The stage is a lecture hall at the University Clinic's Social-Pathological Anatomical Institute. Big sign over the door : "LECTURE HALL 4B, SOC. PATH. ANAT. DISSECTION LABORATORY. SILENCE!" Sign 2 : "UNIVERSITY POLYCLINIC. REFRIGERATED STORAGE. NO ADMITTANCE!"

On the rostrum stands a dissection table and a very large "tea table" with bottles, instruments, tampons, glasses, Bunsen burners, bottles in different colors, thongs, bonesaw, enormous injection syringes, bedpan, and other utensils such as are found in a well-equipped, modern operating theatre. Operation-lamp which can be moved in all directions. Other props appear as they are fetched or unwrapped. Quite conspicuous are a number of white plastic bags with red crosses on them.

NURSE (Claps her hands): Ladies and gentlemen! Silence! Be quiet! Hello! The Social-pathological Institute of the University Clinic has the great honour of welcoming the outstanding and world-famous social surgeon, Prof. Vivaldi, M.D., head of the Social-Psychological Surgical Institute at ... (The audience becomes dead-silent) ... the Polyclinic of the University Clinic in Minsk.

STUDENTS (Applaud and stamp their feet:) Bravo! Bravo! Bring him on!

NURSE: The Social Surgeon is going to give a lecture with demonstrations . . . (Applause and shouts of: BRAVO!) . . ..and . . . shhh!. . . .QUIET! Ladies and gentlemen, quiet!!! And. our very own and. highly esteemed disciplinary- and psycho-surgeon Supreme Court Surgeon, Prof. Fortinbras, M.D. . . (New applause and bravos) . . . will give a brief introduction to our honoured guest speaker's lecture. . . .

STUDENTS: Bravo! Bravo!

NURSE: The Disciplinary Surgeon as well as the Social Surgeon will work with living material from the polyclinic's own isolation ward. . . .

STUDENTS: (Wild, ecstatic acclaim, applause, stomping of feet)

NURSE: I give the floor to Supreme Court Surgeon, Prof. Fortinbras, M.D. (Low curtsy) Please, Mr. Disciplinary Surgeon! (Curtsies again. ADOLF throws out two huge, black suitcases to her. Each has a round, white area with a big red cross on it). Thank you, professor, thank you very much.

FORTINBRAS (In. The audience applauds loudly. Smiling and bowing he receives the applause in stride, as a celebrated actor): Mrrr. . .Mrrr. . . MRR. . . Where are the wall charts, my boy? The wall-charts!

ADOLF (Gets going, quick as a flash): I was just going to get them, Professor. (Out)

FORTINBRAS (to NURSE): Now for the subject of the experiment, where is it now?

NURSE: In refrigerated storage in the polyclinic, right in there. (Points) It was the professor's guest, Professor Vivaldi, M.D., who insisted that even living material should be kept in the deep freeze.

FORTINBRAS: He ought to be taken out now, I think, so that he will be awake for the examination in front of the observers. (Smiles, nods.) Right, little nurse? (NURSE out. He calls after her) Give him a little injection! I'm sure you can find something out there!

ADOLF (In with two huge, rather old-fashioned wall-charts): Here you are, Professor!

FORTINBRAS: Uh-huh! That's it! (Together they hang up the wall-charts. Chart A represents, under a tremendous heading ""Man", ordinary muscleman, with open belly, guts, sinews, eye sockets, etc. etc. Chart B, under the heading "Man—an internal combustion engine", represents a human-looking car engine.) As you see, ladies and gentlemen, one can immediately find the analogies between (Points with a staff) the exhaust pipe and rectum, the muffler and the bowels, the lights and the eyes—even two of each!—Furthermore: cylinders and. muscles, battery and brain, carburetor and spinal cord, wires and nervous system. . . etc. etc. The car engine, however, has far greater adaptability than the human being and the internal combustion engine has no deviant opinions either. Disciplinary surgery—or, if you wish: psycho-surgery—is founded on the principle that man in his present form is of faulty construction—highly subject to subjective patterns of behaviour. Now, it goes without saying that all social problems can be solved only to the extent that we can work on non-deviant humans. This is the basis of both general social surgery as well as my own specialty: psycho- or disciplinary surgery.

