STAR BORES Episode 4: Ennui Hope Written by Sylvester Fox Based on 'Star Wars: A New Hope' written by George Lucas, (C) 1977 20th Century Fox-Film Corporation This work (C) 1996 Sylvester Fox ----------------- A hearty thanks go out to the following for helping test-read: Matt Bermann 'DotWarner' Jennie Grueber Jamie Kufrovich Richard Manning Daniel Nazar Michael Neylon Without them, this would not be the epic I intended. Enjoy. ----------------- Some time or other, somewhere ... VO: It is a time of civil war. Rebel armies, striking from a secret fortress, have won their first victory against the massive North. Under the command of General Robert E. Lee, -- [Sound of mallet impact off-screen, as if first announcer had just been struck by one.] SLAPPY (voice-over): Wrong movie, ya yutz. Now *ahem*, where were we? Oh, yeah ... [Captions now follow Slappy's reading.] SLAPPY: Yep, civil war in the stars. The Rebels just clobbered one 'a the Empire's posts before they could say 'Huh?'. Not only that, one 'a the Empire's guys dropped a copy 'a the blueprints fer this big space thingy called the 'Eight Ball'. Princess AngeLeia Contessa Louisa Francesca Bana-- eeh, Princess Dot saw 'em on the floor an' snatched 'em up. Now she's hurryin' in her little ship ta get these plans ta someone who can use 'em. [Captions end.] SLAPPY: Big sci-fi feature like this, an' she can't fax the rotten things? Eeh, enough exposition already, I want my paycheck. [A planet lazily drifts into view. Then a Rebel ship, complete with Confederat flag flying from an antenna, darts into view. It's heavily beat up, probably because of the huge Imperial ship that follows it, hammering it with laser blasts.] [Passageway. The ship shakes as the Imperial vessel takes out one of the tires. Two 'robots', Ralph2-D2 and Scratch-3PIO, stagger down the corridor. Ralph2 is wearing an outfit similar to Elmer Fudd's in 'What's Opera Doc?', but without the spear and horns. Also, the suit is coloured white with blue markings. Scratch-3PIO is in bronze plating, wears glasses, and has a thick German accent. Another blast rocks the ship.] SCRATCHY: Oh no, zey've hit ze motor! Ve're doomed! [Rebel troops rush past the robots and take up battle positions, weapons focused on the exterior door at the end.] SCRATCHY: Ve're toast! Vhere's my vill? [Ralph2 responds with a few slurred 'beep's.] SCRATCHY: Und I thot ve'd live to see ze sequels ... [Ralph2 beeps more. Tires squeal outside.] SCRATCHY: Here zey come ... [Imperial stormtroopers, wearing all-white spacesuits (with pink boots and gloves) pour out of the ship parked next to the Rebel cruiser. They rush past the door and to a window a few metres to the side.] [The rebels continue to focus on the door, their backs to the window. Stormtroopers can be seen out it. It opens, and the stormtroopers pour into the passageway. None of the rebels pay any attention to them. The stormtroopers snicker, and one of them walks up behind a rebel trooper.] STORMTROOPER: Boo! [The rebels jump in surprise, then open fire. The stormtroopers respond, with the hapless robots caught in the crossfire.] [Desert landscape, but one lone walnut tree. A lone farm squirrel, Skip Lukewalker, tends to the tree. He has a small robot catching the nuts as he shakes them loose. As he rests for a moment, he notices something flash in the sky. He takes out his binoculars, looks up, and sees nothing. He then looks at his watch, and notices he is late for something. He jumps out of the tree and lands in his nearby car. He whistles at the robot.] SKIP: Hey! Come here! [The robot explodes. Skip shrugs, chalks it up to a poor props budget, and drives off.] [Passageway, floor level. A grim pair of black boots steps forward, accompanied by grim music as they grimly march. Pull back to show the full size of the grim personage clad in black armour, black helmet, black cape, and black facemask. Suddenly, this grim visage trips over something, sending him crashing to the deck. As he does, his facemask flies off revealing a mouse's head peeking above the body. The stormtroopers chuckle, then hastily stop as Pinky Vader rights the Brain- designed suit and glares at them.] PINKY: I meant to do that. Narf! [Pinky Vader picks up his mask, then tosses it aside.] PINKY: Aah ... found those blueprints yet? STORMTROOPER 1: No, Lord Pinky. PINKY: Keep searching then, and don't forget the glove compartment! [Pinky Vader begins to walk away, then trips over something else. He gets up, and notices it is a Rebel officer. He lifts up the hapless officer, who struggles in the mechanical grip.] PINKY: Well, well, hehaha ... tell me where those blueprints are, or ... ahh, I'll ... er, be really mean! OFFICER: Blueprints? What blueprints? We're ... um, ... a freighter, yeah! A freighter. Blueprints? We're carrying bleu cheese! PINKY: Cheese?!? Where? Tell me! [Pinky Vader shakes the officer violently. Stormtrooper 1 then touches Pinky Vader on his shoulder.] STORMTROOPER 1: Lord Pinky, there's no cheese on board ... not even on their cargo manifest. PINKY: No cheese?!? [Pinky Vader turns to the officer angrily.] PINKY: Why, you ... [Pinky Vader angrily tosses the rebel officer out the window. He turns to Stormtrooper 1.] PINKY: You have your orders ... and remember, save me any cheese if you find it! STORMTROOPER 1: And the Princess? PINKY: Rescue her, of course! STORMTROOPER 1: Lord Pinky? We're the bad guys. PINKY: We are? Poit. Well then, um ... bring her to me alive. STORMTROOPER 1: Yes, sir. [The stormtroopers scurry away as Pinky Vader walks back.] [Dark cubbyhole, looking out into another corridor. Scratchy rushes past, Ralph2 labouring after. An arm pokes from the dark, beckoning to Ralph2.] SHADOWY VOICE: Psst! [Ralph2 turns, and notices the hand is now holding a donut. He rushes after it, and sees Dot holding it. She is wearing a white dress that is totally unsuited for space battle. Dot yanks open a drawer on Ralph2's chest.] DOT: Here, take these! [Dot stuffs a bundle marked 'Eight Ball Blueprints' in.] DOT: This too. [She shoves in a videocassette.] DOT: Take these to Oboo-Wan Kenoboo. Got that? RALPH2: Daaah ... DOT: Now scoot! [Dot kicks Ralph2 in the rear, spurning him to action. She smiles, then turns around to run ... and collides with a stormtrooper.] DOT: Something tells me I'm not going to regret taking this role. STORMTROOPER: *You're* going to regret it? I'm one of the bad guys! Odds are I'm gonna get it 'round halfway! [Dot pats the stormtrooper on his helmet.] DOT: There, there, that won't happen ... [Dot pulls out a mallet and flattens the stormtrooper.] DOT: You're gonna get it now. [More stormtroopers pile into the corridor. Dot sees them and screams.] STORMTROOPER 1: There she is! Stun her! [The well-built stormtroopers begin to strut their stuff. Dot looks woozy, wobbling on her feet. Then one of the stormtroopers pulls of his mask ...] STORMTROOPER MEL: Hi, Dot. DOT: Hellloooo, Mel! Ooooooo.... [Dot falls, stunned. Stormtrooper Mel puts his mask back on.] STORMTROOPER MEL: It's a living. STORMTROOPER 1: Tell Lord Pinky we have the Princess. [Yet another corridor, this one decked with lifepods. Ralph2 grabs Scratchy before he can run out of the frame and pulls him to one.] SCRATCHY: Nein nein, zat's for humans only! Ve're robots! [Ralph2 jabbers. Another explosion rocks the corridor. Large hunks of debris fly past.] SCRATCHY: Lemme in! [Both robots clamber in.] [The lifepod zooms away from the Rebel ship.] [Skip's car pulls up, and he hops out.] SKIP: Hey, everyone! There's this big space battle going on! [The room is completely empty. Skip blinks, then shrugs and, hopping into his car, drives off.] [Pinky Vader is amusing himself with a yo-yo from his real hand. Two stormtroopers march Dot into the room, and Pinky hastily resumes his role. Dot looks disdainfully at him.] DOT: Pinky Vader? You're just a mouse in a mechanical suit! PINKY: Oh yeah? Poit! Well, Princess, it is I who has you in my crutches! DOT: That's because I tripped over that beam on the floor. [Pan back. Dot's leg is in a cast, with various stormtroopers' signatures on it.] PINKY: Whatever. Now ... the blueprints! DOT: What blueprints? This is a cheese freighter! PINKY: Ah-ah-ah! You really think I'll fall for that a second time? DOT: Yes! PINKY: Well, then ... show me the cheese! [Pinky Vader lifts Dot.] PINKY: Tell me ... DOT: All right, all right, we're really a Rebel ship carrying stolen plans for the 'Eight Ball'. PINKY: Right, and I'm a lab mouse aiding another for universal conquest. DOT: You are. PINKY: You're not trying that again! Take her away! [Stormtroopers take Dot away. An Imperial officer approaches.] OFFICER: Sir, we couldn't find any blueprints. We did notice a lifepod getting away, though. PINKY: Oh ... ah ... OFFICER: No life signs ... but the blueprints could have been put in there! PINKY: Um ... OFFICER: Should I send stormtroopers to investigate? PINKY: Oh, right! Do that! Poit. [The hazard blinkers on the Rebel ship start flashing as the large Imperial vessel speeds towards the planet.] [Wastelands. Ralph2 and Scratchy are staggering out of the crashed lifepod. Ralph2 drops his donut.] SCRATCHY: Here ve go ... vhere's ze nearest settlement? [Ralph2 dashes off towards some rocky crevices.] SCRATCHY: Vhat?!? Zat's ze wrong vay! [Scratchy rushes after Ralph2.]