Return-Path: Received: from freenet.buffalo.edu by piccolo.cco.caltech.edu with ESMTP (8.6.7/DEI:4.41) id RAA21462; Fri, 26 May 1995 17:24:21 -0700 Received: (from ag088@localhost) by freenet.buffalo.edu (8.6.12/8.6.12) id UAA17836; Fri, 26 May 1995 20:24:16 -0400 Date: Fri, 26 May 1995 20:24:16 -0400 Message-Id: <199505270024.UAA17836@freenet.buffalo.edu> From: ag088@freenet.Buffalo.EDU (John C. Obrien) To: bdunn@cco.caltech.edu Subject: Animaniacs Hamlet for Rasputin (LONG!) Reply-To: ag088@freenet.Buffalo.EDU Status: U Hi Brendan... I believe you are the one who runs Rasputin, and you said that authors of Fanfic should send it directly to you. I got some acclaim for this, and it has been modified since I posted it to a.t.a.- more A! characters, and it's very own CRGA entry, so here goes... Flip's Notes Hamlet by John O'Brien, Denver Dash, Moses Fridman, et al. Variable Verse- The Melancholy Dane-y Characters: Student: Skippy Squirrel Concerned Aunt: Slappy Squirrel Flip's Notes Representatives: Yakko, Wakko, & Dot Hamlet: Mel Gibson Claudius: George Bush Polonius: Dr. SNS Horatio: Tinker Laertes: Spartacus Ophelia: Katie Ka-Boom Gertrude: Minerva Mink Rosencrantz: Ralph Guildenstern: Mime Unimportant Guy: Chicken Boo Yorrick: Mr. Skullhead Ghost: The Godpigeon Scenery: Skippy's Bedroom. Skippy sitting on his bed with book. Slappy is at the door. Skippy: No, Aunt Slappy, I haven't finished my Hamlet paper. Slappy: Now, Skippy, what have I told you about homework? SKI: That it's best done with dynamite? SLA: (aside) Smart kid. Maybe too smart. I should stop feeding him Walnut Fig Dough Surprise. (to Skippy) No, Skippy, what I say in front of your parents. SKI: Oh yeah. SLA: Have you even read the play yet? SKI: No, Aunt Slappy. But I'll get it done! [holds up bottle of Bolt Cola, label reads "Twice the sugar and enough caffeine to wire a hippo!" with Flavio and Marita's pictures on it.] SL: Somebody shoot me. [exit] [Skippy starts reading the play, but nods off almost immediately. As soon as he falls asleep, enter the Warner Brothers, and the Warner Sister, all dressed up in Yellow with Black Stripes.] Yakko: [singing] Hello Wakko: [singing] Hello Dot: [singing] Hello SKI: Wha- What? What are you? Why are you here? Y&W: We're the Warner Brothers... DOT: And the Warner Sister. [aside] It's not like he didn't see us in the opening theme. Squirrels. Go fig. SKI: What are you doing in my bedroom? YW&D: [singing] We're agents of Flip's Notes Here to save the day. You need to write that paper, So let's be on our way... Yakko: [aside] Remember, kids, these notes are not a substitute for the text itself, or for classroom discussion of the text, and students who attempt to use them in this way are denying themselves the very education that they are presumably giving their most vital years to achieve.* DOT: What was *that* about? YAK: Standard disclaimer, in case he flunks his paper. SKI: Maybe I should write this myself. YAK: What are you, nuts? I guess you really are what you eat. It's 3 A.M., and you're on Act 1, Scene 2. DOT: And look at this writing! "Peace is a very apoplexy." Apoplexy? This isn't English! [aside] I'm not even sure it's Hamlet. [Dot gives Wakko Skippy's copy of the play, and Wakko promptly eats it.] WAK: Deeee-licious. *Burp* Excuse me. YAK: So here's what you really need. [pulls out yellow and black booklet with FLIP'S NOTES on the cover] Our notes are what great papers are made of. Now pay attention- "The Tragedy of Hamlet, Prince of Denmark, by Billy Shakespeare. WAK: First of all, let's introduce the characters. We'll start with Hamlet, prince of Denmark, son of the late King Hamlet, nephew of King Claudius, and our hero. He talks to himself a lot, you know. [Enter Hamlet] DOT: Helloooooooo, Nurse. HAM: [emoting rather badly] Oh, what a rogue and peasant slave am I that time is out of joint and what a piece of work is man that rises to his ascent... [exit Hamlet] YAK: See what we mean? Next up is Claudius, Hamlet's uncle slash father who killed Hamlet Senior and married his wife to get the throne. [enter Claudius] CLA: Didn't do it. Wouldn't be prudent at this juncture. I was out of that whole assassination loop there. [exit Claudius] DOT: Then we have Polonius, who is kinda like Claudius' P-sychiatrist. [enter Polonius] POL: Vell, vhat majesty should be, vhat duty iz, vhy day