WOMEN VET
11/16/98
Maxattak
I AM SO EXCITED TO FIND COMMUNICATION ON LINE ABOUT VETS. I AM A VIETNAM ERA WOMAN VET WHO HAS RECOGNIZED THE TRUE MEANING OF WHY I JOINED THE MILITARY. FOR MANY YEARS I IGNORED THAT PORTION OF MY LIFE LIKE IT WAS SOMETHING THAT DID NOT HAPPEN. THE WOMENS PROGRAM FOR SEXUAL TRAUMA GAVE ME THE COURAGE I NEEDED TO ADMIT TO WHAT THE PAST WAS REALLY LIKE. I SOMETIMES WONDER IF THE POLITIANS ARE SERIOUS ABOUT HELPING WOMEN WHOSE LIFES WERE TARNISHED WHILE IN THE MILITARY OR IF IT IS JUST ANOTHER PUBLICITY STORY.I ASK THAT ANYONE READING THIS MESSAGE AND KNOW WHAT THE REAL TREATMENT OF MILITARY WOMEN HAS BEEN PARTICULARLY IN THE 60'S AND 70'S, WRITE TO YOUR CONGRESSPEOPLE AND DEMAND THE TREATMENT AND COMPENSATION REMAIN AVAILABLE TO THOSE WHO HAVE BEEN VICTUMS WHILE SERVING OUR COUNTRY. PTSD IS REAL.
8/27/98 - ABNK9MP@aol.com
I am a 37 year old disabled veteran, who served proudly in the U.S. Army for 9 years. I was medically discharged in 1994 for degenerative disc disease, affecting my lower spine (L3-S1). I was a MP/Canine handler while in the Army, but subsequent to my discharge, I was unable to find a job in this field, due primarily to my disability. I received a 20% disability rating from the VA after my discharge. But as I took a lump sum payment (my only choice) at seperation, I receive no payments from VA for another 9 years.
After my seperation I held down a variety of jobs. I drove a truck and worked as a mechanic, until finally last month, my conditioned had worsened to the point I had to quit my job and seek additional care from the VA. They have been good about caring for me, but the process, as usual, is slow. I am currently enrolled in school (I had to front the tuition until GI Bill starts), but due to my disability I am unable to work at anything I am qualified to do. Any other jobs I have applied for I am either over-qualified or they won't hire me due to my disability.
I don't want charity, but maybe someone can help point me in the direction I should take to apply for grants, scholarships, aid, etc.. My wife is our sole support now and my attending school is a strain, both emotionally and financially (bankruptcy is in our future), but I feel that acquiring the knowledge that will ultimately lead me to a profession I can do as my physical condition worsens, is paramount to our future.
It seems as though people in 'the world' want to forget about us as veterans unless there is a war going on. I've had trouble adjusting to civilian life and I miss the military. It was the only real home I'd ever known. Anyway, I just want to say thank you for having this web page. It feels good to know someone cares and is willing to listen.
Please, if anyone has had a similiar experience to mine, E-mail me with some information on how I should proceed. My E-mail address is ABNK9MP@aol.com. It''s easy to feel lost out here. Thank you for all of your support.
Well, by now, I would hope many of you have read the article I refer to below...
and maybe
have comments you'd like to share here.. to help put things in perspective..
or even better,
would be, to rest..
You know with the coming of the New Year comes many emotional anniversaries..
And I
don't mean the good kind like wedding or such.. but anniversaries of combat.
Loss of
friends and family members..This month will mark the anniversary of
the Airwar in the Gulf .
Next month the Ground War in the Gulf and on into the Fall of Saigon.. and
the many anniversaries of Nam Events.. ALL hard times to get thru...
When I read articles like the one below.. I am flooded with memories and
emotions of
what I went thru during the Gulf War... We HAVE MIA's from the
Gulf War.. Yes,
we all watched as they released the Pow's during the Gulf War.. A terrible
time for me..
