky is watching this love-fest with ill-concealed nausea. Pinky: So, Brain, what are we going to do _tomorrow_ night? Brain: Sleep, Pinky. Sleep. And we fade out. --------------- JW's "The Tiger Prince, Act VII" Scene: The desert between the grasslands of Big Rock and the nearby jungle. Baby Tiger is lying there unconscious. He's twitching a little, and as we get closer, we can hear that's he dreaming about pouncing. Baby: Get the birds! Get 'em! Bugs, rats, pounce on 'em... Three or four vultures wing down and land near him. One of them (who looks a little odd) leans over and starts pecking at him, dislodging his mask. The other vultures stare at him, horrified. Chicken Boo: B'gark? The _real_ vultures attack Boo, ripping away his disguise. Boo is slumming, it appears. Suddenly, to the tune of some familiar theme music, a brown dog ridden by a gray cat barrel down on the scene, scattering the vultures to the winds. Runt: That was fun! I definitely like scaring sparrows, definitely. Rita: They were vultures, bird-brain. And warn me before you do that, next time! Runt: Hey, Rita, look! It's a puppy! Rita: Eh? Runt, that's a tiger. Runt: What's a tiger? Rita: Ah, a kind of dog. Hmm, he looks sort of beat. Runt: Can we keep him? Rita: What, life as a duo doesn't suit you? Whatta we need with a tiger? Runt: He's got cute stripes! Can we, huh, can we? Rita: Oh, all right. Pick him up. Least we can do is dump him in a puddle before he dries up and blows away. We dissolve to Rita and Runt's water hole in the jungle. Rita: Just fling him in. Runt flings. Baby makes a big splash, then somehow manages to levitate straight out of the water onto a branch. Baby: Eeeaaaggghhh! Rita: Feel better, kid? Baby: What happened? Rita: We were just about to ask you the same thing. What were you doing out in the desert? Practicing to be a throw rug? Baby: Oh. I ran away 'cause someone was gonna do unspeakable things to me. Runt: Wow! That's what happened to us! Baby: Huh? Rita: Yeah, it has to do with our philosophy. Baby: Phil what? Rita: Our way of life, kid. Listen up: Hasta la vista! What a wonderful phrase! Runt: Hasta la vista! Ain't no phrase of praise! Both: It means, "Ciao, baby!" It means, "We're outta this place!" It's our policy, it keeps us free! Oh, hasta la vista! Runt: When I was a younger dog... Rita: And _I_ was a younger... ...dog. Runt: We were locked in a pound, we were kept shut away! We knew that we were gonna get gassed someday! We went over the wall... and into the night. Rita: After Runt trounced the screw in a fight! And we were free! Runt: Yes we were! Rita: Just he and me! Threw the shackles of man off! Told those humans to... Runt: Ah, Rita? Rita: Huh? Oh, yeah. They look at each other and shrug. Both: Ah, one, two, three... Oh, hasta la vista! What a wonderful phrase! Hasta la vista! It's useful nowadays! Baby: It means "I'll see ya!" "Sayonara, babe, for today!" It keeps one free, cats like us three! Oh, hasta la vista! Runt: Cats? Where's a cat?! Rita: Ixnay on the "atscay"! Baby: Huh? Rita: I can see I got my work cut out for me now... With the music playing over it all, we get several "time passes" scenes, which basically show Baby growing like topsy, eating all the food available, and repeatedly bouncing into things that don't take well to bouncing. When the sequence finishes, Rita and Runt look a little harried, and Baby has grown into a real _hunk_ of a teenaged tiger. We fade out on Baby eating a whole antelope while Rita and Runt hold an animated discussion in the background. It looks like Rita wants to get rid of Baby. We fade back in on Big Rock, inside the (former) tiger's cave. Pesto is stuck in a bird cage made of bones hanging from the ceiling. Brain is leaning over an impromptu table reading papers and occasionally making notes. He looks happier