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FROM
THE BOOK OF PROVERBS
1. There is no reliance to be found in the heart of the black jack
dealer, and Las Vegas is not the place for a visit if you are living
on unemployment insurance.
2.
Behold the man whose stock options have expired, for he will be
ruined after a margin call, and he shall be downsized, and no longer
able to afford anti-depressants.
3.
Thereafter his Viagara prescription shall perish, and his member
will shrink even as a breakfast sausage in the electric frying pan,
and his testicles wither helplessly before him like a pair of crab-apples
in November.
4. Teen-aged
vermin living in Bel-Air will find their skateboards reduced to
splinters and their hip-hop media, devoid of musical taste, permanently
deleted.
5.
For their baggy-assed, crotch-schlepping comportment is displeasing
in the eyes of the Lord, and an unsustainable insult to everyone
else in the neighborhood as well.
6.
How quickly the ozone layer deteriorates, how swiftly the real income
of households diminisheth.
7.
The supermarket is again out of organic artichoke hearts and Creole
chipotle mustard.
8.
I say to everyone: stop whining about outsourcing and grab your
fair share instead. Rejoice in the arias of Puccini; clean your
garage annually; do not neglect the flossing of teeth.
9.
If your iPod malfunctions, cast it from you. If you can find some
grass somewhere, smoke it. When afflicted with doubt, twirl.
10.
Embrace your yobbish, chronically depressed relatives. Play with
godlike abandon upon the saxophone, and establish rapport with your
local air quality management agency.
11.
Cocoa flavinoids have been shown to extend longevity, and two Margaritas
at dinnertime don't hurt either.
12. Behold the daughters of Petaluma, how their naked midriffs and
tattooed behinds glisten in the noon-day sun.
13.
Their faces are bright with make-up; they perspire not, even as
they weave through traffic, clutching their cell-phones in meaningless
discourse.
14.
Behold their nerdy boy-friends, how they target terrorist nests
on their computer screens while simultaneously subitizing biomorphically
enhanced breasts.
15.
Season your shattered dreams and destitute sexual phantasies with
15-minute pizza mix and bake without regret.
16.
In seedtime the sluggard plows not: when he looks for the harvest,
well du-uh, the payoff is absent.
17.
Be not emulous of foreign currency brokers, for their debts will
not be forgiven, and they shall be buried under a ton of poo.
18.
Surely it is foolish to greet an assembly of women in the marketplace
with the words, “Konnichi-wa, Bitches!”
19.
Avoid Pottawattamie Creek, skin eruptions severally, and all travel
poetry. Abandon neutral color schemes mandated by bourgois decorators.
20.
Crush collectible figurines with your fingers. Breed prize-winning
shrimp. Run barefoot through the Boston Public Library. Find a Goth
shop in your neighborhood and get a makeover. Dare to fart!
21.
Surely the virtuous person will eschew the neo-conservative agenda,
and, nourished with the kosher steam dumplings of invincible wok-fried
wisdom, will rock like a god the length of his/her days.
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