TO:              The Management Team

FROM:         Ronald Blather, Director of Human Resources

SUBJECT:    Revised Guidelines For Bring-Your-Pet-To-Work Day

As you know, last year's inaugural Bring-Your-Pet-To-Work Day did not go as smoothly as expected.  Despite the successful implementation of Bring-Your-Son-To-Work Day, Bring-Your-Daughter-To-Work Day, and Bring-Your-In-Law-To-Work Day, we clearly failed to anticipate the special needs of life-forms that are not accustomed to a busy office setting.  I'm sure that no one can forget the sight of Mr. Ferguson's rottweiler repeatedly mounting the late Edna Appleby.  And who could have foreseen that neon lighting would have such a stimulative effect on the appetite of a Komodo dragon?

Despite these regrettable incidents, and nearly $1.3 million in compensatory damages, the Chairman has agreed to schedule another Bring-Your-Pet-To-Work Day on Tuesday, November 5.  To ensure a smoother and more productive day for all species, we have established the following guidelines:

• As a general rule, each employee will be allowed to bring only one non-human pet to the office.  Exceptions to this rule may be approved by supervisors in the following cases:
  
  
  • small, non-flesh-eating fish pets;
  • pets born in the office on Bring-Your-Pet-To-Work Day;
  • Siamese twin pets; and
  • pets that are so devoted to each other that separation would inflict psychological damage.


• Unless securely restrained, a pet must remain in the office space assigned to its owner. (I recall that last year, staff members spent an inordinate amount of time searching for George Jarcho's python.)



• At the insistence of the security staff, mammals normally found in zoological parks (such as lions, camels, and prong-horned antelope) may participate in Bring-Your-Pet-To-Work Day only with the Chairman's express written permission.



• Staff members will be held strictly accountable, in both the financial and the criminal senses of the term, for their pets' actions. To that end, the legal department has drafted a four page "Acknowledgment of Responsibility Agreement" that must be signed by each participating staff member before November 5. After considerable internal debate, we have determined that it is not feasible to obtain a legally-binding acknowledgment from the pets themselves.



• Participation is strictly voluntary. We regret that last year several staff members who did not own pets incurred the considerable additional expense of using the Rent-A-Mammal service.

It is the Corporation's hope that these new guidelines will help us attain the stated goal of Bring-Your-Pet-To-Work Day: "To give members of other species in the Millennium Family a better understanding of, and sense of participation in, the activities of the Corporation."    In the near future, I will write to you again in our continuing quest to improve the management of the Corporation's human resources.