PERITONEAL CANCER : LEAH'S STORY

PERITONEAL CANCER
May 2006
Peritoneal Cancer is a rare cancer that mimics ovarian cancer and occurs in a very small population of women.
If you are looking for a website with facts and survival rates, this is not it.
This is just my personal story that i hope will help others.
If you have been diagnosed with this disease and are scared or alone, please call any time 516-292-5324.
I may not be here, but i promise to try and get back to you as soon as i can depending on my condition.
I don't know how this story is going to turn out.
At times, i may get sad and depressed.
Hey, i'm still alive.
I want to thank Francine Milano for inspiring me to do this.
She was diagnosed back in September 2003 when the odds were scarier.
She is alive and well today and the inspiration for this site!!

----My Story----
Hi. My name is Leah. I am 41 years old.
I have always been blessed or maybe lucky, but i've always led a healthy life.
I 've had a really good life up till now.
I worked in the music biz and had a cool life filled with rockstars and parties.
I've traveled all over the world.
When i got bored with all that i settled down and opened my own toy store.
And up till may 23, 2006, i had i pretty happy life.
So what happened?
When i turned 40 i noticed i was alot heavier than i wanted to be, so i joined a gym.
i weighed 155 pounds. i was kinda disgusted so i went every day, walking 2 miles a day, and i cut down on the sweets. this went on for almost two years yet i didn't lose a pound. i couldn't understand it. in early may of 2006 i was 169 pounds and i noticed that my stomach hurt alot and i felt bloated.
i complained for 2 weeks until my family had enough and told me to get myself to a doctor.
my abdomen was severely extended and i looked like i was pregnant (i knew i wasn't).
on may 11th i went to a local clinic. the doctor asked me if i ate alot of sushi (i did) and suspected maybe i caught a bug from that. either that, or perhaps i had gastroenteritis. he gave me some drug samples and sent me on my way.
one week later, my stomach felt worse, if that was possible. i felt like someone was inside me pushing out. it was unbearable.
i went back to the clinic with a stool sample. i still didn't have a clue how my life was about to change!
three days later when the stool samples came back negative, the clinic referred me to a gastrointerologist.
the next day i met dr. harold lipsky. he was very nice and i was happy that it turned out we were close neighbors and that he had heard of my store. he examined me and then came the question that would turn my skin pale and for the first time ever, make me question my mortality.
"has anyone in your family ever been diagnosed with ovarian cancer?"
"is that what you suspect?" i answered back terrified.
he assured me that it was just a standard question.
no one in my family has ever had ovarian cancer, but my grandmother, great aunt, and great grandmother had all died of different cancers.
all of a sudden it was out there... CANCER.
no matter how much reassuring that this was just a minor possibility, i could see it in his face.
he told me that i was full of something- air or fluid, either way it was a problem.
he wrote me a prescription for a sonogram and an abdominal x-ray.
i went and did both the next day. as the technician was doing the sonogram i expressed to her my fear and begged just for minor clues at what she saw. usually they are very close-lipped. she asked if she could do an internal sonogram to see more and i was glad to oblige. she sensed my anxiety and said she couldn't be positive but as far as she saw, my ovaries and uterus and everything else looked clear and healthy. she even used the word healthy.
i was estatic. the problem was that i was definitely filled with liquid and that usually means tumors. i came out of the exam room relieved as was my mother when i told her the temporary results. at least it wasn't ovarian cancer.
next was the abdominal x-ray. that was clear too. i had the rest of the weekend till i would speak to my gastro guy so i decided not to make myself crazy and enjoy the weekend.
saturday i went swimming with sharks. no joke. this was so much fun. we went to Atlantis Marina in Riverhead, NY. they have this giant shark tank with sharks and fishes and a huge loggerhead turtle. after a lesson about the sealife in the tank and a quick lesson on what to do, they pop you in a cage and lower it into the tank. the sharks swim right by you. they look right at you and then go on. it was so peaceful and beautiful and while i was in the water my tummy didn't hurt.
sunday night even though my stomach hurt again, i refused to give up our reservations to one of new york's newest "it" restaurants, Buddakan. i was afraid to eat, but when my eyes saw that menu, there was no stopping me. i wanted to try everything. and the food was sooooo good. i was really grateful when i got home and wasn't sick!
i only mention these moments because they were my last happy ones before the "news". Monday came with a bang! My gastro guy called and told me i was filled with a fluid called ascites and he wanted me to go for a cat scan. Wednesday, May 24th I checked myself into Winthrop Hospital.
Now at this point i haven't mentioned that i am afraid of hospitals, doctors, needles, anything medical, so you can imagine the state i am in. 7 hours and 32 ounces later of some disgusting chalky drink, they wheeled me into the cat scan. it looked like the ring from stargate. it was actually kinda cool. after my cat scan, they told me it would be about an hour till i could get the results. i was nervous but i was sure it was going to be some popped benign thing. just as they were about to announce taylor hicks as the winner of "american idol", the obgyn intern came down to explain my results. these had been consulted with her boss. as she was talking, it got worse and worse. there were tumors and cysts. there were lots of them. they were CANCER. it had spread through my lower body. it was official. i was diagnosed with stage 3C- stage 4 ovarian cancer with a small possibility that it was peritoneal cancer. "is that better", i asked? she told me it was the same. so not true. i was in a state of shock. john was hysterical. the 2 of us just stood there crying holding each other. i just wanted to go home. how would i tell my mother and father this? the intern's name was kami dixon. she tried to explain everything kindly but i was still in a state of shock. i asked what i do next being i have no insurance and i'm not rich. she highly recommended her boss, dr. eva chalas. she said she was an expert in this field and that even though i wouldn't be able to be a patient of hers at the office near my house (only for the insured and wealthy), i could be a patient of hers through stoneybrook clinic. stoneybrook university hospital is an hour from my house, but a hospital with a very good reputation. this would be my new 2nd home and the end of my life as i had known it before.
the rest of this story i will do in diary form on the days i feel well enough to type.

---

May 25th, 2006- dr. lipsky, my gastro guy, called me up and said if i could get to mercy hopital, he could do a periocenteses (draining the fluid out of me) immediately. he performed the procedure by sticking a big needle in my stomach (didn't hurt) and drained out 10.41 pounds (5000 ccs) of fluid. he said this was very important because it would relieve the pressure on my tummy and make me feel much better. also, a sample of the fluid and tissue he removed could be useful to my oncologist. after it was done, i felt so much better. he prescribed me some xanax for stress and ambien to help me sleep.

May 31st, 2006- today was my first appointment at the University Associates in OBGYN. i met my doctor, Dr. Eva Chalas and some of her interns that would be working on my case. dr. chalas felt based on the cat scan and how serious my cancer was that i needed surgery immediately. they would have to do a radical hysterectomy (remove my uterus, ovaries, fallopian tubes, omentum, & even my appendix) along with removing all the cancer. this was a bit of a shock. my dream of a family of my own, gone. i love kids and i always dreamed of being a mom. it just never happened and now it never would. i was kinda sad about this but also relieved that i didn't have a child who would have to go through this. also, i wouldn't want to have a child now because who knows how long i will be here. i actually handled the knews better than i would have suspected. even john (who always wanted a child too) handled the child part ok, or at least that is what he said. i suspect deep down he is pretty disappointed. dr. chalas told me that my best chance for survival was to do the surgery first. i was terrified. i was sure i was going to die on the table. the only relief was that they were going to get this cancer out of me. i was told the surgery would be friday.

June 1st, 2006- before my surgery i had to do a prep kit. this sucked. they give you a half gallon of this salty water liquid that you have to drink all up in a certain amount of time. it comes with 3 flavor packs. orange, cherry, or lemon-lime. i added the orange. what a joke. the flavor was non-existent. getting the drink down was near impossible and there is all this stress to do it. when i was having trouble i started sipping apple juice to get it down. 5 minutes later i was puking and pooping my brains out at the same time. thank god john was there to clean me up and calm me down. this was very important because you need to clean out your whole system otherwise you could end up needing a colostomy bag.

June 2nd, 2006- today is my surgery. it is also my mom's birthday. all i could think was please don't let me die on my mom's birthday. we got to stoneybrook university hospital at 7am. they sent to a prep suite right away. everyone there was really nice. they took my blood pressure, my pulse, listened to my heart, weighed and measured me, asked me a bunch of questions, put in my iv, and gave me some drugs to relax me. 1 hour later i was wheeled down to the or waiting area. after a bit of begging, they let me wait there with mom and john till surgery began. i was actually pretty calm. i told them how much i loved them both as we watched "jerry springer". that is the last thing i remember before i woke up at 2pm in a bright roomy room with a nurse telling me if i felt any pain to just push the button in my hand. i didn't feel any pain, just sleepy. 5 minutes later john and mom appeared. i apologized for not being able to get her a present. she told me that me doing well was the best present of all. i LOVE my mom! she told me that dr. chan the surgeon who performed my surgery was very pleased. he was sure that they got out 95-100% of the cancer and that i might not even need chemo. if i did, unless it was peritoneal cancer, i might only need minor chemo to clean out the microscopic cancer that may have been missed. either way, it sounded hopeful.

June 5th, 2006- on saturday dad & harriet (my step-mom) came to visit. my dad looked so sad. i felt so bad. my friends mindy, paul, chris, & kellee came to visit too. some of my friends sent flowers. they really brightened the room. i still felt ok so i barely used the pain meds button. the pain med nurse was really surprised at how little meds i used. on sunday my friend lisa came to visit. she really cheered me up. today i started to feel a little pain so i used my happy button a bit more. then the docs came in and told me i was being released and i could go home soon. i was happy to go home but also a bit nervous to leave because my stomach was now killing me. they gave me lots of pain meds to take home so hopefully i would feel better soon.

June 7th, 2006- today i went for a follow up visit at the stoneybrook obgyn clinic to get my stomach stitches removed. by the fourth stitch they realized that it was too early because one of the stitches was leaking so i needed more time for the stitches to heal. seems i am a slow healer. bummer. while i was there i got more bad news. my tests from the surgery came back quickly. turns out i have peritoneal cancer and i will need 3 series (9 treatments) of heavy dose chemo (taxol in my shoulder & belly and cisplatin in my belly). friday i will go back to the hospital to have the newest technology to fight my cancer added to my body. they are going to put 2 ports in me. one in by shoulder and one in my abdomen. the shoulder one is to save me from having to get an iv in my arm all the time and prevents the chance of my veins collapsing. the belly port is brand new. up till january it was just a trial, but now it has been certified by the fda and it increases your survival rate 10%.

June 9th, 2006- back to stoneybrook for my port operation. this is a much easier operation and only lasts about an hour. this time however the hospital gave me a hard time about me waiting in the waiting room. instead, this time they wheeled me direct to the or and left me there alone with a bunch of other patients. there were people crying and lots of medical talk, and the old woman next to me kept screaming. it was awful. i was so scared and demanded they go get my mom. i would have gone nuts in that or. when my mom came they wheeled me back out to the or waiting room with my mom and john. good thing because my doctor's prior surgery was running late and i had to wait an hour and a half. when i woke up from surgery this time i was still in the or. some guy was yelling at me to breathe. it was scary. was i ok? then they were trying to get me to sit up. i kept asking if i was ok but nobody would answer me. turned out i was fine but it wasn't a pleasant experience. also, i had two scars instead of one. seems they were unable to get the shoulder port in my left shoulder because my bone structure was too small. they tried for 2 hours and finally gave up and tried to put it in my right shoulder. when they had trouble with that, they called in a specialist who was able to get it in. so now i have matching shoulder scars. aargh. i got to go home today.

June 19th, 2006- i went to stoneybrook for my first chemo appointment today. i was very nervous. when i got there, they called my doctor because my stomach incision looked infected. turned out it was, so they had to postpone my chemo a week, so instead i get to start next week on my birthday. that really blows. they gave me some antibotic and some ibuprofin and sent me on my way.

June 26th, 2006 (series 1-day 1)- my incision infection cleared up so i started chemo today. happy birthday to me. the chemo nurses are very nice. chemo didn't hurt at all. the needle in my port was quick and easier than an iv. shoulder chemo lasts about 4 hours including the premeds.

July 9th, 2006 (series 1-day 14)- it's been two weeks since my first chemo treatment and my hair is already starting to fall out. my dear friend mindy escorted me to the hair salon to get my hair cut short so it wouldn't be so traumatic when it got worse. i know eventually i will have to get my head shaved, but i am not quite ready yet. the hair dresser couldn't believe i was cutting all my hair off so mindy had to explain that i had cancer, duh. i wanted to donate my hair to a charity that recycles it to make wigs for kids, but since i had my hair japanese-straightened, it didn't qualify. i was really disappointed. i looked at my long beautiful hair in piles on the floor. 14 inches gone! it was really depressing. i also didn't like the cut, but i have never been a fan of short hair, not on myself.