than we've ever seen him. Pinky is lolling around aimlessly. He looks fairly content, too. Pesto: I'm just a bird in some schmuck's ribcage / Pesto's my name and _this is an outrage_... Brain: Pesto! Please, you're only locked up because you bothered Slappy. Sing something lighter, if you're going to sing. Pesto looks petulant, then, in full screeching racket, sings... Pesto: UNITED STATES, CANADA, MEXICO, PANAMA, HAITI, JAMAICA, PERU... Brain: Stop! Anything but that! Pesto: Day-o! Day-ay-ay-o. Daylight come and me wanna go ho-ome! Pinky: Day! Me say day-ay-ay-narf! Daylight come an' me wanna go home. Pinky and Pesto sing together. Brain, oddly, doesn't appear to mind. He's actually tapping along with the song while working on the papers. Pinky & Pesto: Come, mister tally-man, tally me banana / Daylight come an' me wanna go home... Bobby and Squit flutter in. Bobby: Yo! Boss! Brain: Hmm? Ah, my loyal henchmen. What can I do for you on this fine day? Squit: We were wondering if Pesto'd done his time yet. Brain: Oh, very well. I am a merciful tyrant. Pesto, you can go. Pesto: I can? Oh, coo! He opens his cage and flaps down to join the other Goodfeathers. Squit: Gee, Pesto, I guess you're a free bird now. Pesto: What do you mean by that? I'm free? What am I, some sort of discounted special? Squit: No! Pesto: Well then, I must be a dopey song from the 70s, here to amuse you, is that it? Squit: No, no, I'm just saying you're free! Pesto: That's it! Pummeling of Squit ensues. The fight-ball rolls outside, leaving Bobby behind. Bobby: Yo, Boss, I just want to say thanks for lettin' Pesto loose. We Goodfeathers, we think you're a big improvement over Poppa Tiger. Brain: Thank you, trusted lackey. Bobby: And _Pinky_ doesn't try to chew all our feathers off, neither... Brain: It is good to be the king, Pinky. Pinky: Zort! I've always thought so, Brain. With Poppa buried under all those hippos, and Baby missing, you might be king forever! Brain: Baby... hmm... Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering? Pinky: I guess so, Brain, but I don't think Joan Collins _wanted_ to be in _Generations_. Brain: No, Pinky. Baby is still an unpredictable factor. We should send someone to track him down, and deal with him. Pinky: Oh, narf, can I do it! Please? Brain: And exactly _how_ are you going to deal with a _tiger_, Pinky? Pinky: With my hands? Brain: No, Pinky, I am going to use my very own Mata Hari! Pinky: Do you need to be groomed, Brain? I always say, these caves are no place for a rodent of breeding... Brain: Stop that! Soothing as it was, Pinky, I didn't mean "matted hairy", I meant Minerva! Pinky: You'll be needing your scuba gear, then, won't you? Poit. Brain: Pinky, maybe you should be quiet for a little while. I have much planning to do. Fade to black. --------------- ...Almost done, folks! JW's "The Tiger Prince", Act VIII Scene: The jungle near Rita and Runt's water hole. Enter Rita, Runt, and Baby Tiger, singing. Baby has a good singing voice, surprisingly. All: Bum-bum-bumblebee, Bumblebee Tuna! We love Bumblebee, Bumblebee Tuna... Rita: In the ocean, the mighty ocean, the tuna sleeps tonight! Runt: In the ocean, the quiet ocean, the tuna sleeps tonight! All: Oh-oh! Bumb-bum-bumblebee, Bumblebee Tuna... At this point, a large rhinoceros crosses in front of the trio, attracting Baby's eye. He starts drooling, and begins stalking the rhino. Runt notices Baby leaving, and is about to follow, but Rita nudges him back into their original path. She gives him a small glare. We cut to follow Baby's progress. The rhino stops to drink out of a small pool, and Baby climbs up on a branch, readying himself to pounce on what he sees as a medium-sized snack. Suddenly... Minerva: Hellooo, striped nurse! Minerva leaps down from an even higher tree branch, knocking Baby