LITTLE GREEN SQUIRREL HAT Based upon 'Little Red Riding Hood' This parody 1996 Sylvester Fox --------------- Once upon a time, in a galaxy far, *KLANG* [The Warners are running amok in their normal hyperactive fashion: anvils, mallets, safes, projectiles, pies, trains, whatever is around is either being ridden, shot, dropped, thrown, detonated, or painted. Fade from this to:] [Start on the Shield-door, then pull back, showing the Tower shaking, sides denting from stray mallets, anvils, warheads, pies, et cetera. Noise can still be heard. Eventually the shot shows the frame of an open window, until the camera shows:] [Camera pulls back revealing Thaddeus Plotz looking out the window at the shaking watertower. Continue until Dr Otto Scratchensniff comes into view, seated in front of Plotz's desk. Plotz turns towards him.] PLOTZ: THOSE WARNER BROTHERS ARE MAKING TOO MUCH RACKET! SCRATCHENSNIFF, I WANT YOU TO GET THOSE KIDS QUIET. I DON'T CARE HOW YOU DO IT, JUST DO IT! SCRATCHENSNIFF: [cowering] Ah, yes, T. P. Eh heh heh ... [turns to doorway] MISS NURSE! [Hello Nurse enters the office.] HELLO NURSE: Yes, Doctor? SCRATCHENSNIFF: Now, Miss Nurse, ze CEO und I haff an important job for you ... HELLO NURSE: What? SCRATCHENSNIFF: Ve vant you to go out to ze vatertower und calm down ze Varners! HELLO NURSE: [shocked] But sir ... PLOTZ: No 'but's, Miss Nurse! You are the one who can get them to stop this racket, so GET OUT THERE! [Hello Nurse looks out at the watertower, then back at Scratchensniff. She sighs, hands him a document marked 'Will', and trudges off accompanied by a funeral march.] [Hello Nurse appears as she finishes climbing the ladder. She looks with trepidation upon the door, then presses the doorbell.] [The Warners continue running amok, when the doorbell is heard over the din.] WARNERS: I'll get it! [The Warners dash toward the door in a wild melee.] YAKKO: [points away] The phone! I'll get it! WAKKO and DOT: I'll get it! [They rush off to the phone, but realize that it is not ringing. Yakko turns to the door.] [The door opens. Yakko leans out, and performs an 'erection take'.] YAKKO: Hellllooooo, nurse! [Yakko pulls the nurse inside.] [Dot and Wakko look at Yakko.] DOT: Who was it? YAKKO: Just the mailman. He had our package from the 'Nurse of the Month' club. [Yakko gestures to the dazed Hello Nurse standing behind him. Wakko's tongue unrolls as his eyes go swimmy.] DOT: So, what'd ya do t'get sent up here? HELLO NURSE: The CEO and Dr Scratchensniff want me to calm you down ... YAKKO: [leering] You're gonna put us all to bed? HELLO NURSE: That's a good idea! All of you, go upstairs ... YAKKO: All of us? *Mwah!* G'night everybody! [The Warners are preparing for bed. They head over to their single bed (c.f. 'The Sound of Warners'), and Hello Nurse arrives to tuck them in.] HELLO NURSE: Now, I'm going to go now. You be good children, OK? WARNERS: OK. [Follow Hello Nurse as she walks away. She reaches the main room, the door in sight.] HELLO NURSE: That was easy ... [As she reaches for the doorknob, she cringes as she hears the Warners crying *very* loudly. She rushes back to the bedroom.] HELLO NURSE: What's the matter? WARNERS: We want a story! HELLO NURSE: A story? DOT: Yeah! [Hello Nurse pulls up a chair and sits next to the bed, on Yakko's side.] HELLO NURSE: Whatever shall I read? WAKKO: I know! How about 'Moby Dick'? YAKKO: What, that old whale? DOT: A fairy tale! YAKKO: What'cha want her to do, bore us to sleep? HELLO NURSE: OK ... how about 'Little Red Riding Hood'? YAKKO: No way! HELLO NURSE: Huh? DOT: It's been done to death. WAKKO: I know! [Wakko reaches into his turtleneck.] WAKKO: How about this one? [He pulls out a book, and hands it to Hello Nurse.] HELLO NURSE: 'Little Green Slappy Hat'? WARNERS: Uh huh ... YAKKO: [camera aside] Hey, she narrates ours, we narrate hers. HELLO NURSE: OK ... [opening book] Once upon a time, in a galaxy far, -- DOT: We did that joke already. Get on with the story. HELLO