I remembered how I had a quick shot of gin, and lay down to take a wee nap. Then two of my aides came by to check on me.

"I don't think she's breathing, Simon."

"That's what you said last time. Just wait a bit, Wally. This woman will dance on our graves, my hand to God."

"No, Simon, she's really dead this time."

As I listened to them, I kept saying "Woo-hoo! Idiots! I'm RIGHT HERE!" but my mouth wouldn't move.

Next thing I know, I'm stuffed in a box. That hasn't happened since the Blitz, you know. Some bureaucrat is taking inventory of my jewels as he strips them off. What's happening? I can't be dead.

Then there was the funeral. All the family passed by. My poor daughter looked devastated. As Charles passed by, I shouted "Wanker!" but my mouth wouldn't move. I hate being dead.

Then they lowered me into the ground. Wait, wait, not yet! I have a lot of gin to drink! Please, somebody, help me! Get me out of here!

The following was reportedly posted on a British "Board of Remembrance" -- we suspect that the entire mess is apocryphal, but thought we'd share:

• "We must do all we can, send blankets, food parcels, jumpers, anything to help these brave souls who are queuing up to walk past her coffin."
  -- R. Thompson, Bath.
• "I have been unable to have a poo for five days, and will not do so again until her majesty is buried."
  -- E. Gorman, Derbyshire.
• "Good God, who is next, Geri Halliwell?"
  -- R. Combes, Romford.
• "No matter how she felt, no matter the situation, she always wore a smile. Just like a retard."
  -- G. Hollins, East Sussex.
• "I remember she came to visit us in the East End one time. She was so kind, so generous, and so sweet. She whispered softly in my ear, 'You know it's not true' she said, 'you don't smell of shit.' She was a wondrous person."
  -- E. Collier, London.
• "Whichever way you look at it, it just is not as exciting as Diana."
  -- G. Williams, West Midlands.
• "She was one of us, and by that I don't mean she perpetrated insurance fraud or lied about expense claims. She was like us in a good way. God bless you, ma'am."
  -- L. Weller, Harlow.
• "If only I could get my hands on that fish bone right now, you heartless bastard!"
  -- J. Hedges, Cowdenbeath.
• "She had such a difficult life, always battling against adversity and misfortune. Let us hope that if there is a next time round she is given a life of privilege and comfort."
  -- T.D. Wainwright, Hastings.
• "I think that the Queen Mum and Princess Diana are our very own Twin Trade Towers. At last we can look the people of New York in the face."
  -- L. Ward, Mansfield.
• "When Diana died I swore I would never smile again, but eventually I did. Now the Queen Mum has gone I cannot imagine that I will ever smile for the rest of my life, but I will probably break that one too."
  -- A. Christie, Hendon.
• "She was one of the old school, all the remaining royals are shit."
  -- J. Clement, Grantham.
• "I thought she would never die, she has let us all down very badly."
  -- D. Holmes, Somerset.
• "She was a trooper and she never gave up. I remember one time she was visiting a school and I asked her if she would like to make a visit to the cloakroom before she left. 'No' she replied, 'I didn't give in to the Nazis and I won't give in to the bladder.' That's how she was, a fighter, who refused to be beaten by anything. She pissed herself later though, it was fabulously yellow."
  -- B. Forrester, North Yorkshire.
• "She was a marvelous woman, and a wonderful lover."
  -- L. J. Worthington, Penrith.
• "I am absolutely devastated, at least we could have got the day off."
  -- S. Wilson, Bristol.
• "How refreshing to be able to mourn the death of a member of the Royal family without being accused of being homosexual."
  -- J. Fletcher, High Wycombe.
• "Her death should act as a warning to others who think it is just fine to experiment with drugs."
  -- E. Franks, Cheshire.
• "Perhaps if we automated her old golf buggy it could still drive around The Mall on its own and bring pleasure to the tourists."
  -- Y. Howell, Slough.
• "Once again the Queen is not upset enough for my liking, the woman should have a bit more compassion, how would she feel if it was her mother?"
  -- W. Waugh, Richmond.
• "It is such a loss, God has shat on our heads."
  -- K. O'Neil, Inverness.
• "I am sure the Queen Mum will not let this setback put an end to her public duties."
  -- N. Wallace, Swansea.
• "I hold Princess Margaret in no small way responsible for this terrible event."
  -- E. Thompson, West Lothian.
• "Bomb Iraq for us, Tony, it's the only thing that will make us feel better."
  -- P. McGregor, Southampton.