ZVI'S NEW AND IMPROVED OFF COLOR JOKE PAGE

First, note the background. It isn't quite green, it isn't quite brown, and it certainly is not yellow. So this joke page can only be (at least in part) an (Zvi - have mercy - don't do this) OFF COLOR JOKE PAGE..

Warning -- people over the emotional age of ten are prohibited from reading these jokes under threat of psychoanalysis. (So kvetch nisht if you don't like the humor.)

As for the jokes themselves -- here are some of Zvi's favorites:

OFF COLOR1/00

JEWISH2/01

LEGAL1/00

PUNS2/01

SATIRE

LIMRICKS2/01

POEMS2/01

VIAGRA 11/01

OFF COLOR

Vehicular, mail (not male -- well, maybe both), and Microsoft and limricks.

A young man has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money to go to the motorcycle dealer. After picking out the perfect bike the dealer asks if he would like extra chrome protection added to the bill. The young man is upset because he cannot afford that and is now afraid that the chrome will rust as soon as it gets wet. The dealer tells him not to worry, that there is an old biker trick which will keep the chrome like new. All he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put in on the chrome before it rains. The young man happily pays for the bike and leaves.

A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set.

At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents' house. Before they go in she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes. After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and kiss the woman in front of her family.

And no one says a word...!!!

Next he decides to take a more direct approach so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone.

And no one says a word...!!!!

Now is he getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on her table. They have even wilder sex. And no one says a word...!!!!

By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out his Vaseline.

And the father says, "Okay dammit I'll do the dishes!"

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It was the postman's last day on a route which he had served for years, and the people he had gotten to know, at first strangers but now friends, all came out to wish him well. One gave him a hand knitted sweater; a second a jar of cookies, and a third a bottle of fine wine. He had just delivered the final piece of mail and was about to leave when the woman of the house came running out, in such a hurry she was still wearing her long flannel robe. "Mr. Postman, Mr. Postman, come inside. I've made breakfast for you on your last day."

Thankful for a chance to rest before driving home, the postman followed her inside. There she plied him with an absolutely wonder meal - juice, pancakes, eggs, turkey sausage, muffins and more. When finally he finished he thanked say saying, "That was absolutely wonderful. I am really touched."

She smiled. "I have something else to give you," she said, pulling down the zipper on her robe which showed that underneath she was wearing - as you have guessed - nothing.

A hour later the exhausted postman propped himself up to a sitting position and said, "That was absolutely wonderful. No one has ever given me such a wonderful gift."

She kissed him on the forehead, bounced out of bed to the dresser, and got a crisp new dollar bill which she gave to him with a smile.

He was flabbergasted. "This is incredible. I don't understand it. Why?

"My boyfriend suggested it," she said sweetly.

Shock. "Your boyfriend?"

"Yes. I asked him, 'What should we give the postman for his last day.?' He said, 'Screw the postman. Give him a dollar." So I did. The breakfast was my own idea."

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Did you hear about the woman who married three different Microsoft employees and still died a virgin? Her first husband was in Training, and he kept teaching her how to do it herself. The second one was in Sales, and he kept telling her how good it was going to be in the next release. The third was in Tech Support, and he kept saying, "Don't worry, it'll be up any minute now."

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LIMRICKS

BEFORE DINNER ACTIVITIES

  • There once was a young man named Skinner,
  • Who took a young lady to dinner,
  • They sat down to dine at quarter to nine.
  • By quarter to ten it was in her.
  • (Not the dinner -- not Skinner.  
  • Skinner was inner before dinner.)
  • There once was a young man named Tupper.
  • Who took a young lady to supper.
  • They sat down to dine, at quarter to nine,
  • At quarter to ten it was up her.
  • (Not the supper.  Not Tupper.  
  • It was some SOB named Skinner.)

MUSICAL INTERLUDE

  • There once was a young man from Sparta(r).

  • Who was a magnificent farter.

