My Christmas Decorating Journal

by

Pepper L. Bauer

November 21: My wife, Jan, and I resolved that this year we would go all out with our Christmas decorations. Now that we are retired and have more time on our hands, we decided to enter the citywide decorating contest. We have good ideas. This should be fun, but we’re not taking it too seriously. I thought we should keep a journal of our efforts, then next year all we have to do is repeat our successes, and skip the failures.

November 22: Jan and I spent the day looking through catalogs. We plan to order all the latest and greatest in decorating technology. We’re paying for express delivery. Meanwhile we’re getting everything ready. The whole shebang is under control; we’re being so efficient. It’s pretty exciting. Maybe, this is what Christmas is all about!

November 23: Spent the day washing windows and cleaning the yard so everything will look spiffy. Jan cut her finger on the hedge clippers and needed stitches, but that didn’t deter my enthusiasm. It did take quite a while at the hospital and I got a little fidgety. I asked Jan if she could just put a Band-Aid on her finger so we could get out of there. She glared at me, but I pretended not to see her. I wanted to get back to the yard, and as Snuffy Smith always says, "Times a wastin’".

November 24: I dragged the nine-foot artificial tree up from the basement. Took two hours to put lights and garland on it. Need to do something while waiting for our mail order; I’m starting to get nervous. Jan didn’t feel like helping; she said her finger hurt. I wonder if she’s as committed to this project as I am.

November 25: I decided the tree looked sparse and needed additional lights, so I made a run into Sam’s and got five hundred more. I found some lights that looked like little candles, and of course, I had to buy a hundred of them. Jan thought that the extra lights were a little extravagant, but I convinced her the result would be worth it. I spent hours arranging the lights, ornaments, and tinsel so the look would be perfect. Later, I turned on the living room light, and blew a fuse. I guess we can’t turn on the lights while the tree is on. That’s O.K.. With all that wattage on the tree, we shouldn’t need lights.

A little while ago I heard a strange noise, and looked in the living room. There was the dog, on the floor behind the tree, sucking down tinsel like it was spaghetti. I chased her away and cleaned up the mess. Later, she threw up by my wooden choral singers. Jan laughed. Why isn’t anyone cooperating?

November 26: It’s Thanksgiving. We were supposed to go to our daughter’s house, but I told Jan I just had too much to do to get ready. They judge the decorating contest on December 24^th and that means I only have twenty-eight days to finish the job. Jan left for dinner without speaking to me. I think she’s upset, but I can’t let that distract me. It’ll all be worth it when we take first prize. I never thought of myself as competitive before. It’s sort of stimulating.

I must admit, I enjoyed the solitude of the empty house. I spent hours building my city under the tree and putting the artificial snow in just the right places. Jan came home and went straight to bed without even looking at my village. I think she’s being mean-spirited.

November 27: Oh Happy Day! Most of the decorations we ordered came today. Even Jan seemed to enjoy sorting everything out on the floor. It seemed to lighten her mood. We’ve got everything ready, now tomorrow we can fly.

November 28: It rained hard all day. What a washout! I caught the cat using the artificial snow in my village for a litter box. I tried to swat her, but missed. She ran into the dining room, jumped on the buffet, and slid into the nativity set. The Wisemen went flying. The puppy grabbed the guy with the box of gold and wouldn’t give it back. I chased her all over the house until I cornered her in the shower. She had such a grip on that poor figurine; I couldn’t get it out of her mouth. I had to trade her a bone for it. I’m getting too old for this stuff. After wiping the dog slobber off the Wiseman, and cleaning up the cat mess, I had to sit down for a while. I feel like I’m swimming in molasses.

November 30: Haven’t written for a couple days. I’ve been too busy all-day and exhausted at night. We tried one whole day to just put the ice lights on the roof. My wife stood down below and held the ladder while I clipped the lights to the gutter. I wrapped the strands around my shoulders so they could be unwound without tangling. I got them caught in my collar once and almost lost my balance when I pulled my sweatshirt up over my head. Jan laughed, and I didn’t speak to her for hours. Sometimes, she really does have a mean streak.

We ran out of light-clips half way through the job and had to run to Target to get more. There was one bag left on the rack. As I reached for it, a man, the size of a tackle for the Green Bay Packers, grabbed it off the rack. On impulse, I smacked his hand.

Later, at the emergency room, I tried to describe what happened to the police officer, but he looked at me strangely and told my wife to take me home and keep an eye on me. I noticed that she nodded when they made eye contact. I’m starting to think there is a conspiracy.

December 2: The ice lights are up, no thanks to Jan. She refused to help. She says I’m too crabby. I’m not crabby. I think its part of the plot.

December 3: Couldn’t do much work outside because of high winds. I fine-tuned the tinsel on the tree. I noticed that the back of the tree seems to have less tinsel than I remember putting on it. I put on more.

