YAHOO NEWS ITEM, 4/5/02: Sharks have been spotted in the waters of Lake Merritt. They are baby leopard and sand sharks, and they are only about a foot long.

The KIJE Project recently sat down by the shores of Lake Merritt and conducted an exclusive interview with a 13-inch leopard shark. After an spirited argument regarding the merits of the 1964 Don Knotts film "The Incredible Mister Limpet," our interview began in earnest:

KIJE PROJECT: Yes, well, thank you for speaking with us.

LEOPARD SHARK: I welcome this opportunity to clear the air.

KP: Clear the air?

LS: I've heard all the stereotypes about sharks -- we're stupid, we're blind, we're ravenous machines out for blood. It's that idiot director's fault....

KP: Steven Spielberg?

LS: Yeah -- Spielberg. What a jackass. "JAWS." Well, fuck you, buddy. He's responsible for so much death and destruction of my kin. But I hear his recent work sucks ass, so I feel better.

KP: Do sharks follow the film industry much?

LS: Oh you bet. Wanna hear the shark review of "A.I."?

KP: Uh... sure.

LS: Ahem... "Chilly and saccharine... has the emotional wallop of an ice-cold can of TAB." Spielberg sucks, man. Make more movies about lost boys looking for their daddies, loser.

KP: Well, "Duel" wasn't bad....

LS: Oh, and how many years ago was that? For every "Duel" I can point you to an "Always" or a "Hook"....

KP: Let's change the subject. Those attacks off the East Coast last summer....

LS: Accidents, man. All accidents.

KP: Pretty serious accidents....

LS: Look, no offense, but you meat puppets taste bad. Seriously. And you're fatty. I had a friend -- a nutcase, really -- just up and decided to eat humans. So what happens? Cancer. Cancer. I know what you're thinking -- sharks don't get cancer. Well, we don't when we don't eat you all. All those Big Macs and sodas and french fries -- how can you stand it? I know elephant seals at Año Nuevo with less blubber than you naked apes.

KP: OK, OK. Why are you here? Why Lake Merritt? Why Oakland?

LS: It ain't for the schools... am I right? I mean, holy God.

KP: Well, why are you here?

LS: Some moron's been running around saying it's because the Lake is cleaner, and has more food for us sharks. But look, it's not that the Lake is so good. It's really because the Bay is so bad.

KP: Really?

LS: Oh, man, if I have to choke on another used condom... I have a serious gag reflex. I needed to get out of there.

KP: So you chose the Lake....

LS: Well, actually I was shooting for the Petaluma River. Guess I took a wrong turn somewhere.

KP: Um... you seem to be fidgeting a lot... are you alright?

LS: Hell, I'm wiggling more than Michael J. Fox after a double espresso. But I'm a shark, dig? I gotta move or die! Just like your Mayor....

KP: So you've been here for a bit -- what do you think of the political scene in Oakland?

LS: Hey -- I'm just a shark. I'm an amateur here.

KP: Come on, you must have some opinions....

LS: Well, I'm just not going to make any comments about Ignacio de la Fuente or Jacques Barzaghi.

KP: Why not?

LS: Professional courtesy.

KP: Nyuck nyuck nyuck.

LS: I'll be here all week! Tip your waitresses!