Millennium Corporation Memorandum

TO:              The Management Team

FROM:         Ronald Blather, Director of Human Resources

SUBJECT:    Revised Performance Review Procedures

As you know, our Chairman firmly believes that the Millennium Corporation's employees are its greatest assets. Granted, he also believes that an extremely small French man sits on his left shoulder, but let's at least give the Chairman "une chance" on this one.

In any event, the Chairman has expressed profound disappointment that the recent cycle of performance review meetings did not go as well as planned. In particular, he was chagrined to learn that a mob of disaffected employees had built the ritual Santeria bonfire that destroyed much of the eleventh floor. He was also dismayed at the news that several of our high-achieving division heads were locked in the electrical room with a freshly-killed weasel for a period of nearly one week. In light of these and other regrettable events, the Chairman asked me to take a fresh look at our performance review process.

After extensive consultation with all interested parties, as well as several employees, I have decided to make the following changes in the performance review process, effective immediately:

• Employees will be trained on appropriate ways of responding to supervisory criticism. Although the main focus of this training will be very positive in nature, at least one session will be devoted to a thorough review of the pertinent provisions of the State Criminal Code.



• Supervisors will be trained to avoid describing performance in terms that some employees may perceive as negative in tone. Comments that were poorly received during the last cycle included: "a dyslexic monkey could write a better report than this," "that memo you sent me this morning is a marinating mound of horse flop," and "if your skirts weren't so short, I'd send you right back to the whorehouse you came from."



• Performance rating terms will be positive in tone. Employees will receive one of the following three ratings:



• EOE-----------------Exceeds Our Expectations


• EYE-----------------Exceeds Your Expectations


• ETEOYWE--------Exceeds The Expectations Of Your Worst Enemy


• Performance discussions will only be held when an employee is on his or her best behavior. Discussions will never be held when an employee is highly-emotional or heavily-caffeinated, or when he or she has recently consumed a quart or more of 150-proof grain alcohol. Studies have shown that six a.m. is an especially calming time to conduct performance discussions.



• In the event that a performance review discussion takes an unexpected turn for the worst, supervisors are instructed to calmly exit the office by the most expeditious available route.

It is my sincerest hope that these changes will improve the climate of the ongoing dialogue between supervisors and employees. I look forward to our next round of performance reviews with optimism, confidence, and a 200 percent increase in security personnel. In the near future, I will write to you again in my continuing quest to improve the management of the Corporation's human resources.