NURSE: Oh. Anyway, once upon a time ... [The screen does a wavy dissolve into:] HELLO NURSE: [voice-over] There once lived an old squirrel. [Slappy is unceremoniously dumped into the shot, minus hat and purse.] HELLO NURSE: She was a happy little squirrel. SLAPPY: Yeah, right. HELLO NURSE: Whenever she would go outside, she would wear a little green derby ... [Slappy's hat falls and lands on her head. She adjusts it.] HELLO NURSE: Naturally, everyone started calling her 'Little Green Squirrel Hat'. SLAPPY: I should'a known havin' someone who always wears a nurse's uniform narratin' my story'd be a bad idea. [Walter is seen munching on a loaf of bread.] HELLO NURSE: One day, Little Green Squirrel Hat decided to take some goodies to her sick nephew who lived in the next quaint little village. [Slappy enters the scene, now carrying her purse.] SLAPPY: Hold on there, Mother Goose. Since when'd Skippy move out? [turns to Walter] Hey, what, you're supposed ta be my 'Big Bad Wolf'? WALTER: No, you stupid squirrel! I told the writers I'm your greatest villain, but no-o-o, they said they wanted 'the nastiest villain you've ever faced'! I'm just getting breakfast before stopping by the Three Little Goodfeathers' story. HELLO NURSE: Can I continue? [Slappy and Walter trade a look.] WALTER: Narrators. SLAPPY: Could be worse. WALTER: How? HELLO NURSE: Suddenly, Little Green Squirrel Hat's friend the wolf was hit by a stampeding horde of bison. [Walter is hit by a stampeding horde of bison.] SLAPPY: Like that. HELLO NURSE: As I was saying, Little Green Squirrel Hat scurried around the kitchen, gathering sweet things she knew her nephew would like. SLAPPY: Hmmm ... buttermilk, check. Candy corn, check. Ah, here it is -- walnut fig dough surprise! HELLO NURSE: She put them all into her little pink purse and bid good day to her friend the wolf. SLAPPY: I'll send somethin' ta yer hospital room. HELLO NURSE: With that, she started her journey to her nephew's house far away. [Slappy slings on a red cape and walks out the door.] [Slappy exits from a quaint little hut and steps into the street. She looks around, then frowns.] SLAPPY: What, I'm walkin' all the way over? For the love 'a ... [Slappy storms off-screen.] [Slappy is walking down the path as Hello Nurse begins her narration.] HELLO NURSE: Little Green Squirrel Hat merrily skipped her way down the path. SLAPPY: Not with this hip, sister. HELLO NURSE: When suddenly, she met ... [Candie Chipmunk emerges from a side-path.] CANDIE: Why, hel-LO, Slappy! SLAPPY: What?!? [Candie walks up to Slappy.] CANDIE: I see you're all dressed for your role as the charming Little Red Riding Hood. SLAPPY: What about it? CANDIE: You look just a-dor-able in that red cape, you know? [Slappy is going through a slow burn.] CANDIE: Of course, everyone knows *I* would have been a better choice for the *starring* role ... SLAPPY: They put you in, the producers'd have ta include a tube 'a toothpaste with each episode. CANDIE: [giggling sweetly] Well, I know you'll just have a *wonderful* time as the sweet little girl. See you round! [Candie dashes off.] SLAPPY: Gimme Ned Flanders any day ... [Slappy starts walking off. Close-up on her head as she goes. The *crunch* of squashed characters is heard, and we see her look down in surprise. Pull back to show Pinky and the Brain in 'Spell-Bound' costumes under Slappy's foot. Slappy lifts her foot off the mice.] SLAPPY: Hey, you two, you're ruinin' my cartoon! BRAIN: Your cartoon? This is our production, if I am not mistaken. SLAPPY: Not this time, noodle noggin. It's my fairy tale now. PINKY: I love that name! 