The Animaniac's Guide to the Galaxy by Mike Marsh with thanks to Ron O'Dell, Austin George Loomis, David Geis, Greg Demetrick, and of course Douglas Adams and John Lloyd. Animaniacs characters are owned by Warner Bros. Douglas Adams voices no objections to this work. Opening Shot: view of galaxy, spinning at an exagerated rate NARRATOR (voice of Colin): One time, OK see one time there was this galaxy, and it was really big, and there were lots of people in it who were really unhappy. So what they did was give each other little green pieces of paper, even though the little green pieces of paper weren't unhappy, but they gave them to each other anyway. They spent lots of time trying to figure out why no one was happy, until one day, Randy Beaman's cousin was sitting by herself in a cafe when she finally figured it all out. Dissolve to picture of THE BOOK slowly over the course of the next spoken part. NARRATOR: But this isn't her story, it's the story of a book called the _Animaniac's Guide to the Galaxy_, which is a really popular book that a lot of people read because it has lots of neat information in it and says "Panic" on the cover in large, threatening letters. Hold on book for a few seconds, then dissolve back to galaxy shot, zooming in first on one of the spiral arms, then to the solar system, then the Earth, and finally on the Burbank Warner Bros. Studio lot. Again, the zoom is completed with the next bit of narration. NARRATOR: So, OK, the story starts on a small planet in the Western spiral arm of the Galaxy. This planet was so behind everywhere else, that they still thought cellular phones were pretty neat. SCENE ONE Studio gate. RALPH stands in his booth, scratching his head and looking confused. PLOTZ stands by, glaring at SCRATCHANSNIFF, who lies in a fetal position in front of the entrance. A line of expensive-looking cars has formed at the entrance, and occasional car horns can be heard. PLOTZ: Face it, Scratchansniff, you can't lie here forever. You'll have to get up eventually. SCRATCH: I'm game. Ve'll zee who goes bankrupt virst! PLOTZ: But I don't understand what the problem is. You get a good salary, not to mention the benefits, so why are you trying to shut down the studio? SCRATCH: It's doze crazy kids! Dey are driving me kooky! Nothing dey do makes any zense. PLOTZ: But you're the studio psychiatrist. It's your job to deal with screwballs. SCRATCH: I don't care anymore. I refuse to vork vith de Varners! PLOTZ shruggs his shoulders and moves over to the booth, where he starts talking to RALPH. We do not hear their conversation. Off the left side of the frame, we see YAKKO poke his head out, looking at SCATCHANSNIFF. He pulls his head back off the screen, and pops out fully, leaping over to where SCRATCHANSNIFF lies on the ground. YAKKO: What's up, Doc? SCRATCH: Go avay und leave me alone, you crazy... Vhat *are* you kidzes, anyvay? YAKKO: What would you say if I told you we were aliens from a small planet in the vicinity of Betelgeuse, and not Burbank? SCRATCH: I don't know. Is it somesing you're likely to zay? YAKKO: Listen, Scratchie, my sibs are going to be along any minute to pick us up. SCRATCH: Vhy? Vhere are ve going? YAKKO: Planet 10. No really, we have to ditch this dirt ball. You see, it's about to be blown to bits by a Pigeon Destructor Fleet, as part of a colossal special effect for a major blockbusting tri-dee movie. Here, grab hold of this. (offering him one end of what appears to be a whoopie cushion) SCRATCH: Dat looks like a vhoopie cuzhion. Vhy do you vant me to hold a vhoopie cuzhion? YAKKO: @@@@@@@@@hhh... actually, it's a sub-ether signaling do-hickey. just grab it, OK? SCRATCHANSNIFF uncurls a bit, and grabs the whoopie cushion with one hand. It emits a rude noise. SCRATCH: (to himself) Dis must be a Thursday. I never could get ze hang of Thursdays. (sighs) A huge floating running shoe, about the size of a bus, flies in from right, screeching to a halt. DOT and WAKKO poke their heads out through the front of the shoe, which has separated from the sole. DOT is facing the camera, and WAKKO is facing YAKKO and SCRATCH. DOT: Boy, does it stink in here! WAKKO: Come on up, we have to get going before the pigeons arrive! A rope ladder descends from the front of the shoe to where YAKKO and SCRATCH are. YAKKO scampers up the ladder, and SCRATCH follows, slowly. Fade out. SCENE TWO Fade in on interior of ship. There are lots of gleaming white metal panels covered with buttons and lights and display screens. Several Star Trek-type