NEWS BULLETIN - Men and women are NOT alike. Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have proof! After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics, these facts have emerged:

Relationships:
First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship - he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie was doing it on a semi-regular basis". When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know there's always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.

Sex:
Women prefer 30 - 45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 - 45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

Maturity:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work.

Hats:
Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.

Comedy:
Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of "The Three Stooges" comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite stooge. The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.

Handwriting:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

Bathrooms:
A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Groceries:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lemon and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

Going out:
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her makeup...

Shoes:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip into Reebok sneakers. She wil carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under her desk. A man will wear one pair of shoes for the entire day.

Leg warmers:
Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line".

Cats:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Mirrors:
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface--mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head.

Garages:
Women use garages to park their cars and to store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, and they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.

Movies:
For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind". For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark's face in "Public Enemy".

Jewelry:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

Menopause:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of the changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction--he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

The Telephone:
Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

Low Blows:
Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television. One of the fighters is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee, that must hurt." The man doubles over and actually feels pain.

Directions:
If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there", and, "I know I'm in the neighborhood. I recognize that White Hen store".

Admitting Mistakes:
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted that he was wrong was Gen. George Custer.

Richard Gere:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.

Offspring:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Dressing up:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

Nudity in Movies:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

David Letterman:
Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.

Cameras:
Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4,000 for state-of-the-art equipment, and build darkrooms, and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.

Politics:
Men love to talk politics, but often they forget to do political things such as voting. Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedys is growing up and getting into politics, because they will be able to campaign for them and cry on election night.

Locker Rooms:
In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room--sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and THEY NEVER LIE.

Laundry:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do the laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth.

Weddings:
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men talk about "the bachelor party".

Cheerleaders:
Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all-American. Male cheerleaders are scary.

Socks:
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

Toys:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession wih toys. As they older, their toys drive become more expensive and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's, car phones, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots that serve cocktails on command, video games, anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least six batteries to operate.

Plants:
A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

Mustaches:
Some men look good with mustaches. Those men are Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. There are no women who look good with mustaches.

Nicknames:
With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk", women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless.

Bar Room Translations

2. "I'll get this one, next one is on you."
(Happy hour is about to end...drafts are now a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop.)

3. "Hey, where is that friend of yours?" (I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)

4. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (female)
(I'm easy.)

5. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (male)
(I'm gay.)

6. "Ever try a body shot?" (male to female)
(I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.)

7. "Ever try a body shot?" (female to male)
(If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?)

8. "I don't feel well, let's go home." (female)
(You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)

9. I don't feel well, let's go home." (male)
(I'm horny.)

10. "Who's got the next round?"
(I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.)

11. "Excuse Me." (male to male)
(Get the hell out of the way.)

12. "Excuse Me." (male to female)
(I am going to grope you now.) (Editor's Note - one of my personal favorites)

13. "Excuse Me." (female to male)
(Don't even think about groping me, just get the hell out of the way.)

14. "Excuse Me." (female to female)
(Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho... Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you, bitch, like the slut you are.)

15. "What do you have on tap?"
(What's cheap?)

16. "Can I have a white Russian?" (male)
(I'm *really* gay.)

17. "Can I have a white Russian?" (female)
(I'm *really* easy.)

18. "That person looks really familiar."
(Did I sleep with him/her?)

19. Can I just get a glass of water?" (female)
(I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)

20. I don't have my ID on me." (female)
(I'm 19.)

21. "I don't have my ID on me." (male)
(I don't have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 0.4 after my last visit here)

Rita Rudner's
WOMEN'S 50 or so RULES FOR MEN

1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.
4. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald."
5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
6. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
7. If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.
8. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
9. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
10. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
11. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.
12. Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.
13. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
14. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
15. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
16. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.
17. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
18. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
19. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
20. All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.
21. Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.
22. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
23. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
24. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
25. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
26. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
27 If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
28. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.
29. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
30. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
31. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
32. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
33. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
34. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
35. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
36. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."
37. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.
38. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
39. Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch:"Thanks." On the other side:"Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."
40. Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.
41. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
42. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.
43. Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.
44. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheros. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
45. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
46. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
47. Men forget everything; women remember everything.
48. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
49. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
50. All men would still really like to own a train set.