July 10th, 2006 (series 1-day 15)- hi. today is the first day since this whole nightmare that i woke up and felt almost normal.
i pushed the constant thought of cancer to the back of my head and went down and made myself a small bowl of Mini-Swirlz Cinnamon Bun cereal. this is the first time since before the operation that i am trying milk. i hope it's ok. i even braved 2 small bites of a hashbrown and 2 sips of oj. i know i'm supposed to be eating more than this, but it's impossible. that's one of my biggest fears about this chemo thing. that i'm not eating and drinking enough. the worst pressure is trying to force yourself to eat and drink and then worry that you're hurting yourself when you can't. i have never been a big water drinker. the idea of 6-8 glasses a day makes my head spin. i'm lucky if i get down 2. maybe now that it is hotter out it will be easier to do. cheerier news. i felt well enough to go to the gym this morning. i walked a whole half hour. i was so proud of myself. there is still a tightness/stretching in my stomach when i just stand, but at least the pain is gone. today's goal is not to cry or whine about anything. so much for that goal. this evening i went to a nurse practitioner named Mary with John. He's been going to see her since i got this thing. he goes once a week so i decided to go this week hoping she could prescribe some antidepressant. we talked for over an hour of which i cried and whined about 45 minutes. she was very nice but to be honest i didn't feel any better after, just sorry for myself. she did give me a meditatation cd called Relaxing Mind and Body so i rushed home to try it. several people have told me how important meditation is. i put on the cd and attempted to relax. i tried. i opened my mind. i really wanted this to work! after 20 minutes and 2 different exercises i was fed up. this wasn't relaxing. it was annoying as hell. like nails on a blackboard. i'm still going to try another meditation cd. this one just wasn't my cup of tea. next i tried listening to music. i love music. but as i lied there all i could feel was the burning in my hands and the heaviness in my chest. i was starting to freak again when john made me get up and take a little walk outside. when we came back in i took my evening ambien and was able to fall asleep.

July 11th, 2006 (series 1-day 16)- woke up 8 am sad. took a xanax. was able to go back to sleep till 10. been kinda sad today. i called cancer care to try and get someone to help me. they told me they would get back to me in the next couple of days. i also called a local mental health clinic. they set me up an appointment 2 weeks from now. aaargh. tomorrow is my first follow up exam after my first 3 chemos. i have so many questions. i hope my doctor will be there and not just interns. i wrote all my questions down. i still can't concentrate on work. my stomach incision has a bubble on it that has been worrying me all week. i ran over to my gastro guy this morning. he took a look at it and thinks it is just a little fluid that needs to be drained. i hope. i picked up my wig today even though i still have my short hair.i just wanted to be prepared. i thought putting it on would make me feel better. well, at least i look better.

July 13th, 2006 (series 1-day 18)- yesterday was my first follow up exam. there was a very nice intern there who took time to answer all my questions but i was desperate to speak to my head doctor being that she is the only one who truly knows my disease. her name is dr. eva chalas. she is an award winning doctor specializing in ovarian & peritoneal cancer. i feel very lucky to have her, but since she sees me at the clinic being i'm on medicaid, i get very little time with her. she's nice but tough and her bedside manner i wish was better, but i'd rather have a great tough doctor than a nice mediocre one. i only got about 10 minutes with her but she seemed positive. she prescribed me an anti-depressant and told me that negativity hurts the immune system so it was important for an attitude change quick. she looked at the bubble in my stomach and told me it would probably pop like a blister but she wasn't positive about the seriousness of it. i left there feeling unsure. i went across the street to get my bloodwork done to make sure i could still continue chemo and to see how the chemo was working. an intern promised to call me this evning with the results so i have been a nervous wreck all day. it's 7 pm and still no call. and to make things worse, john was diagnosed with strep throat today so i have to avoid him for the next 2 days. i am so afraid that i could have caught it but i feel ok so far. we can't even be in the same room so he's living downstairs for the next couple of days. i feel like everything keeps going wrong. tonight i am starting the antidepressant. i have mixed feelings about this. i am afraid of the side effects but i know i need to do this.

July 14th, 2006 (series 1-day 19)- last night i contemplated taking the antidepressant. if only they had called with my bloodwork results. i voted against it and went with a xanax and an ambien instead. i got my first truly good nights sleep. when i woke up this morning i felt ok mentally. that slowly changed to annoyance and then panic when i still got no call with my bloodwork results. i was sure no one was calling because it was bad news. by 2pm i was a wreck. i had left 2 messages at the clinic and 2 messages with the doctor's office. finally i called the doctor's office freaking out. 10 minutes later a nurse from the clinic called me back. first, although i have a slight case of anemia which she told me was normal, and a slight something about my hemoglobin, they are both not serious, so i am strong enough to start my 2nd series of chemo. i was very happy to hear this. also my CA-125 marker is significantly down from 300 to 125. i asked her if she was positive of this because i am really tired of getting good news just to find out it's wrong (like the sonogram being clear and being told before i got chemo that i probably wouldn't need chemo because they got all the cancer out). she said she was reading it direct. i don't want to celebrate too soon but this must mean the chemo is working. the nurse said yes. i'm not sure if the drop is enough, but when i start my series 2 chemo on monday i'm sure i will find out the whole dealio. the intern still hasn't called. i understand they are very busy (i am an avid "grey's anatomy" fan) but i can't believe she still hasn't called. 2 minutes is all it would take. don't they realize how nervous people are. if that nurse hadn't called me i'd probably be in a straight jacket right now. but since she did, i'm just gonna live off the happy news for the weekend and smile that i can put off taking that antidepressant for a while. i asked the nurse what i could do to help with the anemia and she said i need more protein so for the next 3 days i'm stuffing myself with meat meat meat. i just went and got steak on a stick at the chinese place (yum!) and i'm proud to say i've got 4 glasses of water in me so far today. that's good for me. for the first time i feel like i'm beating the cancer. fuck you cancer, i'm gonna kick your ass.
ps-i still have enough hair on my head that i don't have to wear my wig yet. i look like a pixie but i'm shedding so i think i only have a couple of days of hair left. who cares, i'm kickin' cancer's ass!

July 16th, 2006 (series 1-day 21)- on saturday my depression came back worse than ever when i learned of more women who were on their 2nd and 3rd round of chemo. they also had neuropathy too. and they were braver and more positive than me too. i feel like everyone is braver than me. i started the antidepressant last night so i can't take the ambien anymore. i was up all night. cold hot cold hot. it sucked. this morning i was miserable. the antidepressant takes a while to build up in your system. i hope it works quick. the blister/bubble on my stomach has doubled in size and still hasn't popped. it is scaring the hell out of me. tomorrow i get to see an intern before chemo so hopefully they can reassess the situation. i hope it won't delay chemo again.

July 18th, 2006 (series 2-day 2)- good news. i am in a better mood so today's entry even with its complaints is a happy one. last night sucked. the antidepressant didn't make me drowsy so i was up till 3:30 am watching tv. my mind was racing so i couln't fall asleep till 4:15. i woke up at 6:15 so i only got 2 hours sleep. i hate not sleeping! as i mentioned before i started the antidepressant saturday evening but the problem is it takes 2-3 weeks to take effect. so my better mood right now is just me. monday i had taxol chemo in my shoulder port. days that i get chemo are really not that bad. all the nurses i have had so far are super nice and patient and even though they don't know alot about my cancer, they are experts at chemo knowledge and will answer any questions that you have and even take time to just talk to you. getting chemo doesn't hurt in my shoulder port at all. even though it is a long day my mom and john come so i have lots of company. we play cards, read, and talk, and they even have movie monitors. they also have a huge cafeteria so i can get yummy lunch. the chemo suite provides free drinks and snacks. and i felt really good when i left. alot of that probably was relief. when i first got there my port was clogged but they fixed that quickly. my intern dr. katkuri came and looked at my bubble which has now stopped growing, thank god (it's 1 inch long and 1/4 inch wide!). she said now she could say for sure that it is not internal. it's just that the skin in that spot never sealed completely so now it wont grow any bigger and it will eventually scab over and then become a scar. the only thing is that it will take 2 months and it will be a bigger scar in that spot. no big deal. no one will ever see it. i am really happy that i don't have to worry about it anymore. she verified my CA-125 numbers and it was even a little better than the nurse had said. i went from 358 after surgery right before chemo to a 122 after my first 3 treatments. both she and my chemo nurse said that was a good and significant drop. the chemo is working!! another worry gone! last i asked about the neuropathy. that we will have to wait and see. she is checking on a drug that may help slightly with that. so right now that is my only worry. down to one for now. goody. today i had the cisplatin in my belly port. i was dreading the 1 1/2 inch needle that hurt so much last time but this time it didn't hurt at all. they told me each time it gets easier. the only problem is that when they first put it in, they tested it and the saline leaked in my skin so they realized that it wasn't positioned right. it was an easy fix but thank goodness they test first. chemo in the skin is a scary thought because it eats skin. luckily all went well and i'm home now doing this diary. i feel slightly bloated but no pain or tiredness. i'm hoping that my side effects will be the same and not compounded. wish me luck. bald shot and wig shot coming soon. bald is not so bad. love my wig & my sleepy cap (keeps my head warm in the air condtioned bedroom at nights). on chemo and lazy days scarves are my new friend. bye for now. leah

July 23rd, 2006 (series 2-day 7)- wednesday i was feeling pretty ok so i went to speak with nora, a councelor from cancer care. she was very nice and was helpful to talk to because she was familiar with my disease. i was trying to stay active so i kept busy on thursday morning until i realized my legs and feet and ankles were severely swolen and i was slightly short of breath. i called my doctor immediately. 8 hours later when she got back to me i was a wreck. also my mom had a bit of a breakdown and that severly added to my stress. friday and saturday i had to stay in bed all day off my feet because i was in fear of clotting. constipation since wednesday so i took a stool softener that did the trick of making my stomach feel better but kept me up all night pooping. no sleep again! that can't be good. i did poop out 5 pounds though so i guess that's good. when i woke up this morning my legs and ankles were much better but the heartburn is back. i am so nervous about chemo tomorrow because my neuropathy is getting worse each day and i'm nervous since that port mishap last week. i don't think the antideppressant has kicked in yet, if it has god help me because these last 3 days have been bad. i don't understand how others can be so positive. i try but every day it is something. i was happy about my CA-125 numbers just to find out they really weren't good enough. i know i shouldn't obsess but i can't help it. i try to think positive but nothing seems to work.
ok francine, here are my "brave" pics...

me bald, scarved, & wigged 7/23/06


July 25th (series 2-day 9)-sunday i felt awful. i thought my body was supposed to recoop during the week but it only got worse. i woke up on chemo day terrified and filled with anxiety. how much more of this could i take? once i got to chemo i felt much better. i got one of the nicest nurses, jeanette, who i had before and who had done my belly port before, so i was very relieved. my legs and ankles went back to normal, and as usual i felt better and safer at chemo than i do at home. the loud nurse i don't like wasn't there so it was very peaceful. i actually napped part of the day. i felt good until diarrhea set in at 10 pm and kept me up all night. i woke up this morning very weak and the neuropathy in my hands is now constant. also my jaw hurt all morning but has gone away now. i decided to go to lunch with friends hoping that would cheer me up but i was still depressed. i've been on the antidepressant for 10 days now. come on pills, kick in! i was panicking because i was almost out of xanax and my intern wouldn't prescribe more. she told me i had to get a primary care physician for that. i explained that i haven't got one yet because medicaid still hasn't kicked in but she didn't care. luckily today my gastro guy wrote me a script for a month and the pharmacy guy is charging me less because he knows i'm still self pay. this was a big relief. maybe tomorrow will be better.