chairs are scattered around by the instruments. HELLO NURSE stands by one of the display screens, with her back to the camera so that we can't see her face. SLAPPY sits slumped on the floor in a corner, with cardboard boxes around her arms, legs, and torso. WAKKO and DOT are in a large mechanical suit, with their two heads sticking out the top. The suit has three arms, the extra one being on WAKKO's side. WAKKO and DOT (WD) stand a few paces back from the top of the rope ladder. YAKKO jumps up from the ladder into the ship beside WD. SCRATCH follows hesitantly, struggling to get off of the ladder. He gets on his feet and looks around. His face develops an expression of great fatigue when he sees NURSE. SCRATCH: Oh, Miss Nurse, not you too. NURSE: Yes, me too. And call me "Trillian". SCRATCH: Why "Trillian"? NURSE: Why not? SCRATCH: I think I need a rest. SLAPPY: You think *you* need a rest? All day long it's, "Slappy, get me a candy bar. Slappy, open that door. Slappy, can you pick up that piece of paper?" Can I pick up that piece of paper? Here I am, a comic genius with a brain-dead agent... Aahh, heck with it. I'm going to get myself a glass of prune juice. SLAPPY exits through a door at left rear of screen. SCRATCH: I'd like to go home now. YAKKO: You can't. SCRATCH: Why not? YAKKO: See for yourself. YAKKO indicates a large viewscreen, which shows the Earth quickly receding, until it blows up with a large explosion sound. WAKKO: Faboo! SCRATCH: I thought we weren't supposed to hear an explosion in space. DOT: Work with us, it's a cartoon. SCENE THREE Dissolve to view of the WB Studios lot. People are milling about, minding their own business. NARRATOR: OK, this is what happened back on Earth before the huge (makes explosion sound) noise when the Earth blew up. Zoom out to large Scorcese-shaped spaceships hovering over California. A booming voice is heard. GODPIGEON (GP): (mumbles) BOBBY: The Godpigeon, he says that you must prepare yourselves to be destroyed. GP: (mumbles) BOBBY: This planet has been selected to star in a very expensive special effect for a new tri-dee movie, which unfortunately requires that the entire planet and everything on it be blown up. Have a nice day and stay coo. An angry mob sound starts to build up. GP: (mumbles) BOBBY: Badabing! You've had plenty of time to complain to your representative for the Special Effects Guild Local 3 Billion and 1, so coo out! The camera zooms out further, duplicating the shot from before of the Earth being blown up. SCENE FOUR Cut to interior of ship. Same as end of Scene Two. SCRATCH: So, that's it? All that's left of Earth is me, you kidzes, Miss Nurse, an old squirrel, and zome pigeons? DOT: No. SCRATCH: No? DOT: We also have these! DOT's arm holds up a wire cage, in which are PINKY and THE BRAIN. SCRATCH: Ohh, not them. They are alvays making vith the trouble. Vhy did you want to bring along mice anyvay? BRAIN: Actually, we're hyper-intelligent pan-dimensional beings in the later stages of an elaborate plan to take over the universe. PINKY: Zort! Right-o, Brain! BRAIN: Well, *some* of us are hyper-intelligent, at least. COMPUTER (voice of Pesto): Vermicelli! We're about to go into Instability Drive, here! Hold on to your rigatoni! SCRATCH: Inztability Drive? I don't like the zound of that. WAKKO: The Infinite Instability Drive! We push the limits of sanity to the very edge, and yank it back like a rubber band! DOT: Or like John Travolta's acting career. YAKKO: Now now, sibs. Let's find Scratchie a nice place to sit down. He's probably not used to having his spine pulled out through his nose. SCRATCH: Is that what the Instability Drive feels like? YAKKO: No, but you're not used to it, are you? Fine, then. Here, have a seat. (pushes him into an electric chair) Now relax, it's perfectly safe. (Aside) It's you who's in trouble. (to SCRATCH) Just sit tight and it'll all be over before you know what's hit you. YAKKO straps SCRATCH in, pulling the restraints tight. Everyone else is sitting in the normal chairs, including SLAPPY, who has returned with a glass containing purple liquid. COMPUTER: 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... Al Fresco! A loud chime sound is heard, and a giant cuckoo pops out of the main view screen. It hovers at the ends of its platform for about a second, then returns behind the view screen. WAKKO: That's it, we're here! SCRATCH: But where is "here"? YAKKO: How should we know? You're the one in the driver's seat. Why did you offer to drive if you didn't know where