It had been raining for so many days that even Kurama had lost count. The demon family had been holed up in their tree dwelling to escape the deluge and had finally run out of games to play. The kittens were driving their touchan batty with arguing and wrestling and all the stuff that stir-crazy kids do to each other. With no sign of a break in the Makai weather pattern, the family had resigned itself to another day stuck inside with nothing to do.
Everyone was crowded onto Kurama and Hiei's futon, idly listening to the rain gently tap against the palm fronds Kurama had fashioned as the dwelling's roof. Awnings made out of banana leaves allowed the family the opportunity to let the breeze in but keep the rain out. As Kurama snoozed, leaning up against the tree-trunk wall, Rami and her brothers were sprawled across the kitsune's and Hiei's bodies. Hiei was leaning up against Kurama; Rami was leaning up against him; and the boys were a mass of arms and legs in every direction on top of her. With nothing to do, snoozing was taking on epic proportions. If the family could save up all the sleep time they had recently accumulated, they would never have to rest again, but of course it doesn't work that way. Taking a slow, deep breath, Hiei finally broke the silence.
"Oi, fox?"
"Hm?" a sleepy mumble came from behind Hiei.
"Why don't you tell us one of those human stories you remember."
"Sure," Kurama stretched as he yawned. "Which one do ya' wanna' hear today?"
Hiei thought for a moment as Rami and the boys perked up a bit.
"The Three Little Demons?" Rami asked.
"Maybe Little Youkai Riding Hood?" Hi suggested.
"Gladys in Underwear," Hiei announced.
"Nani?!?" the family chorused.
"You know, that story about that stupid girl who chases that stupid rabbit down the hole...."
"Gladys in Underwear?!?" the boys laughed, falling off the futon, holding their sides.
"Hiei, I think it's called 'Alice in Wonderland'," Kurama corrected, trying to suppress his own giggling.
"Well, I don't remember what the Hell it was called. At least I remembered it has some girl in it," Hiei pointed out. "Are you gonna' tell us the story or what?"
"All right, I'll try to remember it," Kurama chuckled, as he settled himself down for an afternoon of storytelling. The boys, who had recovered from their hysteria over Hiei's mistake, scrambled back up to snuggle with their touchan and sister and listened intently. Kurama draped an arm over Hiei. Hiei put his arms around Rami, who was hugging her Wuzzy. He closed his eyes, ready to listen to his life-partner's warm baritone voice tell of the adventures of a certain little girl named 'Alice' and what mischief she was about to encounter as a result of her following a certain little white rabbit...
"Pu pu! Pu pu! Pupupupupupu!!"
"Hm?" Hiei's eye's fluttered open. He was snoozing in one of his favorite trees when he heard a very strange noise that startled him awake. He looked down and just caught a glimpse of what he thought was a white rabbit.
"Pu pu!!" the white creature said, hopping past Hiei's tree. It was a rabbit, of a sort. It was white and had very, very long ears, but it also had a jewel in its forehead, and the critter was quite round. It didn't really hop, either. It sorta' bounced. And it had a dopey smile on its face as it kept singing this odd song: 'Pu pu pu pu pu, pu pu pu pu pu.......' It seemed to Hiei that it was in a hurry to get somewhere because suddenly it stopped and looked at its watch. 'A watch?' Hiei scratched his head. 'What the Hell is a rabbit, or whatever that thing is, doing with a watch? You don't need a watch in the Makai.' He decided to follow the thing as it disappeared down a hole next to Hiei's favorite tree.
Once Hiei stepped into the hole, he began to free fall down into pitch blackness. "Shimatta!" he yelled, trying to grab at anything around him to slow his fall. After a few more seconds of falling, he landed smack on his butt with a thump. "Ow!" Hiei growled, rubbing his rear as he stood up. A small glow could just be seen off in the distance, as Hiei watched the rabbit-creature go through a tiny door. He figured he might as well follow the thing further so he could find his way out.
A room began to appear around Hiei as he approached the door. He saw a table, and on it was a bottle with a note attached to it that read "Drink Me." Next to it was a small glass box that had a biscuit-kinda' thing in it, also with a note attached, that read "Eat Me." Hiei frowned as he looked at these strange objects, but before he could investigate further, the plump rabbit-creature reappeared.
"Pu pu?"
"Nani?"
"Pu PU!" The thing was getting kind of testy.
"Look. I don't know who the Hell you are, or where the Hell we are, but I'd like to go back home. So, if you don't mind, would you just show me the way, then I can get outta here."
"Pu pu!"