August 5th, 2006 (series 2-day 20)- hey folks! sorry for big gap. my depression grew and i was contemplating taking down this page because i realized how depressing it was. my original purpose was to give people hope and instead i am probably scaring the hell out of anyone who may have been just diagnosed. also, although most of the emails i get are kind and inspiring, some are very depressing. those are hard to read. i have decided to keep it going because today is a good day and so were the past couple of days. so if you're reading this, yes, there are good days. yesterday i actually danced with my dog to livin' la vida loca. i smiled. i laughed. i worked. i barely even thought of cancer. the day before i went to the movies to see "over the hedge" (cute). i even went out to chinese buffet for dinner. on wednesday i went for my series 2 checkup and i got some good news/bad news. i thought i only had to do 3 21-day series (9 chemos). turns out i misunderstood and actually have to do double that, 6 series (18 chemos) so i am only one-third done. the scary part about that is the side effects. i am worried that they will get worse. i already have neuropathy and some ringing/thumping in my ears. the good thing about this is now i am not so concerned about my ca-125 number because i have plenty of time to get it down. i also have more time to not worry about whether the cancer is gone or not. sounds dumb, right. oh well, that's the way my brain works. i didn't get to see dr. chalas but i did get to see her partner dr. michael pearl. he was very nice and super informative. concerned about my neuropathy, he decided to lower my dose of chemo. i asked if this was ok and he said yes, there was a little "wiggle" room. the antidepressant has kicked in so i can cope better. great news is that i finally got medicaid! that was a big concern. now i don't have to worry about my bills or medications. what a relief! now all i have to worry about is getting well! this morning i went garage saling with mom. i got a bunch of cool kerchiefs/scarves for my head. most of them were 50 cents. now i have colors to match almost every outfit. scarves have become my new addiction replacing designer bags. monday i go back to chemo. i have stopped calling it "that poison". it's new name is "that life-saving treatment".

August 9th, 2006 (series 3-day 3)- on monday they had trouble getting a blood return on my shoulder port so jeanette had me lean to one side and it started right up. after i was done i remembered to ask about the dosage and learned it was the same. i called the doctors office to find out why it wasn't lowered. the nurse there promised an intern would come to speak with me on tuesday. on tuesday the intern told me that after a dicussion on me they decided to lower the cisplatin dosage. i was confused. i thought the taxol was what was causing the neuropathy. the intern told me that both can. i never heard that before. well, i hope it works. also, my face and chest got all flushed from the premeds but had cleared up by the end of the day. after chemo yesterday i went to macy's to buy some slide on sneakers now that i have fallen 3 times due to "clumsy feet". unfortunately, i do not own any flat shoes. goodbye manolos. hello keds. my plan was to buy a few pairs of keds in different colors, but of course the really cool designer sneakies were right next to the keds. had to get both. kitson of la (paris & nicky hilton's favorite shop) makes the cutest sneakers but they are more expensive. today i saw my cancer care counselor, nora. i always feel better mentally after talking to her. i feel a little crappy today and my legs and ankles are swollen again (not as bad as last time) so i have to go home and put up my feet. my face feels squishy. the back of my throat is sore and i feel fatigued. but Project Runway is on tonight. watching that with mom is fun. thank god for xanax. i took one when i got home and actually fell asleep and had a nice peaceful nap. this was good since i knew i would be up through the night and rest is very good for the body. i totally recommend taking xanax if you are stressed or in discomfort from neuropathy as long as you are someone who does not have an addictive personality because xanax can be addicting over time. i do not have an addictive personality so i only take them when i need them. i usually take one a day or every other day even though it says i can take 2 a day. i also take trazadone, the antidepressant, which is definitely helping. at first i was afraid of the side effects but it turns out the only one i have is the increased appetite which is good. i still have most of my eyebrows and eyelashes (they are going) so i don't have that "cancer look yet" but when they do i'm going to pencil in fake ones. and when it gets cooler i can wear my wig, yay.

August 23rd, 2006 (series 3 - day 17)- sorry for the big gap. no worries, i'm still here. catch up time. on friday the 11th i still felt well enough to go to dinner with my friend jeff who i hadn't seen in a gazillion years. the chinese food was delicious and it was so great just to get out and feel normal for even a couple of hours. on monday the 14th i completed my 9th treatment so i'm half done. a good thought but a scary one at the same time. around the same time the antidepressant stopped working or i just became more depressed, so my doctor upped my dosage from 50 mgs once in the morning and once at night to 100 mgs in the morning and 100 mgs at bedtime. it took a couple of days to kick in but i'm coping better now. i used to crawl out of bed everyday at 10 am. now my body wakes me up every day like clockwork at 6:30 am. what's up with that? i HATE waking up early. my mind races, i've got the jitters, and i can't fall back to sleep. it sucks. most mornings i have to take a xanax just to get some peace. last wednesday i had an appointment with my new primary care doctor. unfortunately, on my hour drive there, we got a flat tire and missed the appointment. the next day i finally find a local doctor that will accept medicaid and i go to make the appointment and i'm told that medicaid says i'm out of doctor visits. seems i'm only entitled to 10 clinic/doctor visits. i guess the morons at medicaid think cancer goes away like a cold. so pissed as hell, i call medicaid. i find out that i have to get my doctor to fill out an extension form that says i need more visits. no problem, but it takes them 3-4 weeks to process the application. what is wrong with this picture? so now i have to wait 3-4 weeks to get a primary care doctor near me. aaaargh. on a happy note, i feel weak and tired, but thank goodness, no new symptoms. today i went for my series 3 checkup. i didn't ask my numbers but my doctor said my counts are going down so the chemo is working. yippee. one hour till project runway. double yippee.
there is a wonderful website www.chemoangels.com that sends cards and gifts to people undergoing chemo. i have been assigned 2 angels. one of them sent me flowers. big beautiful daisies in every color. i wish i could give her a hug. when i beat this cancer i am going to become an angel too.

August 31st, 2006 (series 4 - day 3)- this past saturday & sunday we had a big garage sale scheduled to get rid of the tons of crap my mom and i have. unfortunately it rained till 11 on saturday, but at least we got in a half day which left us with a little profit after the cost of the newspaper ad and the flyers. by the end of the day i was exhausted. sunday was a wash out so now we are donating most of the stuff to charity. yesterday i had cisplatin belly chemo. the nurse colette got the needle in the port right away so that was a big relief. also, chemo went pretty fast yesterday so i was out by 1pm. today my throat (back of mouth) is a little sore and my tummy hurts a little but i took some malox and that helped some. my neuropathy is a tiny worse but these are all the symptoms i had last time, so i'm doing ok so far. alot of patients are scared that their chemo will be compounded and they will feel worse and worse each time. that is how i felt but so far, since they have lowered my cisplatin dose, i've been lucky and my side effects are about the same - knock on wood. i have been lucky. some of the side effects i have heard about i've been lucky enough to avoid. no colds, infections, bad sore throat, joint pain, nausea, bad diarrhea, warts on head, black fingernails, chills, or fever. the worst side effects i've had so far are stomach discomfort, fatigue, ringing in ears, little red dots, & neuropathy. this may change by tomorrow, but so far, so good. also my body is handling the chemo ok. my bloodwork is good. my counts are good. no anemia, low potassium, or any other problems. my friends flora and norm call me every weekend all the way from china. they are there with their daugther, son-in-law, (and grandkids) who are adopting a chinese baby girl. it makes me feel great that they call me from so far away. i miss them alot. i can't wait to see them in october. my chemo angel lisa sent me the best card. it reminded me that i have to breath and relax more. my angel amanda sent me cool fashion mags, a giant chocolate bar which my mom and john split, an adorable puzzle, and even a homemade card that her sister made. these angels really brighten my days. going to boil some eggs for breakfast. all the other cancer patients out there, and their families, have a peaceful and healthy day. leah

September 19th (series 5 - day 2)- thanks shoshana for your wonderful calls, lisa for all the cool magazines, and sylvia for your cheer me up cards! my ca-125 numbers are going down well but i stll have a little ways to go. i started out in the thousands before surgery. after surgery i my cancer marker was 358. after series 1, 122. after series 2, 95. after series 3, 71. after series 4, 45.
i have 2 more series to get it below 20, so things look good. don't want to start celebrating yet. i feel pretty good and so far the side effects have not been that bad except for the neropathy which gets better during the breaks. i felt well enough this weekend to do 2 street fairs and make some money. joe, i know you are reading this. stop being goofy and call me already! hope all my new peritoneal penpals are doing well.

September 27th, 2006 (series 5 - day 10)- chemo hit me wednesday night. i was so fatigued i could barely keep my eyes open and missed the 2 hours of tv i was looking foward to. the tiredness doesn't bother me so much. at least no pain or other side effects. i think my body is getting used to the chemo. only 4 more treatments to go. thank goodness. i have a slight cough which i have had for the last week and a half but luckily it hasn't gotten worse.

October 9th, 2006 (series 6 - day 1)- hello everyone. still here! i have finished my fifth series and i am starting my sixth and final series today. i am at the hospital right now getting shoulder chemo. i've got one more treatment tuesday and another next monday and i'm all done. i had a meeting with my doctor on what's next. after this series i get an extra two weeks to relax while the chemo gets out of my system and does its final battle with my cancer. i am hoping it killed all the evil cancer cells. in november i have to go for a cat scan. that will occur the week before thanksgiving. hopefully there will be something for me to be thankful for. so, half way through chemo today my port stopped working. no one could figure out why. it was very stressful. i had to continue my chemo through an iv and they couldn't get my port fixed. so i have to take my shoulder meds via iv tomorrow. luckily those only last about a half hour. i have about 10 eyelashes on each eye and remnants of eyebrows. the good news is that my hair is growing back in. i kinda look like a chia pet.

October 16th, 2006 (series 6 - day 8)- my last day of chemo! everything went smoothly. my shoulder port worked smoothly for a change and my belly port was easy today. i am happy to be done with chemo but terrified of what comes next. the unknown. waiting 4 weeks to see if i still have cancer. at least i should have two or three weeks of feeling normal. i have to say how lucky i am that i was able to go through the 18 treatments without getting sick or going off schedule. staying on schedule is very important so hopefully i have that in my favor. i still haven't gotten my series 5 markers. the intern who promised to call me with the results never did. par for the course.

October 20th, 2006 (after chemo!)-
so here's me after 18 treatments of taxol & cisplatin.
not so bad for someone who feels like crap and thinks of cancer practically every minute of the day.
i do have a lot to be thankful for though. although i have a slight ringing in my ears maybe once or twice a day, i don't think i have any hearing loss from the cisplatin, and if i do, it's not noticeable enough to care. and i'm sure the ringing will go away. the neuropathy is still in my hands and feet, but not in my arms or legs that i can notice. my hands only bother me a little at night or sometimes when i'm trying to type. i notice i have to be careful about sticking them in hot water because sometimes i don't feel the heat till it's too late. my feet still feel like i'm walking on the moon, but at least i don't need to walk with a cane. i think i could jog if i wanted to, but for now i will stick with walking till i feel a little stronger. my feet tingle at night but i think that will get better soon. my doctor said it could take up to a year before it goes away and that i might always have a residual effect of it, but i'm betting in a month from now i won't even notice it at all. my stomach is still a bit temperamental, but i can pretty much eat what i want. now that chemo is over, i plan on eating healthier. when i was on chemo i pigged out on icecream and red meat and everything fattening to build up those calories, but now that i lost 25 pounds, i want to keep it off. right now i weigh 146. after surgery i had lost 30 pounds. gained back 7 during chemo. my goal weight is 139 so if this damn fatigue would go away, i can go back to a more active lifestyle. all my jeans are falling off me so i've been living in sweats. totally not my style. no more diarreah or constipation. knock on wood. i still feel fatigued in my arms and in general, but i just had chemo on monday so i'm basically whining. my only real physical complaint is my belly port. it seems to be a little sore and it bothers me when i laugh or stretch. i hope my body isn't getting sick of it. hopefully i will have it removed soon before it causes any problems. mentally i'm still depressed. when i start to worry or can't sleep or my mind is racing, i take a xanax. lately i've been taking more than i did before, but as i start to feel better i will cut down. i never take more than 2 a day. i still take the antidepressant but i'm hoping to cut down on that since it increases appetite. i'm going to try and not worry about cancer for the next 4 weeks but i'm sure that's impossible. i know i have to stop worrying about reoccurance and take one day at a time, but it's so hard when everyone that writes to me has reoccured within a year, some as early as a month. maybe i will be like francine, and beat the odds. you never know. if it turns out that the cancer is gone for now, i'm planning a trip to turkey.

November 2nd, 2006- hi. it has been 2 1/2 weeks since my last chemo treatment and 2 1/2 weeks till my cat scan and finding out if the cancer is gone for now. i just got my series 5 ca-125 marker. it was 28. that's really good, not perfect. i took my series 6 blood test a couple of days ago. hopefully it will go down to 15 which means the cancer would be considered in regression. that would be a wonderful thing. mentally i have my good days and bad days. as time goes on i feel better but i'm also more conscious about time. i am really nervous about the cat scan but i try to keep busy to keep my mind off it. when it does pop into my head i try and think very positively. the cancer will be gone and will stay gone!!! physically i feel better too. the ringing in my ears is almost gone. the neuropathy in my hands is better. the neuropathy in my feet has actually gotten a little worse or maybe just more noticeable. they feel cold and numb all the time and it's hard to wiggle my toes. i hope they get better soon. i know i just have to be patient. good news. today was the first day that i managed to get out of bed without feeling fatigued and i didn't have to take a nap during the day!

