For several years, the Stagebill organization has waged a commendable public service campaign by publishing a list of ten audience etiquette reminders in its theater and concert hall programs. This effort, which has been one of the most extensive public service campaigns since the historic swine flu campaign, has had no appreciable effect on audience manners. Regrettably, Cahill on the Web has found it necessary to clarify the Golden Rules for today’s audiences.
An excerpt or paraphrase from each of the original Golden Rules is shown, followed immediately by the necessary Clarification.
1. Go easy with the atomizer.
Clarification:
If you notice that birds and small mammals flee for thier lives when they detect your scent from miles away, it’s a safe bet that the poor soul sitting right next to you will suffer even more.
2. If you bring a child, make sure etiquette is part of the experience.
Clarification: Before purchasing a ticket for your little angel, ask yourself whether that $75 couldn’t better be spent on a reliable babysitter, a cup of double espresso, and a thick slice of creamy cheesecake.
3. Unwrap all candies and cough drops before the show begins.
Clarification: If for some compelling reason, you are unable to perform this simple courtesy, please place the entire candy or cough drop, including its two layers of crinkly metallic wrapping paper, in your mouth. This simple procedure will encourage you to plan ahead on your next trip to the theater.
4. Make sure cell phones and beepers are OFF.
Clarification: Yes, there is so an "OFF" button. It’s that little button just to the left of the "Erase All Stored Information" button. No, no, not that button, that's the Erase Everything button. Oops.
5. Please cease talking when the overture begins.
Clarification: You may notice during the overture that music is being played. Not coincidentally, you have paid $75 and driven through a hellacious traffic jam to listen to music. Please listen to it.
6. Lovebirds, leaning your heads together blocks the view of the persons behind you.
Clarification: If you suffer from an uncontrolled compulsion to constantly display your undying passion for your companion, please purchase the worst seats in the house. In this way, you will block no one’s view, and any audience member who has become bored with events on the stage and prefers to look at the antics of the two of you, may simply turn around and look way, way, way up.
7. THOU SHALT NOT TALK.
Clarification: If your immortal observations (e.g., "Ain’t that dress purdy?" and "I saw her on Larry King Live.") simply must be preserved for posterity, please jot them in a spiral notebook. During the intermission, you may then offer to read your accumulated gems to all those who may be interested. Notwithstanding the fact that Stagebill chose to print this rule in BOLD CAPITAL LETTERS, an exception will normally be granted for observations such as, "I'm almost sure I’m having a heart attack."
8. Force yourself to wait for a pause before rifling through a purse.
Clarification: Better yet, as the house lights go down, place your purse securely on the floor and FUHGEDABOWDIT!
9. It is discourteous to leave while the show is in progress.
Clarification: Again, an exception to this rule will cheerfully be granted if the reason you are leaving while the show is in progress is that you have suddenly stopped breathing.
10. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
Clarification: Better yet, don’t do anything at all unto others. They have not come all this way and spent this ridiculous sum of money to see, hear, or smell you.