'Noodle noggin'! Bwahaha *zort*! [The Brain whacks Pinky with Merlin's wand.] PINKY: Ow! SLAPPY: Thanks. Now git! BRAIN: Come, Pinky. We have a world to conquer! [The mice walk away, Pinky staggering slightly. Slappy yells after them.] SLAPPY: You two'd better not cut my Social Security! [to camera] I give it ta Skippy fer allowance. What'd ya expect me ta do with $25? [Slappy walks away.] [Slappy walks from far away, in her normal manner. She continues until she encounters an odd-looking, yet somewhat familiar statue. A pigeon is perched at the top.] SLAPPY: Hey, what's this? PESTO: It's a statue made of straw. SLAPPY: Straw?!? PESTO: Yeah, straw. What, you're the Big Bad Wolf? [laughing] They tell me 'Big Bad Wolf', they send me 'Fat Old Squirrel'! [Slappy sneers as Pesto continues laughing.] SLAPPY: Ya know what they say about folks who perch on straw statues? PESTO: What? SLAPPY: Run. [Slappy pulls out a flame-thrower, takes aim, and fires. The statue goes up nicely, leaving Pesto crisped. He falls to ground level.] SLAPPY: You remind me of a bad accident at KFC. PESTO: What did you call me? Do I look like an accident? Am I a collection of automotive debris and broken glass here to amuse you? Is that what yer sayin'?!? [POV Pesto as Slappy leans down to him.] SLAPPY: Yeah. What about it? [Normal Shot. Slappy's nose is centimetres from Pesto's beak. Pesto for once looks scared.] PESTO: Um, nothing, Slappy, just checkin' ... ah, bye! [Pesto flies off quickly.] SLAPPY: What a yutz. [Slappy resumes walking. After a few dozen metres, she comes across another statue, this one similar to the first in depiction, but obviously wooden. Another pigeon is sitting on it.] SLAPPY: Gee, how many fairy tales are we gonna cram inta this piece 'a hackery? Eeh ... little pigeon, little pigeon, let me in. BOBBY: Are you talkin' to me? SLAPPY: Yeah. Lemme in, there ain't no rest stops between here an' Skippy's. BOBBY: Uh-uh, you can't use the restroom without paying for something. SLAPPY: What? You ain't even got anythin' out here fer sale! BOBBY: Then I guess you can't use the restroom, then. SLAPPY: And just what am I paying for? BOBBY: All proceeds go to the Godpigeon Trust. SLAPPY: Hope yer covered fer damages. BOBBY: And why is this? [Slappy pulls out an axe. Close-up of Bobby as the statue shakes to the sound of chopping. The shaking eventually stops. No noise for a while, then Slappy sighs with relief, accompanied with the sound of a toilet flushing. Resume shot of statue, with a hole chopped in the front. Slappy steps from the hole.] SLAPPY: Thanks, chum. Here's a dime. [Slappy tosses a dime to Bobby, then walks away. Close-up of Bobby as he catches the dime, then the stuatue shakes again. Resume statue shot as it collapses.] BOBBY: Badda bing, this is not good. [This statue is of the familiar stone. Squit is perched on its head, looking through a script marked 'Little Green Squirrel Hat'. He looks quite nervous. Slappy enters the scene.] SLAPPY: Hey up there! SQUIT: Aaaa! Don't hurt me! SLAPPY: Hey, hey, cool it, bird. SQUIT: I know who you are! You're the Old Fat Squirrel! You'll blow down my statue! SLAPPY: Hey, I ain't blowin' down nothin'. 'Sides, yer the third pigeon, remember? [Squit blinks, then brightens up.] SQUIT: Hey, that's right! You can't blow down a stone statue! SLAPPY: There ya go. I ain't gonna blow ya down. [Slappy pulls a little remote control from her purse.] SQUIT: What's that for? SLAPPY: Look. [Squit looks down, to see that the statue is lined with explosives. He grins very nervously.] SQUIT: You don't really want to blow up my statue, do you? [Slappy smirks.] SLAPPY: Actually ... no. [Squit sighs with relief.] SLAPPY: See ya at the next staff party. [Slappy walks away. Follow Slappy as she continues. She idly tosses the remote unit behind her. A loud explosion is heard, the wind from which blows her fur forward and her hat off. She puts it back on.] SLAPPY: Whoops. Hehaheh. SQUIT: [smouldering] Thanks, Slappy ... oogh. HELLO NURSE: Meanwhile, Little Green Squirrel Hat's rival Candie had already arrived in Skippy's village ... [Candie walks angrily down a street.] CANDIE: Steal my role, will you, Slappy? We'll see about *that*! [She continues down the street until reaching a house. The mailbox out front reads 'S. Squirrel'.] CANDIE: Well, what do we have here? HELLO