NURSE (In): Excuse me, Professor, the subject of the experiment seems to be getting restless.

FORTINBRAS: (Listens with lifted eyebrows, gives a meaningful nod and points to an enormous injection syringe lying on the tea table. While he continues talking, he explains in pantomime to the nurse what she should do: points to the syringe, then to various bottles on the table, suggesting that see take a little here, a little there, and fill the syringe which must be well shaken and finally, used. He demonstrates this in pantomime of using the syringe with great force.) Later, psycho-surgery has proven itself in actual practice to be indispensable far beyond the treatment of the manifestly criminal clientele. Practically any kind of deviant behaviour can be treated in this day and age. (NURSE has filled the syringe, shakes it, squeezes out the air and carries it carefully—with the needle up in the air—out to the polyclinic. A loud, piercing and penetrating, wailing scream of pain is heard.) Psycho-surgery is also made use of as a preventive disciplinary surgery in connection with adultery, with the establishment of law and order . . . on privates or petty officers in our armed forces . . . on school children . . . on rebellious students . . . on people who wish to be alone . . . people who sleep on the stomach can be cured . . . people with warts or regular bad habits. . . . Recently I operated most successfully on a young girl for a particular form of deviant behaviour; she was. . . .

NURSE (Humbly): Excuse me, professor, but your esteemed colleague is waiting; the social surgeon is quite indignant, and says that. . . . (Whispers in FORTINBRAS' ear)

FORTINBRAS (Lifts his eyebrows, smiles and shakes his head): No, no, no, of course not! We shall let him operate immediately. . . . (Waves the whole matter away like a fly) Let Adolf roll in the subject of the experiment, and you can fetch Professor Vivaldi yourself. . . . (Loudly to the audience) Finally, I should just like to emphasize the immense significance of my own brainchild, what is called disciplinary surgery, which is a natural extension of psycho-surgery—it is an invention which can only be compared with the work of Pasteur, and one which not only brought me the rank of general in our armed forces, but also yielded me the Nobel Peace Prize! (Bows. Applause. NURSE in. He points to the suitcases, and she opens them. While he continues talking, she takes out of the suitcases and puts on him: boots of white shiny rubber, a white, shiny operation coat which buttons in the back and has numerous bloodspots, among them an obvious blood-red handprint, and likewise footprint. She fills liquid in a wash basin, to let him sterilize his hands before holding them up in the air for a long time and letting her put rubber gloves on him, as well as a kind of white butcher's cap with gold trim.

ADOLF rolls in an operating table on wheels, equipped, among other things, with the two stirrups of the kind used most by gynecologists. PATIENT A, MR. FORGETMENOT, lies motionless under a sheet, completely covered).

FORTINBRAS: . . . among those discoveries that have been done in the field of social surgery. Disciplinary surgery has laid the foundation for all future organised social structures, and can, as I have said before, only be compared with the ingenious pioneering work of Koch, Pasteur and Semmelweis in their fields. . . . the endocrine g1ands, ladies and gentlemen! The endocrine glands! (Points to wall-chart A, and at that moment PROFESSOR VIVALDI, M.D., comes in. Everyone looks at him. Physically he is the exact opposite of FORTINBRAS. Behind the social surgeon comes ADOLF, carrying his elegant, but also very large and heavy suitcase) . . . here, ladies and gentlemen, on chart A, you can see. . . (The students, whose attention is caught by VIVALDI's entry, begin to applaud. FORTINBRAS raises his voice greatly) . . . On chart A you can see the endocrine g1ands marked in red ink. . . . (looks at his colleague and nods, irritated) . . . By transplanting these . . . that is, the endocrine glands on a little boy, a twelve-year-old . . . endocrine boy . . . a boy-gland . . . .by transplanting a gland-boy . . . I succeeded in endoctrinating . . . by indoctrinating I succeeded in disciplining. . . .

