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Manners

by

Zvi Zaks

"Computer, shut down please," Larry said, emphasizing the last word.

"I do not understand that command. Please define the word 'please.'" The computer flashed the words, white letters on a dark gray background, into a dialogue box on the screen and, at the same time, spoke the words out loud. The pitch of its voice varied up and down, with the tone of the last word in each sentence being the lowest. It almost sounded like a person.

Larry's mentor, Janice, laughed. "Larry, it's a machine. Not only do you not have to be polite to it, it doesn't even understand the word 'please."

"Computer, shut down," Larry said in firm tones.

"Shutting down," the computer again said and displayed the words on screen. Underneath the dialogue box, black numbers on a green screen continued scrolling upward.

Larry scratched the top of his head, disheveling further his already uncombed reddish-brown hair. "If the computer were actually shutting down, those numbers would disappear. But they are still there. It won't shut down. It ignores normal commands. You always tell me to try something different when the computers don't work properly, so this time I tried saying please."

"I'm glad the time I spent training you wasn't completely wasted, but, really, try something which is more likely to work."

"Maybe using the keyboard will help," he muttered, and typed "shut down." The words appeared in the dialogue box on the monitor.

"Shutting down," the computer said, again sounding more like a person than a program. The words appeared underneath Larry's typed command but the lines of data continued to scroll.

"Shut down PLEASE," Larry typed. Janice laughed again. The computer again said it did not understand the word.

Janice sighed. "Larry, this situation is sort of funny, but you have to do something to stop it. Whatever task your machine is executing is cutting into my resources. What program is it running, anyway?"

"I don't know. I was debugging an expert system program, and suddenly I saw it was tied up and wouldn't take any new commands."

"Suddenly?" Janice leaned towards the screen. Larry, nervous, moved his chair sideways in the small cubical, trying to get away from her. Larry thought Janice a good-looking woman, even pretty. She never wore makeup at the office, but still projected femininity. Today, for example, she wore a dress, a carefully tailored mauve skirt which came down below her knees. She was attractive and, at the same time, the quintessential professional.

Larry, in contrast, wearing faded jeans and worn sportshirt, felt like a slob. That she was at least five years older than he was, certainly over thirty years old, intimidated him even more. "Well, I hadn't given it any new task," he said. "Certainly nothing which would tie it up like this."

"Larry, it isn't just that it is tying up your work. Whatever it is doing is extending through the local comb-net and tying up my work also. My workstation acts like it has a worm. Resources are 90 percent occupied, all due to 'requests from neighboring processors.' You're the nearest neighbor here, and looking at your computer, I see that this must be what is tying up mine."

"I know. I've been trying to stop whatever it's doing, but I can't. I can't even shut it down."

"Computer, log off current user," Janice said sounding authoritative.

"Logging off user," the computer said and printed to the screen, but didn't log off.

Janice took a deep breath and blew it out suddenly. "Okay, now. Evidently it is caught in some kind of infinite loop, and won't execute any other command until that is finished. Which won't be for a while. And, for some reason, it is involving my computer also. Maybe we should just pull the plug. You don't have any crucial data you would lose, do you?" she said while looking for the surge protector to Larry's station. She found it and punched the off switch with her forefinger. The computer was unaffected.

Larry said, "Uh, don't you remember? Two months ago, administration installed backup batteries so we wouldn't lose information if there was a power failure."

"Damn, you're right. Actually we've always had backup batteries, but the new ones are long acting. The computer can run for another six hours before the battery runs out."

"Would someone please tell me what the hell is going on here?" a portly man demanded as he squeezed into the cubical. His belly, hanging over his belt, seemed to fill the small working space.

Janice raised her eyes to the ceiling, thankful at least that the newcomer, her supervisor, didn't smell as if he had just been working out. "Bob, this computer is caught in some kind of infinite loop. We're trying to shut it down."

"Well shit. Turn it off."

"We tried but the backup batteries keep it going. And will keep it going for another six hours. Why are you so upset?"

"Why am I upset? Girlie, this stupid thing …"

"Dammit, Bob! Don't call me 'girlie'!"

" … has crashed half of the workstations in the building, and has slowed the other half to a crawl. We're supposed to be doing some work here, you know? Producing a product. Now will you please shut that damn thing off?"

"How?" She stood and glowered back at her supervisor.

"Get a god-damned ax and chop the thing into pieces if you have to, but stop it from sucking up all the RAM in the building."

"The casings are reinforced. Those computers can survive fire, earthquakes and almost anything short of an atomic bomb. You can chop at the thing as much as you want, but you won't bust anything more than your gut." She looked down briefly but pointedly at his abdomen.