"And enough with that poo-poo crap; I can't understand a word yer' saying."
The white rabbit-creature motioned to Hiei that he wanted him to follow him through the door. It hopped, err, rather bounced through the door, but the door closed. Suddenly, the door knob glared at Hiei. After a few awkward moments, the door knob spoke.
"Well, aren't you going to drink the potion and get small so you can fit through me?"
Hiei looked back at the table and picked up the two odd items. He looked at the bottle, then back at the door knob.
"You want me to drink this stuff?" Hiei asked, rather annoyed.
"The last person to come through here didn't fit because she was too tall, so you...uhm...well, that is....gee whiz, you're already so small you just might fit."
The last thing the door knob thought as he was being incinerated was what a rotten temper that little runt had.
Hiei pocketed the two strange items as he made his way through the charred remains of the door, trying to catch up to the bouncing white blur of fur. Rounding a corner, he was hit with a tidal wave of salty water. Off in the distance, sitting on a large rock, was Kurama, well, rather redheaded Shuuichi, and he was crying his darling little (*actually, impossibly large*) emerald green eyeballs out.
"Kurama, what the Hell's going on? Are you all right?!?"
"Of course I'm all right. It's just that in this part of the story you're supposed to get upset, cry, and shrink, and then get caught in a pool of your own tears."
"Che. I don't do all the crying in these fanfictions, you do!"
"Well, duh. Everyone who reads Julie's fics knows that. That's why I was recruited."
"Well, hurry up and get us the HELL outta here!"
"Oh, boo hoo," sobbed Kurama/Shuuichi, as a new flood of tears hit Hiei, knocking him over. "You've hurt my feelings talking so mean!" Then, as Hiei floated by, Kurama shouted, "You didn't really hurt my feelings, love! It's just that the onions weren't working fast enough and Julie needed me to cry a whole ton quickly! See ya' in a few pages!!!!!"
"This is getting weird," Hiei thought, suddenly finding himself washed up on a shore (*In New Jersey we call it a shore; you might call it a beach where you live. Sand, water...you get the idea.*).
As Hiei made his way out of the water, he saw several strange creatures chasing each other around and around a large boulder. On top of the boulder was this huge red bird-like critter that looked like a big chicken, and it was making this awful shrieking sound, kinda' like Godzilla. Hiei was grabbed by the sleeve and pulled into the "race".
"Oi! Cut that out!" Hiei tried to shout, as critter after critter ran past him, bumping his soaking wet cloak and brushing up against his katana. "What are you guys doing?!?"
"We're just trying to get dry, and the Great Suzaku says this is the only way, so keep running!" an odd three-eyed creature shouted as he ran past the baffled Koorime. Just then, a somewhat attractive female creature with a double set of breasts wearing a strange bikini came screaming past Hiei, shouting, "Hentai! Hentai!" Close behind her was a scuzzy little old white-haired man trying to grab her tops off, shouting, "What a haul! What a haul!!" Hiei stopped in his tracks and a whole bunch of creatures plowed into him, knocking him out of the circle and back onto his rump again. Hiei shook his head as he got up, brushing sand off his behind, watching the strange race continue without a logical end.
"Weirder and weirder," Hiei mumbled to himself. Just then, Youko Kurama appeared next to him.
"It's curiouser and curiouser, Hiei. Get the story right!" Then the youko disappeared. Hiei raised an eyebrow.
"That's it. I'm outta here."
Hiei left the unusual happenings on the shore (*beach, if you prefer*) and went wandering through a forest that backed up to the sand. He figured it had to lead him back home. It looked an awful lot like the Makai forest, but he was getting so confused he couldn't be sure. And where did that rabbit thing go?
Making his was through the dense undergrowth, he thought he heard two young men arguing. He pushed through some low branches to find a set of sandy-haired twins dressed in ancient Chinese clothes wrestling with each other. One was twirling a nasty looking sphere on a rope, and the other was bopping his twin over the head with a flute.
"Miaka loves me more!"
"No she doesn't! She loves me more, baka!"
"Ahem!"
The good-looking twins suddenly stopped wrestling and looked up at Hiei.
"Ah, you're finally here!" said the twin with the flute. "We've been waiting for you. It's our turn to help you continue your journey through Wonder..."
"Shhhh!" the twin with the nasty sphere said, as he put his hand up to his brother's mouth. "You're not supposed to tell him where he is! He has to figure that out by himself."
"Oh, yeah. I forgot."
Hiei eyed the twins suspiciously. They seemed to know he was coming and that bothered him.