What's that? You say I don't have a Pow/Mia? Your right.. my
sons came home..
However.. I KNOW what I went thru ... and my heart goes out to those that
do...
When they showed them on TV during that time.. my youngest [ 10 yrs
old then ] would
wake up crying.. Those images where burned into her mind.. and she kept thinking
of
her brothers over there.. [ 2 ] As for myself... Daily I braced
myself.. and each day
getting stronger with the thought if it was to be my son... Each time
the phone rang..
Was it going to be someone telling me one of my son's was KIA? was MIA? was
a POW?
I also thought alot about the Nam War during that time.. thinking how they
went thru it..
It was a very long war.. and I had all I could do to handle 100 hours..
One thing bothered me during the Air war... It was devastating.. So much
bombing? It
seemed to me to be very, very, excessive.. I kept saying to my husband as
we viewed the damages shown on the TV.. How much more damage can they
do? It was like we where
going to wipe the place off the face of the earth.. Now, I know..
I am not military and do
not understand many of the reasoning behind Military Actions, so please forgive
my
ignorance. But in my mind it would be like shooting someone once ,twice and
then just to
be sure.. putting 6 or so more bullets into them.. Not necessary I
would think.. But if you REALLY, REALLY, wanted to be sure.. there
would be no chance of that person being
alive.. I guess you would keep pumping bullets into him..
So it bothers me... all that bombing.. Almost like wanting to be sure NOTHING
was left!! Nothing left of WHAT?.. The country? or was there some other
reason for totally leveling
a country like that? Sort of the same reasoning connected with the
article below.. Was
it leveled to "get rid of " something we didn't want to come to light?
And if it was OUR
guys, WHAT did they know, that couldn't be told? ..
And if the thoroughness of the Gulf War is any indication of how the Military
runs things..
Then you know they did damage check.. Why wasn't it done in Operation
Toang Thang?
AND why no back up? Do we send our troops in and let them fend for
themselves?
NO SUPPORT? I know there are instances of covert operations and teams
that have a job
to do and there may not be support in those instances but in this one?
Even I can figure out
something is not right here.. and it troubles me deeply... What about the
large base camp 2/47 found?. It seems that was an extremely important find..
and yet, it was ignored? not checked
out? Or was it in fact all ignored.. and if so, why? OR did they already
KNOW about it? Did
they KNOW what it was and what it was used for..
Just like alot of those buildings in the Gulf.. Where chemical/biologicals
stored in there?
Where there things in those buildings that would link-over to us? Too
many questions..
Too many things with no reasonable answers.. I guess I should just forget
about it all..
What was done was done.. What is to be is to be... Point is... Will
we do it again?
AND again...? AND again...? AND again.?
And before you all get on the band wagon and want to string me up by my thumbs
or
accuse me of all sorts of things.. Let me make something quite clear right
now...
I LOVE MY COUNTRY!!! But if those in high places
are doing wrong.. or things are
not on the up and up... don't you think it deserves to be questioned?
investigated? Or are we suppose to sweep it under the rug and say, it's okay..
What is good for the goose is good for the gander... And that means
us in the little places, AS WELL, as those in the big places..
Later.. need to wind down..
DStormMom
Well... Here I sit.. It is almost Midnight 1/8/98 and "most" of my family
has settled in for the night.. I was sitting in the dark and now have
a dim light on, although I don't really need a light
to see the keyboard.. It has a spell check so I will run it thru that
when I am done..
I have been really thinking, perhaps with the coming new year, it was all
prompted, but I
have been trying to figure if anything has been accomplished over these last
couple of years..
Have we made a difference? Has anything been settled? Just WHAT exactly can
we say
we have done productively? And I can't seem to come up with any concrete
answers..
Are we any closer to the truth? Or are we simply being led, down a primrose
path?
Yes, that's right, I said.. LED... THAT is what I feel has been going
on... I feel like
Hansel and Gretel.. little "crumbs" being thrown to LEAD us to certain findings..