iz day, night night, und time iz time, vere nozhing to vaste night, day und time. Zherefore, brevity iz ze soul of vit, your noble son iz mad. WAK: Also appearing... POL: Mad call I it; for to define true madnezz, vhat iz't but to be nozhing elze but mad... WAK: [pulls out mallet and whacks Polonius, exit Polonius mumbling about crazy kids] There, that's better. Also appearing is Horatio, Hamlet's best friend. I'd have him say something, but Polonius took too much time. [enter and exit Horatio] YAK: So here is Laertes, son of Polonius and brother of Ophelia, who doesn't have time to say anything either. LAE: But- DOT: [Jumps in his arms and kisses him] Could you be a dear and hold that thought? Polonius's daughter is called Ophelia. [enter Colin dressed in drag] COL: Ok, you know, one time Randy Beaman's dad killed the king of Scotland because his wife and three witches told him to, but the forest marched on his castle and a man not born of woman came and killed him. 'K Bye. SKI: *Spew* That's not a girl! YAK: Right you are! In Shakespeare's day, women's roles were played by young boys. SKI: But I want a woman! YAK & WAK: Me too! DOT: I know! [exit Colin and enter Ophelia, who curtsies and exits.] DOT: Then there is Gerturde, Queen of Denmark and mother of Hamlet. [enter Gertrude] YAK WAK & SKI: Hellooooooooo Nurse! [all three begin panting] DOT: [starts to say something, then stops] Never mind. GER: [approaches Skippy and flirts with him] You don't *really* think there's anything wrong with marrying your late husband's brother, do you? [exit] SKI: ahummahummahumma... WAK: [shaking his head and leering at Gertrude] Next are Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. [ENTER ROS & GUI] SKI: They die, right? YAK: Careful kid- we're telling this story! They're unimportant, anyway. They're only here for comic effect. ROS: Duh. Uh, hi there! [Guildenstern waves] [exit Ros & Gui] DOT: Next are a whole slew of really unimportant characters, who will be played by one Unimportant Guy. [Chicken Boo enters, pecks around a bit, clucks, and leaves.] SKI: But he's a giant chicken! DOT: No he's not. SKI: He's a chicken I tell you, a giant chicken! DOT: Do you want our help or not? [pouts] Now let's begin... YAK: And now [cut to WAK doing drum roll] Act I. Our story begins with mostly unimportant stuff. Two whole months after his father's funeral Hamlet is still wearing black in mourning. WAK: What does he wear in the afternoon? YAK: Polka-dot. WAK: Polka-dot? DOT: [sighs] O.k., but only once- we really overdid this in "King Yakko." [DOT and WAK polka, YAK plays accordion] YAK: So anyway, Hamlet just walks around talking to himself about melting flesh... SKI: *Speeeeeeeew!* YAK: ...Meanwhile Polonius and Ophelia are saying goodbye to Laertes, who is going to France. [enter POL, OPH, and LAE] POL: Neither a borrower nor a lender be, und above all elze, to zhine own zelf be true. Yikes! [sees WAK coming with mallet, exit POL, OPH, LAE] YAK: [to WAK] Good job, Wakko. [to SKI] Later Hamlet, Horatio, and our Unimportant Guy stalk a ghost that's been rumored to roam the castle wall. [cut to castle wall, where HAM, HOR, and UG are walking in circles. HOR is mumbling to HAM about UG being a "giant chicken"] SKI: Why would they do that? YAK: Apparently they've always wanted to appear on "Unsolved Mysteries." [Ghost enters, Godpigeon music is played. He follows the three around in circles, then comes up and taps Hamlet on the shoulder] GHO: [indecipherable mumbles, subtitles: Boo!] HAM: [jumps] Yeargh! HOR: Look my lord, it comes! HAM: [dryly] Thanks. [To Ghost] Dad? [exit HOR and UG] GHO: [subtitles: Murder- murder most foul.] HAM: Murder? I know- Colonel Mustard, with the lead pipe, in the billiard room! GHO: [subtitles: We don't have a billiard room! And it was Claudius.] HAM: Claudius? My uncle slash father? GHO: [subtitles: slash victim! {pats HAM on shoulder} Go get 'em son.] [exit Ghost and HAM] YAK: So Hamlet sets out to kill his evil uncle Claudius. SKI: [typing on keyboard] Yes! Yes! Aunt Slappy will be so proud. This is great stuff. I'm a genius. [Warners give withering looks.] WAK: And now Act II. [skims through several pages] Hey! This is mostly unimportant stuff. I never get to get any good acts! [sighs heavily] So Ophelia reports dutifully that Hamlet has an "antic disposition"... SKI: A what? YAK: In other words, he's a few acts short of a full play. WAK: ...Polonius suggest that Hamlet is madly in love for his daughter. Some actors arrive and Hamlet requests they do "The Murder of Gonzaga" DOT: Wasn't he a muppet? I didn't know he was dead! YAK: No, Dot, that was Gonzo. I think this was a type of bean. WAK: Anyway [flips several pages] Hamlet talks to himself some more... [Flips more pages] Ah, here we go, act III... SKI: What! That's it? That's Act II? I don't know about this... YAK: Trust us. [Warners give big grins.] DOT: Act III, and Hamlet is talking to himself again. He should see a p-sychiatrist about that. [enter HAM, back to camera] HAM: To pee, or not to pee. That is the question. Whether is nobler in the bladder to suffer the agony of holding it in, or to let loose, and by urination, end this dreadful potty emergency. YAK: Man, does *HE* have a potty mouth... literally. DOT: That, or he's still obsessed with that Logic 101 course he took at Wittenberg. [Goodfeathers walk across the stage] Squit: Something is rotten in the state of Denmark! Pesto: What did you say? Did you say I'm rotten? Squit: No, Pesto, I didn't say that. I said SOMETHING is rotten... Pesto: What, am I some banana that no one ate in time that sat in the sun until it turned all black and mushy, here to amuse you? Squit: No I didn't say that... Pesto: That's it!!!!!!!! [Typical Goodfeather fight scene. The commotion goes off camera.] WAK: Do you think the censors will let us get away with this scene? DOT: Not a chance. [exit HAM] DOT: Meanwhile, Claudius is getting suspicious about Hamlet's insanity. Hamlet has finally decided to avenge his dad's foul and most unnatural murder, but misses the chance while Claudius is talking to himself in a church. Finally, Gertrude send for her son, and Polonius hides behind an arras to spy on them. [cut to GER's room. POL hiding behind a shower curtain with Lisa Marie Presley's image on it] GER: [flirting outrageously] Now, son, you really have gotten you father upset. HAM: No mom, *You've* got Dad upset. GER: [flustered, unaccustomed to being rebuffed, but it *is* Mel Gibson] Now you shouldn't talk to your mother like that... HAM: With a mom like you, 'tis no wonder this family belongs on Oprah! POL: Yelp! DOT: When Hamlet hears Polonius' cry, he thinks it's Claudius. HAM: Aha! A rat! [enter Pinky and the Brain] Brain: We are *not* rats. We are laboratory mice with a plan to take over the world. HAM: [ignoring Brain, pulls out mallet] To beat, or not to beat? [tosses mallet, pulls sword and stabs shower curtain.] POL: I die. Gak! [enter Ghost] GHO: [subtitles: That's the wrong guy.] HAM: Wrong guy? Rats? Brain: Not Rats! Mice! You and Pinky must have descended from the same gene pool. Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering? Pinky: *Narf!* I think so, Brain, but I don't think I'm quite ready for the role of King Lear quite yet. [GER, HAM, Ghost, Pinky, and Brain all exit] YAK: And now Act IV. Hamlet won't say where he hid the body, and Claudius is getting concerned about Hamlet killing off the castle staff. So he sends his nephew slash son to England, where he is supposed to be killed. Um [flips through several pages] This doesn't really add anything to the play [flips more pages] something about Fortinbras [flips some more] OK, here we go. Sometimes you feel like a nut. [enter Ophelia holding a daisy] Ophelia does, having cracked under the strain of her father's death. OPH: He loves me, he loves me not. He loves me, he loves me not. He loves me, *chomp* [eats head off daisy.] YAK: Laertes returns from France to avenge his pop's murder, and makes some snide comments about Euro-Disney. Claudius assures him that they would never let Michael Eisner build a theme park in Denmark, and that Hamlet would be taken care of. When they learn that Hamlet is still alive and is coming back, they plan a fencing match with poison rapiers, poison daggers, poison drinks, poison gas, poison ivy... [at each reference, Wakko and Dot hold up and example. For Poison Ivy, Wakko holds up Drew Barrymore.] You get the idea. All of this is too much for Ophelia, who overreacts... OPH: [turning into monster] I am NOT overreacting. I AM A TEEN-AGER! YAK: ... and does a two and a half gainer with a twist into the river, and stays there. [OPH disappears offscreen. There is a splashing