you were going? SCRATCH: But I didn't offer to drive! You told me to sit here. NURSE: According to this display, we're currently in orbit around the lost planet of Margarita. SCRATCH: Vhat is Margarita? YAKKO: It's a legendary planet from the Galaxy's youth where they make huge drinks for very rich people. SCRATCH: So vhy vas it lost? DOT: Because everyone who'd ever been there was too drunk afterwards to know where they'd been. WAKKO: Let's see if they have any candy! WAKKO grabs the controls, and hurtles the ship towards the planet. Cut to outside view. Just before the ship crashes into the ground, it levels out and sets down gently. SLAPPY: (looking through script) I thought there were supposed to be some missiles or something? DOT: There were, but we were running over budget. SLAPPY: Aahh, just when it was gettin' interesting! I suppose you'll want me to check the place out and make sure it's safe. DOT: If you don't mind. SLAPPY: Mind? Of course I mind. Aahh, whatever. I'm just a menial robot anyway, whatever the heck that's supposed to mean. SLAPPY goes over by the "toe" of the ship, and pushes a large blue button. The front of the ship lifts up as in Scene One, and SLAPPY takes a few steps forward. SLAPPY: (shouting) Hello, out there! REPLY (voice of Flavio): Hello! SLAPPY: Is it safe?! REPLY: Yes, it is! SLAPPY: Thanks! REPLY: Don't mention it! SLAPPY: (to the rest, no longer shouting) You heard the man, it's safe. Go away-- I need a nap. We follow YAKKO, WD, NURSE, and SCRATCH as they leave the ship. The camera pans around to a view of the front of the ship from outside, and once they are all outside, the ship closes. They head off screen, front right, and we stay with the ship after they are all out of the shot. A few seconds pass, after which the front of the ship opens again. We see PINKY holding a broom handle, with BRAIN at the top, next to the blue button. The stick begins to wobble. PINKY is obviously having difficulties with it. BRAIN has a very concerned expression on his face just before the stick tumbles over. BRAIN falls on his front, spread-eagled, while PINKY falls backwards onto his rear, with his feet sticking out in front of him. PINKY: Narf! PINKY and THE BRAIN pick themselves up and run out of the ship, just as it begins to close again. They then continue to run off screen, to the right. Fade out. SCENE FIVE Fade in on a large conference room. FLAVIO is seated at one end of the long table. YAKKO, NURSE, and SCRATCH sit on one side of the table. WD and SLAPPY sit on the other. SLAPPY: What the heck is it with these deletions? And why am I here? I was supposed to be taking a nap. My agent is a dead man. FLAVIO: Welcome to Margarita! Would anyone care for a cocktail before we begin? I, my beautiful self, will have a martini. THE MIME mimes writing down the drink order. He has a white towel draped over his left forearm. YAKKO: We'll just have chocolate milkshakes, thanks. SLAPPY: Make mine a diet walnut soda, and don't fill the glass with ice! THE MIME pretends to write down the rest of the orders. He then walks out the door and closes it behind him, which is followed by a horrible crashing sound. FLAVIO: Good help is so hard to find, these days. Let us "hang" for awhile until our other guests arrive. SCRATCH: (nervously) Vhat other guests? The door flies open dramatically, and PINKY and THE BRAIN stand there in the doorway. BRAIN: It is we who are the awaited guests! Just then the MIME returns with the drinks. As he walks through the doorway, he steps on BRAIN, narrowly missing PINKY. We see BRAIN, slightly flattened, as he begins to pick himself off the floor. BRAIN: I am not well. PINKY: Oh boy! Milkshakes! PINKY grabs BRAIN by the hand and drags him at a run onto the table. There are two extra milkshakes, and PINKY crawls up one of them and starts sucking on the straw. He will be doing this, without much success, for the remainder of the scene. BRAIN, in the meantime, sits on a mouse-sized chair on top of the table. FLAVIO: Very well. Since we are all present and accounted for, let us begin at once. As you may know, the Earth was a largish computer built for these beautiful white mice many millions of years ago. SCRATCH: But vhy vould they need zuch a large computer? BRAIN: Because we were trying to discover the ultimate question of Life, the Universe, and Everything! SCRATCH: Vhy? Vhat about the answer? BRAIN: We already know the answer. If we knew both the question and the answer, we would be unstoppable, and could easily rule the