Sometimes we "find" quite by accident, something worthwhile.. and then we
are "directed"
elsewhere, distracted onto something else... And round in circles
we go.... I can't accept
the fact that human beings are thought so little of... Yes, I know,
there are certain circumstances. AND I am aware and fully understand in time
of war, or "certain" situations,
the loss of one, for the "safety" of others.. As the saying goes, "sacrifice
of one, for many" ..
Yes, I understand and can agree with this in certain situations.. HOWEVER,
there are far
too many instances that I feel, this WAS NOT the case.. That those in "higher"
places, have
used their mighty power, to play GOD and make some terrible, terrible decisions
at the
expense of others... AND what bothers me so much is.. WE put them there...
THEY REPRESENT ME!!! and YOU!! And quite frankly... they
are making me sick.. disgusted.. and yes.. even ashamed... I NEVER..
NEVER.. thought I would hear myself
say these things.. but I am disgusted and disappointed in my country..
Please don't misunderstand.. This land is the BEST there is... and
there is much good here.. but THOSE representing THIS COUNTRY, which
means, ME and YOU, are slowly taking away all
that glorious feeling I had .. that proudness.. things I can't
even express at the moment...
In the midst of all these troubling feelings.. an article was brought to
my attention.. And as
I read it.. the feelings got even stronger... IF "I" feel this
way.. I can't imagine the turmoil
and hurt and Lord only knows all the other emotions our Veterans go thru..
The Article is titled "Did The U.S. Knowingly Kill P.O.W.'s in 1970?" by Ed Johnson...
I am left with some major questions here.. not to mention the most obvious
ones..
Many of you have heard me say time and again.. The Military is an outstanding
force..
It amazes me how it can pull so many people together as a team and for things
to work so
well. I am constantly mystified.. So many people yet functioning as one..
Each one doing
their part.. their connecting part.. and Viola` it is done as if ONE
person or one thing had
done it all.. Yet that ONE thing/unit is made up of many, many, people...
And so very
thorough... Every detail tended to.... Maybe those who have served
or are serving
can't quite see it as one on the outside looking in does.. but it is an awesome
undertaking..
Which is WHY this article BOTHERS me so very much...
Several things in particular.. WHY send in B-52's????
WHY level the place??? AND
a biggy here.. WHY was there no check on damage???
I will pick up here tomorrow.. for now, lids are heavy and I need to rise
early for work..
It is 2:20 AM est here.. and if I continue.. the thoughts will keep me tossing
and turning
all night, making me not as efficient at work tomorrow... In the meantime,
please read
for yourself the article... be happy to hear YOUR thoughts on this...
Always good to
get feedback.. Maybe I am missing something here, but I don't think so..
If anything,
others that where near or at the same locality are also coming forward validating
much
of what Ed says.. and adding little bits and pieces to the unanswered questions
many have..
Not just myself... I'll stop back tomorrow.. So for now.. good night
and God Bless.
You can seen your comments to me at: DStormMom@aol.com
We watched the sunrise as did so many others,
related we are not but, become sister's and brother's.
We often compared a sunset to one remembered back home,
and dreamed of our return, not this feeling of being alone.
We served each day with unselfish pride,
no more and no less than those who died.
We remember those who gave the ultimate sacrifice,
many of us are still paying a personal price.
We all sit in a stagnated, confused and depressed state,
understanding from others, surely is apart of our fate.
We sought comfort for the families of our fallen comrades,
but received it from their mothers and dad's.
We have few supporters that fully understand,
so comfort comes from those extending their hand.
We sometimes are given a gift of concern from others so far,
She gives to so many, thank you! You know who you are.
We often think of those who served before,
wondering how they dealt with the same closed door.
We only want what they truly deserved,
understanding and treatment, is that so absurd.
We will soon be the warriors of the past,
knowing our fate, while followers still considered last.
We hope our future warriors are without the same fears,
and we who still serve can clear the tears.
We search for strength to deal with our pain,
treatment is our motive, and relief a personal gain.