MEN'S 43 or so RULES FOR WOMEN

• To make a man happy you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
  To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband,
  while a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
• A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her...
  A man, of the woman who didn't.
• Married men live longer than single men.
  But married men are a lot more willing to die.
• Any married man should forget his mistakes...
  No use in two people remembering the same thing.

How do you know if you're in love, in lust, or really married?

LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When you lose your child in crowded room.

LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love."
LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."
MARRIAGE - What the hell are you talking about?

LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE - When you argue over money.

LOVE - When you share everything you own.
LUST - When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.

LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - What's a climax?

LOVE - When you phone each other just to say, "Hi."
LUST - When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
MARRIAGE - When you phone each other to bitch.

LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.
LUST - When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.

LOVE - When you show concern for your partner's feelings.
LUST - When you couldn't give a damn.
MARRIAGE - When your only concern is what's on TV.

LOVE - When your farewell is "I love you, darling..."
LUST - When your farewell is "So, same time next week..."
MARRIAGE - When your farewell is a relief.

LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST - When you only see each other naked.
MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.

LOVE - When your heart flutters everytime you see them.
LUST - When your groin twitches everytime you see them.
MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties everytime you see them.

LOVE - When nobody else matters.
LUST - When nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE - When everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.

LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.

LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST - When staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE - When just getting through today is your only thought.

LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.

Marriage is a three ring circus:

*Engagement ring
*Wedding ring
*Suffering

8 things you'll never hear a man say :

8 things you'll never hear a woman say :

A man walks into the woman's section of a department store and tells the sales clerk he wants to buy a bra for his wife.

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man, "there's more than one type?"

"There are three types." replies the clerk, "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"

Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference in them?"

The clerk responds, "It is really very easy. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."

Of course, sometimes things just don't work out. Feel free to use this letter to get your message across more diplomatically:

10. I think of you as a brother.
(You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance")

9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
(I don't want to do my dad)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon)

7. My life is too complicated right now.
(I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing)

6. I've got a boyfriend.
(I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's)

5. I don't date men where I work.
(I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building)

4. It's not you, it's me.
(It's you)

3. I'm concentrating on my career.
(Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you)

2. I'm celibate.
(I've sworn off only the men like you)

1. Let's be friends.
(I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing)

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men

10. I think of you as a sister.
(You're ugly)

9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
(You're ugly)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You're ugly)

7. My life is too complicated right now.
(You're ugly)

6. I've got a girlfriend.
(You're ugly)

5. I don't date women where I work.
(You're ugly)

4. It's not you, it's me.
(You're ugly)

3. I'm concentrating on my career.
(You're ugly)

2. I'm celibate.
(You're ugly)

1. Let's be friends.
(You're sinfully ugly)

Words From Famous Women

*"Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel." -- Bella Abzug

* "Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then." -- Katharine Hepburn

*"In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman." -- Margaret Thatcher

*"Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths." -- Baroness Edith Summerskill

*"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?" -- Linda Ellerbee

*"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house." -- Zsa Zsa Gabor

*"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country." -- Elayne Boosler

*"Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid." -- Hedy Lamarr

*"There are two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works." ~Unknown

*"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." -- Maryon Pearson

"A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one dollar item he wants.
A woman will pay one dollar for a two dollar item that she doesn't want."

*"I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night." -- Marie Corelli

What is the difference between a golf ball and a g spot?

A guy will spend the whole afternoon looking for a golf ball........

PMS and the Bible

After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."

The preacher replied that he was sure it must be in there somewhere and that he would look for it.

The following week after service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read,

"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."