November 4th, 2006- went to see the movie Borat! last night. OMG!! that was the funniest movie ever!! i laughed so hard i cried. and since laughter is really good for you, i highly recommend this movie for cancer patients and families and everyone else! disclaimer: if you are very conservative or are easily offended or don't like humor that makes fun of jews, blacks, homosexuals, and everyone else, then you may not want to go see this movie. i, however, haven't laughed this hard in a really long time.

November 16th, 2006- it's been one month since chemo. physically i feel like my old self. i even did a three-day pet show this past weekend being on my feet for 10 hours each day and i didn't even get tired. i can even jog a little. i actually felt great and for a little while i almost forgot about this stupid disease. after the show though reality set in being that my cat scan is only four days away. i am terrified and a bit depressed. i want to believe that the cancer will be gone but i'm still scared. good news is that the stupid bubble on my stomach finally popped and all the icky puss came out. it healed up the next morning and it looks like it's on its way to becoming an ugly scar instead of an ugly bubble.

November 20th, 2006- today i went for my follow-up cat scan to see if the chemo worked. i was dreading this for the past two days and i was not looking foward to choking down the 32 ounces of nasty chalky stuff you have to drink before you take the test. well, this time it was much easier. i only had to wait fifteen minutes before they took me. this time i only had to drink 16 ounces of the chalky stuff and it was berry flavored so i was able to get it down in 5 minutes. the cat scan went quick with no problems and everyone was really nice. now the waiting begins. i get the results wednesday.

November 22nd, 2006- REMISSION!!!!!!!!! that's right folks, i'm officially in remission for now. i found out today. my cat scan said that there is no ascites fluid, no peritoneal masses, no metastatic (spreading) disease or lymphadenopathy (swelling of lymph nodes). basically, my abdomen is cancer-free for now. this is best result i could have possibly gotten. i am really happy and excited but i don't want to get too happy as i know that eventually the cancer is likely to return. of course, maybe it won't! i have won the first battle and that's what counts. my ca-125 marker is now 17. that's really good. i did get some disturbing news. my doctor said that for stage 3c ovarian cancer, survival rate is 45% living 5 years plus, not 70% as i was previously told. that's kinda scary. he did tell me that he has had quite a few patients that were stage 3c who lived past 5 years. i just have to learn not to get too far ahead of myself with worrying. i'm in remission! there was a tiny spot in my lung on the cat scan but they're pretty sure it is nothing significant. in 2 weeks i am going for a chest cat scan just to make sure it is nothing. around the same time i am having my belly port removed. at that time as long as they have me on the table they are going to do a quick exploratory to double check that everything is ok. then after that, as long as all is well, i move to checkups every 3 months. that sounds great to me! today i rejoined my gym and walked 2 miles. turkey & jordan here i come!
everyone have a Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!!
now i have something truly to be thankful for.


November 27th, 2006- hope everyone had a happy and healthy gobble gobble day. mom, john, and i went to a brazilian restaurant where they bring you different meats on a stick until you just cant eat anymore. it was a huge restaurant and we were the only ones there. i guess most people don't think of going to a brazilian restaurant on Thanksgiving. i felt bad for the owners. it was the best Thanksgiving Day meal ever. and besides their regular food they also had all the typical holiday fare. i had turkey and cranberry sauce and sweet potato and fresh mozzerella and fried bananas and chocolate moose and drank alcohol (sangria) for the first time since i was diagnosed. yum yum yum! the next day i did 3 miles on the treadmill instead of 2. saturday night i had a remission party in the city with my friends. we went to a thai place called Penang. we all sat in a big hut with a grass roof. it was alot of fun.

December 7th, 2006- last friday night i went for another cat scan to check up on my lungs and upper organs. wednesday i got the results. more good news. all is clear. went to nobu for dinner to celebrate. got tipsy on sake. afterwards we went to rockefeller center to see the tree. it was beautiful. i looked back at what i went through during chemo and i realized how lucky i was that the chemo wasn't that hard on me. i had a much easier time than francine and others seemed to have. i feel totally fine now with a few minor exceptions. the neuropathy no longer bothers me but when i wake up in the morning my feet are a little wobbly for the first few seconds i walk on them. i notice i am a little bit more forgetful than i was before, but not much. the only lasting side effect i have that seems to be getting worse is the thumping in my head. i believe it is tinnitus caused by the cisplatin. unfortunately cisplatin causes hearing loss in one third of the people treated with it. it is kind of annoying and i notice it a few times every day, usually in the evening. as long as it doesn't get worse i can tolerate it. hopefully it will get better. next friday i am going to get my hearing tested so i will know the extent of the damage and whether it will get better. on a happier note, my eyebrows are back. i forgot how much i hate plucking! my eyelashes are coming along nicely and my hair is growing back. it's about a half inch long. i look g.i. jane. sadly it is a slow process and it will probably take 3 years to grow back to its original length. i miss my long hair. another thing is that it is growing in grey. before this i never had even one grey hair. thankfully, as francine said, "the carpet don't match the drapes." since my belly port isn't bothering me, i postponed my port surgery till january 4th. there's no way i'm closing the store during the holiday season. cancer has changed my life. before this i was not a worrier. i felt invincible. now i worry about every little thing. a mild headache, weight gain, the future. i'm even afraid to let myself relax and be happy. i'm afraid after time i will start to think that this is all behind me and then if it does return, i'll be crushed again. oh well, that's life for me. i will just have to make the best of it. good thing i have my little chihuahua by my side.

December 15th, 2006- went and got my hearing tested this morning. my doctors never did a baseline hearing test before the chemo, so when they tested me today they had nothing to compare to. good news is it turns out i have above average hearing and there has been no damage to my hearing organ, so there is no hearing loss and there will not be. Happy Chanukah!!!

December 22nd, 2006- my eyelashes are done, back to their thick beautiful selves. i missed my eyelashes. i'm really glad they're back!

December 25th, 2006- MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

January 2nd, 2007- physically i feel terrific, like my old self. i walk 2 miles everyday and i have tons of energy. i am hardly ever tired anymore. the thumping in my head is gone and the neuropathy in my feet is almost gone. i hardly notice it at all. my stomach hasn't bothered me in months. i feel so good sometimes i forget, but sadly never for too long. it seems like my hair is taking forever to grow. fortunately, it has gotten thicker and darker but i still look like a pixie. mentally it's hard. i stopped taking the anti-depressant a few weeks ago because of the weight-gain side effect. i have been ok but a little depressed. that might be nerves related to my upcoming surgery. i have a pre-op appointment this thursday and then next thursday they are taking out my port. they are also looking around while they have me on the table. i am very nervous about that. not so much about the surgery as it is minor surgery, but about the cancer coming back. i am so scared that they will find cancer again. it is a fear i live with every day. i try not to think about it, but everywhere i look there are things that remind me of my condition. i'll be watching law & order and they'll mention that one of the characters has ovarian cancer and if she hadn't been murdered she would have died in six months anyway. things like that make me really sad. one thing that makes me feel better is that dr. chalas is doing my surgery. and on new year's eve i found something really important to me that i thought i had lost for two months. that's gotta be a good omen. hopefully 2007 will be a better year for me than 2006.

January 4th, 2007- so much for good omens, one of my best friends was just diagnosed with breast cancer a few days before christmas. she just told me today because she didn't want to wreck my christmas or new years. i am so mad that this has happened to her. hopefully they caught it early and she will be fine. today i went for my pre-op appointment. everyone was really nice and i got done in an hour.

January 11th, 2007- it's 6 am and i'm about to leave for the hospital. i am really nervous so i took a xanax. surgery is at 9 am. they told me it would be about 2 1/2 hours. that sounds long to me. everyone cross your fingers and say a little prayer that they find NO MORE CANCER! thanks. sorry to my friends that called me the past two days that i have not called back. i have been a nervous wreck. i should be out of the hospital and on my way home late this afternoon. if i feel up to it, i will write more then. no more cancer please.

January 13th, 2007- when i got to the hospital i was sent to the surgery prep suite. everyone there is so nice and they go out of their way to make sure they calm your nerves, answer all your questions, and make it as pleasant as possible for you. the last thing i remember is talking to my mom and john and dr. chalas. when i woke up i was in the recovery room. they had a nurse sit with me just to make sure i was ok. the surgery went smoothly and they removed my port. there wasn't alot of scar tissue in me so dr. chalas said they were able to get a good look around. she said everything looked good. there were no masses or tumors or fluid build-up BUT she did see a few tiny nodules on my intestines. it could be absolutely nothing or it could be cancer. they took a biopsy and i will get the results next wednesday. so it's a waiting game all over again. i tried to press her on the issue but she said there was no way of telling until the biopsy comes through. last biopsy was bad news. hopefully this one will be good news.

January 18th, 2007- so much for 2007 being my year. last night i got the news. the cancer is back. for all they know it may never have been truly gone. it turns out that while they were doing the surgery they put some fluid in me and swished it around. when they took the fluid out they had it analyzed. usually the cells in it are normal. not mine. it showed cancer cells. my doctor seemed very discouraged. now it turns out i'm getting a new doctor, a medical oncologist. i have no idea why. there were a million questions i wanted to ask when i had her on the phone but i was in such a state of shock all i could do was listen. my ca125 went up also to 23. dr. chalas told me they would see me in 3 weeks. i don't understand why i have to wait three weeks. i asked her what comes next and she said that they may or may not do chemo. what the heck does that mean. i am so terrified. i have not stopped crying since last night. i feel like my life is over.

January 21st, 2007- saw this card today. bah humbug.

January 23rd, 2007- since i got the news i have been really depressed. to add insult to injury, a few hours before i got the bad news, some idiot girl on a cell phone crashed into my truck and totaled it. i loved my truck. the insurance company came and looked at poor crushed Beaula and told me she was a lost cause (kinda like me). the thing is that she was in perfect condition and didn't have hardly any miles on her for her age (also like me). the problem is that because she is 10 years old, book value won't even cover the damages even if she could be fixed, and the money i'm gonna get from the insurance company won't pay for even a quarter of a new truck so i'm basically screwed. i guess god thought that a deadly disease wasn't quite enough. if i sound bitter, i am. i try to stay positive but things keep getting worse and worse. like i needed more stress in my life. i need a car to get to doctors' appointments and future chemo. i have no idea what i am going to do. i went back on the anti-depressant and if it wasn't for xanax i don't think i could make it through the day. i've stopped crying, but the depression has really set in. it's so hard for me to get up in the mornings. i should be going to the gym, and i'm not, so i've gained weight. i can barely concentrate on work. i have a doctors' appointment on february 7th to presumably discuss the next step. my guess is that they are going to want to put me on doxil. oh goody. more crappy side effects and feeling sad and yucky all the time. i also have an appointment on the 9th at memorial sloan kettering with a new oncologist named dr. troso to get a second opinion on what to do next. also, sloan kettering is 5 minutes from my house as opposed to the hour and fifteen minute ride i have to take now.
for those of you who have written to me wondering what happened to francine milano and her website, she is ok and is still in remission (yay). i spoke to her yesterday. she has decided to let her site go and move on. she had bonded with many emailers who all had our disease, and unfortunately several of them passed on. it was very depressing for her (and me too) and very stressful. several months ago she had a stroke (not cancer related-she also has diabetes) but she is much better now and moving on with her life. i guess i will have to take her place and pick up where she left off. good news for all my ppc sisters, no one on my list has passed on so far. that helps make me feel better.

January 24th, 2007- OMG!!!! boy have i got news! this whole cancer thing has been such a rollercoaster ride but incredibly today both Beaula (my truck) and i got a repreve. i don't even know where to begin. at 4pm linda mailer, a nurse from my clinic called. i thought she was calling about the paperwork i was having fowarded to sloan kettering. boy was i wrong. she was calling me to tell me that although the cells they tested were abnormal there had been some disagreement as to whether that meant cancer. three pathologists at stoneybrook had looked at my cells that were taken from the liquid they had put in me. although they all agreed that the cells were abnormal, only the head guy thought it was cancer so that's what they had signed off on the report. there was also some question to this because all the other biopsies and tests had come up negative and it would be unlikely for this test to be positive when all the others were negative. seems they had also tested my bowel and something else and they were fine. no one told me. since there was some question as to my test results, my slides were sent out to sloan kettering for confirmation. turns out the cells were abnormal but it was due to calcification deposits on my port. sloan kettering determined 100% that there were no cancer cells so as of right now i am CANCER FREE! that doesn't mean that the cancer won't return. it could be back in a week, a month, a year, or maybe never. but at least i've bought myself some time. i was so happy when i got the news i was practically bouncing off the walls. not only did i get good news today, but so did Beaula. i found a garage today that is going to fix her good as new. she is going in for "surgery" on friday so hopefully we will be reunited some time next week. back to me, stoneybrook cancelled my appointment, and since i don't need any treatment right now, they will see me in two months. whoopie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i am still going to keep my appointment at sloan kettering just so i get my foot in the door god forbid the cancer comes back and i need them. on a sadder note, my friend mindy's breast cancer was worse than she thought. friday she has to go for a full masectomy. she is going to be fine but she is really really sad. i know you people out there don't know her, but she is the nicest, funniest, best person ever so if everyone could just say a little prayer that things go smoothly and that her sadness passes quickly, that would be great. thanks. tomorrow i'm getting up at 8:30 and going to the gym. i'm also changing my diet so my immune system stays in good shape. no more pills. no more xanax. hello pomegranate juice and veggies! now is a happy time.

