Kurama shivered slightly as the cool evening air floated across the bare skin of his arms while he looked out from his hiding place at the beautiful colors the Makai sunset was creating in the sky. Every possible hue of gold danced before his damp eyes as he recalled many other similar sunsets. His kaasan, Shiori, always loved to sit and watch the sun set while holding little Shuuichi on her lap in their Ningenkai backyard. She would tell him tales of brave Knights rescuing damsels in distress or mysterious stories of travelers from other worlds (how did she know?) who secretly walked amongst them and that they didn't even know it. Shuuichi/Kurama would listen, mesmerized, and pretend he was a part of the stories as they sat on the porch watching the sun slowly descended behind the houses that backed up to his home. It was always a special treat to view sunsets away from the city, though, and Shiori would sometimes pack a picnic dinner just so she and Shuuichi could visit the park and spend some quiet time together.
Sunsets had always been a peaceful time for the human/youko. He liked the way his body would relax and get sleepy and how his mind would shut off the stresses and troubles of the day. Since Shiori's death, however, when a particularly beautiful sunset would occur, like the one tonight, Kurama would become overwhelmed with memories of his beloved kaasan and he would escape to his hiding place to be alone.
He sat on the edge of a low cliff overlooking the small, sparkling lake that the family enjoyed for their water and bathing; that is, whenever Kurama could actually catch one of the children long enough to give them a bath. His silver mane just reached the ground, mingling with the luxurious silver strands of his tail as he wrapped his arms around his knees. His large furry ears were pressed flat against the sides of his head in tension. He had been resting his forehead on his crossed hands, occasionally wiping his cheeks on his arms and was softly crying. He lifted his head and closed his eyes feeling the last fleeting rays of the sun gently caress his face like soft, warm hands while he imagined it was Shiori coming into his bedroom when he was little to stroke his face and kiss him goodnight.
He didn't want the children to see him like this; it had been almost three years since the earthquake and most of the time Kurama was fine when it came to talking about Shiori. He made it a point to let the children know what their grandmother was all about. He especially wanted them to know that there were still a few good humans left in the Ningenkai besides Uncle Kuwabura and his sister Shizaru, "Uncle" Yusuke and "Aunt" Keiko (they knew that Aunt Yukina chose to live in the Ningenkai even though Hiei would grumble and wonder why). Kurama was always open with his feelings and affections since his reincarnation as Youko Kurama, much of Shuuichi's human influence still buried deep within his soul. Hiei commented one time that he couldv'e sworn he saw flecks of green in Kurama's golden eyes; and every once in awhile a stray flaming red hair would sprout up from behind one of Kurama's downy soft fox ears and hide itself amongst the silver silk.
Kurama leaned his cheek against his knees and sighed deeply. "When?'" he thought to himself. As he started to feel himself drift off a little, Hiei softly walked up behind him, not hiding the sounds his feet were making and stood next to Kurama. He titled his head and looked down. Kurama smiled...well, at least made an attempt at a smile...and patted the ground next to himself for Hiei to sit. "Uhn uhn," Hiei grunted as he shook his head and tapped Kurama on the knees, wanting his fox to make room on his lap for him. Kurama lowered his legs as Hiei climbed onto him, letting his own legs rest across Kurama as he gently wrapped his slender arms the youko's neck, resting his head on the youko's shoulder. Kurama closed his eyes and sighed as he in turn wrapped his larger arms around Hiei's back and held him close, rubbing his cheek against Hiei's soft, spiky black hair. Kurama inhaled deeply as he let the scent of Hiei's hair fill his nostrils; he loved the way Hiei smelled. It used to smell like the pine trees Hiei liked to sleep in; now it reminded Kurama of home.
After a long, wonderful hug, Hiei lifted himself a little ways away from Kurama so that his forehead was resting against the kitsune's cheek.
After a sniff, and clearing his throat a bit, Kurama whispered, "what did you tell the kids?"
