REDNECK HUMOR

Ask any true southern and he'll tell you...

The difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit.

Pretty much how many fish make up a mess.

That "gimme sugar" don't mean pass the sugar bowl.

When somebody's "fixin" to do something, it won't be long.

How good a cold grape Nehi and cheese crackers are at a country
    store.

The same goes for an RC cola and a Moon Pie.

Knows what, "Well I Suwannee !!" means.

Ain't nobody's biscuits like Grandma's biscuits !!

A good dog is worth its weight in gold.

Real gravy don't come from the store.

The difference between "pert' near" and "a right far piece."

The differences between a redneck and a good ol' boy.

The difference between "you," "y'all," "all y'all,"and "all
    y'all's."

Never to go snipe hunting twice.

At one point learned what happens when you swallow tobacco juice.

Never to assume that the other car with the flashing turn signal
is actually going to make a turn.

You may wear long sleeves, but you should always roll 'em up past
    the elbows.

You should never loan your tools, pick-up, or gun to nobody.

A belt serves a greater purpose than holding Daddy's pants up.

Why breakfast ain't breakfast without grits.

Rocking chairs and swings are guaranteed stress relievers.

Rocking chairs and swings with an old person in them are history
    lessons.

That it's important to say "Y'all take care," and mean it, when
    someone leaves.
*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *    *     *

If you are from the Northern states and planning on visiting or
    moving to the South, there are a few things you should know 
that will help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles:

The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes,
The South has 'mater samiches.

The North has coffee houses,
The South has Waffle Houses.

The North has dating services,
The South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives,
The South has Lee Press-on Nails.

The North has double last names,
The South has double first names.

The North has Ted Kennedy,
The South has Jesse Helms.

The North has an ambulance,
The South has an amalance.

The North has Indy car races,
The South has stock car races.

The North has Cream of Wheat,
The South has grits.

The North has green salads,
The South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters,
The South has crawdads.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same 
store...
Don't buy food at this store.

Remember, "y'all" can be singular, "all y'all" is plural, and
"all y'all's" is plural possessive.

The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted
    Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck 
    or "big'ol" boy.

Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. 
All of them are in denial about it.

Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense down here.

"It don't make me no nevermind," is just another way of saying,
    "don't care."

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you
    should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last 
    words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the 
    smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at 
    the local grocery store.  It doesn't matter whether you need
    anything or not. 
    You just have to go .

When you come up on a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the
    road, remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere, 
    and that is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.

AND REMEMBER:
A yankee comes to the South, spends his money, and then goes back
    up North.
A damn yankee comes to the South... and just stays.