January 25th, 2007- it's 6:30 am and i'm wide awake. i can't imagine ever being up this early except for the chemo days. it's just that my body is pumped with adrenaline and my mind-a-racing. the excitement of yesterday's news kept me up all night. you would think i would have slept like a baby, but no. it's 2 hours till gym time and i'm filled with giddyness, so in honor of it being golden globe & oscar season, i've decided to host the first annual peritoneal carcinoma awards.
and the winner is......
Best Mom Ever : Iris Dorfman - for being there for me every step of the way. for her unwavering generosity and kindness and doing anything she can to make this bearable for me. i truly believe there is not a better mom in this entire universe.
Best Man Ever : John Kelly - for taking this horrible ride with me and never getting off. for holding me as i cried myself to sleep. for never leaving my side and for loving me even on the hardest of days. for being the man every man should aspire to be.
Best Friend Ever : Mindy Fras - for listening to me moan on about cancer while struggling with it herself. for always having just the right thing to say to keep me from breaking down. for making me laugh and being a true friend.
Best Supporting Friend : Lisa Hesselbarth - for bringing me tons of cool magazines to read during chemo that she got from the creepy guy at her office who has a crush on her.
Best Supporting Friend in a Reality Life : Melissa Iris - who is 25 and gorgeous and has the perfect life and yet manages to distract me from cancer by complaining about her life.
Best Prayers : a 3-way tie between Flora & Normie & Sylvia - whose prayers i swear magically changed my test results from bad to good!
Best Angels : Amanda & Lisa - for all the cards and gifts you sent during chemo. for your empath skills. for your selflessness and kindness and for making the worst times bearable.
Best Doctor Ever : Eva Chalas - for fighting for my life. so far you're winning. also, for looking impeccably beautiful even to surgery!
Best Chemo Nurses : the staff at Stoneybrook University Hospital - for your compassion and patience and knowledge and hard work.
Bravest Women Ever : to all the women coping everyday with this cancer and all cancers.
Funniest Actor : Sacha Baron Cohen (Borat!) - for making me laugh during cancer and lifting my spirits
and last but not least, one insecure idiot award ...
Most Disgusting Excuse for a Human Being : Emma Horseface (not really her last name. i wish i knew her last name so i could print it here so that as she walked down the street people could frown and shake thier heads disapprovingly) the "fiance" of Danny the owner of Fabio's Pizza & Cafe in West Hempstead, New York. Emma Horseface is receiving this award for "cruelist statement to another human being". "i hope you die of your cancer". she actually said this to me while i was on chemo out of jealousy. just in case you ever read this, emma, you're insane if you think i could ever be interested in a man who spends $500,000 on cars and films porno in his pizzeria kichen (well, maybe if it was Brad Pitt) and i really can't help how someone else feels about me. sorry.
and so ends the first annual ppc awards. hopefully, definitely i'll be here next year to host them again.

February 6th, 2007- since i started this site i have met 17 other women (via the internet) who have peritoneal cancer. i call them the members of the peritoneal cancer sucks! club. i have started keeping records documenting when they were diagnosed, at what stage, what chemos they have taken, and their progress to date. carolyn was diagnosed the longest ago in june of 1998. the newest diagnosis was in december 2006. most of the women were diagnosed at stage 3c like me. only 2 were diagnosed at stage 3a. 5 were diagnosed at stage 4. the youngest member is 36, the oldest 82. most were diagnosed in their 40's to 60's. out of the 18, sadly 11 members have reoccured (their cancer returned within 7 months after completing their first chemo regiment). 5 are new (either still on their first chemo or completed recently) like myself. i have been clear for 4 months. only 2 so far have remained cancer free for 2 years plus. almost all the women took 18 treatments of taxol & carboplatin (or cesplatin). 3 women besides me had the belly port. carolyn has been battling this the longest at 8 1/2 years. francine has been cancer-free for 2 1/2 years. most of the women who have reoccured took doxil as their second chemo. most said it wasn't as bad as taxol & carbo. some of the other chemos that some members took were avastin, abraxane, erubicin, etopiside, fosfamide, gemzar, sorafenib, & topotecan. i don't know anything about any of these other drugs.
did anyone see that superbowl budweiser commercial with the guy with the axe? hilarious.

February 23rd, 2007- sorry to say i've got some sad news folks. my cancer is back. i went on friday for my ca125 blood test. got the results back yesterday night. my number went from 23 to 140! i was in shock when she told me. i was hoping that it went down although in the back of my mind i was thinking it probably went up a litte, but 120 point raise???? damb it! i don't understand how it could go up so high in just one month. that is so scary. it makes me believe that my cancer is the fast-growing kind. i did the whole crying thing yesterday. the depression is bad. and to make things even worse, on monday john paid for our non-refundable airfare to turkey. i was so sure i was gonna be ok for a while that i booked our whole trip. we were supposed to go to turkey and jordan for the month of may. now i don't know what is going to happen. i asked my doctor about it and she thought it might be difficult going away for 4 weeks while on chemo, and they want to start me on chemo right away. i have an appointment with sloan kettering on tuesday and stoneybrook on wednesday so i'll find out more. i'm really hoping i'll still be able to go away. i am sure both doctors are going to want to put me on doxil so if anyone out there can tell me how bad or not bad doxil is, please let me know. i need to know if it is going to interfere with me being able to fly, hike, swim, etc.

February 26th, 2007- i'm barely holding on. the news keeps getting worse and worse. my doctor had my ca125 retested on thursday. in just one week my ca125 has gone up to 177. the antidepressant hasn't kicked in yet so i've been crying non-stop. to add insult to injury i just got a letter from medicaid saying i've been denied renewal. are they out of their minds? now i have to deal with that nonsense. at least i'll find out more tomorrow.

February 27th, 2007- today i went to memorial sloan kettering to decide what to do next. first great thing is that they have one of the best reputations for cancer treatments in the country. they are always on the verge of new trials and discoveries. next, is that it is 5 minutes from my house. so much better than driving an hour and a half in traffic all the way out to stoneybrook. they have free valet parking so all you have to do is pull up to the front door and when you leave your car is waiting there for you. too cool! it is much smaller and quieter and cozier than the stoneybrook clinic. in the lobby is a giant fish tank which made me smile and a coffee machine which made john smile. the chemo room has its own private cubicals with flat screen tvs, cable, and dvd players. they have snacks and a fridge and the whole place seemed alot homier than hospitalish. instead of having a different nurse each time, i would have the same nurse, donna. met her today. she was really nice and very patient. most important, i met dr. tiffany troso who would be my doctor. i would finally have 1 doctor instead of 10. she is a gyn-oncologist and is very familiar with my particular cancer. once again, like dr. chalas she seems very curt and to the point. she didn't laugh at my jokes and seemed to get impatient with me at times. i guess that's just the way some good doctors are. she was young, very straight foward and knowledgable. she basically said that my cancer cells must be platinum-resistant otherwise the cancer would not have come back so quick. since the best chance for survival is taxol and cisplatin, and those were only a very temporary fix, i'm kinda out of luck. all the other chemos are basically life extenders, not cures. she told me that only 20-30% of people get any remission out of doxil which is her recommendation for my next step. she didn't have a strong opinion on one chemo over another. she did ask me if i was interested in trials, but i got distracted and forgot to pursue it with her. i'm guessing at this rate i probably have a year or two left unless some scientist comes up with some miracle drug. hey, you never know. more crappy news. they went to do bloodwork and discovered that my shoulder port was no good because it had flipped over. nurse donna told me that my port should have been flushed every 6 weeks. that's 3 times i should have flushed it by now and no one ever mentioned this to me. i'm kinda annoyed about that. dr. troso said that i should have the port removed and i could just do chemo through an iv since it is only once every 3-4 weeks. i wonder why she didn't suggest that i have a new port put in? oh well, my fault for not asking. i'll have to see what they say tomorrow at stoneybrook. she gave me a prescription for a cat scan for next week and scheduled me to start chemo on march 9th. doxil treatments only last one hour, yay. the only good news i got is that i can still go on vaction. i'll have to do 3 treatments before i go and one as soon as i get back. i just may have to cut the trip a week shorter and be careful about walking alot so that i don't get ppe (hand & foot disease) too bad. looks like my uggs are coming with me. i will also have to be careful about the sun in jordan so it's sunblock for me. no showin' off my vacation tan. hopefully they'll ok my trip tomorrow too. i just have to cross my fingers that the chemo is mild and doesn't affect me too much. i straightened out the medicaid mishap, thank goodness. i may even get ssi if i qualify. that would be really nice. well i have to go to bed now and repeat this whole doctor nonsense tomorrow at stoneybrook. it will be interesting to see what their plan of action is. i'm guessing it will be the same as dr. troso's. we'll see. march 6th borat! comes out on dvd. now i'll have something to watch at chemo.
my life before cancer

February 28th, 2007- this morning we drove to stoneybrook's brand new cancer center. traffic sucked as usual. parking was free but there was no place to park. the first thing i checked out was the chemo area. nowhere near as cozy as sloan kettering. curtains instead of walls and no tvs or dvds. they do have computer access though. i ran into several of my old chemo nurses. they were sad to see me back but made me feel so at home. i met my new doctor (if i stay there). his name is andrzej kudelka. he is the nicest doctor i have met so far. the milk of human kindness. he was funny, well-mannered, patient, a good listener, straight foward, very detailed in explaining things in a simple way, everything i am looking for in a doctor personality wise. he is an older polish gentleman with many years of gyn & other oncology experience. he was also very thorough. these things made me feel very confident about him. he did a pelvic/rectal exam which they didn't do at sloan. he also checked my feet, mouth, and chest. unfortunately when he did the pelvic exam as he looked up my "love canal" he could spot small nodules. he could also feel them with his fingers during the rectal exam. he believes the cancer has returned and is resting on the bottom of my abdomen. i asked him about my life expectancy. he warned that it was just a guesstimate, but quoted 1 year, maybe less. hopefully more. i explained how everyone on my list was battling, but surviving longer than that. then he pointed out the obvious. the people on the list are the ones beating the odds. the people who are not surviving are obviously not writing me, and therefore, are not on the list. i'm such an idiot for not thinking of that before. when i asked him about our vacation plans he warned that i might not feel well enough to travel. i said i heard the chemo wasn't that bad. he said that it wouldn't be the chemo that kept me from going, it would be the cancer. i never even thought of that being that the trip is just 2 months away. i got really depressed and started to cry. i thought my only problem might be the chemo side effects. i also was disturbed about the life expectancy thing. i feel like my life keeps getting shorter and shorter. like dr. troso, he didn't have a preference of chemos. he thought gemzar might be better for my trip since i would be doing alot of walking and be in the sun. the cons of that is the fatigue. i don't want to go away and not be able to do stuff because i'm too tired. we talked for a long time. i told him about sloan kettering and my dilema. so now i have to make 2 difficult decisions. where to go for treatment and what to do about my trip. too much stress for me!