  • On the strength of one bean, he'd fart "God Save the Queen,"

  • And Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata(r)

  • Nobody could play classics finer,

  • As he showed me one day in the diner.

  • I had bagel with lox, while from his buttocks:

  • Came a Chopin Etude in C-minor.

  • He was great in the Christmas Cantata,
  • He could double-stop fart the Toccata,
  • From the depths of his ass, came Bach's B-Minor Mass,
  • Complete with the flute obligata
  • His basso profundo with timbre so rare
  • He rendered quite often, with power to spare.
  • But his great work of art, his fortissimo fart,
  • He saved for the Marche Militaire.

(There is more, but I'll have mercy).

HORTICULTURAL ADVISORY

  • There once was a young man named Brown
  • Who, while mowing his lawn, he drowned.
  • It was dark and he fell down the shaft of a well.
  • He couldn't tell his grass from a hole in the ground

LAMENT ON THE RAPID PASSAGE OF TIME

  • My back aches, my penis is sore,

  • I simply cannot screw any more.

  • I'm covered with sweat and you haven't come yet,

  • and MY GOD, it's a quarter to four.

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VIAGRA

Did you hear about the man who was trying to swollow a viagra tablet and it got stuck in his throat?  He had a stiff neck for a week.

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Hear about the thieves who stole a truckload of Viagra.  The police were on the lookout for a group of hardened criminals.

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Then there was the teenager who stole his Dad's Viagra and had to be rushed to the hospital  -- with a burned right hand.

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One bartender has concocted a Viagra cocktail.  When patrons ask him to pour a stiff one, he can oblige them.

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PUNS

When a young boy was asked by his father to say the evening prayer, he realized he didn't have his head covered... so he asked his little brother to rest a hand on his head until prayers were over. The little brother grew impatient after a few minutes and removed his hand. The father said, "This is important... put your hand back on his head!"

To which the little boy exclaimed,

"What -- am I my brother's kipah???" *

The pet store owner told his clerk to run an inventory of the parrots and also to check on how the kittens were doing.

"No problem," said the clerk.  "I'll do a pollygraph and a catscan."

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SATIRE

Elroy Willis likes to write religious "news stories".

Lost Bible Causes Sticky Situation

by Elroy Willis

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SEATTLE (EAP) -- A lost Bible ended up causing a rather sticky situation for a Seattle man last weekend.

John P. Boatwright, 25, God-Fearing man that he is, was terrified after losing his Bible, and looked everywhere for it, including up his own rectum, where his head became stuck and he realized he needed to seek help. (See picture at right).

Boatwright managed to dial 911 on his phone, and although he couldn't speak, the 911 operator said that she felt God was "calling her" to send out a rescue team.

"Last I remember, I was sitting on the couch reading my Bible. That's the last place I remember having it. I was naked at the time like I usually am when thinking or reading about Jesus, and thought maybe I fell asleep and sat on it," Boatwright said.

The rescue team took a quick photo to document the incident before pulling Boatwright's head out of his anal cavity.

"It was pretty dark in there," Boatwright said. "But I'm pretty sure I saw some images of Jesus in there somewhere, especially when I was gasping for breath and saw stars."

"I could tell something was wrong on the other end of the line," said Jennifer Thomas, 911 operator who answered the call. "I felt that the person on the line was in deep trouble, and God told me to send out a rescue team," she said.

Boatwright claims that he prayed to Jesus while his head was stuck up his rear end, and that God sent a message to Ms. Thomas telling her to take quick action.

"Ya, God knew what he was doing all along," Boatwright told reporters.

When asked if he felt the least bit silly, he simply repeated the words "ha ha ha..." over and over, and refused to answer any more questions.

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LEGAL

The following are from the nice folks at Californians Against Lawsuit Abuse (CALA) and are supposedly true.

A Los Angeles attorney sued another attorney who had hung a cardboard tombstone in his office that read, "R.I.P./Jerry Garcia (a few too many parties perhaps?)."