We bond together in the fight to learn our uncertain fate,
for some the fight is already too late.
We will never forget Brendan our brother,
his fight continues through his mother
We know he is one of many that has met their fate,
but, some how spiritually he urges us too wait
-Dedicated to a mother and her not soon forgotten Son-
God Bless
Ray E. Arnold
e-mail: gator5691@aol.com
NOTE: The following was written by one of the Last Patrol Walkers "Pop Scott"
Just a thought concerning the POWs and MIAs:
In the rising of the sun and in it's going down, We remember them;
When we are weary and in need of strength, We remember them;
When we are lost and sick at heart, We remember them;
So long as we live, they too shall live, for they are now a part of us as
We remember them.
With hugs,
Pop Scott
Date: 97-08-09
From: wks_usn@sprynet.com
I would like to share with you words written by a Nam Vet. It says it
all....
He left this letter along with another, at the Wall..
If by chance, anyone
knows this person
and how to get in touch with him.. I would appreciate an e-mail.. I am trying
to locate him....
His name is: Ken Ainsworth, "YO-YO", Sterling, CT, 1st Cav. 2/8 ... His letter
follows:
The Vietnam War is inside me, I fight but I can't get away
The pain of my friends who died beside me, Are still with me every day
I try to hide my hate and my sorrow, But the pain seems to never go away
The memories and faces are with me, Their scars are with me to stay
I went to Nam in the sixties, To do what we thought was best
But as combat infantry soldiers, We where given an impossible quest
All of my friends where my brothers, We walked through the jungle as one
We watched and looked out for each other, In a war that could never be won
Going to Nam gave life more meaning, But the meaning is still not right
Because when I sleep, My feelings are so deep......
That in my dreams I still fight
Ken Ainsworth "Yo-Yo"
Sterling, CT
1st Cav. 2/8
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * *
A Family Shares their Anguished Thoughts and Feelings
"WHO Killed MY SON"
The lifting sun touched the bottoms of the morning clouds. The rays slanting to Earth danced around my son and me. I felt the warm sweet breath from his nose caress my breast as he drank the morning meal. My body to his-my nourishment to him. My love so full. Together we filled the universe. Mother and Son.
So I ask now, years later "Who Killed My Son?"
His trembling first steps filled me with awe and wonder. A picture here, a tumble there, a tear and a sniffle, hushed with a hug and kiss. I'm losing my son to others. Who will help me watch over him, help me teach and train him to trust?
I ask now-years later."Who Killed My Son?"
He came to me this afternoon. Holding up one hand he proudly announce "This
is five! The second hand quickly followed, "And this is Five" Putting them
together he shouted,
"Five and Five make Ten!" How good I felt.
The joy of learning. The excitement of reason. Those of whom I trusted my son are giving him a solid foundation to build on. This will help him in his life. I am pleased. I am doing the right thing!
I ask now, "Who Killed My Son?"
The next years passed. I watched the flame of discovery grow dimmer. The
school was in conflict with church. The teachers told me he wasn't working
up to capacity. My son told
me they weren't teaching to capacity.
Confusion a bounded. But after all they were the professionals. I listened to them.
One day in his Senior year I teasingly asked, "How much is Five and Five?" I did this as my hands come together. His answer a quite 8.
I ask now, "Who Killed My Son?"
Graduation was followed by turmoil at home, country and abroad. Education in specialized skills turned out to cost a fortune, but paid minimum wage. His thirst for knowledge continued. One possible solution. Join the Navy-Trust your government. Serve and protect the Old men who send young men to war-But don't call it a war! Promise full care if something happens.
Give us 3 or 4 years of your life, we will take care of you. Trust us! You will be rewarded. If you are injured we will care for you and help support you.
Protect US young man. Keep our safe and profitable way of life and we will let you honor us.
I ask now, "Who Killed My Son?"
He is painting and doing his job. Keep the ship safe from rust and corrosion.