Universe! Unfortunately, those confounded pigeons destroyed the Earth five minutes before the final result of millions of years of computations could be revealed. It's enough to drive a mouse to distraction. DOT: So what *is* the answer? BRAIN: The answer is... DOT: Yes? BRAIN: ...is... WAKKO: Yes? BRAIN: ...is... YAKKO: At the risk of sounding redundant: yes? PINKY: Narf! (then resumes sucking on the straw) They all look at PINKY, then at BRAIN, then at PINKY again, and finally at BRAIN. BRAIN just sits there with a mildly embarrassed expression. BRAIN: (apologetically) It's not a very good answer, is it? YAKKO: So what do we have to do with this? BRAIN: Your psychiatric friend here and his nurse are last-generation products of the Earth computer. Imprinted within their brains is the question we seek. I have been honing my psychic abilities for these past few years, and I believe that I have reached the point where I can read it directly from their minds. Just then an alarm sounds, and red lights begin to flash. A warning announcement is heard. WARNING (voice of Ralph): Duh, warning! Intruderses is on the prememises! Repeat, intruderses is on the prememises! Come on, youse guys, get moving! YAKKO: @@@@@@@@hhhh... sorry, Brain, but we think we left the gas on. We'll get back to you though. YAKKO, WD, NURSE, SCRATCH, and SLAPPY run out the door. BRAIN: Wait! We must have the question! Drat, now we shall have to start all over again. Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering? PINKY: (stops sucking) I think so, Brain, but if we paint a smilie-face on a black hole, how would anyone see it? BRAIN: No, Pinky. I mean that we can merely make up a question that fits the answer that we already know. PINKY: Egad, Brain. Brilliant! Oh, no, but how will we know it's the right question? BRAIN: It won't matter. Only we will know that it is bogus. PINKY: Zounds, what a good idea! I know: What's green and red and goes around and around and around? BRAIN: Be quiet Pinky or I shall have to hurt you. SCENE SIX Dissolve to hangar bay. YAKKO, WD, NURSE, SLAPPY, and SCRATCH huddle behind a computer bank. Ahead of them, past the computer bank, is a spaceship with Police markings, shaped like a flying saucer. There are two hatches on top of the ship. COP 1 (Rita) and COP 2 (Runt) pop up out of the hatches. COP 1 has a laser blaster pistol, and COP 2 sits in a blaster cannon, which he emerged from the hatch on. They open fire on the cowering characters for a few seconds. COP 1: (yelling) Halt in the name of the Law! COP 2: (yelling) Yeah! Definitely halt! SCRATCH: Who are they? DOT: The fuzz! NURSE: But what do they want? YAKKO: I dunno-- driving a running shoe without a license? WAKKO: Uh, Yakko? YAKKO: Yes, brother sibling? WAKKO: Do you think this might have anything to do with those pizzas? More shots are fired. COP 1: (yelling) Come on, back there. We don't have all day! DOT: ( yelling to cops) Be a dear and hold that thought. We're busy here. YAKKO: What pizzas? WAKKO: The ones I stole. YAKKO: @@@@@@@hh... refresh my memory. DOT: It's simple, really. We were on our way to pick up the Sole of Gold... SCRATCH: The vhat? NURSE: The spaceship. SCRATCH: Oh. DOT: Anyway, Wakko got hungry, so we stopped for a few pizzas. YAKKO: How many is "a few". DOT: Nineteen. WAKKO: We were in kind of a hurry. More firing. YAKKO: I'm guessing you didn't have enough cash on hand? WAKKO: Well, they were going to be blown up in the next scene, anyhow. DOT: Yeah, how were we supposed to know they were part of the Dough-'n'-Sausage Pizza Corporation? More firing. COP 2: (to COP 1) This is bad. Definitely bad. They should have surrendered by now. COP 1: (to COP 2) Yeah. (yelling) What's taking so long? SCRATCH: (yelling) Ve have zome issues back here zat need resolving. I'm sure ve'll have everything sorted out shortly. If you could just vait until zen... COP 1: Now see here. You're not talking to some two-bit cops with mange and no conversation. We're a couple of caring, sensitive strays who you'd probably like if you met us socially. I mean, we don't go around blasting pizza thieves indiscriminantly all day, and then bragging about it in litter boxes all night like some cops I could mention. No, I go around blasting pizza thieves indiscriminantly all day and then *agonizing* about it for hours to my little catnip mousie (holds up a Mickey Mouse doll). COP 2: And I eat novels! COP 1: He eats 'em with crayons. COP 2: Though they're starting to definitely give me indigestion, so I better warn