The plaintiff lawyer, a Garcia groupie, alleged this joke caused him "humiliation, mental anguish, and emotional and physical distress" after seeing the sign. He further added that he had suffered injury to his mind and body (specifics were not listed in the suit).

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A woman was playing golf and hit a shot which ricocheted off railroad tracks that run through the course. The ball hit her in the nose and she won $40,000 because the golf course had a "free lift" rule. (This allows golfers to toss balls which land near the rails to the other side.) The woman alleged that because the course allowed a free lift, they were, in effect, acknowledging the rails to be a hazard

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A surfer recently sued another surfer for "taking his wave." The case was ultimately dismissed because they were unable to put a price on "pain and suffering" endured by watching someone ride the wave that was "intended for you."

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A woman went into a Northridge discount department store to buy a blender. She decided to take the bottom box from a stack of four blenders from an upper shelf used to store extra stock. When she pulled out the bottom box, the rest of the boxes fell. She sued the store for not warning customers from taking stock from the upper shelf and for stacking the boxes so high. She claimed to sustain carpel tunnel syndrome and neck, shoulder and back pain.

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A minister and his wife sued a guide-dog school for $160,000 after a blind man learning to use a seeing-eye dog stepped on the woman's toe. She sought $80,000 for medical bills, pain & suffering, humiliation and disability. Her husband sought the same amount for loss of his wife's care, comfort and consortium.

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An inmate filed a $5 million lawsuit against himself (he claimed that he violated his own civil rights by getting arrested) -- then asked the state to pay because he has no income in jail. He said, "I want to pay myself $5 million dollars, but ask the state to pay it on my behalf since I can't work and am a ward of the state." The judge was not impressed by his ingenuity, and dismissed the suit as frivolous.

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A man who had purchased a BMW took his new car to a detailing shop for a fancier look and discovered that the car had been partly repainted before it was sold, due to damage done by acid rain. The man was awarded $4,000 in compensatory damages, and $4 Million in punitive damages. The court upheld the verdict, but cut the punitive damages to $2 million.

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A college student in Idaho decided to "moon" someone from his 4th story dorm room window. He lost his balance, fell out of his window, and injured himself in the fall. Now the student expects the University to take the fall --- he is suing them for "not warning him of the dangers of living on the 4th floor".

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A jury awarded $178,000 in damages to a woman who sued her former fiance for breaking their seven-week engagement. The breakdown: $93,000 for pain & suffering; $60,000 for loss of income from her legal practice, and $25,000 for psychiatric counseling expenses.

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A woman driving a car collided with a man who was riding a snowmobile. The man died at the scene. Since his snowmobile had suddenly cut in front of her, police said she was free of blame. She sued the man's widow for the grave and crippling psychological injuries she suffered from watching the man die.

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A writer was sued for $60 million dollars after writing a book about a convicted Orange County serial killer. Although the inmate is on death row, he claimed that he was innocent in all 16 murders, so the characterization of him as a serial killer was false, misleading and "defamed his good name". In addition, he claimed those falsehoods would cause him to be "shunned by society and unable to find decent employment" once he returned to private life. The case was thrown out in a record 46 seconds, but only after $30,000 in legal fees were incurred by the writer's publisher.

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A man who'd eaten a lot of sugary snack food fell out of a tree ... and sued the snack food company for $100 million in damages!

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A woman went to her friend's house and asked for a haircut. Unhappy with her new look, she claimed her friend had willfully, intentionally and maliciously cut her hair without her consent ... and sued him for $75,000.

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A man bought a house. He later claimed it was haunted .. and sued the former owner seeking to undo the sale and collect damages

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A convicted bank robber on parole entered a bank, went up to the teller, and said, "Give me the money. I've got a bomb." The bank teller did as instructed, except that hidden in the rolls of money turned over to the robber was an anti-robbery device that released tear gas. The device functioned as intended .. and the robber sued the bank!

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JEWISH

Abbot and Costello Learn Hebrew and Contracting the Ten Plagues

Abbot and Costello learn Hebrew --by Rabbi Jack Moline

Not new but still funny, especially if you have heard their famous "whose on first" routine.