NURSE: Seeing Skippy's house gave her an idea on how to get back at Little Green Squirrel Hat. [Candie giggles, then skips up the path to the front door. She knocks on the door lightly.] CANDIE: Knock knock! [The door opens, showing Skippy. He is dressed, oddly enough, as a 'granny'. He speaks as if he had a cold, or the flu.] SKIPPY: Yes? Oh, you ... CANDIE: Hi there little squirrel. Are you sick? [Skippy coughs a few times.] SKIPPY: If you're county social services, there's a very good reason I'm dressed like this ... CANDIE: Your Aunt Slappy sent me over here to give you *this*! [Candie reaches into a pocket and hands Skippy what looks like tickets. His face brightens up. SKIPPY: All-day passes for 'Pinkyworld'? Wow! [Skippy dashes away quickly, leaving his clothes behind.] HELLO NURSE: After getting rid of Skippy, Candie put on his clothes, settled in his bed, and waited for Little Green Squirrel Hat. [Candie does just that, the camera following her inside to the bed. As she snugs in, she smiles evilly.] CANDIE: Oh, I'll get that miserable old squirrel! [Walter peeks in from off-shot, wearing various medical apparatus.] WALTER: It's bad enough you stole my role, now stop stealing my lines! [Walter swings a crutch at Candie. She yawns, and presses a button. The floor beneath Walter opens up, and he looks pleadingly at the camera before falling. After the screen shakes from his impact, a voice from the depths is heard.] BALONEY: Another playmate? Just for me? Yum yum doodle dum! WARNERS: AAAAAA! THE LUMPY THING! HELLO NURSE: Ssh, calm down! It's only a story. HELLO NURSE: Little Green Squirrel Hat's friend the wolf fell into a pit inhabited by the vilest creature known. [Walter screams. He leaps out of the pit, followed by Baloney's head. He repeatedly clubs Baloney with the crutch, then runs off screaming in terror. Candie walks over to Baloney.] CANDIE: Very good, Baloney, but try to catch them before they hit. BALONEY: Why thank you, Candie! I just love this job. Yum dum doodle dum! But why must I stay in the pit? CANDIE: Don't you like surprises? BALONEY: Yes indeed I do! CANDIE: Well, you're here as a surprise for my friend Slappy Squirrel. Now, she's been a bit cranky lately, so I want you to be *extra* cheerful for her, OK? BALONEY: OK! Bluhahaha! [Baloney sinks back into the pit, and the floor closes once again. Candie gets back in the bed.] CANDIE: Prepare for some wholesome family entertainment, Slappy! HELLO NURSE: By now, Little Green Squirrel Hat had finally gotten to her nephew's little village. [Slappy enters the town, peering at the signs for directions. She slowly makes her way to Skippy's house.] HELLO NURSE: Knowing her nephew was not well, but not knowing the evil within, she knocked on the door. [Slappy knocks on the door.] SLAPPY: HEY, SKIPPY! CANDIE: [from inside] Come in! Whoops ... [clears throat, then speaks as closely to Skippy's voice s she can] Come in, Aunt Slappy! [Slappy shakes her head at the camera as she opens the door.] [Slappy walks in. She looks at the bed, where Candie is doing her best to look like a little brown squirrel instead of a cute lavendar chipmunk. Slappy looks unimpressed.] SLAPPY: Eeh, here we go with the 'What a big nose you've got!' routine. [She walks over to the bed. Candie looks up to her.] SLAPPY: Hey there. CANDIE: [poorly imitating Skippy] Hi, Aunt Slappy! [Slappy pulls up a chair and sits by the bed.] SLAPPY: My, my, what big eyes you've got! CANDIE: The better to watch your old cartoons with, Aunt Slappy! SLAPPY: I told ya ta sit further back from the TV. In fact, looks like the radiation from that thing's changin' yer fur colour. CANDIE: Huh? SLAPPY: Just wait right there. [Slappy pulls out a can of paint marked 'Brown', a paint roller, and a paintbrush. Candie blinks in confusion. Slappy yanks the covers off of Candie, then lifts her up. Camera stays on Slappy as her arms move. Sounds of a poor paint-job being applied are heard off-screen, along with