You see, we've received several pieces of campaign literature, and we've seen photos of you in the local papers. And you've always been on the phone. We wondered -- who is he talking to? The governor? His bookie? Miss Cleo? Howard Stern?

Then we realized -- you can't help it. Due to some mysterious circumstance, you've become attached to the phone. The friggin' phone is stuck to your head!

We don't know if you were born that way. We hope not. We hate to think that you were chased around the schoolyard by bullies screaming "BRRRIIING! BRRRIIING! PICK IT UP, DONNY!"

Perhaps it was an office prank gone awry -- you know, "Hey... let's put SuperGlue on the boss's phone!"

Maybe you have a metal plate in your head, and during a fierce lightening storm it became weirdly magnetized, and now phones, staplers and other objects are drawn to your skull. That must make going through airport security one major pain-in-the-you-know-what, are we right?

Anyway, we know of some plastic surgeons who'd be willing to take a stab at your... uh... situation.

Really, have someone take a look, OK?

Fondly,