you, I'm in a definitely mean mood. Definitely. YAKKO: I think I preferred it when they were shooting. SLAPPY: Look, I'm getting sick of this. Stand aside. (They get out of her way.) (yelling) Hey, cops! COP 1 & COP 2: (yelling) What? SLAPPY: Are you going to go away and let us get on with whatever the heck it is we're supposed to be doing, or not? COPS: No. SLAPPY: I was hoping you'd say that. SLAPPY pulls out a hand-held missile launcher. Cut to view of COPS through cross-hairs. SLAPPY: Ready... Aim... Fire! A rear view of a missile is seen, and the COPS develop extremely anxious expressions. Then the scene explodes. An odd beeping noise begins in the background. SLAPPY: (to others) Now can we get on with this, please? DOT: Uh, Slappy? SLAPPY: What? DOT: Did you notice that large computer bank behind us? SLAPPY: No, why? YAKKO: Because I think it's about to explode. WAKKO: Faboo! A colossal explosion is heard, obscuring the shot with clouds of smoke. Fade out. SCENE SEVEN Dark screen. NARRATOR: OK, see, it sounds like they're gonna die because of the explosion but they're not really gonna die because they're the main characters of the story and it would be a pretty bad ending if they just sort of died in a big explosion, right? So what happened was that it wasn't really a computer that exploded, but actually it was a time machine that overloaded and sent them billions of years into the future. Pretty neat, huh? Fade in on wavering, blurry image of the interior of a really posh restaurant-- leaning towards gaudy. Very gaudy. Standing in the center of the shot is BOO, in a waiter's outfit. Cut to the characters lying on the floor of the restaurant, with BOO to one side. Past him is the restaurant proper, with lots of tables, other waiters, weird- looking alien patrons, chandeliers, etc. Laughter and applause, as from a large crowd, is heard. WAKKO: Are we dead? YAKKO: We must be. Funny, it looked different before. DOT: Maybe we're getting a frequent dier bonus. You know-- die twice, get a nice vacation. SCRATCH: Funny, I don't *feel* dead... YAKKO: How would you know? Listen pal, we're the ones who've been dead before, not you. DOT: Calm down, Yakko. (indicates BOO with thumb) This guy looks like a waiter, not Death. YAKKO: True, and we don't have any stickers on our heads, either. WAKKO jumps up on BOO. WAKKO: (drooling) Do you have any candy? WAKKO and BOO tumble to the floor, knocking BOO's outfit off. DINER 1: Look! He's a chicken! DINER 2: He is! A giant chicken! DINER 3: (to DINER 1) I told you he was a chicken. YAKKO: Let's get out of here before things get ugly. They run into an elevator and press one of the buttons. The door closes. Iris out. SCENE EIGHT Iris in on a spaceship parking garage. YAKKO and WD start running around looking at al of the spaceships, no two of which look the same. YAKKO stops by one completely black, highly streamlined ship, and is admiring it. The ship is bathed in a glow, and angelic music fills the background. YAKKO: Hey, sibs, come over here. You've got to see this neat ship! WD goes over to where YAKKO is standing. YAKKO: Isn't it incredible? DOT: I have to admit, it is nice. WAKKO: I know! Let's take it for a spin! YAKKO: You mean steal it? DOT: Hey, the cops are already after us for the pizzas. One extra little spaceship won't make any difference, will it? YAKKO: We really shouldn't do this, should we? DOT: No. WAKKO: Let's do it! YAKKO & DOT: OK! DOT: Hey, Slappy, come here for a sec. We've got something fun for you to do. SLAPPY: Unless it involves me being asleep, I'm not interested. YAKKO: Trust us, you'll enjoy it. Whole new worlds of excitement await you! SLAPPY: If you're trying to engage my enthusiam, don't bother. I suppose you want me to open that ship. WAKKO: How'd you know? SLAPPY: Oh, I don't know; maybe it has something to do with the way you three are standing around ogling it. YAKKO: Can you do it, though? SLAPPY: Yeah, I think so. Stand back, there. SLAPPY removes a time bomb from her purse, and places it on the door of the spaceship. YAKKO: Won't that scuff the paint? SLAPPY: Gimme a break. I'm old, I don't have time to pick locks. Now duck and cover. They all take refuge behind one of the other ships. There is a large explosion. When the smoke clears, the ship is still there, exactly as before except that the door is now wide open, and the ship does not appear to have taken any damage. SLAPPY walks into the ship. YAKKO and WD turn to the camera, shrug, and then follow SLAPPY in, followed by SCRATCH and NURSE.