March 1st, 2007- sloan sceduled a cat scan for me at winthrop hospital (the hospital that discovered my cancer back in may) on monday morning so i had to go pick up the contrast (yucky chalky drink) this morning. don't ask me why i couldn't just drink it when i got there on monday. argh. anyway, when we woke up in the morning, our dog holly the pit bull looked terrible. three weeks ago we noticed that she had lost some weight and was looking slightly older and greyer. she was still active playing and prancing but her movements were slower and she tripped on the stairs a couple of times. we chalked this was old age and maybe a little arthritis but nothing serious. in the last week though she hardly ate her food, peed and pooped in the house (she never did this before), and seemed not as well. we woke up this morning. the whites of her eyes were yellow, she seemed bloated, and was breathing heavily. i immediately called the vet and they told me to bring her right over. when we got to the vet they took us right in. our vet, dr, devito examined her and diagnosed that she had jaundice and it was very serious. she was pretty sure the cause was liver disease due to cancer. she also felt a large tumor. how could we have not noticed this? we play with her and pet her and look at her every day, yet we didn't realize how ill she was. she was tugging rope and catching balls. if only she could have told us. dr. devito took several blood tests to get more information. she also prescribed 3 different drugs including an antibiotic to make holly feel better. her prognosis was that holly was an older dog with cancer but with treatment we could probably buy her a few months and she would be comfortable. it was sad news but at least we would have some time to let her know how much we loved her. i asked the vet if it was inhumane to keep her alive and if she was suffering. she said that holly seemed lively and didn't seem to be suffering and that she had some time left before any decisions had to be made. we took her home and tucked her into her favorite bean bag chair. then we ran our cat scan errand. afterwards we went to the travel agent to see what their policy on changes and cancellations were since i didn't qualify to travelers insurance due to my prior condition. good news was that if i had to cancel due to illness john could get a full refund on our international tickets on lufthansa. on royal jordanian we would lose $100. not so bad. the bad thing is that if i just shorten the trip we lose $500. double argh! i decided to wait to make any decisions about the trip and see what the cat scan shows and how i tolerate the doxil. also, the bloated feeling has returned to my tummy. i'm upset that the acites may be back. if so i might have to be drained again. ick! i hope that they can do that during chemo. fast foward to 4pm. john goes home and checks on holly. she has peed and pooped in the house again but john tells her it's ok, it's not her fault. she seems to be resting comfortably on the bean bag. john comes back to the store. at 5:30 the phone rings. it's my mom. she just got home and found holly still on the beanbag lying on her side making a horrible choking noise and looking stiff. we got home within 3 minutes. when i ran down stairs my heart broke. the minute i looked at her i knew the end was near. we picked her up and rushed back to the vet. in the car she could barely move but i could tell she could here us. we talked to her and told her about going for walks and yummy treats. we got to the vet and they took us in immediately. dr. devito came right in. she looked so sad and she said "oh my goodness" and "oh dear". we asked her what to do and she told us holly was gone. then we noticed that her eyes had rolled back and she was still. i asked if she was sure. she was. we sat there for another half hour and held holly and talked to her and cried. dr. devito said that she probably was waiting for us to come home and when she knew we were there she let herself pass on in peace. at least she died in our arms, not alone. at least we didn't have to make the decision to put her down. at least she didn't suffer too long. still it was devestating. and the irony, she died of cancer. my friend who was diagnosed with breast cancer in december, her dog was diagnosed with cancer in january and was suffering and she just had him put to sleep. i felt so awful for her. now i go through the exact same thing. one hell of a rotten coinkydink if you ask me. holly was a wonderful sweet dog, a beloved pet and friend. she will be missed dearly.


March 9th, 2007- i made my decision. i will now be a patient of memorial sloan kettering. it's one hour till i go to sloan for chemo. i woke up a nervous wreck this morning. i took my last hot shower for a long while. i stood in the shower thinking about it and bawled my eyes out. i am nervous about what the cat scan i took monday will show. it's amazing that i have this horrible cancer and yet i feel great. i should be grateful for the little things. i think of myself as a really good person. i'm kind & generous. i don't lie (only little white ones to spare people's feelings sometimes), cheat, steal, or do anything bad for that matter. i give to charity. i do good deeds. and yet, there are always others who beat me at it. like marion, who called me all the way from spain and stayed on the phone with me for an hour giving me a serious pep talk after reading my depressing life expectancy blog. then there's mae who sent me scarves to use as head coverings while i'm in turkey. both these women have been battling this monster for over 3 years, yet still have kindness in their hearts to be looking out for me. god bless you both.

March 13th, 2007- friday, march 9th i went for my first chemo session of doxil. it went pretty smooth. my port worked like butter. they gave me some benadryl so i was a bit groggy and couldn't really pay much attention to the benny hill dvd john had popped in. i got my cat scan results. it showed multiple little tumors, the largest at 3 cm is in my liver. big bummer. treatment including premeds took about 1 1/2 hours. what a difference from the 5-hour taxol experience. so far all is good, no side effects but my tummy has hurt all day. that could be nerves, depression, cancer, or maybe it's the doxil battling with the cancer. go doxil! i've taken 2 warm showers and eaten oranges. neither seemed to bother me. walked at the gym. my feet are fine (knock on wood). right now i am at sparrow tattoo where john is getting a tattoo of a rose with my name on it. the artist marc is really good. click here to see picture of john's tattoo

March 18th, 2007- so far doxil chemo has been not so bad. the first week i did have some heat in my hands when i went to bed, not too bad. the constipation for 4 days was kinda annoying because it made my tummy ache a little. one day i was a bit breatless. two days i was fatigued. i hate the fatigue the most. now i feel fine. i do hate all the little things like dandruff, acne, yellow teeth, and a few grey hairs that i did not have before cancer. last night after a yummy st. paddy's day meal of corned beef that my friends mike & lisa made, i went out to a local bar with my friends to celebrate. that was nice.

March 30th, 2007- today i went for my second treatment of doxil. i found out that my ca-125 before my first doxil treatment had gone up to 257. argh! today during treatment i held cold packs in my hands because according to doxil's website it decreases your chances of hand-foot syndrome significantly. "In a recent study, 94% of patients that applied regional cooling during administration experienced no HFS or mild HFS." both my doctor and chemo nurse were skeptical. they told me of the women who put cold packs on their heads to stop hair loss and that it didn't work. they don't keep cold packs there so i had to bring my own. i figure it can't hurt. i would also like to believe that the doxil website wouldn't lie to cancer patients. chemo went quickly & smoothly.

April 4th, 2007- while i was at chemo i mentioned to my doctor that i would be needing a refill of my trazadone. she was quite surprised that my other doctors had prescribed this for me. she couldn't believe i was taking it in the mornings and that i was still be able to function. all this time the fatigue i thought was caused by the chemo might have been caused by the trazadone. i have stopped taking the trazadone in the mornings and i noticed i was less fatigued this week. she prescribed me a new antideppressant, lexapro. if anyone has any knowledge of this drug, please let me know. i am starting it tomorrow. she promised it would make me feel much better and that she had taken it at one point and it had really helped. this past monday i hosted a big passover seder with all my friends. it was a ton of work and i was wiped by the end of the night, but it was great having all my friends over for a holiday meal.
click here to see picture of my passover seder
my doctor, dr. troso, gave me the ok to go away on vacation (yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) so today i booked more of my trip. navigating the turkish air website and trying to book my tickets online was worse than chemo. now i just have to cross my fingers that i stay feeling well. it's only a month away so i'm only a little nervous. i have chemo one more time before i leave and then again as soon as i return. i am going away for four weeks so i will be taking my fourth treatment a week late. she said that was ok. all that matters is that i feel ok, and she made me promise to by a pair of air nikes to keep my feet cushiony during all the walking.

April 16th, 2007- the doxil chemo has been very mild on me so far. the first week i have a mild tummy ache at bedtime and a little constipation. the rest of the time i feel fine except for the mild heat in my hands. my feet have been fine. i think the cold packs during infusion really helped. next time i'm going to put them on my feet too. the lexapro is much better than the trazadone. i have so much more energy. i still have sad moments and scared moments but they are less. so all my friends keep giving us movies to help me take my mind off things so i've been watching alot of movies lately. most of them are mediocre but i saw 2 really good ones this week. "children of men" (kinda dark & depressing & serious, but edge of your seat good) & "the pursuit of happiness" (really really good with a wonderfully happy ending). i highly recommend both.

April 29th, 2007- friday i had my third chemo treatment of doxil. it went fine. i put cold packs on my hands and feet while they did the transfusion. i don't know if it works or not. i guess i'll never know because there's no way of telling if my hands and feet will feel better than they would have if i hadn't tried this. all i know is that it's monday and my hands are really bothering me. not painful, but hot. when i carried down the laundry basket my hands hurt a lttle bit. my feet are a little warm too. also i feel a bit under the weather. just icky with a side of heartburn. i suppose that could be from the sushi and peppered cod i ate last night that i shouldn't have. but yum. some other bad news, my ca125 has spiked and is now over 600. i totally didn't want to know my number before i left. i purposely didn't ask and told john not to ask. but as she was doing my exam Dr. Troso tells me that my number had spiked. i asked if it was alot. she told me it was in the 600's but not to worry because that was from the blood sample taken after my first treatment and she reminded me that she had told me it takes at least 2-3 treatments, sometimes 4 before doxil really starts to work. she told me she had a patient who's ca125 was up to 2000 before her 4th treatment and then came all the way down to normal. it made me feel a little bit better but not much. 600, damn it! on the other side of things, i am so excited about going away that i was up at 7 am this morning with my mind-a-racing, mentally making a list of the 101 things i still have to do before we leave. the good thing is that it will keep my mind busy. the bad thing is that i feel crappy and i don't want to over do it. so with my list in hand at 9:30 i rush to my store so that i can make the post office before i open and do some errands.i get to the store, call my friend michelle, and she tells me that it's sunday. from the time i woke up i thought it was monday. i must really be out of it. at least now i have a day to rest and maybe squeeze in a couple of things on my list. yay! for everyone who has asked me to blog while i am on vacation and tell of my middle eastern adventures, i will definitely try as much as i can. almost all the hotels we are staying at have wireless access, but since i refuse to drag my laptop to tukey, i will have to rely on the hotels that have computer access. also, since i am old-fashioned, 90% of our pictures will be taken with film so i won't be able to upload them during our travels. i will have a small digital camera with me so i will try to take some important shots and upload them.

May 4th, 2007- i'm here in turkey folks and it's everything i've dreamed of. we left yesterday around 2 pm for our 4:30 flight. when we got to the lufthansa gate, they had upgraded our tickets to business class as promised. they had upgraded my tickets for "compassionate reasons" thanks to the wonderful henry bickel. when we got on the plane, we were in shock. the seats fully reclined to the bed position and had full body massage. we were greeted with mamosas & champagne and a smiling stewardess. if this is business class, i can only imagine what first was like. our flight arrived in frankfurt 7 hours later. we sacked out in the business class lounge till it was time to board our flight to istanbul. again, our tickets were upgraded. we arrived in istanbul slightly after noon today. we checked into our blue hotel. reception told us we had the best view in the joint and they weren't kidding! i was blown away by the amazing view from our window. we were practically on top of the blue mosque. we took a desperately needed nap and after splashing some water on our faces, we headed over to the blue mosque which was only a minute walk away. it was even more beautiful than i pictured. our photos do not do it justice. our timing was good because the place was practically empty and we could tour it in peace. a local guide gave us a brief lecture on the history of the building and about the muslim religion. it was really interesting. soon the guards were clearing the remaining tourists out because it was time for the 5:00 call to prayer. we asked our guide if we could stay. after a heated discussion with the guard, he told us we could stay as long as we sat quietly in the back and didn't take photos. no problem. i was so enchanted listening to the call to prayer and watching the muslim men pray. i even said a little prayer myself. i was so at peace. after this, we walked around the local market. i already started making a list of all the things i wanted to buy including the little statues of the blue mosque, aya sofya, and maiden's tower, some evil eye jewelry, and some great embroidered boots. we found a cute little turkish cafe for dinner and then sat in the courtyard and watched the whirling dirvish guy spin till even i was dizzy. our evening ended as i gazed out our window to the spectacular site of the blue mosque all lit up.

