@LARGE By Scott Kirsner, Globe Staff, 10/16/2000
I'm guessing that a lot of harried Internet managers won't have time to read Mark Breier's new book, "The 10-Second Internet Man@ger." It's 153 pages, in hardcover. No pictures, charts, or screen shots. You can't get it as an e-book.
Not to mention the fact that Beyond.com, the California e-retailer where Breier served as chief executive before resigning in January, is struggling for survival after staff cutbacks and a classic dot-com TV advertising campaign no one remembers (do you?), its stock now trading under a buck a share. One uncharitable critic at Amazon.com (where Breier once served as VP of marketing, and where most of the reviews were positive), wrote, ''The book should be titled `How to Destroy a Company by Spending 10 Seconds a Day Managing It.''' What Internet managers really need, I posit, is "The 10-Second Internet Manager's Little Red Phrasebook." Rather than offering generic advice about conducting 360-degree performance reviews, making your company family-friendly, and sharing embarrassing moments at meetings, the "Little Red Phrasebook" actually tells you exactly what to say as you attempt to keep your Net company afloat. It's all about cutting costs, shortening the path-to-profitability, soothing investors, and retaining employees whose every instinct is telling them to flee. I present it here in its entirety.
Phrases for use with employees:
''First, the bad news: This quarter's company off-site is at McDonald's. The good news: Everyone gets their own Hamburglar finger puppet.''
''A massive exodus of top executives doesn't necessarily mean this company is moving in the wrong direction. In fact, it's commonplace for 19 people to decide simultaneously that this is the right time for them to pursue other interests and/or spend more time with their families.''
''Please try to conserve your business cards. From this point on, no more entering the raffles at trade shows, or using them to stabilize wobbly restaurant tables.''
''We're going to let the bike messengers go, and start delivering DVDs and Skittles by catapult.''
''The stock price does not reflect the value of this company, and don't let anyone tell you any different. This group of people, these customers, this technology is worth more than 66 cents a share. Hell, we've got more than that in the bank!''
''TV advertising is a rip-off. Print advertising gets lost in the noise. Here's a can of spray paint, a hot pink jumpsuit with our logo on it, and a couple dozen bumper stickers. Let's go guerrilla.''
''Some of you may have noticed the guy with the orange vest in the parking lot this morning. The spots in the front half of the lot are now $7. The spots in the back are $5.''
''OK, team, here's the deal: If you're willing to work nights and weekends until Memorial Day, we're willing to re-price your stock options.''
''We need more traffic to the site. Let's add a few keywords for the search engines. Instead of `business-to-business sewage treatment equipment marketplace,' can you change it to `live, all-nude business-to-business sewage treatment equipment marketplace?' And throw in `MP3' and `Pokemon' for good measure.''
''Auctioning the company's assets on eBay didn't go so well. But someone did pay $675 for Henry's mint-condition Princess Leia figurine.''
''Fixating on getting a paycheck every two weeks is merely a nostalgic vestige of the old economy.''
''The venture capitalists are coming to the office this afternoon. Let's make sure no one is using the nap nook while they're here. I think that would send the wrong message right now.''
Phrases for use with investors:
''We feel Christmas will give us a big lift. Everyone's saying Web-based expense-reporting software will be the hot gift this year.''
''By merging with our top competitor, we can gain economies of scale that will allow us to obscure the fact that there's no workable business here for at least nine months. By that time, the IPO window could be open again.''
''Sure, hurling a slide projector at the CFO is a tad extreme, but a little conflict is a normal part of a board meeting.''
''Dad, I know you and Mom always dreamed about retiring to Boca Raton. But wouldn't Billerica be just as nice?''
''Offering people discounts on groceries and gas with Priceline WebHouse Club didn't work. In fact, we had to heavily subsidize the discounts. But that shouldn't have any effect on our other businesses, like discounted plane tickets, hotel rooms, and home mortgages, which operate on completely different business models.'' (This phrase is most effective if you are Priceline chairman Jay Walker.)
''We think Wall Street will understand our story better if we shuffle our existing businesses around and create brand new divisions for them and brand new names for those divisions. This creates the appearance of taking action, and it prevents us from actually having to close money-losing businesses.'' (This phrase is most effective if you are CMGI chairman David Wetherell.)
''I understand that our valuation is going down for this round of financing, but at this level of investment, we're more like a coin-op washing machine than a start-up company.''
''We used to say that a rising tide lifted all boats. Now, most of those boats are filling up with water and starting to list. As one of the least-leaky boats in the fleet, we think we've got a great future.''
''Sal, I just need a couple more months before I get to the liquidity event. Please don't use that pipe on me. Let's be sensible here.'' (Adapted from ''Managing Your Loan Shark: The Illustrated Guide.'')
Scott Kirsner is a contributing editor at Wired and Fast Company magazines.
Just barely managing