sound.] OPH: Glub glub. CHORUS: Her family knows that any time soon Their little lady Ophelia goes KER-PLUNK! Dr. McCoy: [Beams in] She's dead Jim. [Beams out.] [message on Screen: Gratuitous Star Trek Reference # 316.] Wakko: And now, Act V. [enter HAM, carrying Mr. Skullhead's head, with HOR] HAM: Alas, poor Yorick. I knew him, Horatio. YAK: Aaaaaaah- you know sibs, we've already done this scene. DOT: And much funnier too. YAK: Let's move on, shall we? [Enter CLA, GER, and LAE and UG carrying coffin marked "Ophelia"] GER: Sweets to the sweet. [starts to toss flowers, but keeps them] But there's no one sweeter than me. [hums "It's Not Pretty Being Me."] LAE: How I loved you sis! HAM: I loved her more than you did! LAE: Did not! HAM: Did too! LAE: Did not! HAM: Did too! LAE&HAM: Not! Too! Not! Too! CLA: [interceding] Nope! Not gonna do it. Not gonna solve the problem like this. Gonna hafta draw that line in the sand there, solve this like men. Gonna hafta fight over her. [HAM and LAE nod, and do a quick change into fencing outfits. LAE take his sword and dips it in a bottle of poison. CLA takes poison and pours it into a beer bottle.] UG: B'Bawk? HOR: [reading paper DENMARK TODAY with Headlines "Murder Most Foul" and "Fortinbras invade Poland"] The odds? Danny Sheridan has Laertes minue three hits. CLA: [to Hamlet] If you get the first hit son, you can have this bottle of Elsinore Beer! [cut to Bob and Doug MacKenzie, holding up a bottle] Bob: Our favorite, eh? [exit Bob and Doug] [HAM and LAE fight. HAM nicks LAE] HAM: Gotcha! CLA: Here Hamlet, drink! [offers bottle] HAM: Y'know Claudius, I'm still underage. GER: I'll drink it! [grabs bottle] I just get so hot watching men fight. CLA: No! [she drinks] Bad! Bad! Scary! [More fighting. Mindy walks in on them.] Mindy: Watcha doin', Mr. Man? HAM: Having a duel. Mindy: Why? HAM: Because Laertes thinks I insulted his honor. Mindy: Why? HAM: Because I've spent the last 4 acts acting crazy and killed his dad and then his sister drowned herself. Mindy: Why? HAM: Beats me. Plot advancement? Mindy: OK, I luvya, bye bye! [exit Mindy. Enter Buttons, looking frazzled. He bumps into a suit of armor, and predictably the axe falls. Surprisingly, it misses him. Exit Buttons with a whimper.] [Fight continues. HAM accidently stabs an associate producer. While his back is turned, LAE stabs him. HAM pulls out the sword and stabs LAE] HAM: To bleed, or not to bleed... GER: Poison! Gak! [keels over] LAE: It was all your wicked uncle slash father's idea! Gak! HAM: I should've done this four acts ago. [stabs CLA] CLA: Would've worked if not for that pesky kid. Gak! HAM: I die, Horatio. HOR: Now there's a surprise. Hey, can I have the castle? HAM: Gak! HOR: Good night, sweet prince... SKI: [eyes watering] But they're all... WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! YAK: That's what Hamlet's about kid, everybody dies. [HOR, UG keel over with a "Gak!"] SKI: Rosencrantz and Guildenstern? DOT: Are dead! Everybody dies! SKI: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! YAK: I think our job here is done. Let's go, sibs. [exit Warners, enter Slappy] SLA: So, did you finish your paper? SKI: [sniffling] Uh huh, but they're all... SLA: Remember Bumbie's Mom- they're actors. See? [Dead bodies get up and walk off. ] SKI: Oh. [brightening] Cool play then. SLA: [picks up copy of Flip's Notes on floor, and gives SKI a knowing wink.] Now that's comedy. [Cut to park, enter Warners] YAK: It's that time again! DOT: To point out blatant plagarism in the Lion King? WAK: To watch the nude scene in Romeo & Juliet? Helloooooo Nurse! YAK: No, it's time to learn the day's lesson. And to do that we must consult the Wheel of Morality. DOT & WAK: AiEEEEEEEEEE! YAK: Wheel of Morality turn, turn, turn. Tell us the lesson we should learn. Moral number seven: If you can't stand the heat, you've got Ben Gay in your underwear. *M'WAH* Goodnight everybody! DOT: That's so true. WAK: *BURP* [enter Ralph, still dressed as Rosencrantz. He chases them off] Kathryn Page credit: Crumpet Eater. THE END. -- MATZ'S MAXIM: A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. HAWKINS' THEORY OF PROGESS: Progress does not consist in replacing a theory that is wrong with one that is right. It consists in replacing a theory that is wrong with one that is more subtly wrong. from MURPHY'S LAW BOOK TWO