"We're supposed to tell you a story about a Walrus and a Carpenter and how they trick all these clams into joining them for dinner but then they eat them."
"I don't eat shellfish," Hiei grumbled.
"Oh, you keep kosher?"
"No, I just don't like shellfish," Hiei replied.
"Well, I do," the flute-twin said. "I think clams casino is just the greatest. But people put too much oregano on it and it ruins the delicate flavor of the clams."
"Well, I like clams marinara. It tastes much better than clams casino, if you ask me."
"So, who asked you?"
"Who made you a gourmet expert, baka?"
"Oh, yeah?!? Well, who says clams marinara are better than clams casino?!?"
"I'll show you where you can stick your clams!!"
While the twins resumed their arguing and wrestling, Hiei rolled his eyes and continued on his way.
After wandering around the woods for a short time, Hiei came upon a clearing that was surrounded by the most beautiful and exotic looking flowers and plants he had ever seen. He couldn't resist looking down into a particularly lovely iris as he thought of his botanically-charged kitsune. Closing his eyes for a quick sniff, he suddenly felt a vine winding its way up his pants leg.
"Oi! Cut that out!" Hiei shouted, swatting at the vine. The thing actually giggled as it pulled away. While Hiei's back was turned, a large leaf began to wrap itself around Hiei's arm. Hiei smacked at it with his hand and it pulled away, also giggling. Then the vine returned and tried to unbuckled Hiei's belts.
"What the Hell...what are you doing?" Hiei jumped back and away from the aggressive foliage.
"We work for Kurama-sama. He said we could have some fun and do what he does with you when you got here!"
"Nani?"
Suddenly, a rose appeared out of nowhere and wrapped itself around the startled fire demon.
"Would you pollinate me, koibito? I'll be careful of my thorns!"
"Let go of me or I'll turn you all into fertilizer!"
"Oooh, so macho! I love that. Come into my bed, Hiei, and talk some more dirt!"
"Let GO!" Hiei screamed as he drew his katana and mowed down the libidinous flowers.
"Kurama-sama's gonna be mad when he finds out what you did!" some of the less injured flowers taunted back as Hiei ran deeper into the woods. He didn't see where he was going and he crashed smack into a huge mushroom. On top of the mushroom, smoking a hookah, was....Jabba the Hut?!?
"What the Hell are you doin' here?" Hiei asked incredulously. "You're not even an anime character!"
"Yeah, well, my agent booked me for this gig since the money was good, plus Julie couldn't find a caterpillar anime character, so you're stuck with me."
"Well," Hiei began, leaning his elbow against the fungus (*the mushroom, not Jabba*). "Maybe you can tell me how to get outta here. This place is really getting weird."
"Tell me about it," the disgusting slug chuckled back. "I was happy getting residual checks since they re-released my movie, but NO, Julie had to pull me out of retirement for this stupid story. Don't ya' just hate fanfiction authors."
"Hn."
"Well, okay. I'm supposed to tell you to eat some of this mushroom so you can grow bigger."
Hiei squinted at the slimy creature.
"But since I don't want to become escargot, I think I'll just let you continue on your merry way." The overweight ground-crawler pointed a chubby finger in the direction Hiei was to advance. "Just keep heading in that general direction and you should find your way back home."
"Arigatou," Hiei said, quickly flitting off in the new direction.
After a few minutes of wandering, he was no better off than when he had started and found himself just as lost.
"Now which way should I go?" Hiei stopped along a path that had signs that pointed all over. Some said "This Way," some said "That Way," some even said "Yonder." 'When I find that white rabbit...' Hiei just started to think, when from up above him, on a tree limb, he heard giggling. Very slowly, a huge smile appeared in thin air. Then a cute cat face came into view.
"And who are you supposed to be?" Hiei asked, as he tilted his head.
"I'm the Cheshire Cat, but you can call me 'Merle'," the cat purred.
Hiei thought for a moment.
"Oh, you're that cat-girl from that anime that has all those people with strange noses. What's that called, Esca-floozy?"
"We don't have strange noses!" Merle hissed, her tail puffing up. "We can't help it if our animators can't draw those teensy little triangle noses you other anime characters all have. Geesh, I'd be afraid to kiss any of you guys for fear of getting stabbed in the face!"
"And what's with that halo around all of your heads?" Hiei added. "Don't those artists know how to draw highlights in hair? Jeez."
"Just for that, I'm not gonna' tell you which way to go!"
'I'd like to tell the author of this fanfic where to go,' Hiei mumbled under his breath.