Nice looking didn't hurt either. Good P.R. Suddenly a searing, choking, blinding
pain assaults his eyes, mouth and throat and lungs. Someone, who knew and
was responsible, failed in their job. For what ever reason no blame or
accountability was ever place on anyone. But young men and women in
the very prime of their life were damaged. For, over a call to me, his mother,
from half way around the world to let me know he was alive and concerned
I might be worried, carried with
it a very deep sadness. In a attempt to quite his fears about us I lightly
ask, How much is Five and Five?" After what seemed hours but was only a score
of a second his quite, hollow voice replied "5".
I ask now, "Who Killed My Son?"
The machinery of the Governmental extended Family Kicked in. WE will take care of you. We will nourish and keep you safe, We will ease your troubled mind. We know what your son needs. You practice Tough Love.
Don't give him money or try to encourage him. Don't shelter him. We will do it all.
You, with your titles and numbers and symbols "Chief adm." "nm, a "phd,"
counselor,
wonderful, marvelous..
I trusted my son to your care-and he became homeless. My son asked why: For
Help!
For Understanding! For compassion. You gave him a label or two and put him
in a
pigeon-hole and started the neglect. You lied to his Father and I. I
asked my son,
"What is Five and Five?" and he answered "2".
I ask now, "Who Killed My Son?"
A mother and father's instinct finally kicked in. We brought our son home.
A friend of my son help get him shoes, clothes and food for the trip home.
This friend was a stranger to our family but a friend to our son. A wonderful
volunteer. The first sight of our son
at the bus depot made me take him in my arms and tell him here in NC we'd
work it out.
Still the neglect and abuse continued. I was chastised for buying food, his
medications were
a zig zagging seesaw, mood swings and absolute bewilderment increased.
My son fought
against the effects of the medication-He was trying to get the schooling
promised. His
proudest picture was taken with him shaking Gen. Schwarzkopf hand. The mental
shredding
of his self esteem continued. After a long humiliating week of being told
he was a disappointment, I asked him what he wanted to do." I want to go
to school Mom, I want to
help others. No one should have to be betrayed like I was.
I love you Mom." I asked him as I gave him a good night Kiss, "What's five and five?" He kept his head down and in a barely audible voice said "zero" Mom.
So I ask you, "Who Killed My Son?"
You feel smug in your position that you are not guilty, for killing a zero.
A cipher, a nobody-you have an over blotted bureaucracy to hide behind. You
can shuffle
your papers all you want. You can mouth phony platitudes all you wish. But
I know you. Someday! Someday! You may know what you did to my son! I will
take no pleasure in
your pain, I just want someone to say to us, "We made a mistake. We're
Sorry.
WE WILL TRY TO PREVENT IT IN THE FUTURE. Is this to much to ask?
So I tell you- "I know who killed my son!"
I stand facing the setting sun. My sons ashes are in an urn.
Butterflies are painted on it. (a symbol of resurrection?)
The bottoms of the clouds are touched again. Silver and Gold. It is an Azure Sky. My breast hurts. My sole hurts, my heart hurts. So I ask you,
"When will I laugh again? Pray again, Love again.? Most importantly when will I trust again?.
**********************************************
My mom's brother gave this to her as a gift when my brother died Sept.28,
1996 at age 27.
He came to give her comfort and she made him read everything she could find
then that Jim
had gotten from CA on the VA reports. She asked her brother to help her put
in writing something to help others understand what happened. He gave this
to her as a gift when he
left and said "it isn't finished until we can add some 10's". Jim wanted
to help other people
and said he never wanted anyone to suffer and be betrayed as he was. You
and others will
have to help finish this now, it is your gift from my mom. You can copy it,
add to it, share it
with others.
This is for you Jim, and all the others who have been or are going through what Jim went through. And thanks from the bottom of my heart to all those folks who responded to my mom's post. I can't put it in words how much it all meant to her (and our family).
Kelly Seibert (sister)
Maureen Davis mother- and her brother Jack Kennedy