May 5th, 2007- it's amazing how at home i never want to get up early, but on vacation, i'm always so eager to see everything that 8:00 seems like a late start. while john was in the shower, i headed up to our rooftop to see the beautiful views of aya sofya and the sea of marmara. it's a perfect day. the sun is shining and there's not a cloud in sight. after our included breakfast, we headed back to the blue mosque to take some more pictures. i hadn't shot alot yesterday because i was enjoying the moment. this time the place was crawling with tourists. what a difference a day makes. i was smiling that i had the pleasure of yesterday's more peaceful visit. next we headed to aya sofya. Hagia Sophia, now known as the Ayasofya Museum, was the greatest Christian cathedral of the Middle Ages, later converted into an imperial mosque in 1453 by the Ottoman Sultan Mehmed II, and into a museum in 1935. it's a beautiful building both inside and out. next we headed to Yerebatan Sarayi, the basilica cistern. The Basilica Cistern is the largest of several hundred ancient cisterns that still lie beneath the city of Istanbul. This cathedral-sized cistern is a huge underground chamber capable of holding 80,000 cubic metres of water. It is broken up by a forest of 336 marble columns each 9 metres high. The cistern was built by the Greeks during the reign of emperor Justinian I in the 6th century. a cool thing about the cistern is that it was used as a location for the James Bond film "From Russia with Love". i'm a big james bond fan. the cistern was so beautiful and eerie at the same time. when i looked down in the water i could see lots of prehistoric-looking fishies swimming over the coins tourists had thrown in for good luck. turkey keeps getting better and better. this afternoon john had a bit of an earache so he rested in the room while i headed off to the grand bazaar. i was actually kinda glad he decided not to come because john hates shopping while i love it. the bazaar was filled with every kind of vendor imaginable. i don't know how i managed to not get lost. i meandered from antiques to fake designer bags to silver to sweets to souvineers, but my favorite thing was the row of shops filled with colorful stained glass lamps. they were so gorgeous, i wanted them all. they weren't cheap so i picked out a small one and bargained fiercely. while i was bargaining, two young japanese girls came in and asked the price of a lamp like the one i was getting. the shopkeeper quoted them a price (it was 20 lira more than i paid) and they said ok. i was thinking to myself, are they crazy? don't they know they should bargain. after they left and the shopkeeper was wrapping up mine, he smiled at me and told me i was a good bargainer. i walked around the market for hours. in the sweets section, i stumbled upon the most amazing site. there was a man in costume pulling what looked like taffy. when i got closer he asked me if i'd like a taste. i asked what it was. it was ice cream. i know you had told me the ice cream was different, mae, but this was not what i expected. when i first tried it, it seemed thick and chewy, but the more i ate, the more i wanted. turkish ice cream is fantastic. i can't even begin to explain the difference. the consistency is like taffy and the flavor really rich. it's a shame they don't have it where i live. i guess that's a good thing because if they did, i would want it every day. it was that good. to walk off the ice cream i took a long walk to the egyptian spice market. as i walked people kept telling me it was just a hundred meters down the road. about a half hour later i finally arrived. i have never seen so many spices in my life. sellers touted the many benefits of each spice. next i headed towards the Bosphorus to the galata bridge. from here you have a perfect view of the golden horn. all across the bridge fishermen were fishing. i was having so much fun that i didn't realize it was 7:30 so i headed back to the hotel. the walk back seemed to take forever. i must have walked a good 5 miles today. oh, and in case anyone is wondering, i have not had a single chemo side effect since i got on the plane. shows ya, it's just mind over matter. i feel great. i've walked a ton in my uggs and my feet don't hurt a bit. tonight there was a wonderful street festival and concert. walked some more. john and i feasted on meat pancakes from a street vendor. yum.

May 6th, 2007- today we started our day at topkapi palace. it's a big palace. more walking. the palace houses the famous topkapi emerald dagger and the Kasikci diamond, an 86-carat pear-shaped stone which would look lovely around my neck. one can dream. the grounds are filled with tulips of every color because the tulip is the national flower of turkey. after wandering the palace we headed to the modern city center of taksim. upon the recommendation of our friends flora & normie, i searched out inci, a hundred-year-old chocolate shop and stuffed my face with a delicious pastry covered in a thick chocolate sauce. this came accompanied with a lemonade which was more limey than lemony. and even though this combo doesn't sound like it would go together, believe it or not, it's the perfect combo of yum. later we checked out the four seasons hotel, which was originally the prison featured in "midnight express". for dinner we chose to take a short cruise to kiz kulesi, better known as the "maiden's tower". kis kulesi is an old tower dating back to 341 BC in the middle of the bosphorus between europe and asia, now transformed into an upscale very romantic restaurant. the rest of the evening was spent canoodling under the glow of the blue mosque. i really love istanbul. my time here was way too short, but on to more adventures.

May 7th, 2007- today we flew from istanbul to kayseri which is the local airport for cappadocia. when we arrived we were greeted by our dear friends flora & normie. just seeing them put a giant smile on my face. they live all the way in cally so we don't get to see them nearly enough. getting to spend this memory with them made our trip even more special. cappadocia is surreal. there is no place like it in the world. it's a place of cave houses, painted valleys, & fairy chimneys. it looks like something out of an episode of the flintstones. our hotel in göreme, a village set amid cones and pinnacles of volcanic tuff, is a cave hotel carved into the rock among the fairy chimneys. it's gorgeous. our room is bigger than most new york apartments with spot lighting on the floor and artifacts decorating the room. it has a living room, mini-kitchen, & a giant jacuzzi big enough for four which i can't wait to get in. we washed up and headed by pigeon valley for uchisar castle, a tall volcanic rock outcrop riddled with tunnels and windows, visible for miles around. here we would watch the sun set. along the way we stopped to gaze at the valley filled with what looked like the top of chocolate ice cream cones. the castle was a long and hard climb up, but i was the first to make it to the top. not bad for someone with cancer! for dinner we had the coolest thing. chicken, pork, beef, and veggies cooked in clay pots that we got to break open ourselves. quite tasty too. accompanying them were lots of yummy mezes (appetizers) and a 3-foot long flat bread that we devoured in 5 minutes. i stuffed myself to the brim. we headed to bed early, for tomorrow is our early-morning wakeup call of 4:30 am for hot-air ballooning.

May 8th, 2007- after dragging ourselves up at the ungodly hour of 4 am and waiting for 2 1/2 hours for the wind to die down, our balloon company informed us that it was not safe to take off today, it was just too windy. we were so disappointed. we immediately ran back to the booking office to try and get on a flight tomorrow. luckily there were 4 spaces left on one balloon so we rebooked the tour for tomorrow. oh goody, another 4 am wakeup. we went back to the hotel for the best breakfast we've had on this trip so far. not just a small buffet of cucumbers, tomatos, hard-boiled eggs, and jams, but anything we wanted. john got his favorite, a srambled egg sandwich. flora and norm went for the custom omlets. they even made me french toast. we had a breakfast host that remarkably resembled mr. bean. when i told him that he said, no, no, no, he resembled bond, james bond. he even said it like mr. bean. i couldn't stop laughing. on our way out of town, much to john's joy, we discovered a sign for a ufo museum. there was no talking john out of this. the place was actually kind of amusing. the man who ran it was a die-hard ufo fanatic. he had collected practically every ufo clipping from every magazine from every country. there were several rooms filled with pictures and articles filling every space of the wall. a couple of rooms had ceramic replicas of area 51 and a dead alien. our favorite part of the "museum" was a room with three plastic aliens performing an autopsy with a painted mars-like background and some plastic lights for effect. you could pose with the aliens and we did. off the beaten path, we visited a cave church. what was great about it is that we were the only ones there besides the church guide. he took us on a short but interesting tour of the church which included sliding ourselves down these steep narrow passages. afterwards he invited us to share tea and biscuits with him while he told us about his job and his family. next we went to the underground city of kaymakli. we climbed though caves 4 floors underground. this afternoon john and i finally got to test out our hottub. i had overdone it with the bubbles a bit but we were still able to find each other. tonight we went to a turkish dancing & dinner show. it began with sufi whirling dervish dancers. then came the turkish folk dancers. then dinner. then the belly dancers, the conga line, and the comedy part where the belly dancer dragged men out of the audience to belly dance. by the time the last belly dancer went on i could barely keep my eyes open. the show was great but it was a long day and we were exhausted.

May 9th, 2007- woke up at 4:30 again. crossed my fingers as we headed out to the balloon field. today the weather was much better, and slightly after sunrise we headed up, up, and away high above cappadocia. hot-air ballooning is so peaceful. we were all pretty quiet enjoying the beauty as we floated from one scenery to the next. the sky today was filled with balloons. i felt sorry for the people who only had yesterday to go and couldn't because of the weather. one man complained because it wasn't sunny enough for perfect pictures. i felt sorry for him that he missed the whole point. after our flight the crew served us champagne and we even got big flight certificates. i guess for $170 a person, you should get champagne and a flight certificate. as they deflated the balloon, the crew picked me up and tossed me on top of the folded balloon. i was told this was to help get the air out. i was about to take it personally, when one of the crew picked up john, tossed him over his shoulder, and plopped him onto the balloon. if he thought john would help get the air out, he was sadly mistaken. hee hee. today we went to the göreme open-air museum, a world heritage site. it's a cluster of rock-cut byzantine churches, chapels, and monestaries. inside some of the cave churches were stunning frescoes painted in the tenth century. even though some were chipped away, they looked pretty good considering they are over a thousand years old. we picked up our guide and headed off to see the stone camel. i think this major tourist attraction is a joke on tourists. i looked at the stone camel and didn't think he looked much like a camel. i guess i needed to use my imagination. past the camel we saw a stone figure that really looked like a duck. i wondered why the locals hadn't yet capitalized on this and surrounded it with little shops like back at the "camel". next we headed to devrent valley, land of the fairy chimneys. some of the lava statues looked like homes for elves or fairies. others, like giant mushrooms. at the roadway there was an old-fashioned turkish ice cream stand. i was in glee. we all got ice cream. i got vanilla. it was even better than the ice cream i had back at the grand bazaar. last we went to "love" valley. our guide explained to us that it got its name because all the structures look like penises. i thought he was kidding, but he was serious.

May 10th, 2007- this morning is a bittersweet one as we say goodbye to flora and normie. our time with them went way too fast. today they fly home. i wish they could have stayed with us longer. after breakfast and a quick swim, we were picked up and driven to the airport where we boarded our flight for antalya. there are no direct flights to antalya so we had to fly west back to istanbul, then southeast to antalya. by the time we got to anatalya it was already evening and we had little time to explore what's said to be a very interesting city according to our lonely planet travel guide. oh well, maybe next time.

May 11th, 2007- today we head to olympus to begin our 4-day/3-night mediterranean blue cruise along the southern coast of turkey. our idiot tour company was supposed to pick us up at 8am to bring us to the bus station to catch our bus to olympus but because the bumble-headed driver overslept, he and his friend had to drive us by car all the way to olympus. i was pretty mad this morning but was much happier going by car than bus. they dropped us off in what seemed to be the middle of nowhere and told us our bus to the boat would be there in ten minutes. an hour later i was relieved when a busload of our boatmates arrived to pick us up. the first people we met were a nice couple a little older than us from australia, bruce and denise. they had come from gallipoli where they celebrated anzac day. it's kinda like a veterans day for all the australian soldiers who were killed there during their world war I battle with the turks. our tour began with a pre-cruise visit to demre where we visited the church of st. nick better known today as santa clause. next we visited the ruins of myra. carved into the mountain are striking lycian tombs. next is the well-preserved greco-roman theatre which has several carved theatrical masks strewn about. they made for great photos. after all the walking i was happy to find a fresh-sqeezed orange stand where i got the most delicious glass of juice for a mere lira. john was happy to find a baby camel to pet, but not so happy when it's owner demanded money for the photo i took. i have a strict policy when it comes to paying people for their photos. i don't. i feel very strongly about this. if i am taking your photo it is because i find beauty and interest in you and i want to share that with friends and family. needless to say, the yelling turkish man was not interested in my photo policy. john kept trying to apologize for me but the man kept following us till john finally relented and fished the only coins he had out of his pocket. i think it was about 50 cents. even after john handed him the money he still kept yelling. at the dock in kale we boarded a dingy that took us to our gulet. a gulet is a small wooden sailing yacht. ours was adorable. it held 15 passengers and 3 crew members. our cabin was small but cozy. i love boats. they are so romantic at night. our boat took off at 1pm. first we saw the pirates cave, then the sunken city of kekova. by 3pm i couldn't wait to jump in and immerse myself into the crystal-clear turquoise blue sea. at first it was a bit cold but after being in for 5 minutes it warmed up. john jumped in for a minute and squealed that it was too cold. in the late afternoon we visited kalekoy and the ancient ruins of simena. up a steep hill and hefty climb was a byzantine ottoman fortress/castle with a spectacular view of this sleepy little village. below you could see several sarcophagi. here bruce took one of my favorite shots of john & i (before he got his goofy gilligan hat). we missed the dingy back to our boat so we paid two young boys fishing to row us back to the yacht. they were so happy to do it. i think i may have started a new business for them. in the evening our captain settled us into gökkaya bay. over dinner, which peter the crewman barbequed on the side of a cliff, we got to meet everyone and got to know them better. almost everyone was really nice. most of passengers were younger than us in their early twenties and were backpacking it through turkey. there were 8 people from australia, 6 people (including john & i) from the us (new york, north carolina, massachusettes, & cally), and one older gent from norway. his name was peter but i nicknamed him norway and everyone called him that. late after dinner there was an option to go by motorboat in the pitch black of night to smugglers inn, a cheesy but fun bar on the coast. i decided that i could easily outparty the twenty-somethings and went along with the youngins for a night of drinking and dancing. after two shots and three island drinks i was hammered. i was dancing to techno & house music and loving it. when i realized i coudn't outparty betsy, katie, jessica, davis (the skinniest guy i have ever seen in my entire life) & darren, i had katie motor me back to the yacht around 1 am.