"Hn," Hiei replied, closing his eyes and nuzzling Kurama's cheek. "I didn't have to tell them anything. They know you, fox. And if you think they don't know where you are...you're incredibly obvious, you know."
"Am I?" Kurama said with a soft chuckle in his voice. Then, with a sigh, "I really thought you guys didn't know where I was. Well, actually, that's not true. I figured you'd find me, but not the kids."
"They know you need time, kitsune.....they know how much you miss her."
As Hiei repositioned himself so he could watch the sunset and snuggle he felt Kurama's chin just start to tremble against the side of his cheek. He looked up to see Kurama's eyes brimming with tears as the youko tried to keep his composure. But it was hopeless. Kurama could never hide his emotions from Hiei, and a new round of tears began to roll down his cheeks.
"When, Hiei?" Kurama said in a choked whisper. "When will it stop hurting?" He tried to keep himself from really breaking down but his hitched breaths were causing small gasps of air as he inhaled. Hiei looked at Kurama and couldn't remember that last time he'd seen him look so sad. He saw such pain in his lover's face that he frowned and then gently reached up to stroke Kurama's cheek with his callused hand, wiping away a tear.
Hiei moved off of Kurama's lap and pulled him close so that Kurama's body was now resting against his chest. The youko closed his eyes and snuggled even closer so that his large ear was directly over Hiei's heart, listening to the reassuring, steady beat. Though his breath was still ragged, Kurama began to relax into the embrace and he wrapped his arms tightly around the fire demon's body.
"I've been observing people," Hiei's deep voice began, as he rubbed the back of Kurama's arm.
"That's odd." Kurama said softly with a sniffle, "You usually don't like people."
"Are you gonna shuddup and listen to me, or what?" Hiei said pulling his head away from Kurama to give his fox a glare.
"Gomen, Hiei" Kurama apologized as he re-snuggled himself against his husband. "You've been observing people..."
"I've observed that there are three different kinds of people in the worlds. Well, at least three different ways that people handle...situations...like this," Hiei said, trying to choose his words carefully. Then he continued, speaking very deliberately, as if he'd planned this speech for some time. "The first kind of person, when someone they love...goes away...they act like nothing's happened, like there's nothing wrong. They don't talk about them. Geez, they don't even think about them. It's almost like they can't think about them, and so, to keep it from hurting, it's like the person they loved never really existed."
"That's terrible," Kurama commented softly as he frowned, his mind tried to imagine if he knew anybody like that. As a stray tear slipped over Kurama's mouth, he let the tip of his tongue just capture it as it touched his lips.
"Then there's the second kind of person," Hiei continued as he adjusted his and Kurama's position to get more comfortable. The sun was just barely visible now above the treetops, and shadows were playing with the Makai landscape below where the two demons were snuggling. Kurama had begun to absent-mindedly finger the two buckles that held Hiei's belts in place. "This person makes a half-hearted attempt at being sad that their loved one is gone. They'll visit the grave, if there is one...they'll remember something or other that the person did...they'll keep little mementos around to remind them of that person...but soon...they stop visiting...they stop talking about them...and the pictures and shit that they had around the place get replaced with other shit." Kurama poked Hiei lightly in the ribs with his finger, causing him to just catch his breath.
"Hiei!" Kurama scolded gently, as he wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. "Remember, we got kids now. Don't swear."
"Ch! Can I finish my story, please?" Hiei grumbled as he pinched Kurama on the side, making the youko jump, and then re-snuggled with a sigh. "Hai. Finish your story, dozo."