VIVALDI: Don't let yourself he disturbed, dear colleague, by all means . . . the night flight to Minsk doesn't leave until ten o'clock tonight . . . and it is really such a long time since I have heard a physician mention the endocrine glands, that I am delighted to listen. . . . (Scathingly ironic) . . . do continue, dear colleague, do continue!

FORTINBRAS (furious): Allow me the great pleasure of introducing my most learned and distinguished colleague, the world-famous social surgeon from that immensely worthy institution, the Psycho-social Surgical Institute at the Social-pathological Research Center in Minsk, Prof. Vivaldi, M.D., who holds the chair in neuro-anatomy at the same institute, and is a recipient of the Pentagon Peace Prize.

(VIVALDI bows, the students applaud and stamp their feet. Shouts of "Bravo!").

VIVALDI: I thank you, I also thank my distinguished colleague for his lecture on the so-called endocrine glands. My own specialty, social surgery, ladies and gentlemen— is not based on the so-called endocrine g1ands highly overrated by supreme court surgery,—and which I shall pass over without mention—but on the anatomical structure of the cerebrum; on the incredibly detailed, exact, scientific-empirical charting of the brain mantle as well as on the most precise observations of the science of general neuro-anatomy. Social surgery has transformed psychology and psychiatry into concrete scientific disciplines of great precision—ladies and gentlemen: Psychology is a neuroanatomical problem.

FORTINBRAS (Shakes his head, angry and indignant): An endocrine problem, doctor! En-do-crine!!

VIVALDI: My method is empirical! (To ADOLF) There, in the suitcase! (Sits down on the dissecting table and holds his arms straight out in the air in front of him.) If the demonstration object is still alive, I shall prove what I have said by using my electroscalpel! (To the audience) One must dare to use bold combinations! Win new territory! New currents! Climb every mountain!

FORTINBRAS: Psychology is a function of the endocrine glands, and the only hope for law lies in effective glandular surgery. (Writes on the board : CONSCIOUSNESS = GLANDS.)

VIVALDI: (Is dressed by ADOLF in his operating coat, red rubber boots and elbow-length red rubber gloves): Let us not mince words, dear colleague. But let us decide the matter by means of objective research on an empirical basis! (To ADOLF) Would you be so kind as to wake up the demonstration material? (To NURSE) The instruments, if you please! Thank you, my dear!

FORTINBRAS: Nurse, the instruments, please!

(LUCREZIA begins unpacking the instruments. ADOLF tries to wake PATIENT A, who is lying lifeless under the sheet. He doesn't remove the sheet, only lifts it off the feet and slaps him on the soles of his feet, without result. He rubs his stomach vigorously, lifts the patient's arm and drops it again: it falls down, lifeless. Etc., etc.)

VIVALDI: It would be a nuisance if the experimental organism had died of his own accord.

FORTINBRAS: NO, no, no! It has merely received a slight overdose from the nurse. (Leans over PATIENT A) The endocrine g1ands, professor! The glands!

VIVALDI: The brain mantle, professor! Transplantations, the recoupling of impulse-channels (Reassuring.) But of course coupled with extensive, primary amputations!

FORTINBRAS: Now you re talking! Amputations are a must! Whatever the circumstance: Amputations!

VIVALDI (they shake each other's hands): Shall we begin with a cross-examination of the material?

FORTINBRAS (Bent over PATIENT A, who despite the vigorous massage, does not wake up): Now, you mustn't ignore the endocrine g1ands, dear col1eague! Here you are! Be my guest! He's all yours. (He passes the trolley with PATIENT A over to VIVALDI, who sends it back again.)

VIVALDI: Neuro-anatomy, professor! (Shakes his head) It appears that we shall have to wake him by chemical means.

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This page added April 2001