From jacjud@istar.ca Thu Oct 31 08:07:53 1996
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From: "Jaime J. Weinman" <jacjud@istar.ca>
Newsgroups: alt.tv.animaniacs
Subject: Shakespeare's "Animaniacs"
Date: 25 Oct 1996 01:15:54 GMT
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This is to be the first in an ongoing series of examples of how 
great writers would have written for "Animaniacs."  (Inspiration was the 
"Bad Hemingway" thread.)  We'll start with Shakespeare because after all 
YWD are great Shakespeare interpreters and I'm sure he'd want to return 
the favour by writng an Animaniacs script.

      				The Comedy of
				  ANIMANIACS

				By William Shakespeare.

Dramatis Personae

YAKKO
WAKKO
DOT
DOCTOR SCRATCHANSNIFF
NURSE

ACT I
Scene I

[The office of Dr. Scratchansniff.
Enter DR. SCRATCHANSNIFF and NURSE.]

DR. SCR.
Th'appointed hour is nigh, and nigher still
Brought by ze ticky-ticky pendulum
Beneath, inside and through time's constant teller.
Zey come!  All barriers will not avail;
For their appointment will the Warners come,
And with the kooky logic of their breed
Sap further all the clarity of mind
Which, once, earth's greatest p-sychiatrist,
I held within my cortex.  Sanity,
O blessed gift that never shall be mine
Whiles from ze unexpected regions pop
Zose puppy-children, with their tales to tell
Und tails to wag.

NURSE
		  That pun becomes you not,
Doctor, but 'tis no matter now--look yonder,
The hand has reach'd its fatal destination,
The cuckoo shrieks its ominous alarm,
And over all the lot now silence falls,
As if to say: "They come!  Away! Away!"
O!  But my nose all cover'd is with dew
That some call perspiration, who are low.
It I must powder to its former state.

[Her compact to obtain she openeth her purse.
Pop out the WARNERS.]

YAK. & WAK.
Hail, fairest nymph of the infirmary!

DOT
Philosophers, with minds of Aristotle
And Socrates in one, forever try
And try in vain, to go fig those uncouth
Creatures call'd "boys."

DR. SCR.
			 This action is uncouth.
Why do ye pop out of a lady's purse?

WAK.
Marry, good Scratchy, is it not more meet
That we do pop out of a lady's purse
Than that we pop out of a man's?

YAK.
				 Mwah! Night
Draws now its shades and leaves the world to Somnus,
All of ye now, adieu.

DOT
		      What does that mean?

YAK.
In future, less linguistic generations,
'Twill boil down to "goodnight, everybody!"

DR. SCR.
Halt ye this foul tormenting!

YAK.
			      Peace, good sir.
Now will we sit thee down upon the couch,
And for thee play a little pantomime,
The tragic tale of Frankie and the Johnny,
With fair Minerva in the Frankie role,
And Mr. Boo, lead man of "The Big Kiss,"
As wrong-doing Johnny.  Also, next to thee
Is seated Bert the Cannibal, our guest
For this performance.  Careful, look you, sir,
He thinketh that 'tis dinner theatre.

DOT
  					Now,
Before the start of these proceedings which
This parody will shamefully neglect,
(Cutting off just before the part that all
Would ope their eyes in wonderment to read)
We sing the tune of "Frankie and the Johnny."

YAK. WAK. DOT.
It was a Frankie 
And the Johnny,
With a hey nonny no and a tiddly-iddly-dee,
The man was lanky,
The maid was bonny,
With a high-fibby-fo and a biddy-middy-wee,
Though love within her burn'd so strong,
Th'ungrateful villain done her wrong,
And, discontented with her lot,
Her faithless lover Frankie shot,
With a dee-dumdy-doo, and ends the song,
Hey, parly-voo, true lovers do no wrong.

WAK.
No more to come?

YAK.
		The rest unwritten still
Must be.

DOT
	 What goes on?

YAK.
			A dispute, I hear:
Shakespeare conflicts with Bacon on this morn
Over creators' rights to all these plays.
	So, as watch we the war of copyright,
	I and my siblings bid ye all goodnight.

[Exeunt, with omnes.]

				Jaime J. Weinman