May 12th, 2007- today was such a peaceful day. such a change from exploring and trekking everyday. we got to sleep late and awoke to a beautiful breakfast. then we visited the seaside villages of kalkan & kas. afterwards we spent the afternoon swimming in aquarium bay. the weather was hot and sunny and i even sunbathed a bit well-covered in my spf40. i jealously watched the australian girls with their perfect golden tans. i was tempted to take off my suntan lotion, but didn't. our captain looks like he's twelve years old. he's probably only 18. tonight we were blessed with the most amazing sunset.

May 13th, 2007- we started our morning at butterfly valley, a place that boasts 10,000 of the unique jersey tiger butterfly along with 35 other species. on our hour and a half walk there and back i counted nine. i was at least lucky enough to capture a picture of one. the walk took us to a beautiful little waterfall in the middle of a gorge. next we headed to ölüdeniz, a postcard-perfect beach with a little rocky mountain perfect for diving off. after enjoying a swim in the blue lagoon, john and i opted to go paragliding. driving up the mountain for what seemed like miles and miles did not ease my fears. when i talked john into doing this hours before i was much braver. now my nerves were starting to set in. the ride on the thin crumbling road on the side of a cliff didn't help. when we got to the summit of babadag mountain i was convinced that i couldn't do this. my tandem guide insisted that it was perfectly safe as he packed me into the chute. as we ran to the edge of the cliff, suddenly we were swept into the air - up, up, up, up, up. at first i was really nervous. at least the worst of it was over. then a feeling of calmness set over me as i looked down at the gorgeous view. we were floating quickly up and down but then came to peaceful float. i looked behind me and there was john floating up to me. he was so excited. "this is so much fun" he yelled. after a while my tandem instructor asked me if i wanted to do a flip or a spiraling spin. i was too much of a chicken but john did it. i was in disbelief. i could here his screams of glee as he spun about in the wind. i just couldn't bring myself to do it. we floated about some more till it was time to head in to belcekız beach. by the end of the flight i didn't want to come down. this is one of the most fun things i have ever done. we hung out on the white sandy beach and took a walk through town. our driver picked us up and drove us through letoon where we saw some cool lion carvings on our way to st. nicholas island to meet back up with our boat. we just made it back in time to be greeted by the crepe boat. the crepe boat is a little business run by a man and his wife. together with their little stove, they motor along from yacht to yacht, selling the most delicious banana and chocolate or honey, lemon and sugar crepes. well worth the 3 lira, they're to die for! this evening after dinner we toasted marshmallows that i had picked up at a local market in ölüdeniz. then the crew made our final evening even more fun with a bunch of really silly games that kept us all laughing.

May 14th, 2007- this morning we docked at fethiye harbour. at breakfast we collected each others emails and said our goodbyes. the good news is that most of us are staying in the same hotel in fethiye so we'll have a little more time together. when we got to our hotel, the v-go hotel run by the same cruise company, i was a little annoyed that it was more of a backpacker hostel than a four-star hotel which is what we were promised by our original booking agent back in istanbul. i would have been really upset but all our boatmates were there so i knew we would have fun. for dinner we all went to the outdoor fish market. this was alot of fun. here you get to pick out your own fish from the tons of choices they have. then you bring it to one of the little cafe restaurants surrouding the fish stands, and they cook it for you there any way you want. i got the prawns in garlic butter, and some tuna and snapper. yum. after dinner we walked through the bustling shops to car cemetery, a hookah bar where we enjoyed some delicious margaritas and a water pipe with apple shisha (flavored tobacco).

May 15th, 2007- our second day in fethiye began with a trip to the tuesday market with the aussie girls (katie, beck, amy, & kc). the front of the market is filled with fruit and veggie stands. i of course got an orange. it was only 25 turkish cents. that's about 18 cents. here in new york an orange is almost a dollar. next came the sweets section with dried fruits, nuts, lokum, and hundreds of turkish delights. john really liked the turkish delights. me, not so much. the rest of the market was a mish-mash of items from fake designer goods (jeans, bags, belts, shoes) to sterling and stone jewelry to clothes to tools and so much more. after 7 or 8 rows, the charm of being with 5 hot chicks began to wear off and john got restless and didn't want to shop anymore. the heat was getting to us all so we did one more row, then headed off to lunch. i was happy with my purchases of louie vuitton sandals for 7 lira ($5) and a small louis vuitton handbag for 30 lira ($20). the rest of the day we spent relaxing around the pool and i caught up on downloading my pictures from the cruise.

May 16th, 2007- today we took a package tour of the sultaniye hot springs & mudbaths, dalyan, kaunos, & ituzu beach. the aussie chicks joined us for the first half of the day. we started at the mud baths. floating in the mud was very warm and relaxing. after a good soak, we headed into the sun to bake. john looked like a statue. the mud and mildly radioactive mineral waters are said to be good for the skin. i wish someone had warned us how cold the showers were. getting the mud off was a project in itself. john took a dip in the mineral pool but it was too crowded for my taste. next we took a boat through the reed beds of the dalyan river to the ruins of kaunos. above the river, the facades of lycian rock tombs gaze silently down upon its spectators. john and i were really looking foward to visiting iztuzu beach, nesting ground of the loggerhead turtle where we were promised to see turtles. we were disappointed when we got there and there were no turtles. our guide told us it was off season but that's not what our lonely planet guide said. it also didn't tell us that our tour didn't include the highway robbery fee of 7 lira for a beach chair. i was pretty annoyed at this. as soon as the beach chair police were out of sight, we found two more chairs further down the beach where we remained undisturbed till it was time to go. our last stop on the tour was a snack bar/tourist trap touted as a "stork reserve" where you get to hand-feed a stork. again, we weren't told that you have to buy food to feed the ONE stork and that the stork especially likes the 3 lira cheese danish. i forked over the 3 lira and was pleased when we got to hang out with the stork exclusively because no one else was dumb enough to fall for this. in the pond in the back were two baby loggerhead turtles sunbathing on a mini island. there were also lots of ducks and birds who obviously also liked cheese danish. it was a long day and when we got back to the v-go we took a nap. we spent our last night in fethiye back at the bars celebrating amy's birthday. i'm gonna miss these aussie chicks.

May 17th, 2007- today we took a long bus ride to pamukkale. along the way at one of the rest stops we had the yummiest lamb gyro i have ever had. tonight john and i climbed the cliffs of pamukkale in the dark. i dangled my toes in the pool as we watched the little lights of the village.

May 18th, 2007- at pamukkale, hot calcium-laden mineral waters used to flow through a ruined hellenistic city before cascading over a cliff. as the water cooled, so the calcium precipitated and clung to the cliffs, forming snowy white travertines, the white stone waterfalls that gave the spa its name, "cotton castle". just another place in turkey (like cappadocia) that is one-of-a-kind. this place was amazing. i can see why it is one of your favorites, mae. first we visited the ruins of heirapolis. very nice but really just more old rocks. i practically ran through it to get to the travertine pools. one thing i hate about tours is that they rush you through all the good stuff. when we got to the pools we were told we would have a half hour there. it takes a half hour just to climb down to one of the uncrowded pools. i told our guide we needed an hour. she didn't seem pleased. we climbed down till we found a pool of our own where i stripped down to my tankini and plopped into the seafoam shallow pool. it was delightful. if i tried to describe this place, i couldn't so you better all go check out my photos (even those don't show off this place's true beauty). after this we went into the thermal pools filled with ancient ruins. the water was nice and hot. i think i'm supposed to stay away from hot water while on doxil, but i've broken so many rules, why start now. there was a little sign on the side of the pool saying if you have heart problems or are on medication, you shouldn't go in the pool. oops. too late. after the pool there were more ruins. at 5pm we boarded the bus for kusadasi. on the busride, we met a lovely couple, bekira & neno. they were on honeymoon. they were both from bosnia. she lives in australia now and is trying to get a visa for her new hubby to come live there. when we learned we were all staying at the same hotel, we made plans to have dinner with them. unfortunately, neno does not speak a word of english, so bekira translated for him. we walked through town and got yummy ice cream (not as good as istanbul). we had a really good time with them.

May 19th, 2007- today we went on a tour of the less-traveled ancient ruins of priene, miletus, and didyma. our first stop was priene, an important greek city of ionia dating back to 300 BC with greek and roman ruins. miletus, a bronze-age city, had remnants of theaters, stadiums, baths, giant columns, and big round stone things that looked like giant cogs. there were also lots of statues of lions. the third city we visited was didyma. didyma was the site of the stupendous temple of apollo, occupied by an oracle (a person considered to be the source of wise counsel or prophetic opinion; an infallible authority, usually spiritual in nature). my favorite thing about this place were the giant carvings of medusa's head and other gorgons. we did so much walking today that by the time we got back to kusadasi we were exhausted. luckily we made it back in perfect time to watch the sun set on the water from our hotel balcony.

May 20th, 2007- today we went to ephesus. ephesus was a greek city in ancient anatolia, founded by colonists from athens in the 10th century BC. The city was located in ionia, where the cayster river flows into the aegean sea, and was part of the panionian league. ancient ephesus was a great trading and religious city, a centre for the cult of cybele, the anatolian fertility goddess. in time, cybele became artemis, the virgin goddess of the hunt and the moon, and a fabulous temple was built in her honour. when the romans took over and made this the province of asia, artemis became diana and ephesus became the roman provincial capital. today the archaeological site lies 3 km south of the selçuk, district of izmir province. it is also the site of a large gladiator graveyard. thank you wikipedia. ephesus is one of the most touristy places in turkey, so of course, it was really crowded. i hate crowds. the last thing i want to see on vacation is other tourists. we could barely hear our guides' voice over the twenty other guides talking to their groups. taking pictures took alot of patience because most people are oblivious or just plain rude when it comes to photography manners. i always try to be considerate and aware of others taking pictures around me. too bad everyone isn't me. i was also annoyed because we were once again rushed from ruin to ruin. at the giant theater we were entertained by a chinese tourist singing opera. he was really good and seemed really happy with all the applause. along the way we also chose to visit the terrace houses (a group of wonderfully restored well-to-do homes complete with frescoed walls and mosaic floors dating back to 1 AD housed in an indoor complex). these were fantasic and definitely worth the extra $20 (and they were practically empty :) due to the price i suppose), but separated us from the rest of the group, so by the time we reached the library of celsus (the main attraction) we had no time to walk around and truly enjoy it. and don't even get me started about the obligatory visit to the leather factory where we were forced to watch some tacky half-hour fashion show of over-the-top ugly leather jackets. for gods sake, it's 85 degrees out. who in their right mind is gonna buy a leather jacket? we protested by walking out, annoyed that we had rushed through ephesus for this nonsense. the tour did include some other things that we did enjoy. after our wasted time at the leather factory, we headed to the original site of ephesus, the temple of artemis. the temple of artemis is one of the seven ancient wonders of the world. (now i've been to two.) today only one column remains of the temple of artemis and it is left standing in the middle of a field of toppled ancient stones. the temple of artemis was a holy site that drew pilgrims from around the ancient world. at four times larger than the parthenon in athens, it must have been quite an impressive site. the temple was built in the 7th century BC and greatly expanded by king croesus who had the temple redone in marble. it was then burnt down by a disgruntled fame-seeking worshiper in 356 BC. (how do you burn down stone?) our next stop was meryemana, mary's house. believers say that the virgin mary came to ephesus with st. john at the end of her life and was taken to this stone house, after what christians believe to be the crucifixion of jesus and muslims believe the rise of jesus to heaven, and lived there until her assumption into heaven. this christian and muslim shrine located on mt. koressos draws over a million visitors each year. as john and i entered the tiny chapel, i decided it couldn't hurt to say a prayer. i've prayed in temples. i've prayed in mosques. i figure someone's gotta be listening. so here i was praying in a church. i don't think my grandma would be too happy. john and i stood and prayed for a few minutes. it was starting to get crowded behind us so i headed out. i waited for john for quite a while. when he didn't come out i went back in to see what was keeping him. he was standing there with tears rolling down his cheeks. all i could think of was how blessed i was to have someone who loved me that much. my eyes were starting to well up, so i bitched for him to hurry up. when he came out we walked hand in hand, neither of us saying a word. down below the chapel are there are 3 fountains from which you can drink.... health, wealth and beauty. the waters are believed to have healing properties. you can also take a bottle of this water with you. i wish i had know that before i went there. i would have brought a little container with me to take some home. i rinsed in and drank from each fountain, spending the longest time at the health one of course. i saw a couple of people around the health fountain crying. i wondered if they had cancer like me. next to the fountains is a wall covered in rags. people tie bits of cloth (or anything at hand) to the wall and make a wish. others write their wishes on bits of paper and tie those to the