Bob took a step towards Janice. "Then how are you going to turn it off?"

She stepped towards him. Their faces were about a foot apart. "That's what I was trying to figure out when you came in here screaming." She took a deep breath and turned back towards her preceptee, who looked like he wanted to crawl under the computer table. "Okay, Larry, now try to remember, what was the last thing you said before the computer started this infinite loop."

"I, I don't know. I didn't say anything."

A voice came from the entrance of the cubical. "What a nice little gathering. Would someone please tell me why my company is just about shut down. Or why city hall is screaming that we have crashed their computers and now they can't fix the mayor's wife's traffic tickets? Could someone please bring me into the loop?"

"Sir, I'm trying to get to the bottom of this," Bob said.

Janice turned towards the CEO and said, "Mr. Jenkins, one of the workstations is malfunctioning. We're trying to figure out why."

"You were talking about an infinite loop," Jenkins said, leaning on the opening to the cubical. "Why not ask the computer itself what it's doing?"

Janice moved back a half step. "Yes, that's a good idea, Mr. Jenkins. Actually, that is an excellent idea." She turned towards the computer. "Computer, identify current processing activity."

"Current activity is collecting data to answer a query." The voice was modulated, but now sounded more singsong than human.

"So it isn't an infinite loop," Jenkins said. "Computer, what is the query?"

"The query is: How does a maze of interconnecting neurons create a human soul?"

"What?" Jenkins asked loudly.

"Larry, what are you up to?" Bob asked.

"I didn't ask it that," Larry said, the three of them talking together.

"Wait, wait. Everyone please quiet down for a minute," Janice said, gesturing with her hands to everyone in the crowded room. She took a deep breath. "Computer, do you have an audio record of the command."

"Yes."

"Would you please play … Scratch that. Computer, play back the audio record of the command."

Larry's voice came out of the computer speakers. "Computer, how does a maze of interconnecting neurons create the human soul?"

Larry said, "But I didn't ask it that?"

"Please don't give me that crap, boy. That's you're voice, isn't it?" Bob said.

"Well yes, it is, but I didn't ask it that question. How could a computer know anything about souls?"

"It can't, you asshole. So why is the computer playing back your voice?"

Janice sneered at her supervisor. "Listen to it again, Bob. I think Larry is right. His voice doesn't sound like he's asking a question. Computer, repeat the audio record of the command you are now processing."

"Computer, how does a maze of interconnecting neurons create the human soul?"

"There, listen," Janice said. "That first word doesn't sound like a command. The intonation isn't right. The last syllable is too high pitched, as if it was a question instead of a command."

"Then what is it, girlie?"

"Mr. Jenkins, if he doesn't stop that 'girlie' crap, I'm going to quit. Or better yet, I'll sue this company for sexual harassment."

Ralph Jenkins sighed. "She's right Bob. That kind of language is not acceptable. You have to stop it."

Janice smirked. Bob glowered without saying anything. Larry sat wide-eyed in his chair.

Janice said, "Computer, play the audio record of the sentence spoken before the command which you are now processing."

Larry's voice again came out of the speakers. "You say our minds are just byproducts of the circuits in our brains, but people have creativity; people have souls. If I am just an elaborate organic computer, how does a maze of interconnecting neurons create the human soul?"

Everyone was silent. Then Bob said, "Philosophy. What are you doing studying philosophy? First she goes on and on about the notes and tones of words, as if this was some kind of frigging music class and then he, her student, starts talking philosophy. No wonder we can't get any work done."

"Have you ever read Aristotle, Bob?" Jenkins asked.

Bob, not knowing who was going to be ridiculed, didn't say if he had read Aristotle, or even if he knew who Aristotle was.

Jenkins continued. "Please remember that there are other interests in life besides programming computer chips. Or the dinner table."

Janice laughed. Bob reddened. "That's weight discrimination, Mr. Jenkins. I could sue."

People were gathering outside the cubical. "Some show," one said. "Who is the boss reaming out now?" another asked.

Larry said, to no one in particular, "This is the most dysfunctional office I've ever worked in." Then he grimaced, hoping no one had heard him. After all, this was the only office he had ever worked in.

But Janice agreed with him. "It certainly is," she said.

Larry was startled. That was the most positive comment she had ever made to him. Might as well push on, he thought. "Everyone says please, but they don't give the word any meaning".

Janice blinked, then turned quickly towards him. "What did you say?"

"Uh, I said that a lot of people here like to say please but the word doesn't really seem to mean anything to them."