"Say you're sorry and I'll help you get home," Merle purred sweetly.
"Gomen nasai, Merle. Which way should I go now?"
"That's better. Okay, the script says I'm to tell you to go through those woods and ask the guys at the tea party which path to take next." Merle began licking her hand (*paw?*) as she pointed with the other at another clearing in the woods (*how many clearings are there gonna' be in this story?!?!*).
"Arigatou!" Hiei shouted, running to where Merle was pointing. Just as he got out of sight, Merle hocked up a hair ball.
Hacking his way through the underbrush (*just what the hell IS underbrush*), Hiei thought he heard the sounds of two people in the "throws of passion" (*okay, he heard two people screwin' their brains out*). As he moved aside a large palm leaf, he saw a very petite naked red-haired young woman with very small breasts.....uhm, well.....sitting on top of a large semi-clad blonde soldier-looking-type guy who had a BIG.....sword.
"Oh, Lina, Lina, you're fantastic!"
"Oh, Gourry, you're great, too!"
Hiei stood up and stared at the innocent looking young lady and said, "What's a nice girl like you doing on a Knight like this?" (*I'm sorry, I just HAD to put that joke in!*)
"Do you mind?!?" snarled the blonde Knight. "We're just trying to do what all our fans want us to do, so give us a little privacy, dozo!"
"Well, where the Hell is the freakin' tea party I'm 'sposed to find?"
"It's just on the other side of these trees. Now LEAVE US ALONE!!" Just then, the naked little redhead with the small breasts reached back with her hands and shouted, "Flame Arrow!!", and a bolt of fire came searing past Hiei's head.
"Look out! I'll save you!!!" came a voice from behind Hiei. As Hiei turned, he saw a redheaded young man (*ANOTHER redhead?!?! Why do so many anime characters have red hair?*) wearing a ratty kimono and cute little brown socks, with an "x" scar on his left cheek, come charging in front of him waving a sword.
"Hiten Mitsurugi Ryu!!!" came the voice, trying to sound really butch, but still sounding like a girl.
Unfortunately, the flame arrow found it's mark and the redhead in the ratty kimono fell to the ground, toasted.
Just then, out of nowhere, a group of small kids wearing parkas appeared next to the body. One of them pointed at the crispy samurai.
"Oh, my God. They killed Kenny!"
Then they all disappeared.
Hiei closed his eyes and shook his head. "Why did I want to hear THIS story?"
The pissed-off little fire demon was just about to call it quits when he heard voices coming from just beyond the trees. He peeked through some hedges and saw three young men, sitting with their feet up, smoking cigars, and toasting each other with cups of Sake. In the background were three huge Transformer-looking kind of machines about five stories tall.
"Um, excuse me. Isn't this supposed to be a tea party?"
"Ptff. Yeah, right! Like I'm gonna' drink tea!" the young man with the outrageously long braid snickered.
"Can we help you with something, little boy?" asked the other young man with strange hair that seemed to be all brushed to one side and covered his eye.
Smoke began to rise out of Hiei's collar.
"I am not a little boy," he growled through clenched teeth. "In fact, I'm older than all three of you put together!"
The Chinese-looking young man stood up and bowed deeply.
"Gomen nasai for the behavior of my rude and obnoxious co-workers. You see, we were recruited by a certain fanfic author to participate in this story against our will. She doesn't even like our series, except for maybe a certain moody, platinum blonde who always wears a mask. Anyway, as you can see, we are trying to make the best of it, so either join us or keep on your journey."
The young man with the braid looked up and grinned at the Chinese-looking fellow.
"Oi, you did that really good. How come you're never that polite to me on our show?"
"Because on our show, you act like a putz."
"Did he just call me a klutz?" the braided one asked the Veronica Lake wannabe.
"You clowns make me feel like I'm back in the circus!" the coifed-challenged young man humphed and continued getting blitzed on the Sake.
'I'm getting nowhere with these guys,' Hiei thought, so he left the inebriated trio to their party and continued searching for the way to go home on his own.
It was beginning to get dark, and Hiei still hadn't a clue as to how he was going to find his way home. Just as he was about to feel sorry for himself (*but he didn't start to cry - too many people told me they don't like to see Hiei cry*), the tubby white rabbit-critter came bouncing past him, still singing that annoying Pu Pu song. Hiei jumped up and followed it into a strange garden. There were playing cards (*you know, the kind with all the anime characters on them*) painting white roses red. Hiei stopped in his tracks and frowned.
"What the Hell are you guys doing?"
A very nervous Clamp-character card (*with outrageously long legs and no butt to speak of*) turned and looked at the confused youkai.
