Why do men like love at first sight? It saves them a lot of time.

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? Dating children.

How can you tell soap operas are fictional? In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed. 

What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why don't men have mid-life crises? They stay stuck in adolescence. 

How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one. 

How was Colonel Sanders a typical male? All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs. 

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus the clowns don't talk. 

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift? Exchange him.

Why do bachelors like smart women? Opposites attract.

Why are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. 

Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera? Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes.

What is the thinnest book in the world? What Men Know About Women

What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.

What do men and beer bottles have in common? They're both empty from the neck up. 

Q: What's the best way to kill a man?
A: Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

Q: What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A: They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!

Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women:....
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need...A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"

What do you call a man with half a brain? 
  Gifted. 

What is the thinnest book in the world? 
  "What Men Know About Women" 

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? 
  One ... men will screw anything. 

How does a man take a bubble bath? 
  He eats beans for dinner. 

What's a man's idea of foreplay? 
  A half hour of begging. 

How can you tell if a man is sexually excited? 
  He's breathing. 

What's the difference between men an government bonds? 
  Bonds mature. 

How do you save a man from drowning? 
  Take your foot off his head. 

What do men and beer bottles have in common? 
  They are both empty from the neck up. 

How can you tell if a man is happy? 
  Who cares? 

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? 
  We don't know .... it's never happened. 

How are men and parking spots alike? 
  The good ones are always taken and the ones left are handicapped. 

What is a man's idea of helping with the housework? 
  Lifting his leg so you can vacuum. 

What's the difference between a man and E.T.? 
  E.T. phoned home. 

What does a man consider a seven-course meal? 
  A hot dog and a six-pack of beer. 

What's the difference between a man and a catfish? 
  One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker, and the other is a fish. 

What did God say after creating man? 
  I can do better. 

What do you have when you have two balls in your hands? 
  A man's undivided attention. 

What are the two reasons why men don't mind their own business? 
  1. No mind. 2. No business. 

Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover? 
  He knows first hand the penalty for early withdrawal. 

Why are men like laxatives? 
  They irritate the shit out of you. 

Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking? 
  Because those men already have boyfriends. 

Did you hear about the man who won a gold medal at the Olympics? 
  He had it bronzed. 

What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche? 
  The porcupine has pricks on the outside. 

How many men does it take to pop popcorn? 
  Three! One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the 
  stove. 

What is a man's view of safe sex? 
  A padded headboard. 

How do men sort their laundry? 
  "Filthy" and Filthy but wearable" 

Why were men given larger brains than dogs? 
  So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties. 

Husband: "I don't know why you wear a bra, you've go nothing to put in it." 
Wife: "You wear briefs, don't you?"
 
 
 

Why do men like love at first sight? Because he knows it's all over as soon as she opens her mouth.

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? How much his wife has begun to resemble Morly Safer. 

How can you tell soap operas are fictional? Their target audience is women.

What should you give a man who has everything? A mute nymphomanic 18 year old girlfriend. 

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? Penis envy.

Why do women have mid-life crises? Because Phil and Oprah say they're supposed to. 

How does a woman show she's planning for the future? Plastic Surgery.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? Sex, stupidity.

What do you do with a 40 year old woman who thinks she's God's gift? Trade her in for two 20 year olds. 

Why do bachelors like smart women? Because they're so rare.

What's the difference between a wife and a job. After 5 years, the job still sucks.

Why is sleeping with a woman like a soap opera? Cause it's the same tired old plot, year in and year out. 

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? They're trying not to attract any more undue blame then they already have.

What is the thinnest book in the world? Biographies of Happy women.

What's the difference between men and government bonds? None, they're both the same, steadily increasing in value, predictable and vastly undervalued by people who don't understand them.

I've been in love with the same woman for many years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, "I" stayed in the bathroom and cried.

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree!

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in!"

I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.

I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen." 

While driving the car on a cross country trip I decided to lose 120 pounds of ugly fat... I left my wife at a rest stop...

My ex-con friend recently explained to me why he refuses to ever get married. He says "the wedding rings look too much like minature handcuffs....."
 
 
 

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.ar."

Take my advice; I don't use it anyway.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

I saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

A procrastinator's work is never done.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.

AIBOHPHOBIA - the fear of palindromes.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

I was the next door kid's imaginary friend.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

I'm an apathetic sociopath - I'd kill you if I cared.

Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

Even crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.
 
 
 
 
 
 

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If a 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty liter?

If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

How did a fool and his money get together?

How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

What's another word for thesaurus?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

What do they use to ship styrofoam?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

"Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted."

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do steam irons have a permanent press setting?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

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