onto the ground. She straddles him, and gives him a big kiss. She's now the adult Minerva we know, dressed like Sheena, Queen Of The Jungle, but provocatively. Baby: Ack! Phtp, girl-cooties! Minerva: Remember me, sweetie? Baby: Minnie? Minerva jumps off him and ehaps him with her tail, hard. Minerva: That's "Minerva", you horrible beast! Baby reels a bit from the hit. Baby: Suddenly, I find her strangely compelling! Is it really you, Minerva? Minerva: You know anyone else with hair this gorgeous? Baby stops to think. Minerva: You're not supposed to answer that, fuzz-head. What a _charming_ little place you have here! A few bulldozers and it might even be habitable. Baby: Um, if you say so! How'd you get way out here, anyway? Minerva lets her lip quiver a little, then throws herself on Baby's neck, sobbing. Minerva: Oh, Baby, it's horrible! Since you left, Big Rock hasn't been the same! Scavengers everywhere, a blight on the corn, the price of blintzes skyrocketing... Oh, woe is us! Can no one help? Baby: Uh... Minerva: You _can_? You _will_? Oh, Baby, thank you! This means so much to us! So much to _me_. She kisses him hard, and we slowly pan away from the couple, to discover Rita and Runt spying on them through the leaves. The music comes up. Rita: I can see what's happening. And you don't have a clue. Runt: That's true! Rita: They'll hump like hares, and here's the bottom line: We're rid of you-know-who! Like fantasies of .fandom, Or #watertower's snare. When mink and tiger start to get it on, Hormones are in the air! Can you feel the lust tonight? The sounds of love are loud. The beast two-backed is made at twilight, And no voyeurs allowed! And if they have their fling tonight, It's as good as said. Runt: His bachelor days with us are history, Both: In short, that tiger's dead! They amble off into the jungle. Runt: He had cute stripes, but he sure could eat! Rita: You said it, chum. We cut back into the clearing, which is indeed becoming quite noisy. Minerva and Baby are apparently below our field of view. Minerva: Oh, wow! Minerva pokes her head up into the frame. Minerva: God, I love my work! She dives back into the fun as we fade to... Scene: The Water Tower, which, for the purposes of this script, is in the middle of the grasslands. We pan up to the balcony, where the Warner Trio are sunning themselves lazily. Dot: Boy, this is an easy script for us. Her brothers nod assent. Suddenly, Yakko's watch beeps. He looks at it. Yakko: Sibs, it is time! Dot: Time to berate Warner Bros. for not using more fan scripts? Wakko: Time to stop the world's spin? Yakko: No, it's time to talk Baby into returning home for the big fight scene! Wakko: I thought Minerva was doing that? Yakko: Yeah, but the writer feels we need more scenes. Let's go! They jump down to the ground, and tear off towards the jungle. We fade to... Scene: Night. Baby is standing on an outcropping of rock just outside the jungle (still keeping well back from the edge). Baby: This is very confusing. If I go back, won't Aunt Slappy do horrible things to me? Yakko: Aaah, she's not your aunt, y'know. Baby: Huh? Who are you? The Warners leap up onto the rock. Yakko & Wakko: We're the Warner Brothers! Dot: _And_ the Warner Sister, you big hunk of a tiger, you! Baby: Gah! _More_ girl cooties! What a day... Wakko: We're here to act really silly until we get you to go back! Baby: Why? To face my destiny and stuff? Yakko: No, to get away from us! Yakko bonks Baby on the head with his stick. Baby: Ow! Why'd you do that? Yakko: It doesn't matter why, it was funny! Baby: Yeah, well it still hurts! Yakko: Ah, yes, pain _can_ be funny. The way I see it, you can either be the receiver... Wakko hits Baby with a big mallet. Wakko: ...Or the giver! Baby: Ow! What was _that_ for? Dot: Fast learner, isn't he? Baby: All right, all