"The Queen of Hearts wanted red roses, but only white ones came up, so we have to paint them red or we'll be killed in a particularly gruesome fashion (*like in "X" - how many times can that poor girl get her head cut off?!?!?!*).
"Why didn't you just plant red roses in the first place?"
The cards looked at one another.
"I told you we shoulda' planted the red roses, but did anyone listen to me?!? NO!!!" the one card shouted, as he kicked the other card in the Ace.
"Look! Here comes the Queen of Hearts!! Quick, kneel or you'll be killed," the other card shouted, as he got hit with a Club.
"Finally!" Hiei exclaimed, kneeling down on one knee. "Maybe now I can get outta here. The Queen must know the way home."
As an entourage of lesser known anime characters who don't have lucrative contracts led the processional, Hiei looked up and couldn't believe his eyes. Shuuichi/Kurama, dressed in a beautiful ensemble of ermine and gold that set off his beautiful long red hair (*gasp*), came up to the stunned youkai.
"This is my favorite part, koibito," Kurama whispered to Hiei. "Off With His Pants!!" he shouted.
"Nani?" all the characters chorused.
"Off with his pants?" Kurama asked coyly, with a twinkle in his eye.
"I think it's 'Off with his Head', baka," Hiei corrected.
"Hey, you take off what you wanna' take off, I'll take off what I wanna' take off!" and the lusty "queen" began to chase Hiei out of the garden.
Anime characters went running off in all different directions as Hiei found himself lost - again - deep in the woods.
"That's it! I want out of this story, NOW!" Hiei yelled at the top of his lungs.
Youko Kurama suddenly appeared behind him wearing a goofy grin. Around his neck hung the little glass box's sign, "Eat Me."
"Take that off, baka!" Hiei snipped, pulling off the sign. Just then he got a brilliant idea.
"Well, if I'm gonna be stuck here I might as well have some fun of my OWN!"
Hiei reached into his pocket and pulled out the bottle. He tripped Kurama, and as the startled kitsune tried to get back up, Hiei poured the potion into the fox's mouth. Kurama immediately shrunk to Hiei's size. A smile sneered it's way onto Hiei's face and a wicked glow lit his eyes. Kurama turned and ran but Hiei caught up to him, and began to shake him by the shoulders.
"Now yer' gonna' see what it's like to be my size stuck in this *@#$ fanfiction!" and he shook him and shook him, and slowly Kurama's face began to change. It got softer and fuzzier, and then....
"Touchan! Stop it. You're hurting my Wuzzy!" a very angry Rami was whining at Hiei, as she stood before him with her little hands on her hips, scowling down at her Koorime touchan.
"Huh?" Hiei mumbled, handing Wuzzy back to Rami. She snatched Wuzzy away from the vice grip Hiei had on it.
"It's okay, Wuzzy. Touchan didn't mean it." Rami stroked the stuffed critter's horn, kissing it, then frowned at her bleary-eyed father.
"Oi, koibito. Look. It stopped raining!" Kurama announced, as he looked out the window.
"Hurray! Now we can play outside!!!" all the kittens chorused, and they went running out of the tree house.
"You better not track mud in here when you come back!" yelled Kurama, as the brood went scampering away. "Oh well. At least they can get some fresh air for a while."
Hiei sat up and scratched his head.
"Did you like the story, Hiei?" Kurama asked, stretching himself out across the futon. "You seemed to be mumbling a lot while I told it. Were you sleeping?" Kurama snuggled up to his fire demon and began to purr.
"I coulda' sworn...."
"Well, let's go gather some dinner, koibito." Kurama got up and headed out of the bedchamber. "I thought I'd make your favorite tonight."
"What's that?" Hiei asked, as they both got to the front door.
"Rabbit and Mushroom Stew, of course!" Kurama shouted, running off after the children.
"Weirder and weirder...." Hiei thought, as he looked back at the futon, then went outside and joined his family.
The multitude of anime characters, plus a few guest appearances by non-anime critters, is the property of all their respective companies (look below for the animes featured - YOU guess the characters). Special thanks to the spirit of Lewis Carroll, for writing such interesting stories, and to Walt Disney, for screwing around with them and making kids all over the world think that his version was the correct one.
Animes, in order of appearance: YYH, of course; Magic Knight Rayearth; Fushigi Yuugi; Ranma 1/2; Fushigi again; Star Wars; Escaflowne; The Slayers; Rurouni Kenshin; South Park; Gundam Wing; Clamp; then back to YYH.