Candie's protests.] SLAPPY: There ya go. Ya look much better now. [Pan over to Candie. The granny clothes are off (no drooling, she was unclothed in 'I Got Yer Can'), and she is sitting on the bed. Brown paint drips off of her fur, and her face shows a little shock, as well as hiding her anger. The paint looks to have been applied hastily and poorly, as various brown splotches on the bed can attest to.] CANDIE: Um, thank you, Aunt Slappy ... SLAPPY: Yeesh, ya must'a been sicker'n I thought -- yer tail's shrunk! CANDIE: Huh? [Slappy turns Candie so her back (and tail) are to Slappy. She tugs on Candie's tail.] SLAPPY: I'll get this back ta normal. This won't hurt a bit. [to camera] It'll hurt a *lot*. [Again centre shot on Slappy. She puts her leg up, bracing her foot on Candie's back, and heaves with all her might. The sounds of a 'toon being stretched against her will are heard. Slappy smiles, and wipes her hands off.] SLAPPY: There ya go, kiddo. [Again, pan over to Candie. Her tail is stretched out about two metres. She turns to look at it, and barely holds back tears.] SLAPPY: Still one more thing wrong with ya ... them teeth're too big! CANDIE: [hurriedly] No, you don't understand ... [Slappy pulls out a power sander from her purse.] CANDIE: I'm a growing chi-- er, squirrel! [Slappy looks closely at Candie. Candie sweats visibly.] SLAPPY: Yer sure yer not Candie Chipmunk? CANDIE: Scout's honour! [Slappy smirks at the screen.] SLAPPY: OK. [tosses away sander] Well, here's that stuff ya asked fer. [Slappy reaches into her purse, and pulls out a box. Candie eagerly takes it.] CANDIE: For me? Thank you, Aunt Slappy! SLAPPY: Yeah, don't mention it. [Slappy starts to walk away as Candie opens the box. She looks inside. POV Candie as the box is shown to contain an empty Acme Diet Walnut Soda can. Return to shot of Candie's head. She does a quick slow-burn, burning off the paint.] CANDIE: That's it! Prepare to eat it, Slappy! [Candie hurls the box aside and rushes at Slappy. She stops in front of her as she notices Slappy just standing. She looks down, and notices the trap-door is open. She looks at the camera, then screams as she falls.] SLAPPY: Wonder what sort 'a trap she's got down there. BALONEY'S VOICE: Wow! Candie! I've been wanting to play with you ever since you hired me! CANDIE: AAAAAAA! BALONEY: Aww, you're hurt. I know! Let's play pretend paramedics! WheeOooEeeOoo ... [Slappy smirks at the pit.] SLAPPY: They make such a cute couple. Hehaheh! HELLO NURSE: And that's how Little Green Squirrel Hat took care of the spiteful chipmunk. The end. SLAPPY'S VOICE: Wait a minute. HELLO NURSE: Huh? SLAPPY: What happened ta Skippy? HELLO NURSE: Um ... WAKKO'S VOICE: He got chased home by Godzilla? [Skippy runs past.] SKIPPY: Heeeeelp! [A reptillian foot walks through the shot, attached to Godzilla. A loud roar is heard.] SLAPPY: Nice try. YAKKO'S VOICE: He tried crawling under a freshly-painted fence and was asked out on a date by Pepe Le Pew? [Skippy once again runs through screaming for help, this time with a white stripe along his back and tail, and pursued by Pepe Le Pew.] SLAPPY: This is sad. HELLO NURSE: I know! He came back from PinkyWorld with arms full of souveniers for his dear aunt! [Skippy re-enters from the side he first ran in from, arms full of souveniers, prizes, et cetera.] SKIPPY: Aunt Slappy! I just had the bestest time at PinkyWorld! Thanks for sending me those tickets! [Skippy bounds into Slappy's arms.] SKIPPY: Where'd you ever get them from? SLAPPY: Eeh, I knew someone who wasn't gonna be usin' 'em anytime soon. SKIPPY: Could ya tell 'im thanks for me? SLAPPY: Sure, next time I'm at the looney bin. [Candie bursts from the trapdoor and runs screaming. Baloney climbs out, and starts running after her.] BALONEY: [laughing stupidly] I just *love* playing 'Tag'! I'm 'it'! [He runs off-screen. Skippy looks on surprisedly. Iris out on Slappy, then she pulls the iris open.] SLAPPY: Now *that's* comedy! [Iris out.]