HUMOR IN LETTER'S 

TO: VALUED CUSTOMER

SUBJECT: RETURNED GOODS


In accordance with company policy, we are pleased to announce that
you received merchandise with the same high quality standards 
afforded all our customers, and we feel you are extremely chicken-
shit on returning this stuff, particularly since we did not 
authorize the return.

You know damned well we have a comprehensive and equitable returned 
prods. Policy, and you will play hell receiving credit unless this 
policy is strictly adhered to.

We ship whatever the Hell comes off the production line, and 
regardless if it meets specifications or not is beside the point. 
We are reasonably confident our packaging contains the proper 
materials a good share of the time, which is exactly what you 
ordered. By God no one is perfect. I'd like to see your production 
area some time. I'll bet you have a shit-pot full of problems too.

Incidentally, you have really pissed-off our Scheduling and Production 
people with your arbitrary statements regarding late delivery. After 
all, your last order was only three months overdue, which is a 
helluva lot better than most of our customers got. What the hell 
do you expect?

On future orders we suggest you favor us with a higher dollar 
volume, and we will bust our ass. With this type volume, we can 
guarantee a maximum late order condition of two months...how's 
that for a thirty day improvement?

As a valued customer, it is certainly your priviledge to request 
we check future orders more closely for requested shipping dates, 
but your prickish attitude will, we are confident, result in our 
shipping so damned late you will be in such a bind that you will 
gladly accept any old shit we want to get rid of.

By the way, don't give us any crap about order cancellations; 
we're already in production. We could however, see our way clear 
to stop production if you will pay 90% cancellation charges. 
Otherwise, tough shit.

In summary, you work with us, and we will work with you. BUT!! 
Don't pull that irate customer shit on us, we've been down that 
path before.

Warm personal regards,

CUSTOMER SERVICE MANAGER