December 4: The wind flipped all of the ice lights up on the roof. They look awful. I had to drag out the ladder and climb onto the roof and push them all back over the edge. I caught one of the light bulbs on the gutter and ripped it out. Had to climb back down and get the spares. Before I finished, the lights on the front of the garage blew back up on top. My cheeks were starting to get numb. I decided to tie lead fishing-weights on the ends of the strands to keep them hanging straight. I won’t let a little wind beat me.

The back of the tree looks bare again. Must be an optical illusion.

December 5: Spent all day buying and tying little weights to the lights. My fingers are bleeding from the fishing line. My neck is so stiff, I feel like if I look down my neck will break. It’s worth it though, because the lights do hang nice. Nobody’s going to outdo me.

December 6: Today I put twinkie lights around all the trees. I opened the new boxes and tried taking the lights out of those blasted holders without breaking the bulbs. I kept cutting my fingers. Those holders remind me of little individual plastic mousetraps. All my fingers are bleeding. It took me hours just to get the lights ready to put up.

I bought a tool to reach the top of the trees, but didn’t think it went high enough. I decided to rent a "cherry picker". My lights will definitely be the best.

Added more tinsel to the back of the tree.

December 7: The lights at the very top of my pine tree went out. Had to bring back the "cherry picker". Worked on the strand for over an hour before I found the loose bulb.

December 10: Rented the "cherry picker" every day for three days. Lights have gone out in every tree at least once. Sometimes I think someone sneaks in my yard at night and pulls out the bulbs. I wouldn’t doubt it. I think they’re all jealous.

December 11: High winds again today. A fishing weight broke loose and dinged the hood of Jan’s car. The rest of them beat the heck out of our siding. Jan isn’t speaking to me again. She’s definitely not in the spirit of the season!

December 12: Put up all my outdoor figures. I have a lighted manger scene, complete with several snowmen, white deer with twinkle lights, and a Santa kneeling over a manger. On the other side of my yard, I set up a lighted train with five little elves. I also have a lighted choir and a Rudolf with a blinking nose. Had to go buy more power-strips. I spotted several neighbors standing in their driveways and staring. I bet they’re envious.

December 15: Outlined my driveway with lights today. It took hours to stick the lights in those little metal stakes and poke them in the ground. Boy, my fingers are bruised. After I got them all in the ground, I tested them. The strand of lights in the very middle wouldn’t light. I had to take all the lights out of the stakes and replace the faulty set. I just got the lights back in the ground, when the U.P.S. man came with a package, got out of his truck, and stomped on them. He broke several bulbs. I had to really dig to find enough spares to fix the damage, but I won’t give up. That’s what they want. I saw the look the U.P.S. person gave my wife when I stood in the driveway and screamed obscenities at him. They’re out to get me, and he’s in on the plot too.

December 17: Plugged in all my outdoor lights today to see how they looked. My neighbor yelled over and said the marquee lights frantically chasing themselves across my house looked like a nuclear power plant ready to explode. He’s just jealous. I blew a fuse. I noticed my neighbor has an electric cord running out to his trailer. I wonder if he’d notice if I made use of it?

December 18: A guy at the hardware store told me how to jury-rig my fuses so they wouldn’t trip. Jan told me not to do it, but it has become clear to me that she is in on the conspiracy. Now my lights are burning brightly, and despite the conspirator’s best efforts, I’m ready for the judges.

December 19: The lights on the top of the trees have gone out again. I spent half the day in freezing rain, on a ladder, looking for the bad bulb. I fixed the top strand, and then the one behind it went out. I think Twinkie lights are a Communist Chinese plot to drive us all nuts.

Put more tinsel on the back of the tree. I think I need to get my eyes tested.

December 20: More lights went out today. I’m going to stay up tonight and guard the yard. I know they are out to get me and I plan to catch them.

The dog doesn’t look well.

December 23: I have stayed awake for three days, and haven’t taken my eyes off the yard. Jan says I’m obsessed and has threatened to leave me. Now I’m sure she’s in cahoots with them.

Jan took the dog to the vet today. Something about a blocked bowel. I don’t have time to worry about it; have to watch my yard.

December 24: Haven’t slept for four days. I turned on all my lights tonight for the judging. It looked awesome! I heard a pop and everything went dark. I went down to the basement and looked in the fuse box. It was smoking. I called several electricians, but no one will come out on a holiday. I have to wait until after Christmas for power. They’re in on the plot too.

Jan went to our daughter’s house. Now I know who I can’t count on. She thinks I’m crazy, but I’m not. No, I’ll show them.

I may not have electricity, but I have a candle and I found one match. I’ll light the candle, and sit here when the judges come. I’ll still have a decoration. It’ll be beautiful. They’ll notice.

Here they come; I can see them on the sidewalk. Wait a minute. Where’s that breeze coming from. Don’t go out …….Nooooooooooooo!