After a very long pause, Hiei continued his observations. "The third kind of person..." Hiei took a deep breath. "The third kind of person is very different from the first two." Hiei began to slowly rub one of Kurama's sensitive ears, eliciting a soft purr of pleasure from the fox. "This person feels the loss of their loved all the time. It's almost like a little piece of them has died as well. For those people, the hurting never stops." Kurama stopped purring and suddenly got very quiet, noticing that Hiei used the word "died" for the first time. "This third kind of person remembers their loved one practically every day. Little things remind them of that person. Things like smells...or food...or" Hiei whispered "...or...even sunsets...it's like all the things their doing they still want to share with their loved one. It's like they should be right here. It's like, how can other people go about their business like nothing's happened - don't they know this person isn't here anymore?" Kurama felt a lump in his throat as he listened to his very observant lover. He knew his chin was quivering again so he put his fingers up to his mouth to try and stop it, like that was going to work. "This third kind of person does visit the grave all the time, and tells other people lots of wonderful stories and fun times they had, and maybe even some sad times, that they experienced with that person. And it's like that person is still alive...still living through them." Kurama began to sniffle again.
"Kitsune," Hiei said softly, lifting Kurama's chin to look into his fox's tear-filled eyes. "I'm so incredibly lucky that I love...and am loved by...this third kind of person." A tear that sparkled in the evening light trickled down Kurama's cheek as he looked into the ruby eyes of his lover. "But I'm also feeling very guilty."
"Guilty?" Kurama asked, as he pulled away and sat up, facing Hiei. He took the palm of his hand and roughly wiped his cheek again. "What do you feel guilty about?" He didn't understand Hiei's meaning.
"Well, " Hiei began, feeling his own cheeks become very warm all of a sudden. He took Kurama's hands into his smaller ones, rubbing his thumbs over Kurama's fingers. Kurama was staring at Hiei, trying to comprehend how Hiei could possibly feel guilty about Kurama being sad over his kaasan's death. "You see, I need you to be that third kind of person. I need to know that...if I...died...you'd remember me...and miss me..." Hiei's voice was starting to shake just a little but he was determined NOT to lose his composure, unlike his highly emotional lover. "I feel guilty" he whispered "because I know how much you're hurting right now...but...if you didn't hurt this much now, then you wouldn't...you...if I..."
"Oh, Hiei," Kurama sighed. "Don't feel guilty. I think I know what you're trying to tell me, and I appreciate it very much," he said with a sad smile. "C'mere, baka," Kurama pulled Hiei back into his lap again for a fierce hug, causing Hiei to "umph" as the air was squeezed out of his lungs. Hiei brought his arms up and clung to Kurama's neck, burying his face under his chin. He closed his eyes and sighed. The "observation" had taken quite a bit out of the little youkai, but he had been determined to say it all. Kurama started to gently rock as he again rested his chin on Hiei's hair. His eyes were gleaming, but this time they were filled with happy tears.
"I think we're gonna drive each other crazy," Kurama said with a small catch in his voice. Then they rested their foreheads together. "Koibito, I had no idea that you felt this way. You have to tell me how you feel all the time, Hiei. Don't hold anything back. And don't ever feel guilty about the way that you love me."
"Well, you're the emotional one, baka, not me. I don't cry at the drop of a hat."
"I can't help it, it's that damn Shuuichi stuck inside me." Kurama chuckled softly and gave a big sniffle.
"Hey, who's swearin' now?" Hiei replied, raising an eyebrow. "Well, actually, it's okay if you gotta cry...just don't get any snot on me, that's all."
"Oh...gomen nasai...I don't think I did," Kurama answered as he wiped his nose with the back of his arm, looking over Hiei's hair.
"That's disgusting," Hiei snarled with a smirk as he got up off the ground, brushing himself off. Kurama just smiled back at him impishly wiggling his nose. He reached his hand out to Hiei and with surprising ease was lifted to his feet.
"Let's go back home, kitsune," Hiei said softly as he looked up lovingly into Kurama's eyes. "The kids are waiting." He couldv'e sworn he saw flecks of green amongst the gold.
The End
Copyright 1998 Julie Farel
Standard Yu Yu Hakusho disclaimer stuff. Hey, I'm not makin' any money offa these fanfics so lighten up!