REDNECK HUMOR

  ----- True Kentuckians

     Only a true Kentuckian knows the difference between a hissie 
     fit and  a conniption, and that you don't "HAVE" them but 
     "PITCH" them.

    Only a true Kentuckian knows how many fish, collard greens, 
    turnip greens, peas, beans, etc. make up "a mess".

    Only a true Kentuckian can show or point out to you the general
    direction of "yonder".

    Only a true Kentuckian knows exactly how long "directly" is - as
    in:  "Going to town, be back directly."

    Even true Kentuckian babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a
    request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a
    pretty little  bowl on the middle of the table.

    All true Kentuckians know exactly when "by and by" is. They might
    not use the term, but they know the concept well.

    Only a true Kentuckian knows instinctively that the best gesture
    of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried
    chicken and  a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the neighbor's 
    trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana 
    puddin'!)

    Only true Kentuckians grow up knowing the difference between
    "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just 
    down the road"  can be 1 mile or 20.

    Only a true Kentuckian both knows and understands the difference
    between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.

    No true Kentuckian would ever assume that the car with the
   flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

    A true Kentuckian knows that "fixin'" can be used as a noun, a
    verb, or an adverb.

    Only a true Kentuckian knows that the term "booger" can be a
    resident of the nose, a descriptive, as in "that ol' booger", or
    something that jumps out at you in the dark and scares you 
    senseless.

    Only true Kentuckians make friends while standing in lines. We
    don't do "queues", we do "lines"; and when we're "in line", we 
    talk to everybody!

    Put 100 true Kentuckians in a room and half of them will discover
    they're related, even if only by marriage.

    True Kentuckians never refer to one person as "y'all."

    True Kentuckians know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

    Every true Kentuckian knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and
    coffee  are perfectly wonderful; that redeye gravy is also a
    breakfast food;  and  that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast 
    food.

    When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'..," you
    know you are in the presence of a genuine Kentuckian!

    Only true Kentuckians say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea
    indicates the need for sugar and lots of it - we do not like our
    tea unsweetened.  "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

    And a true Kentuckian knows you don't scream obscenities at little
    old  ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless
    her  heart" and go your own way.