If you don't know the Hebrew words, the following will help.

Hebrew     English

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Hu            He

Hee          She

Mee         Who

Ma           What

----------------------------------------------------

Contracting the Ten Plagues

From: Cherubim, Seraphim & Co.

To: Yahweh Elohim, Lord of Hosts

Dear Supreme Being,

Thanks again for accepting our bid for the ten plagues contract. As agreed, the following pestilences will be delivered to you for inflicting on the land of Egypt by Passover next:

  1. Blood
  2. Frogs
  3. Gnats
  4. Flies
  5. Livestock
  6. Boils
  7. Hail
  8. Locusts
  9. Darkness
  10. Death of the firstborn

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POEMS

The World Is Too Much With Us

A modern desecration

With Apologies To Wordsworth
  • THE net is too much with us; midnight and later,

  • Surfing and browsing, we burn up our hours:

  • Little exists in real life that is ours;

  • We have sold out our hearts for what? A burger n'tater!

  • This sea that bares her bosom to the sun;

  • Swells less than the bosoms on a porn page.

  • That gets the priests up-gather'd in a rage;

  • For all not digital, we think no fun;

  • It grooves us not.—Great Gates! Were I a nark

  • Or luddite, programed in a code now old;

  • So might I, standing in this freezing park,

  • Have visions that would make me somewhat bold;

  • See golden arches glowing the the dark;

  • Or hear cop sirens howling in the cold.

  • THE world is too much with us; late and soon,

  • Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers:

  • Little we see in Nature that is ours;

  • We have given our hearts away, a sordid boon!

  • This sea that bares her bosom to the moon;

  • The winds that will be howling at all hours,

  • And are up-gather'd now like sleeping flowers;

  • For this, for everything, we are out of tune;

  • It moves us not.—Great God! I'd rather be

  • A Pagan suckled in a creed outworn;

  • So might I, standing on this pleasant lea,

  • Have glimpses that would make me less forlorn;

  • Have sight of Proteus rising from the sea;

  • Or hear old Triton blow his wreathèd horn.

Glory Glory Paranoia
  • Hypo- hypo- hypo hypo-
  • Thora thora thora-zemia
  • Hypo hypo-thorazemia
  • The nuts keep marching on
  • Mine eyes have seen the glory of the fruitcakes on the net
  • Each with their own conspiracy, their brains are somewhat wet,
  • "The blacks, the Jews, the Z.O.G." and they aint finished yet.
  • The nuts keep marching on.
  • Glory glory paranoia
  • Glory glory paranoia
  • Glory glory paranoia
  • The nuts Keep marching on.

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Zvi updates these jokes intermittantly. If you want new ones --  SEND MAIL TO ZVI telling him to hurry up.  

OTHER STORIES BY ZVI -- (Note: you can download Palm-Visor versions of these stories at the link.)

  • VIRTUAL ENCOUNTER  Think how good virtual sex must be.  Now -- think again.
  • MANNERS  Say please, even to your computer.
  • KIDS They can drive you crazy.  
  • WORRY Would that it could be cured so easily. 
  • THE PENITENT A flawed but honest man who worships a -- to us -- psychopath.
  • JUMPER  For a longing we on earth can never know.  
  • SEASON'S GREETINGS  A new approach to the December dilemma.
  • THE SAXOPHONE  Played by someone unexpected.
  • THE AD AGENCY  Which is worse -- ads or their regulation?  
  • A PHILOSOPHY LESSON  Dogless people may think this story gross -- the rest of us will understand.  
  • THE TAX BELL Best read during April, though can be enjoyed at any time.
  • A TRUE SON OF ASMODEUS A FULL NOVEL -- a unique treatment of the vampire theme -- literary agents take note.  
  • IMPLAC  A FULL NOVEL -- straight SF, but the seeds have already been planted.

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 Revised 12-02

Glossary -- kippa -- head covering worn by Jews, especially during prayer.  Like a "yomika".