right, I'll go! Don't with the hitting! Geez... Baby takes off for Big Rock. Yakko: Well, sibs, our work here is done. Dot: Let's go get ready for the big musical finale! All: Right! And we iris out. --------------- JW's "The Tiger Prince", Act IX Scene: Big Rock. A crowd has gathered to witness Baby's return. Pinky and the Brain are there, as are the Goodfeathers, Minerva, and a few random Extra Tigers. The Warners scramble up onto a ledge as we fade in. Dot: Gee, we beat him! Yakko: Ah, he probably got lost. Rita and Runt arrive. Squit: What are you two doing here? Rita: You kidding? We wouldn't miss this for the world. Runt: Minerva told us what was up. Rita coughs, and appears to be stifling a smile. Suddenly, we hear from the top of Big Rock... Skippy: Here he comes! Skippy is standing lookout. We cut to a shot of Baby, tearing across the plains in slow-motion. The music briefly parodies _Chariots Of Fire_. He lopes over the last rise before Big Rock, and confronts the crowd. Brain: What kept you? Baby: Um, I got lost. Minerva gazes at Baby and licks her lips. She bends down to whisper in Brain's ear. He looks a little surprised for a second. Brain: A crueler fate I can't imagine. Are you certain? Minerva: Oh, yeah! What a _hunk_.... Baby ignores all this. Baby: So, rat, are you behind the devastation of the pridelands? Much of the crowd glances around in consternation. The pridelands have never looked better. There are a few chuckles. Pinky: We're not rats! Want me to stomp 'im, Brain? Brain: Thank you Pinky, but that won't be necessary. Baby, come over here, please. Baby: Okay, but no tricks! Brain: "Tricks" is such a relative term. A _little_ closer, please. Thank you. Now. Baby: Now? A really, _really_ big anvil falls on Baby's head. We pan up to discover... Slappy: Now! What a palooka. Baby stands there dizzily. Minerva runs up to stand beside him. She's wearing a veil and holding a bouquet. The crowd forms itself into a wedding party. Brain pulls out a small black book and reads from it. Brain: Baby, do you take Minerva to be your wife, to honor and obey her, through reruns and syndication, as long as you both shall live? Minerva whispers, "You do!" in his ear. Baby: I do? Brain: Minerva, do you take... Minerva: You bet, bub! Brain: Hmm. Then, by the power vested in me by virtue of my superior intellect, I now pronounce you tiger and wife. You may kiss the unsuspecting airhead. Minerva kisses Baby for an extended period, during the course of which they somehow end up horizontal on the ground. She tosses the bouquet over her shoulder, and it lands on Rita's head. Runt notices, looks like he's trying to figure something out, then blushes and starts to stammer. Rita: Huh? ...Eek! Rita begins backing slowly away from Runt, wide-eyed. We pan upwards to the Warners. Yakko: Well, looks like the good guys win again! Time for another song, I think... The music comes up. All: We are the Animaniacs! All the tigers got the axe! Peace and harmony's a bore, Quiet cheerfulness's a chore, And funniness it lacks! The tiger's tried to rule us but instead they rued the day That they tried to make us all live in the Disney way. We domesticated Baby... ...And sent Poppa on his way! Back to the fun 'Cause Brain's the one Who rules the Warner way! We are the Animaniacs! With jokes, gags, and wisecracks! We're zany to the max! There's bananas in our slacks! We're Animani Totally insaney All hail to the Brain-y! Animaniacs! Those are the facts! Iris out, the end. -JW ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Trademarks are the property of Warner Bros., and no threat is intended. This is a parody, so at least _Disney_ can't sue. Original material copyright Jonathan Woodward, woodward@ftp.com. Jonathan Woodward woodward@ftp.com or @io.com http://www.io.com/~woodward/