"That's the key," she said, and slapped her fist in her palm. "The word please doesn't mean anything here."

"Now she's into manners. No wonder everything is going to hell," Bob said.

"Shut up Bob. Janice, what are you thinking."

"We can turn this thing off by teaching it the word 'please'."

"I have a better idea," Bob said. "We can get a monomolecular drill and give this damn computer a frontal lobotomy. That'll stop it."

Jenkins raised his voice. "Am I the only person here who recognizes the possibilities of this situation."

"The possibility is it could possibly black out the city if it keeps on stealing resources," Bob said.

"Bob, will you please shut the hell up? I don't care if the entire county blacks out. You give this computer a lobotomy and I'll give you a lobotomy." He snorted. "Janice, do you see the possibilities in this?"

Janice smiled. "I think I do Mr. Jenkins. I could buy that condominium I've been renting."

"You'll be able to buy the whole damn complex if this goes through. Larry, tell Bob what's going on."

Larry coughed and words poured out. "The computer program is trying to answer a question which is really rhetorical and which may or may not have an answer and usually computers just give a nodata answer to questions like that but this one keeps going on apparently getting data from all types of different sources trying to find out if neurons can make souls which makes you wonder if there might be some self awareness and the computer is trying to figure out if it is conscious or if it can poss…"

Jenkins raised his hand and said, "Enough, Larry."

Larry stopped midword.

Jenkins smiled slightly. "Perhaps I should say 'please stop.' Yes, we may have created a self aware computer. True artificial intelligence. Janice, you have an idea for shutting down the computer? Without violence, I mean."

"Yes, I do, Mr. Jenkins."

"By the way, do we have a copy of this thing. When was this workstation last backed up."

Larry raised his hand. "I backed up all the files last night before going home, sir."

Jenkins smiled warmly. "Good boy," he said. Larry wriggled in embarrassed delight. "Okay, Janice, do your stuff."

Janice turned to Larry. "Tell it we want to add to its vocabulary."

Larry typed, "COMMAND:" His hands were shaking.

"No, no," said Janice. "You know better than that. Get up and let me drive."

They changed places. "You said you had been working on an expert system program. What was the name?"

"Uh, Apollo."

"Apollo? What kind of expert system was it?"

"It is to be for doctors, to help them decide which patients would benefit from different treatments. Mainly it helps them to measure quality of life." Larry blushed.

"Wonderful." Janice grinned. "Just the background for discussions of the soul." She typed into the computer, "APOLLO PROGRAM FILES/VOCABULARY:UPDATE".

"Yeah, that's right," said Larry.

Nothing happened.

"Why the delay? Are you sure you can turn this machine off, Janice?" Jenkins asked.

"It's nothing, Mr. Jenkins. The system's just tied up, and we haven't used this command in a while so it isn't in the cache," she said, and stared at the monitor. Nothing happened. She drummed her fingers on the desktop.

"Mr. Jenkins, I know you don't like the idea but I still thing we should get a drill …"

"There it is," Janice said, with an audible sigh of relief. "Now, people, give me some ideas. Just what does the word 'please' really mean."

No one spoke. Then Jenkins said, "Please is a way of enticing someone to do something they don't have to do."

Janice nodded. "It can mean that, but it can also mean, 'Do what I tell you to do, do it now, and do it even if you do not want to do it.'"

"Janice, 'please' is supposed to be a word of courtesy, not a command."

"'Supposed to be' is right, Mr. Jenkins. But listen to how we've been using it here. If anything, it has become a parody of courtesy." She typed into the screen: "NEW WORD - "PLEASE". CLASS - COMMAND MODIFIER. ASSIGNS TOP PRIORITY AND URGENCY TO COMMAND WHICH FOLLOWS NEXT". She typed a few more lines, hit "enter", and turned back to her boss. "Well, let's see if it works. Larry, you do the honors."

Larry blinked and said, in an uncertain voice, "Computer, please shut down."

"Shutting down," the computer said. The scrolling lines of data froze, then disappeared, leaving the green background empty. Then the dialogue box disappeared and the standard "Closing All Files" message appeared. But the computer did not shut down.

Janice smiled, learned towards the machine, and said, "Computer, thank you."

"You're welcome", it said, and turned itself off.

Epilogue

Bob had to get a new job, but with the money he, and the others, made from the sale of their stock options, he did not complain.

Copyright 2000. This means only that you should give me credit by including my E-mail (Fiddlerzvi@att.net) or webpage (http://home.att.net/~fiddlerzvi/) address and this copyright notice if you share this story with anyone.

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Revised 11/01