Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they enrolled him in the local Catholic School. After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room and starts studying. Books and papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for some time, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity, she goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"
Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head. "Well, then," she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?" Little
Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
A blonde calls her boyfriend with a problem:
"Baby Elephant walk"
There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of
frustration, he finally breaks down and and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough
examination and finally makes the diagnosis.
"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says."The bad news is that the muscles
around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure.", The guy, on the verge of panic,
finally regains his composure.
"So what's the good news?"he asks.
The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees.
It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you
like to try it?"
The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being
able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it."
So the doctor performs the operation.
Old man sitting on his porch
"What's the matter?" he asks.
"Well, I've bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."
"What's the picture of?" he asks.
"It's of a big rooster," she replies.
"All right," he says, "I'll come over and have a look."
When he arrives, she thanks him for coming over and leads him over to the kitchen table where she has it laid out.
He takes one look at what she's been struggling with and says,
"Oh, for crying out loud, put the Cornflakes back in the box!"
A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new
equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets
progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful.
Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure.
Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll,
then returns to his pants again.
"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?"
Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably...But I don't know if I can fit another
dinner roll up my ass!"
An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the
sunrise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under
his arm. He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back,
"Roll of chicken wire." Old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says, "Gonna catch some chickens." Old man yells, "You damn fool,
you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" Boy just laughs and keeps
walking.That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to
the old man's surprise, he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with
about 30 chickens caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sunrise and he
sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. Old
man yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back, "Roll of
duct tape." Old man says, "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says back,
"Gonna catch me some ducks." Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you
can't catch ducks with duct tape!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old
man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck
tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying
what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Old man
says, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"Boy says, "It's a pussy willow."
Old man says, "Wait up, I'll get my hat."
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
In order to insure
the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees,
it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our
program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.) We are trying
to give new employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.
If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job,
please contact your manager. You will immediately be placed at the top
of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing
that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Employees who don't take any S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL
EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS(D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take
D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING
(E.A.T.S.H.I.T.).
Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't
have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in training other
workers. We can add your name to the BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST
(B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T. will get
the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to the DIRECTOR of INTENSITY
PROGRAMMING (D.I.P.S.H.I.T.).
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD of TRAINING,
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.).
Thank you. BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G.S.H.I.T.)
