Animal Letters to the EditorMicrosoft's recent release of voice recognition software for animals, Barksoft 2001®, has resulted in an exponential increase in the number of letters to the editor written by non-human species. We present a selection of these letters. Farmfield, Iowa Editor: I write to protest the continuous playing of two movements from Mozart's symphonies in the nation's hen houses. It is not so much that hens object to hearing Mozart's music 24/7, or even that we are only permitted to hear symphonic music. Plainly put, we are tired of hearing that same allegro movement over and over again, every single morning during laying time, followed by that same adagio movement - from Symphony Number 26, if I'm not mistaken - every evening during nesting. (As a side note, these performances are rather routine; Neville Marriner is much better at this music.) Come on, Mozart wrote over three dozen symphonies; how about a little rotation? And would it kill the big egg companies to throw in a piano concerto now and then? (Number 9 is a personal favorite.) Human researchers should be aware that piano music is most conducive to egg production, especially when enhanced by the power of the full orchestra. Some of the late chamber music can also be quite effective. Finally, the Tysons and Perdues of this world should not forget that other great composers, even a few 20th Century composers, have written music that stimulates egg production. I refer especially to tonal works from mid-century, such as "Appalachian Spring" and the Samuel Barber "Adagio." We look forward to working with the big egg companies to achieve greater diversity in hen house music, and appreciate this opportunity to write. Sincerely, |